When does a wandering eye go too far?

[singsparkles]

I had a tough situation earlier and was hoping to get some insight.

 

I am not a jealous girl. I'm a really reasonable girlfriend, I understand that men look at attractive women. I have never minded if my boyfriend looks a bit, because I know it means nothing. Even sometimes he will point a girl out to me if she has particularly large breasts.

 

But today it kinda went farther than I like. We were in a store and I was browsing, when he suddenly stops me and goes "babe! Babe!! Look at her!" So I look quickly, then go back to browsing. Then he's like "no, babe, LOOK!" And is trying to sort of drag me closer towards her.

 

Then asks me "babe, would you do her?" And I said "no.", so then he asks, "but why?" I look at him and raise my eyebrows "I wouldn't do her because I don't like vaginas" and sort of shrug, really confused about what this conversations about.

 

Then the kicker. He says "but she's hot!"

 

 

I slowly agree, saying "okay, yes, but that doesn't mean I would want to do her" and at this point my annoyance is probably obvious.

 

Then he says "huh, I guess its different for girls, cause when a guy thinks a girls hot he wants to do her"

 

Wow. In a matter of a minute he called another girl hot and implied he wanted to do her.

 

This is extremely out of character behavior for him. But I feel hurt by it.

 

She was VERY pretty. I feel like she is all the things he kind of wishes I was. He often hints at me looking a certain way, but that's just not me.

 

She had very long brown hair that was heavily highlighted blonde, teased, a lot of hairspray and curled with an iron. It's a look that takes a lot of time and money to achieve.

 

That's not my style. I have natural undyed dark hair. I don't use heat or products on it, I just leave it straight and sleek. Plus he had an awful reaction to me trimming my hair. I only took off maybe 4 inches. It's still past my shoulders but you'd think I'd done something insane the way he reacted. Plus he doesn't like me wearing it pulled back, which I did today. I can't always wear it down. I was at work at 530 am this morning, and then went straight to see him. I'm not gonna get up at 430 am so I can do my hair like hers everyday. Not reasonable. He always tells me he would like me with highlights, and that I should let my hair grow long and threatens he would dump me if I chopped it, but I just don't want to deal with all of that.

 

Plus she was wearing a lot of makeup. He always tells me he prefers me without makeup, so I wear less, but then points out how hot this girl with lots of makeup is. Very conflicting messages.

 

Feel really down about myself now, and can't help but feel like that was a big hint from him that he would prefer if I looked like her. I put effort into taking care of myself and looking nice, but she's gorgeous, and all the effort in the world wouldn't make me look like that.

 

Not sure how to bring this up with him, if at all. Right now I'm thinking to just let it go. Showing any sign of jealousy, when he knows me as a rather non-jealous girl, will likely cause trouble.

 

 

 

 

 

PS How long have you been with this guy? I'm sorry, but he seems like a douche. I've been in similar circumstances. It hurts. But honestly, how could he even have the guts to say something like that to you???? whats wrong with him mentally????? he should know better than that. He's supposed to make you feel like the center of his world, and he shouldn;t even be looking at these women, and ESPECIALLY not talking about them!!!

 

I'm sorry but I think what he did was majorly rude and if he could do that, what else could he do?

 

I'm sorry... I just think you deserve way better!!! Every women deserves a man who only sees her in a room full of people.

 

Don't settle!

 

xoxo

[Phoe]

I know that you know that something is wrong with your relationship. But you're too scared to pull the plug. You say you're fine with being single, maybe you were in the past, but you're not anymore.

 

I'd rather be single, knowing that it's the right choice and there are great things ahead in the future, than be in a relationship that is wrong.

 

The problem is that I don't believe that I would ever have better than this.

 

I've been with truly abusive men. Ive watched friends time and time again cheat, hit, scream at their SO.

 

My issues are miniscule in comparison.

 

I just wish I could find a middle ground where I can express my discomfort to him about these things, without feeling like he will take it horribly wrong, and think he needs to walk on eggshells.

