Being single for extended time...

[BFree]

Hi Everyone,

 

Long time lurker first time poster. Just wondering if maybe someone has some advice for my situation...

 

I've been single for 2 long years. I've been fighting depression and anxiety with decent success. I just have a cloud of loneliness over me every single day. I know that I shouldn't feel entitled to have a girlfriend but I do feel incomplete without someone to live the journey alongside me.

 

I have tried online dating but it seems very slow going and most people just seem to want a text buddy for when they are bored... I want a serious relationship.

 

I have a very good full-time job, a part-time job to fill in the gaps, I own my own house, have reliable transportation, I am smart, educated, good at maintaining conversation, and genuinely take interest in people's lives.

 

I have tried to move things to the next level with many women. One of which told me all about her domestic violence situation that she needed out of. I made every effort to assist her and support her and she completely has stopped texting me.

 

Other women have just completely taken no sexual interest in me at all and see me as a 'friend'. I also seem to have a hard time meeting new women so once I blow it it feels like the end of the world...

 

My self-confidence is okay at best. I build it up but it gets tanked after I get rejected. Does anyone have any advice as to how I can meet more woman and quickly build report with them?

 

Thank you in advance.

BFree

[TheyCallMeOx]

BFree,

 

Let me first say that you are AMAZING! Fighting depression and anxiety, but you've got your own house, two jobs, and all other kinds of stuff? That's outstanding productivity, even when life absolutely sucks. I really do wish I had your strength and productivity.

 

With that being said...I wish I could tell you how to "build report with" women. The women I meet are mostly online. The only times I've pursued women, I would just go up to a woman I don't know, tell her she's beautiful, and that I want to take her out on a date. I'm not the most suave with women.

 

I know you feel lonely and things like that, you want to pursue a woman, but I really don't think you should be so concerned with women at this point in time. Although you have a lot of things in life, you obviously work hard, I think you're venturing a little bit off-course psychologically. Since you've been single for a couple years, I think you're about due for a little bit of a reality check. I hope that I don't offend you, as that's not my intention. However, there's a few red flags that I would like to address.

 

In your post, you mention three things:

 

• You feel incomplete without someone

• You're depressed and have anxiety

• Your belief on self-confidence

 

I don't know if this is your situation, but for many people who are depressed, they are under the assumption that having a woman in their lives they really care about will get rid of that depression. When I was depressed, falling in love was the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. HOWEVER, falling in love clouded my judgment and I failed to realize just how bad of a position I put not only myself, but her as well. When the woman I fell in love with broke up with me, I was WORSE off than before I met her. I developed a dependency during the relationship and failed to notice how bad the relationship really was because, in my mind, it didn't really matter. Finding a woman doesn't get rid of that depression; it just masks your problems. You forget about them. Potentially, it could end up with disastrous results. Bad things can, and will, happen to you...it's all just a matter of when and what. I understand that you've been fighting depression, but your psychological health has got to be your number one priority above anything else. If you don't fix yourself psychologically, then it can make things a whole lot worse. I've been through it, and it is not a fun experience. I know I messed up my previous relationship, but the only regret that I have is that I didn't fall in love when I fixed myself psychologically. I certainly wouldn't be paying for a hospital bill if I fixed myself before getting into a relationship, nor would I have been as devastated as I was. I strongly suggest that you should, at this point, focus on yourself until you treat your depression so that you can get into a healthy relationship with a healthy mind.

 

Falling in love with a woman is one of the greatest things in the world, but this idea that a woman can complete you seems rather romantic, but it's unhealthy. A woman complements your life, but she sure as hell doesn't complete it. Your life is already complete as it is: you've got a house, a great job(s), etc. You could probably do a lot of things; a lot of things that don't necessarily require a relationship partner. Yeah, there's certain benefits to having a relationships, I'm not saying relationships aren't beneficial, but you don't need a relationship. If you've got friends to hang out with, and you love to spend time with yourself, that's really all that you need in life. Having a woman is nice, but it's not essential. So when you feel incomplete without a woman, you're GOING to feel more lonely; that's just how it goes. You're going to get more impatient, your judgment is going to get clouded, and things can go bad really fast before you even realize it. You'll be caught off guard, and the people closest to us...can really hurt us the most. With all the things you have in life, you really don't want to put yourself in a situation where you can jeopardize that. You've got a lot of things going for yourself and I would absolutely hate to one day learn that you've lost your job because you stopped caring about work, consequently you lose your house because you can't make payments, etc. Love is a dangerous game, and that's why you need to be ready for it. Based on my experience, I can confidently say that I, deep down, wasn't ready for a relationship. You have to consider...are you really ready?

 

I've told this time and time again, but self-confidence has nothing to do with how many times you've failed with women. We all have every reason to be self-confident in ourselves. I've failed getting women, and as far as I'm concerned? The women who have rejected me are the ones who lost. I have my imperfections, but I feel like I'm a great catch. I'm not the best looking dude out there, and I'm not. Self-confidence is a mindset. You look at yourself in the mirror and you say "you know what? I'm awesome. I've got a great job, a house, and a lot of sh*t that some dudes could only dream of having. I'm super smart, I'm good with people; not just with conversation, but I have the capacity of caring, as well." There are seemingly unattractive dudes who get relationships, and there's attractive dudes who can't get relationships. Any dude can get laid, some might have to try harder than others, but not every man can make love. And I'd like to imagine that you're the type of dude who can really feel passionate for a woman, and do your best at maintaining a relationship. Women who want a man to commit absolutely LOVE that. Everyone has great qualities about themselves, but you really have to know yourself. While it's all fine and dandy to have a job and things like that, a woman is also looking for a man who not only knows how awesome he is, but that he doesn't need validation from other people. When people give you compliments, that should be something you already know, and if it's an insult, or a rejection, that should be something like "well, I feel sorry for you cause...I'm pretty amazing."

 

I think you need to work out some things with your perception. What better time to do that than when you're single because you have all the time in the world to do just that! The best thing about working on yourself is that time goes by fairly quickly when you're single, and when you've fixed some more things in your life...you may be surprised how much easier it is to find a woman down the road once you've figured some stuff out. But if you spend all your time trying to find women, you don't give yourself time to think about what's really going on in your life.

 

It's just a suggestion, however. I hope that, regardless of what happens, you'll be okay.

Edited October 15, 2014 by TheyCallMeOx

[d0nnivain]

It's hard to build a rapport with anybody when you are depressed. Because you want a relationship so badly you most likely give off an unconscious desperate vibe. You need to be confident & secure in yourself to find a good mate for a healthy relationship.

 

I would start by getting involved in causes you care about. Volunteer somewhere. Work on a political campaign. Help to eradicate a disease by raising money. Do whatever is going to make your heart soar with pride and fulfillment. When you feel good about yourself the right person will come along.

 

Another avenue might be a charitable social group like the Elks, the Moose, the Masons, the Lions, the Kiwanis etc. They are always doing things to help the community & they have fun doing it. Being part of their good works will raise your spirits & expand your social circle. They aren't old men's drinking clubs anymore.