When does a wandering eye go too far?

[somedude81]

Wow. This is actually very insulting.

 

How many times have I told you that I find monkey branching despicable, that it is cowardly and immature behavior, that is the behavior of a certain kind of girl that nobody should be wanting to date, an indicator of lack of loyalty, and a girl that is easy to sway... How many times have I PERSONALLY told you this?

 

and now you suggest that I'll end up doing that. That I'll be just like those girls. Unbelievable.

 

Yes, I'm very aware of what you've said about monkey branching. And that you feel very strongly about it.

 

But that's not saying that you won't do it. You're setting yourself up to do it right now.

 

Someday you will meet a guy who blows you away and odds are you will still be with your current BF. What are you going to do in that situation?

[Phoe]

YOU are walking on eggshells. That's what you are doing by not telling him how this very irritating behavior is irritating you.

 

Why are you walking on eggshells? Why do you feel you need to walk on eggshells?

 

I'm not telling him simply because I never plan on doing so, I'm not telling him because I'm trying to find the right way to do so. The suggestions here range from being harsh, to getting revenge with his own medicine. That is NOT how I want to do it. I want to do it in a way that lets him know I don't want it to be taken that far, without making him feel like I'm being jealous or controlling of his behavior, without making him feel like I'm judging every move of his eye or word out of his mouth. I do not want to jeopardize the level of openness, by coming off to harshly, which could very easily happen.

[Blade96]

I agree with you Phoe. He hasn't crossed the line into being "abuse" He's just douchey.

 

I also agree that you wouldn't lay down laws on month one of what you do don't allow (well sometimes, for example I tell people I don't want kids)

 

But now this has come up, so just tell him what you just said some posts back:

 

"I'm not jealous and don't mind you looking, but don't tell me about how chicks in the vicinity are hot. Also, don't rate me on a number scale."

 

Stand up for yourself. Also say you don't like him trying to change your looks, you're a good nice clean woman and don't do it unless the person has a hygiene problem. Or something. Otherwise no.

 

Eesy peesy.

[Phoe]

I didn't shout, "abuse!" I only mentioned it, because you did. I didn't ignore anything from you, I'm not omnipotent: I don't see everything.

 

Please don't nitpick at me with technicalities. I didn't say that YOU shouted "abuse", I was stating that that is the theme of this thread, that is the direction it is going, in, people suggesting that I am being abused, and it all snowballs into this big frustrating problem where everyone thinks I'm abused with low standards, that my boyfriend is a douche, that I never say anything positive about him, so I countered saying that I am tired of this cycle, that I am tired of constantly repeating myself stating the positives, when it gets ignored time and time again.

 

No one cares about his positives. That is clear as day. All anyone cares about is that there are negatives, and that this must mean it is crucial that I leave.

[somedude81]

Phoe, if it's not clear there is only one goal in all of my posts to you.

 

I want you to be happy.

 

You are obviously not happy now.

[Anela]

I'm not telling him simply because I never plan on doing so, I'm not telling him because I'm trying to find the right way to do so. The suggestions here range from being harsh, to getting revenge with his own medicine. That is NOT how I want to do it. I want to do it in a way that lets him know I don't want it to be taken that far, without making him feel like I'm being jealous or controlling of his behavior, without making him feel like I'm judging every move of his eye or word out of his mouth. I do not want to jeopardize the level of openness, by coming off to harshly, which could very easily happen.

 

I didn't say to be harsh, or to get revenge (did I?). I said that you need to speak up when something upsets you. I also feel that he can be a douche, but I didn't say that you should be a douche to him.

[Phoe]

 

Someday you will meet a guy who blows you away and odds are you will still be with your current BF. What are you going to do in that situation?

 

As a loyal girl, I don't ever find myself in situations where I'm "blown away" by another guy.

 

It takes a certain level of openness and intimacy when interacting with a guy, for me to find myself being "blown away".

 

Loyal girlfriends never find themselves in open, vulnerable, and intimate conversations and interactions with other men. Point blank.

[Anela]

Please don't nitpick at me with technicalities. I didn't say that YOU shouted "abuse", I was stating that that is the theme of this thread, that is the direction it is going, in, people suggesting that I am being abused, and it all snowballs into this big frustrating problem where everyone thinks I'm abused with low standards, that my boyfriend is a douche, that I never say anything positive about him, so I countered saying that I am tired of this cycle, that I am tired of constantly repeating myself stating the positives, when it gets ignored time and time again.

 

No one cares about his positives. That is clear as day. All anyone cares about is that there are negatives, and that this must mean it is crucial that I leave.

 

That isn't true. You've assumed that I wanted you to be harsh - you responded to the person above, and in the range of responses that you mentioned, you failed to include those of us who said that you should simply speak up about what makes you uncomfortable. It's clear that you don't intend to tell him that you're hurt, though.

[Phoe]

I didn't say to be harsh, or to get revenge (did I?). I said that you need to speak up when something upsets you. I also feel that he can be a douche, but I didn't say that you should be a douche to him.

