When does a wandering eye go too far?

[somedude81]

I only let things slide when I know I won't care enough about it, to have it be worth nitpicking at him and starting a fight. We haven't fought in a LONG time. Not since I lasted posted a thread about it. If I feel it is relationship ending worthy, I don't let it slide. Like the fantasy thing.

 

Your reply is very telling about the state of your relationship.

 

Granted I have very little relationship experience, but it seems that you feel if you nitpick at him about anything, it will start into a fight.

 

You're walking on eggshells.

 

Unless something is very wrong, you won't bring it up.

 

Hopefully somebody could correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that's not how a relationship should be.

[Phoe]

He's on one lately. He's suddenly gotten particularly sassy about my looks.

 

He mentioned that he had talked with a friend about the hot crazy matrix video, and I mentioned that I'd seen the video. Out of nowhere he starts rating me. Started out with rating me a 7. Then he raised it, then he lowered it to a 1. Then he gave me a crazy rating of 3, but said I'm borderline because of my cat.

 

He then asked me to give him a rating and I refused. Told him I didn't find number ratings useful, that they are subjective, and didn't want any part of that.

 

Wow. I mean, sure, 7 is a realistic number for me, but geez. No girl wants her boyfriend to be "realistic" in telling her how attractive she is. Way to kill any mood.

[CaliGypsy]

I don't know him so can't say if he's actually discontented or just young and dumb.

 

If you feel this man is worthy of you, (You're awesome!! ) then you need to let him know that he's coming across as discontented which is disrespectful of you.

 

It is OK to stand up and demand the respect you deserve . You're a good , loving, beautiful, faithful girlfriend . Do not let any man tell you otherwise. If this man is worthy of you, he'll listen to you, and will understand that what he's doing is hurtful .

[Phoe]

I don't know him so can't say if he's actually discontented or just young and dumb.

 

If you feel this man is worthy of you, (You're awesome!! ) then you need to let him know that he's coming across as discontented which is disrespectful of you.

 

It is OK to stand up and demand the respect you deserve . You're a good , loving, beautiful, faithful girlfriend . Do not let any man tell you otherwise. If this man is worthy of you, he'll listen to you, and will understand that what he's doing is hurtful .

 

I don't even know. Is he not content, or is it something else? Is there a motive behind this?

 

2 days ago he's telling me I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, then yesterday chicks in the store are hot and today I'm a 7.

 

When I refused to rate him, he rated himself, stating that as a man without kids, who has a job, he's pretty much an 8, and that women hit on him all the time.

 

Okay.

 

What's the point of this?!

[somedude81]

What's the point of this?!

 

To test you.

[Phoe]

To test you.

 

I think so. But WHY?

 

What is he trying to achieve with this?

[somedude81]

I think so. But WHY?

 

What is he trying to achieve with this?

 

I'm getting the impression that he's bored of your relationship.

 

Or he feels that he has all the power and you'll just put up with whatever he does and says.

 

As I said before, I don't have a lot of relationship experience but I'm still getting that feeling from what I've read and also know about your history.

[carhill]

When does a wandering eye go too far?

 

When one feels compelled to inquire of disinterested strangers when a wandering eye has gone too far.

 

Regarding 'testing', some personality types use tests as behavioral control experiments to see what they can 'get away with'. If it's done smoothly, it can become a method of mind control. Something to watch out for with smooth and convincing gentlemen.

[somedude81]

I wanted to edit my post and say that it may be a sort of game to him now.

[Diezel]

Phoe, I think he's poking the proverbial bear, on purpose.

 

Look at how "much" this has all been within the last week. Gauge it. Compare it to previous behaviors.

[2sunny]

I think so. But WHY?

 

What is he trying to achieve with this?

 

Well - it made you feel less than, inadequate and question yourself right?

 

So if he needs to make you feel worse so that he feels better - that's a dynamic that's very hurtful and harms you.

 

A healthy, balanced relationship would never look like what you described.

 

Your R is way out of balance. He's winning (if you call it that) he's on a power play and holds more power.

 

But that's because you keep participating while he treats you like dirt.

[CrystalCastles]

We haven't fought in a LONG time.

 

Maybe because you're just accepting things that most people wouldn't be ok with? You've posted a few other things on this site throughout the last two months that made me go "woa! that's not good!". And then you kind of just accept it.

 

Phoe, I think you need to work on your self-respect. You don't seem to be respecting yourself, so other people don't respect you. You should be saying "no! I don't deserve this!". And not be afraid to stand up for yourself. A lot of these issues you just sweep under the carpet, maybe because you're hoping that by ignoring them, they'll go away. They won't. Telling your boyfriend when he does something wrong, like borrows your money and doesn't pay you back, points out hot girls, lashes out at you for having a university degree and being intelligent, these things are definitely not someone who claims to be in love with you should do. If your sister or best friend told you everything you've told us, what would you say to her? You're always so good at giving very well-thought out advice to other people. I think you need to apply the same mindset to your own situation.