[singsparkles]

I'd rather be single, knowing that it's the right choice and there are great things ahead in the future, than be in a relationship that is wrong.

 

The problem is that I don't believe that I would ever have better than this.

 

I've been with truly abusive men. Ive watched friends time and time again cheat, hit, scream at their SO.

 

My issues are miniscule in comparison.

 

I just wish I could find a middle ground where I can express my discomfort to him about these things, without feeling like he will take it horribly wrong, and think he needs to walk on eggshells.

 

 

 

You DO deserve better!!!!

 

And you should be single rather than stay with him...

 

Let him do that to the next girl and see how she feels.

 

Men never change their colors. If he's doing that with you, he'll do that to the next!

[Dontfindme]

I'd rather be single, knowing that it's the right choice and there are great things ahead in the future, than be in a relationship that is wrong.

 

The problem is that I don't believe that I would ever have better than this.

 

I've been with truly abusive men. Ive watched friends time and time again cheat, hit, scream at their SO.

 

My issues are miniscule in comparison.

 

I just wish I could find a middle ground where I can express my discomfort to him about these things, without feeling like he will take it horribly wrong, and think he needs to walk on eggshells.

 

So instead you decide to walk on eggshells for him?

[2sunny]

Then be single Phoe. Take time to address your past issues and work

Through them with a new counselor.

[Phoe]

Yeah, I should have added in my last post that it doesn't seem like she'd be okay being alone again. Since she specifically mentioned that "it would be a long & painful road & a lonely one". Those words show she's not okay being single anymore.

 

I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. There have actually been times when I wished I was single. Not because I want to break up with him, not because I want anyone else, but because I WANT to be alone and when I get frustrated at him I sometimes wish for the simplicity I had when I was single.

 

I like being single.

 

What I don't like, is risking breaking up with him and never being loved ever again and being single for the rest of my life, or perhaps in some short lived half ass relationships for the rest of my life, until I give up on it altogether.

[Lani]

I'd rather be single, knowing that it's the right choice and there are great things ahead in the future, than be in a relationship that is wrong.

 

The problem is that I don't believe that I would ever have better than this.

 

I've been with truly abusive men. Ive watched friends time and time again cheat, hit, scream at their SO.

 

My issues are miniscule in comparison.

 

I just wish I could find a middle ground where I can express my discomfort to him about these things, without feeling like he will take it horribly wrong, and think he needs to walk on eggshells.

 

The thing is this-

 

If you don't mind being single then why stay in a relationship because you think there may not be anything better? It shouldn't matter.

 

Never compare your relationship, life or happiness to anyone else. It's about you and how you feel.

[somedude81]

I'd rather be single, knowing that it's the right choice and there are great things ahead in the future, than be in a relationship that is wrong.

 

The problem is that I don't believe that I would ever have better than this.

 

I've been with truly abusive men. Ive watched friends time and time again cheat, hit, scream at their SO.

 

My issues are miniscule in comparison.

 

So because you've been in bad relationships, and you seen you friends be in bad relationships, you feel that this is the best that exists in the world? That what you have is as good as it gets?

 

Does that really seem logical?

 

I just wish I could find a middle ground where I can express my discomfort to him about these things, without feeling like he will take it horribly wrong, and think he needs to walk on eggshells.

 

Uh, I don't think it's him who is thinking he needs to walk on eggshells.

 

You just said it, if you express your discomfort, you feel he will take it horribly wrong.

 

Would you mind imaging how he would respond if you told him that you didn't like how he talked to you about that woman he wanted you to do.

 

Would he be calm and rational? Maybe even apologize to you for making you feel uncomfortable? Or the complete opposite?

[Phoe]

The thing is this-

 

If you don't mind being single then why stay in a relationship because you think there may not be anything better? It shouldn't matter.

 

Never compare your relationship, life or happiness to anyone else. It's about you and how you feel.