 

Once again, I must reiterate, that I am not speaking about YOU directly, that I am stating a common theme of his thread that I am not pleased with.

 

Others, towards the start of the thread, suggested that I get revenge, or gave examples of conversations with him that were too harsh.

 

 

Why am I constantly stating the same things over and over and over, from thread to thread, month to month. This is an endless cycle and no matter how much I try to break free from the cycle on this forum, of constantly repeating the same things over and over, to deaf ears, I just end up repeating some new statement, that is just as equally invisible.

[xxoo]

I'm not telling him simply because I never plan on doing so, I'm not telling him because I'm trying to find the right way to do so. The suggestions here range from being harsh, to getting revenge with his own medicine. That is NOT how I want to do it. I want to do it in a way that lets him know I don't want it to be taken that far, without making him feel like I'm being jealous or controlling of his behavior, without making him feel like I'm judging every move of his eye or word out of his mouth. I do not want to jeopardize the level of openness, by coming off to harshly, which could very easily happen.

 

In a normal, healthy relationship, the level of openness is not jeopardized by a calm discussion.

 

This is such a simple conversation to have (just say "I don't like hearing about ______"), yet you are hesitant and concerned about his reaction. What is the reason for your restrained openness?

[Anela]

You will feel better if you set boundaries. The initial discomfort when setting them, is worth it.

[Phoe]

That isn't true. You've assumed that I wanted you to be harsh - you responded to the person above, and in the range of responses that you mentioned, you failed to include those of us who said that you should simply speak up about what makes you uncomfortable. It's clear that you don't intend to tell him that you're hurt, though.

 

Once again, I must reiterate, that I am not speaking about YOU directly, that I am stating a common theme of his thread that I am not pleased with.

 

Others, towards the start of the thread, suggested that I get revenge, or gave examples of conversations with him that were too harsh.

 

 

Why am I constantly stating the same things over and over and over, from thread to thread, month to month. This is an endless cycle and no matter how much I try to break free from the cycle on this forum, of constantly repeating the same things over and over, to deaf ears, I just end up repeating some new statement, that is just as equally invisible.

 

I'm not telling him simply because I never plan on doing so, I'm not telling him because I'm trying to find the right way to do so. The suggestions here range from being harsh, to getting revenge with his own medicine. That is NOT how I want to do it. I want to do it in a way that lets him know I don't want it to be taken that far, without making him feel like I'm being jealous or controlling of his behavior, without making him feel like I'm judging every move of his eye or word out of his mouth. I do not want to jeopardize the level of openness, by coming off to harshly, which could very easily happen.

 

Please don't nitpick at me with technicalities. I didn't say that YOU shouted "abuse", I was stating that that is the theme of this thread, that is the direction it is going, in, people suggesting that I am being abused, and it all snowballs into this big frustrating problem where everyone thinks I'm abused with low standards, that my boyfriend is a douche, that I never say anything positive about him, so I countered saying that I am tired of this cycle, that I am tired of constantly repeating myself stating the positives, when it gets ignored time and time again.

 

No one cares about his positives. That is clear as day. All anyone cares about is that there are negatives, and that this must mean it is crucial that I leave.

 

None of this is new. This is all stuff that has been stated before.

[acapelo_dp]

Why do you post a negative thread and then absolutely defend him in every way when people give you a solution i.e. either move on or communicate that you won't put up with that behavior ever again? You need to realize that you are not being treated right. I don't believe it's abuse, but he is definitely disrespecting you and doesn't seem to treat you like the most beautiful, awesome woman in the world like you say..

[Priv]

I am happy to finally have met a man like you in my life. Someone who treats me so well compared to my horrid exes who made me feel awful and insecure. This makes me happy. So happy in fact that I would like that special thing we have to not be shared with other men and women.

 

If you could kindly refrain from suggesting other women to yourself or to me publicly it would be very much appreciated .Mentioning other women does no justice to the special thing the two of us have.I would like to be the only woman in your life, as you are the only man in my life.

[acapelo_dp]

Once again, I must reiterate, that I am not speaking about YOU directly, that I am stating a common theme of his thread that I am not pleased with.

 

Others, towards the start of the thread, suggested that I get revenge, or gave examples of conversations with him that were too harsh.

 

 

Why am I constantly stating the same things over and over and over, from thread to thread, month to month. This is an endless cycle and no matter how much I try to break free from the cycle on this forum, of constantly repeating the same things over and over, to deaf ears, I just end up repeating some new statement, that is just as equally invisible.

 

Because you aren't taking any advice that is offered in this thread, I noticed. The simple solution to this problem is to straight up tell him that it went too far and you will not tolerate that type of behavior again because it makes you upset. But even that is too much for you you say, because he might get cranky as you stated. Let him get cranky. Speak your mind when you are in a relationship or you will never be completely happy in one. Calmly and rationally, of course.