[2sunny]

I think so. But WHY?

 

What is he trying to achieve with this?

 

Phoe,

 

Why are you acting like his unacceptable behavior is acceptable?

 

Why is he allowed to tell you how to wear your hair and makeup?

 

Why are you bending over backwards not to rock the boat?

 

The guy seems controlling and somewhat abusive.

 

 

You SHOULD be having a monster argument about his lack of respect and honor for you. Yet you're not willing to have a voice and speak your truth.

 

Why don't you think more of yourself - so as not to allow him to treat you terribly without saying something major to him?

 

He's a crappy boyfriend! If he could have gotten her number he would have.

 

Start saying things! Enough to act like you respect yourself and he should respect you too! There's been no arguments because you are participating like his behavior is a ok for you.

 

If you want to be treated like crap just tell us so we can stop wasting our energy. If you want to be treated well then start training him to understand perfectly well when he's acting like a total jerk.

[Phoe]

I'm very tolerant. There's a lot that others would mind, that I don't mind.

 

It's just hard to explain when I'm not tolerant, without coming off as psycho. He thinks I'm a pain in the ass as it is, and with him mentioning girls always hitting on him, it's almost like he's saying "careful, I love you, but if I am no longer happy, I do have other options".

 

I've never been with someone who treats me so well. He's so caring. He loves me, and I don't think anyone would ever love me as much as he does. He's even told me that, which I agree with. He understands my quirks, and tolerates my bad qualities. While exes called me chunky, called me a tranny, bullied me, and abused me physically, he calls me beautiful everyday. I've been told I look like a man in the past (heck, I got told that men probably mistake me for a man, just the other day on this forum).

 

I've been cheated on, abused, used, discarded, and bullied by men all my life, and I finally have someone who treats me likes a princess and loves me. Yes, there are flaws and I have my moments when I'm aggravated or hurt by something he's done, but it's not worth throwing away the relationship over.

 

Twice before, I almost broke up with him, and I've been struggling lately. I love him, but I also don't think I'll ever find anyone else who would love me and care for me like he does. He is kinder to me than anyone else I have met in my entire life. I could find someone might like me, tolerate me, sure, but it would be a long and painful road and a very lonely one, and for what, deciding that I won't put up with occasional irritating behavior?

[2sunny]

The guy is a jerk - I'm just going by what you've described.

 

Maybe learn not to be THAT tolerant.

 

Have you done counseling? Those are a lot of big issues that would warrant some intensive trauma therapy to help you.

 

He should never call you a pain in threads or even chunky.

[Phoe]

Yeah I've had counseling. It came down to being told that I have to CHOOSE to move past things.

 

Which was maddening to hear.

 

But I did it.

 

I choose to be happy, I choose to be okay, I choose to let go of the past and not carry it with me everyday. Over time, pretending all those things became a reality. I tricked myself into actually being okay.

[somedude81]

I've never been with someone who treats me so well. He's so caring. He loves me, and I don't think anyone would ever love me as much as he does. He's even told me that, which I agree with.

 

Holy crap!

 

Did you just really write that?!

[2sunny]

Yeah I've had counseling. It came down to being told that I have to CHOOSE to move past things.

 

Which was maddening to hear.

 

But I did it.

 

I choose to be happy, I choose to be okay, I choose to let go of the past and not carry it with me everyday. Over time, pretending all those things became a reality. I tricked myself into actually being okay.

 

I'm hoping you might get a new therapist to help you understand the trauma you've endured and how to participate in any relationship as a strong woman who has the courage to be her authentic self. The gal who has a voice and speaks her truth.

 

The gal that dumps a douchebag when he's demeaning and cruel. The gal that doesn't take that crap that your BF is fishing out acting like that's actually love.

 

It's not what love is supposed to look like when it's healthy.

[NJ123]

I'm very tolerant. There's a lot that others would mind, that I don't mind.

 

It's just hard to explain when I'm not tolerant, without coming off as psycho. He thinks I'm a pain in the ass as it is, and with him mentioning girls always hitting on him, it's almost like he's saying "careful, I love you, but if I am no longer happy, I do have other options".

 

I've never been with someone who treats me so well. He's so caring. He loves me, and I don't think anyone would ever love me as much as he does. He's even told me that, which I agree with. He understands my quirks, and tolerates my bad qualities. While exes called me chunky, called me a tranny, bullied me, and abused me physically, he calls me beautiful everyday. I've been told I look like a man in the past (heck, I got told that men probably mistake me for a man, just the other day on this forum).

 

I've been cheated on, abused, used, discarded, and bullied by men all my life, and I finally have someone who treats me likes a princess and loves me. Yes, there are flaws and I have my moments when I'm aggravated or hurt by something he's done, but it's not worth throwing away the relationship over.

