Feel so ashamed...clingy with crush, messed everything up!

[Dear Lady Disdain]

This is the text convo

Him: Hope you're doing well. Thanks for your msg, sorry not to get back to you sooner - been very busy ( a bit too busy ). Weekend was stressful but ended very well. Feeling very good and connected with God and the universe and myself this evening. Hope to catch up soon

 

Me: Thanks for your message, much better this week thanks :-) - yeah I have had that feeling too before, it's magical when it happens, it gives me faith...glad it's going well, tonight going to singing group like u

Enjoy yours! Would be nice to catch up soon

 

THEN I RUIN IT! - six hours later he hasn't texted back and I go a bit mad and text, BTW thank you for your apology, appreciate it, hope things calm down...

 

God, I feel an idiot, is this okay? Can someone please feed back

 

I suffer from severe relationship anxiety

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Just wish I hadn't sent the second text, I feel so stupid now...

But he had taken three days to text me back and it did cause me some angst!

Someone please help, it's past midnight here and I have nobody to call...

[preraph]

You're right. The second text put it in the desperate zone. At least you know this. Some people just don't get why that is. Here's what you've got to do from now on. When you compose a text, wait five minutes before you deliver it. You're moving too fast. And in general, just don't text someone you're interested in back before you've heard back from them, so that automatically means the first text back was fine and the second one was unwarranted. Just keep that simple rule. I would also recommend not texting back the minute you get a text because it just makes you look like you're waiting by the phone, which is a boring thought to have about someone. You'd like to think they're going interesting things, not waiting by the phone. You can't undo it by a third text, god forbid. Just let it all wait a bit once he texts you back next time so if he thought you sounded a bit desperate or was making too much of him not texting soon enough, he'll have to reconsider that thought because now it looks like you're preoccupied enough not to just be waiting for him.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hi preraph, it wasn't that desperate though was it? I didn't text back the minute I got the text actually, I waited about five hours...I don't think it was all that bad, I just kinda felt like I should have said thanks for the apology?

[Dear Lady Disdain]

I really don't text too often, he hadn't texted for three days before this and I moved on and got on with stuff and didn't text him - I have also never texted for a second time before the reply before, this was a slip!

Edited October 14, 2014 by Dear Lady Disdain

[preraph]

To me, you shouldn't have had to say thanks for the apology. It's just making too much of something small. It's like you're paying too much attention to detail. You're dwelling, and it shows. But no, not irretrievable. Better to stay busy in times when you're kind of thinking about one person too much.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Yeah I see what you mean...the thing is though, we're in a twelve step recovery program which involves talking about feelings and stuff and part of this program is that we were never listened to growing up...

 

So that got me thinking, maybe I shouldn't just disregard the apology as if he'd never said it, he doesn't normally take care of my feelings that much either, also I know if he hadn't have apologised I would have been off for the hills! I was just starting to get tired of the whole thing

 

I think it was the recovery program which made me think I should acknowledge what he did, I don't think it's that bad though, I wasn't actually clinging and I'm not clinging, I just wanted to show appreciation as I would have thought he wasn't bothered about me otherwise!

 

No not irretrievable though and glad to hear it, thanks!!

[preraph]

Aren't you barred from dating anyone in your 12-step group? This might be why. Things get too complicated. You just need to concentrate on why you're there and try not to get too sidelined. You can talk to your sponsor about all this, too. At least air it out that way.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hi Preraph, yes it's more difficult than a " normal " relationship would be...I do have friends and sponsors I can talk about this with, we don't go to the same meetings anyway

I am also seeing a therapist that I can talk about this with

Thanks :-)

[preraph]

There's no reason to feel bad about anything you said to him or anything. Just realize your emotions are likely higher than normal right now and try to just keep a balance by staying busy. I think that rule in 12-Step may exist partially just because people are so emotional and not always in their most settled state. Plus, anytime you are coming off an addiction, you will eventually, have some maturation spurts that will change who you are, maturation facets of which maybe got stunted during addiction, so if you form relationships now, in a year, you may be a different person -- and that's what you're shooting for, so you don't want to do anything to hold you in place. I hope you have a good sponsor. If you are not comfortable with your sponsor, you can ask for another, I believe. You should be able to talk to your sponsor about anything! Here's wishing you smooth sailing!

[LoverOfDance]

Please relax, there's nothing desperate about the second message. Just don't send him a third one.... and then a fourth one.... and then a fifth one, lol. Cause then it starts to look quite desperate. Also it really depends on the content of those messages.

 

Just relax, u didn't do anything wrong. Go do something else, he'll reply when he can.

[d0nnivain]

You are not stupid. You do come off as anxious but I highly doubt that text

 

BTW thank you for your apology, appreciate it, hope things calm down...

 

ruined everything. You are being overly dramatic. If the guy stops talking to you over that, he wasn't worth the time of day anyhow.

 

Just because we have the ability to communicate instantly 24/7 doesn't mean we should or that a new person wants that.

 

Moving forward, implement a "rule" for yourself that you will not send a 2nd text message to someone unless there has been a significant change in circumstances for 12, 24, 48 hours. You pick the length that you are most comfortable with. I'd suggest at least 24 hours.

 

If things change & you have a new reason to reach out, that is something else altogether. For example, a few weekends ago I must have sent 5 text messages to an old roommate. DH & I were bar hopping but we weren't sure if my old roommate was going to meet us that night so every time we changed locations I sent her a new text. I knew where she was & wasn't expecting a response nor did I get one until the next morning when we were scheduled to meet. All the rest was purely info if her other plans got cut short or re-arranged.

[Kamila]

In the beginning of a relationship I tend to be really traditional and let the guy text me first. I know it's maybe not modern, but that's how I am.

 

The result you get is a guy that's maybe more invested into you.

I know the impulse to text him first is HUGE.

But really, trust the guy, and let him initiate once in a while.

 

 

If, and I'm talking about personal experience here, is that if you initiate too much, the guy (or girl) may sense 'desperation' from you and will think you have 'low self-esteem'. I know it's false to think like that. But some guys/girls do and take advantage of that.

 

What I would suggest for you is to stop initiating for now.

Just breathe and put down the phone.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hey hey it all went well :-)

Next day I felt better and in the morning he texted and said thanks for the last text ( apology thank you ) and said he hoped my singing group was fun then said we could maybe chat on the phone next eve if I was in...so yeah, tonight we'll be chatting on the phone!

 

But not getting euphoric as he's just a guy, I shouldn't put him on a huge pedestal and I've told myself to have no expectations

 

Anxiety gone and I will NEVER initiate again or double text as it causes me so much stress and thank you so much all for the kind words you've given me X