When does a wandering eye go too far?

[Phoe]

I had a tough situation earlier and was hoping to get some insight.

 

I am not a jealous girl. I'm a really reasonable girlfriend, I understand that men look at attractive women. I have never minded if my boyfriend looks a bit, because I know it means nothing. Even sometimes he will point a girl out to me if she has particularly large breasts.

 

But today it kinda went farther than I like. We were in a store and I was browsing, when he suddenly stops me and goes "babe! Babe!! Look at her!" So I look quickly, then go back to browsing. Then he's like "no, babe, LOOK!" And is trying to sort of drag me closer towards her.

 

Then asks me "babe, would you do her?" And I said "no.", so then he asks, "but why?" I look at him and raise my eyebrows "I wouldn't do her because I don't like vaginas" and sort of shrug, really confused about what this conversations about.

 

Then the kicker. He says "but she's hot!"

 

 

I slowly agree, saying "okay, yes, but that doesn't mean I would want to do her" and at this point my annoyance is probably obvious.

 

Then he says "huh, I guess its different for girls, cause when a guy thinks a girls hot he wants to do her"

 

Wow. In a matter of a minute he called another girl hot and implied he wanted to do her.

 

This is extremely out of character behavior for him. But I feel hurt by it.

 

She was VERY pretty. I feel like she is all the things he kind of wishes I was. He often hints at me looking a certain way, but that's just not me.

 

She had very long brown hair that was heavily highlighted blonde, teased, a lot of hairspray and curled with an iron. It's a look that takes a lot of time and money to achieve.

 

That's not my style. I have natural undyed dark hair. I don't use heat or products on it, I just leave it straight and sleek. Plus he had an awful reaction to me trimming my hair. I only took off maybe 4 inches. It's still past my shoulders but you'd think I'd done something insane the way he reacted. Plus he doesn't like me wearing it pulled back, which I did today. I can't always wear it down. I was at work at 530 am this morning, and then went straight to see him. I'm not gonna get up at 430 am so I can do my hair like hers everyday. Not reasonable. He always tells me he would like me with highlights, and that I should let my hair grow long and threatens he would dump me if I chopped it, but I just don't want to deal with all of that.

 

Plus she was wearing a lot of makeup. He always tells me he prefers me without makeup, so I wear less, but then points out how hot this girl with lots of makeup is. Very conflicting messages.

 

Feel really down about myself now, and can't help but feel like that was a big hint from him that he would prefer if I looked like her. I put effort into taking care of myself and looking nice, but she's gorgeous, and all the effort in the world wouldn't make me look like that.

 

Not sure how to bring this up with him, if at all. Right now I'm thinking to just let it go. Showing any sign of jealousy, when he knows me as a rather non-jealous girl, will likely cause trouble.

[Dontfindme]

Looking is one thing - but to ask if you would "do her" because "she's hot!" is not very respectful. I'm not sure about your relationship dynamic, but I wonder if most people would be okay with such blatant interest stemming from their partner towards another.

 

Why is he so focused on looks? That is a problem to me. You should be able to tie up your hair, without worrying that it's upsetting him - or that he'll think you look less than. If he continues to do this, of course you're going to continue to feel down, and insecure about yourself.

 

I've seen your posts around here. You give great advice. I'm surprised you're asking this - not that you shouldn't. I guess, I would just ask you to reflect on what you would advise if this was for another poster.

 

Personally - I'd get this out in the open instead of letting it slowly eat away at me inside.

[Art_Critic]

IMO .. A wandering eye goes too far when it makes the other person uncomfortable.

 

And no..there isn't an excuse to make the person you are with uncomfortable..no matter how hot he or she is.

 

Rude and disrespectful to the max..IMO

 

Yes all people look and people watch but you are there with someone and if your actions disrespect that person then it is you that owes the apology to the other..and I wasn't saying you as in you op... Just trying to make it gender neutral

[Phoe]

I'm just concerned that by being laid back and unconcerned about him looking in the past, that I set a precedent where he figured this would be okay. My own fault really. Maybe I can somehow bring it up, without making him feel like every move of his eyeballs is gonna be monitored. I don't care if he looks. But don't tell me how hot she is

[Davey L]

Personally, I think it disrespectful when you are with a woman to look at other women. I try not to whether I'm with my wife, or my daughter, my sister or a female friend. I'm still do sometimes, difficult not to, but try not to be obvious about it.