 

Twice before, I almost broke up with him, and I've been struggling lately. I love him, but I also don't think I'll ever find anyone else who would love me and care for me like he does. He is kinder to me than anyone else I have met in my entire life. I could find someone might like me, tolerate me, sure, but it would be a long and painful road and a very lonely one, and for what, deciding that I won't put up with occasional irritating behavior?

 

I think your using this as an excuse to not break up with this guy because you don't want to be alone again. From what you said in this thread, he doesn't sound like he cares about you as much as you seem to think. He sounds pretty abusive honestly.

[Phoe]

I think your using this as an excuse to not break up with this guy because you don't want to be alone again. From what you said in this thread, he doesn't sound like he cares about you as much as you seem to think. He sounds pretty abusive honestly.

 

I was expecting that someone would say I didn't want to be alone.

 

I am fine with being single. I was single for 6 years. Single is what I know. Not getting approached, and getting rejected, is what I know. I'm an only child, an introvert, and am quite happy with alone.

 

What I don't want, is to make a huge mistake and regret breaking up with him, because I am 99.9% sure I will never find anyone who's good to me like this, who loves me like this, ever again. I got lucky this time around, I don't see it happening again.

[NJ123]

I was expecting that someone would say I didn't want to be alone.

 

I am fine with being single. I was single for 6 years. Single is what I know. Not getting approached, and getting rejected, is what I know. I'm an only child, an introvert, and am quite happy with alone.

 

What I don't want, is to make a huge mistake and regret breaking up with him, because I am 99.9% sure I will never find anyone who's good to me like this, who loves me like this, ever again. I got lucky this time around, I don't see it happening again.

 

True, it's just that from some of the things you've mentioned about him in this thread doesn't exactly portray him in the most positive way. Comes across as a huge jerk if you ask me. Obviously I'm not the one one who feels that way from some of the other responses you've gotten in this thread.

[2sunny]

I was expecting that someone would say I didn't want to be alone.

 

I am fine with being single. I was single for 6 years. Single is what I know. Not getting approached, and getting rejected, is what I know. I'm an only child, an introvert, and am quite happy with alone.

 

What I don't want, is to make a huge mistake and regret breaking up with him, because I am 99.9% sure I will never find anyone who's good to me like this, who loves me like this, ever again. I got lucky this time around, I don't see it happening again.

 

The fact that you view this as lucky is very concerning.

 

A new therapist could help you gain a better perspective about what lucky looks like.

[somedude81]

What I don't want, is to make a huge mistake and regret breaking up with him, because I am 99.9% sure I will never find anyone who's good to me like this, who loves me like this, ever again. I got lucky this time around, I don't see it happening again.

 

It is amazing how much the two of us think alike Phoe.

 

I seriously could see myself writing that about my ex if I was still with her, even if I felt she was treating me poorly. Why would I leave her when I'd never find a girl as good as her? And of course I got incredibly lucky to even be with her.

 

Of course the thought that I'd never get another girlfriend again, especially one who treated me as good as she did when things were good, is ridiculous. If I felt that was the case, then I would have given up trying to get a new girlfriend long ago.

 

Phoe, you can find a guy who treats you just as good and most likely better than your boyfriend does. And somebody who loves you as much.

 

I know that you know that something is wrong with your relationship. But you're too scared to pull the plug. You say you're fine with being single, maybe you were in the past, but you're not anymore.

[NJ123]

It is amazing how much the two of us think alike Phoe.

 

I seriously could see myself writing that about my ex if I was still with her, even if I felt she was treating me poorly. Why would I leave her when I'd never find a girl as good as her? And of course I got incredibly lucky to even be with her.

 

Of course the thought that I'd never get another girlfriend again, especially one who treated me as good as she did when things were good, is ridiculous. If I felt that was the case, then I would have given up trying to get a new girlfriend long ago.

 

Phoe, you can find a guy who treats you just as good and most likely better than your boyfriend does. And somebody who loves you as much.

 

I know that you know that something is wrong with your relationship. But you're too scared to pull the plug. You say you're fine with being single, maybe you were in the past, but you're not anymore.

 

Yeah, I should have added in my last post that it doesn't seem like she'd be okay being alone again. Since she specifically mentioned that "it would be a long & painful road & a lonely one". Those words show she's not okay being single anymore.

[singsparkles]

I personally am not into the "wandering eye" at all... I'd rather be with a guy who could be in a room full of beautiful women with me by his side and not even barely look up, and hold my hand, kiss my hand, kiss my cheek right in front of everyone.

 

I was never a fan of the wandering eye and I've been notorious to break up with men for it, call me crazy. Lol

 

I just have high expectations and believe if a guy truly loves you, other women will not appeal to him at all, because in his mind, he has everything he wants/needs with you. Whats the point of even looking?

 

When I'm in a relationship, I never look or have a wandering eye even if a gorgeous man was in front of me, the only person I would see is the guy who I'm with... doesnt matter if he's not the best looking, best at this, best at that, I love the person I'm with for everything he is and wouldnt trade that person for the world, so theres no need to look elsewhere.