 

Because when I've got what I believe is the best thing i would ever have in my entire life, do I just throw it away? no! Least of all not on some principle of indicating that I'm okay with being single. My whole life has been singleness. It works just fine for me. Doesn't mean I will run to it when things get tough

[NJ123]

I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. There have actually been times when I wished I was single. Not because I want to break up with him, not because I want anyone else, but because I WANT to be alone and when I get frustrated at him I sometimes wish for the simplicity I had when I was single.

 

I like being single.

 

What I don't like, is risking breaking up with him and never being loved ever again and being single for the rest of my life, or perhaps in some short lived half ass relationships for the rest of my life, until I give up on it altogether.

 

Okay, sorry. Fair enough. But it still seems like your making excuses to stay with this guy. You keep hearing the same thing in this thread from both men & women that this guy doesn't sound like a good guy at all. Like I said this thread doesn't portray him in a good way at all.

[lollipopspot]

I'm just concerned that by being laid back and unconcerned about him looking in the past, that I set a precedent where he figured this would be okay. My own fault really. Maybe I can somehow bring it up, without making him feel like every move of his eyeballs is gonna be monitored. I don't care if he looks. But don't tell me how hot she is

 

The truth to this is that you being so non confrontational with him despite whatever he does being hurtful, rude, or unacceptable, has given him the go-ahead to be an ass, and it's only going to get worse. You need to stand up for yourself. You being so laid back and non confrontational is NOT making him respect and value you more, it's making him think that you're not someone who needs to be respected and valued.

 

If you actually stood up and said what you wanted and what was acceptable to you, in a reasonable manner, he's either going to respect you more (which should happen if he's a decent guy) or he's going to have a hissy fit (which you're afraid of) in which case he's really not the guy for you long-term.

[Lani]

Because when I've got what I believe is the best thing i would ever have in my entire life, do I just throw it away? no! Least of all not on some principle of indicating that I'm okay with being single. My whole life has been singleness. It works just fine for me. Doesn't mean I will run to it when things get tough

 

I'm not implying that you should/would be/are running when things get tough.

 

All I'm reall trying to tell you that just because you think you have it good in some areas, it doesn't mean you should ignore or let go the things that bother you.

If something irritated you enough to start a thread about it, does that not warrant some serious consideration about your relationship?

[Phoe]

 

Would you mind imaging how he would respond if you told him that you didn't like how he talked to you about that woman he wanted you to do.

 

Would he be calm and rational? Maybe even apologize to you for making you feel uncomfortable? Or the complete opposite?

 

I've been trying to imagine it, and it's kinda hard, but I think he would be confused, ask why this time mattered when I never cared in the past, get irritated at my sudden illogicalness, he'd call me silly, and grumpily apologize.

 

 

 

In regards to the first portion of your post, yes, I find it quite logical. When most of the relationships you witness are horrendous, and when you struggle to find relationships in the first place, and then come on this forum and witness many more people struggling to make a connection of any kind, it makes you very grateful for the good you do have.

[somedude81]

I've been trying to imagine it, and it's kinda hard, but I think he would be confused, ask why this time mattered when I never cared in the past, get irritated at my sudden illogicalness, he'd call me silly, and grumpily apologize.

 

OK, then if you think that's all that's going to happen then bring it up.

 

Eventually he'll start to learn what is acceptable with you and what isn't. But you are going to have to make the first move.

 

Still, you guys are 10 months into a relationship and this is stuff that should have been established at month one.

 

In regards to the first portion of your post, yes, I find it quite logical. When most of the relationships you witness are horrendous, and when you struggle to find relationships in the first place, and then come on this forum and witness many more people struggling to make a connection of any kind, it makes you very grateful for the good you do have.

 

Yes there are good and healthy relationships out there where people don't fight and are truly happy with each other, but it seem you need to see that first hand to believe it. Or you possibly need to experience it yourself and then you can look back at what you've had, and realize that things weren't that great.