 

I think by accepting his behaviour that maybe he has been testing the boundaries of what you will accept. Tell him it's rude and disrespectful to you and maybe he will moderate his behaviour.

[Art_Critic]

It's not your fault but it's totally correctable, all you have to do is call him on it and let him know your feelings on the issue..then the future is in his court

[Arieswoman]

OP, that is being really disrespectful, and you should have called him out on it there and then.

 

Has he got a secret hankering for a 3 some (B-G-G-) I wonder ???

 

You definitely need to challenge him about this.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your boyfriend is immature and disrespectful. How old is this guy? He is already wearing on your self-esteem. Be careful with this; if he's hinting that you should look a certain way, it could get worse. Don't play laid-back and cool or you are setting a precedent that this behaviour is okay. Tell him it's not acceptable and that it needs to stop. If he doesn't let up, you have a bigger problem.

 

Taking a discreet look at someone is one thing. Dragging you over to look at women who are attractive and big-breasted, and asking you if you want to have sex with her, is ridiculous. The fact that he doesn't get why you wouldn't want to "do" her indicates to me that he has little experience with woman and relationships and a lot of growing up to do. Wouldn't fly with me.

[bastus]

imo he is kinda weird , especially for "would you do her" part , even he is joking , i agree with AW somehow i believe he had "threesome" wish in mind atm..

[rawrrxlaurr]

He definitely seems to have a preoccupation with the way you look. It's always weird to me when guys are overly concerned with how a woman dresses or what she does with her hair. In my opinion, if a guy really cares about YOU, he will think that you look beautiful no matter how you wear or change your hair. It's been my experience that guys who comment on wanting you to change your hair or looks have an image in their minds of the kind of girl they want to be with... which means they aren't really into you but who you could be.

 

My ex used to tell me that whenever an attractive woman would walk by, he would purposely keep his eyes on me. I never even noticed this, but it shows me that he really respected my feelings and knew how that might make me feel. That to me is what a relationship is about.

[CrystalCastles]

You do your hair the way YOU want to. Its YOUR hair. Not his. He can grow his hair out and put blond highlights in it and tease and curl it if he likes that style so much. But you're in charge of your body, and you're the one who gets to decide what happens to it.

 

And from your picture, you do style your hair! There are girls like me who don't touch mine ever! Besides washing and braiding it of course. Maybe your hair doesn't look like some celebrity stylist did it, but it looks good.

 

You look fine without makeup too, IMO. I can't tell if you have none or a little on (I never wear makeup, don't notice unless its caked on, and I'm the dictionary definition of tomboy so excuse my lack of expertise here), but I think you look good as is, too.

 

Boobs. Boobs are just two sacks of fat God stuck to our chests to feed babies. Maybe this girl's jugs are fake. Who knows. Bigger boobs doesn't make you better. So, don't worry, I doubt that girl was "seriously beyond gorgeous" and much better looking than you. Relax Phoe, you're a pretty girl. You don't need to compare yourself to some made-up clown your boyfriend saw at the grocery store lol.

 

Your boyfriend, OTOH, needs a lesson in manners. I don't know about this "huh, I guess its different for girls, cause when a guy thinks a girls hot he wants to do her" business, I'm not a guy. But somehow, I think there's something called "tact" that your boyfriend seems to have forgotten about. I don't think its a huge deal if he finds some girl hot, I mean, I find some guys that aren't my boyfriend hot, but I don't point that out to him because that would be rude, disrespectful, and it would hurt him. Also, maybe I'm way too rigid, but I think the only person you should want to "do" is your SO. We all want to feel that our partners find us hotter than anyone else.

 

I think you should bring this up, gently and nicely. Tell him that while its fine with you if there's some chick he thinks is hot, he doesn't need to tell you about her. But I would bring it up, because its unfair to you to let this stew.