 

If you truly feel that this relationship is the best that you are going to ever have, then I suggest you do whatever you can so that you enjoy it the most. The most important thing is your happiness. If there is something that you aren't happy with, then try to fix it. Don't let it fall apart around you.

[Diezel]

So this is a guy who will ask you if you want to do women because they are hot and he would do them... and who reminds you about the way he loves you and tells you that no one will love you like he does... amongst other things you aren't saying...

 

And you think that's the best you can do?

 

Because you might not ever be loved "like this" again?

 

These are the rationalizations of someone who is settling.

I get that you were in really bad relationships in the past, but it seems like those experiences brought the bar down so low, that you'd take this to be a good relationship in comparison.

 

If you don't think you deserve better, then fine. This is as good as it gets. Settle. And keep living the rest of your life wanting to break up every few weeks but holding on because you don't think you can do better.

[Phoe]

What I am REALLY not understanding, is how anyone can equate his behavior that I find irritating, to abuse. That is such a massive jump.

 

I'm not being hit. I'm not being verbally degraded. He's tactless, absolutely, but I am not being abused.

 

This guy bends over backwards to care for me and be good to me, and when I mention negative instances, it's abuse.

 

Of course a negative thread, about a negative situation, is going to paint him in a bad light. That doesn't mean that that's all there is to him.

 

Breaking up with him would be a huge mistake, and I'd regret it immensely.

[Anela]

You only ever seem to share the negative. People here can only go by what you tell them. If it's wearing on your self-esteem, it can be abusive - it's happened to me, and at first, I wondered if I was being too sensitive, wanted to deal with things like an adult, and didn't want to make a scene. The only trouble was, he didn't care to show me the same courtesy.

 

You should at least tell him that you don't want to hear things like that from him, anymore - that it hurt your feelings. You need to stand up for yourself more often - offline.

[Phoe]

Eventually he'll start to learn what is acceptable with you and what isn't. But you are going to have to make the first move.

 

Still, you guys are 10 months into a relationship and this is stuff that should have been established at month one.

 

How is a situation that has never occurred, and I never thought would occur, something that you establish at month one?

 

It's like people expect the first month of a relationship to be all about formalities, laying down the law of what is or isn't expected for any and every hypothetical situation, for what MIGHT be considered hurtful.

 

There's no logical explanation for me needing to have a conversation at the one month mark saying "I'm not jealous and don't mind you looking, but don't tell me about how chicks in the vicinity are hot. Also, don't rate me on a number scale."

 

Nobody has that conversation, because no one thinks that situation will actually happen. His behavior over the past 10 months has indicated that nothing like that would ever occur. Sure, he'd briefly look. If a girl with big boobs was around, he'd point it out so that I might look, because he knows I'm intrigued by large boobs. He did nothing but call me the most beautiful girl in the world and tell me how he thinks I'm pretty without makeup, and sure, he suggested that I would look nice with highlights and longer hair, but he didn't demand it or tell me that I had to. Just stated that he thought it would look good.

 

Nothing in 10 months indicated that he'd suddenly act bizarre over the past 2 days, which is why I'm here asking what the heck this change means. Perhaps he's testing me, he's bored, he's trying to hint at something. I don't know.

[Phoe]

You only ever seem to share the negative. People here can only go by what you tell them. If it's wearing on your self-esteem, it can be abusive - it's happened to me, and at first, I wondered if I was being too sensitive, wanted to deal with things like an adult, and didn't want to make a scene. The only trouble was, he didn't care to show me the same courtesy.

 

You should at least tell him that you don't want to hear things like that from him, anymore - that it hurt your feelings. You need to stand up for yourself more often - offline.

 

I share positive things regularly. I always did. People always glazed over them, or downplayed them saying "if you think that's a positive then you've got low standards". I don't care if OTHERS don't like those positives, what matters is that they are positives to ME.

 

I stopped talking about my relationship much at all for the past few months because of people latching on to the negatives, exagerrating them, then ignoring and downplaying the positives. Then Somedude messages me asking why I'm pretending like I'm not in a relationship. IM NOT. I'm simply avoiding talking about it, because when I do, this is what happens. This thread is a perfect example of why I can't talk about my relationship here.

[somedude81]

Phoe, you actually remind me a lot of my ex.

 

She was with the guy before me for three years. Their relationship was unhealthy for a year and a half yet she stayed with him, even though she knew that things were bad.

 

Like you she had poor self-esteem and felt that he was the best she was ever going to get. So she just stuck with him. This was the guy she lost her virginity to, so for a time she really loved him.

 

Odds are that if she didn't meet me, she would still be with him. Very unhappy and coming up on year 4.

 

Of course she made a mistake by monkey branching to me. What she should have done was break up with him on her own, without having a guy in mind to replace him.

 

That is what I think you should do as well. Break up with him now. And be single for some time. Then you can clear your head and reevaluate what's important to you and then start the search again for a new guy.

 

Though I have a feeling that is not what you are going to do. You will stick with him till you absolutely can't take it anymore and then you'll meet a guy and start to like him, and then you'll monkey branch.

[Anela]

I share positive things regularly. I always did. People always glazed over them, or downplayed them saying "if you think that's a positive then you've got low standards". I don't care if OTHERS don't like those positives, what matters is that they are positives to ME.

 

I stopped talking about my relationship much at all for the past few months because of people latching on to the negatives, exagerrating them, then ignoring and downplaying the positives. Then Somedude messages me asking why I'm pretending like I'm not in a relationship. IM NOT. I'm simply avoiding talking about it, because when I do, this is what happens. This thread is a perfect example of why I can't talk about my relationship here.

 

I've mostly seen the negative, that's why I mentioned it. The thing is, it hurt you enough to mention it here, so just make sure that you speak up about it to him, okay?

[Phoe]

Though I have a feeling that is not what you are going to do. You will stick with him till you absolutely can't take it anymore and then you'll meet a guy and start to like him, and then you'll monkey branch.

 

Wow. This is actually very insulting.

 

How many times have I told you that I find monkey branching despicable, that it is cowardly and immature behavior, that is the behavior of a certain kind of girl that nobody should be wanting to date, an indicator of lack of loyalty, and a girl that is easy to sway... How many times have I PERSONALLY told you this?

 

and now you suggest that I'll end up doing that. That I'll be just like those girls. Unbelievable.

[Phoe]

I've mostly seen the negative, that's why I mentioned it. The thing is, it hurt you enough to mention it here, so just make sure that you speak up about it to him, okay?

 

Literally every thread I start here trying to discuss an issue, turns into this. Turns into "you're being abused this guy is a psychology you need to leave".

 

Like clockwork, people say I only ever mention the negative. Then I reference the times I stated the positive and got ignored. Literally in every thread, I end up making a huge long post referencing all the wonderful things about him. It gets ignored/downplayed.

 

I'm gonna break that cycle and not waste my time making a post about the wonderful things, because no one will care anyway. It'll get bypassed as everyone shouts "abuse!"

[Anela]

Literally every thread I start here trying to discuss an issue, turns into this. Turns into "you're being abused this guy is a psychology you need to leave".

 

Like clockwork, people say I only ever mention the negative. Then I reference the times I stated the positive and got ignored. Literally in every thread, I end up making a huge long post referencing all the wonderful things about him. It gets ignored/downplayed.

 

I'm gonna break that cycle and not waste my time making a post about the wonderful things, because no one will care anyway. It'll get bypassed as everyone shouts "abuse!"

 

I didn't shout, "abuse!" I only mentioned it, because you did. I didn't ignore anything from you, I'm not omnipotent: I don't see everything.

[xxoo]

I just wish I could find a middle ground where I can express my discomfort to him about these things, without feeling like he will take it horribly wrong, and think he needs to walk on eggshells.

 

YOU are walking on eggshells. That's what you are doing by not telling him how this very irritating behavior is irritating you.

 

Why are you walking on eggshells? Why do you feel you need to walk on eggshells?