Edited October 15, 2014 by CrystalCastles

[Anela]

I'm just concerned that by being laid back and unconcerned about him looking in the past, that I set a precedent where he figured this would be okay. My own fault really. Maybe I can somehow bring it up, without making him feel like every move of his eyeballs is gonna be monitored. I don't care if he looks. But don't tell me how hot she is

 

You have every right to say when you feel uncomfortable. If you don't speak up, then it could only get worse. Really, you deserve better treatment than that.

[somedude81]

What a super weird conversation Phoe.

 

Honestly I can't even imagine having that conversation with my hypothetical girlfriend. When I'm with my girl, other women don't exist. Sure I notice a pretty girl if one is around then right away I go back to focusing on my girlfriend; because she's the only woman that matters.

 

Asking if you want to do her is just weird. I had one conversation with my ex to see if she was into other girls at all and after I got her answer I never brought it up again, in any form. Have you had that conversation with him?

 

I think you should have asked him straight on, "Do you want to do her?" My assumption is that he would have said yes.

 

If this is bothering you, you should bring it up. Though with all due respect Phoe, you do have a history of letting things slide with him. So I'd be surprised if you actually talk to him about it.

 

If you keep bottling things up inside, something is going to eventually snap.

[ffw]

There is a fine line between looking and actually try to act on it. As other have pointed about, its totally disrespectful and immature. It seems like he is testing his thoughts on you to see whether could you do it if given an opportunity (red flag). To answer your bf, no a committed, mature and respectful guy won't like to do it when he sees a hot girl.

[lolablue17]

I don't know you or your boyfriend, so i don't have any opinion about right and wrong in this case.

 

But!!!

 

I do know that men and women are attracted to each other. And i know that most of us use ot hide that attraction from our spouses.

 

I think that your boyfriend treats you also like you are his best friend. He is very honest with you in his childish way. I think you can feel lucky that your boyfriend is open with you and talk with you about everything's on his mind. If you choose to feel annoyed, you will cause him to share with you less and less.

 

This "respect" you're asking for is not a real one. It will just become to "he's hiding things from you".

[gaius]

You owe him one, so just point out how hot you think a guy is. One who's in much better shape or driving an expensive car. Talking about it's going to do a whole lot of nothing.

[acapelo_dp]

Well, I would be extremely upset if my boyfriend did that to me. Completely disrespectful. I think honestly he feels too comfortable around you regarding that topic since you mentioned he has pointed out women with large breasts in the past without it seeming to bother you. You will have to make it clear that the comment went way too far and that it upset you.

 

Honestly, I ask my boyfriend about pretty girls sometimes and I mention when a girl is beautiful. He always disagrees, even though I know deep down he must think they are. When we have watched porn together he has said "She is sexy, but I'd rather have you." Because he is my boyfriend...and he wants to make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. And that is how your boyfriend should make you feel all the time.

[Keenly]

Looking is one thing.

 

 

Gawking / pointing it out like a kid in a toy store is a little less tolerable.

 

 

Maybe just ask him to not do that anymore? He should understand.

[Blade96]

I'm familiar with Phoe. Does this guy know about your past and your already low self esteem and trust issues you have already? Yes he's very disrespectful, but I asked this because if he knows some of your history, he is DOUBLY disrespectful because it would be throwing salt on a wound when you know they have a wound.

 

I myself couldn't be with a guy like this.

[d0nnivain]

A wandering eye goes too far when it's accompanied by a hand or other body part.

 

If you were uncomfortable with what your guy did by pushing & pushing regarding this "hot" woman, say something.

 

I really have no problem if my guy sees a beautiful woman & sort of says to himself wow, she's hot but I don't want to be a part of it. I'll tease him if I catch him & b1tch about it if I was in the middle of discussing something very important with him which required his full attention.

 

You simply need to define the boundaries so the other person knows where they are.

[mammasita]

I had an ex that I had a relationship like that with but let me caveat that with the fact that we did have threesomes and I would do women then......don't judge me lol

 

The problem with that was when I wasn't in the mood to hear it, there was no turning it off.

 

Now, in your case, I don't think being lax with looking is leeway to allow what happened with you two today. That was kind of pushing it. I think you should definitely say something "look I don't mind that you look, but that was a bit over the line today"

[veggirl]

Phoe you should have spoken up at the time, when it was happening. "No I don't think she's hot, I don't want to do her, why are you even asking me this? You're being really fking rude right now, stop talking about her to me"

[Diezel]

"Hey boyfriend, LOOK, LOOK AT HIM. He's hot, isn't he? Would you do him? Better yet, would you let him come in boots first through your mud room? Aw YEAH. I'd do him."

 

 

 

You're welcome, Phoe.

[pteromom]

"Hey boyfriend, LOOK, LOOK AT HIM. He's hot, isn't he? Would you do him? Better yet, would you let him come in boots first through your mud room? Aw YEAH. I'd do him."

 

 

 

You're welcome, Phoe.

 

Yep, exactly. When you are watching a show, point out a hot actor. Ask your boyfriend if he would do him. When he says no, say "That's weird. When we women see a hot guy, we want to do him." He should get the hint about how that made you feel.

 

But no matter what, don't let your boyfriend's stupid actions affect your self-esteem. You are perfectly ok as you are!

[Phoe]

Thanks for the responses everyone. Gonna try to address them as best I can. My tablet likes to freeze up in the middle of me typing so I may have to be brief.

 

 

Has he got a secret hankering for a 3 some (B-G-G-) I wonder ???

imo he is kinda weird , especially for "would you do her" part , even he is joking , i agree with AW somehow i believe he had "threesome" wish in mind atm..

 

Nah, the BGG threesome was never something he showed interest in. The only fantasy he ever pushed was trying to get me to hook up with another guy, which we nearly broke up over. I put my foot down making it clear that if he kept pushing me to do that, that I would be gone.

 

He knows I find ladies attractive, but he also knows I've never been interested in touching one. I just like to look, he knows this.

 

You do your hair the way YOU want to. Its YOUR hair. Not his. He can grow his hair out and put blond highlights in it and tease and curl it if he likes that style so much.

 

I think you should bring this up, gently and nicely. Tell him that while its fine with you if there's some chick he thinks is hot, he doesn't need to tell you about her. But I would bring it up, because its unfair to you to let this stew.

 

Guys have always hinted at a different preference, or said something like "you would look nice with highlights", and that's fine. Nothing wrong with that. Perfectly polite. But I'm getting conflicting messages from him. He tells me he loves it when I dont wear makeup and leave my hair natural, but then ogles a girl who's the opposite of that. Makes me feel like he's just saying those things to me just to be nice, but doesn't mean it. Makes me feel uncomfortable now, if I'm not looking my best.

 

If possible I'd love to find a way of bringing it up without sounding jealous, and without making him feel like he can't be open with me. I worry that I could easily approach this in the wrong way and then he won't be comfortable sharing things with me. Cause I don't mind him looking.

 

If this is bothering you, you should bring it up. Though with all due respect Phoe, you do have a history of letting things slide with him. So I'd be surprised if you actually talk to him about it.

 

I only let things slide when I know I won't care enough about it, to have it be worth nitpicking at him and starting a fight. We haven't fought in a LONG time. Not since I lasted posted a thread about it. If I feel it is relationship ending worthy, I don't let it slide. Like the fantasy thing.

 

 

I think that your boyfriend treats you also like you are his best friend. He is very honest with you in his childish way. I think you can feel lucky that your boyfriend is open with you and talk with you about everything's on his mind. If you choose to feel annoyed, you will cause him to share with you less and less.

 

This "respect" you're asking for is not a real one. It will just become to "he's hiding things from you".

 

Unfortunately, this is how I feel. That he's quite comfortable with me, and if I bring it up then he will just stop being comfortable with me. I can't figure out whether to let this go, or risk creating a problem.

 

You owe him one, so just point out how hot you think a guy is. One who's in much better shape or driving an expensive car. Talking about it's going to do a whole lot of nothing.

 

I think taking out revenge is just petty. I could never do it.

 

I'm familiar with Phoe. Does this guy know about your past and your already low self esteem and trust issues you have already?

 

Yeah, he knows everything about me. He doesn't intentionally hurt me, but I know he would find me absolutely silly for thinking this way, when I didn't mind anything in the past.