[Priv]

Dear Mr Phoe,

 

 

I am happy to finally have met a man like you in my life. Someone who treats me so well compared to my horrid exes who made me feel awful and insecure. This makes mehappy. So happy in fact that I would like that special thing we have to not beshared with other men and women. If you could kindly refrain from suggesting other women to yourself or to me publicly it would be very much appreciated .Mentioning other women does no justice to the special thing the two of us have.I would like to be the only woman in your life, as you are the only man in my life.

 

 

Miss Phoe

 

 

FIXED

[somedude81]

Phoe, just tell him how you feel so you can move beyond this.

 

If he loves you as much as you say, he won't have any problem at all with any of it.

[Robert]

**** MODERATORS NOTE****

 

Let's not take this thread down the road of past threads please, if you cannot say something nice and helpful then hold your thought and move on till you can find a thread where you don't feel the need to take a poke at the thread starter, thanks

[ComingInHot]

Sincerely Phoe, I am telling you right now that any behavior that encourages your own self doubt needs to stop. It does not matter the source.

Please tell him that is enough and tell him why ( use small words ).

 

Now the not so sincere : If it continues, say something a bit 'off color' like, "What is it with you baby?! are you itching for a 3some or something?" If his answer is a maybe or a yes then tell him simply, "great idea babe, I had no idea, let me see who I'd like for that..." then start naming off men you know that are unarguably hot.

 

Bet that shuts him up (it did my almost not H). If not well, you learned something new.....

[Phoe]

Why do you post a negative thread and then absolutely defend him in every way when people give you a solution i.e. either move on or communicate that you won't put up with that behavior ever again? You need to realize that you are not being treated right. I don't believe it's abuse, but he is definitely disrespecting you and doesn't seem to treat you like the most beautiful, awesome woman in the world like you say..

 

I am trying to shut down the extreme replies. There's no need for them here. I end up very overwhelmed trying to combat the extreme replies here, and they keep getting worse. That's why I defend.

 

I came here with a negative thread, NOT to get extreme replies and end up blue in the face defending against them, but to get rational suggestions on how to bring this up with him rationally, and yes I got some good answers and those will be used when finding my own way of discussing this. Sadly, the rational posts and my attempt at defending the positives just gets steamrolled by the extreme replies here. I want the extremes gone.

[Phoe]

Because you aren't taking any advice that is offered in this thread, I noticed. The simple solution to this problem is to straight up tell him that it went too far and you will not tolerate that type of behavior again because it makes you upset. But even that is too much for you you say, because he might get cranky as you stated. Let him get cranky. Speak your mind when you are in a relationship or you will never be completely happy in one. Calmly and rationally, of course.

 

I am happily taking the advice of those who offered rational explanations of how to talk with him. All those suggestions are currently swimming through my head as I create my own version.

 

Straight up coming out and saying I will NOT tolerate it, as I've stated many times before, is not what I want to do. Not only will that likely cause an argument, but it will make him shut down and not be comfortable with being open with me.

[Phoe]

Now the not so sincere : If it continues, say something a bit 'off color' like, "What is it with you baby?! are you itching for a 3some or something?" If his answer is a maybe or a yes then tell him simply, "great idea babe, I had no idea, let me see who I'd like for that..." then start naming off men you know that are unarguably hot.

 

I said on the first page of the thread, that this is NOT about him wanting a threesome. He has never had interest in a threesome, and knows well I would never do that.

 

What he HAS tried to do, was get me to hook up with another man, like a cuckolding situation. If I even remotely suggested an MMF threesome, it would bring him right back to his old fantasy of me with someone else, which I worked very hard in telling him would be unacceptable, and made clear that if it was ever brought up again, I'd be gone.

[xxoo]

"I don't enjoy conversations about ____________. Please keep that part to yourself." Hug and kiss. Done!

 

Can you see that your over-concern about his openness is restricting your openness? The balance is way off.

[ComingInHot]

I said on the first page of the thread, that this is NOT about him wanting a threesome. He has never had interest in a threesome, and knows well I would never do that.

 

What he HAS tried to do, was get me to hook up with another man, like a cuckolding situation. If I even remotely suggested an MMF threesome, it would bring him right back to his old fantasy of me with someone else, which I worked very hard in telling him would be unacceptable, and made clear that if it was ever brought up again, I'd be gone.

 

Phoe, that 2nd part was supposed to be complete sarcasm hon* I would never say that seriously, I promise!

 

It is my opinion that you kind of know what you need to say, you are just struggling with the how, right?

Well you are amazingly articulate here on LS, so I have no doubt you will express to him in a way that will be both respectful and gentle.

Just don't make it too soft that he doesn't 'get it'.

[Phoe]

It is my opinion that you kind of know what you need to say, you are just struggling with the how, right?

Well you are amazingly articulate here on LS, so I have no doubt you will express to him in a way that will be both respectful and gentle.

Just don't make it too soft that he doesn't 'get it'.

 

Yes exactly!

 

I've found over time that he really doesn't respond well to harsh, direct, "lay down the law" admonishments. People say that he will respect me if I do that, but I've come to learn that is not how he operates. Strict admonishments rile him up, make him question me, and turn him off. When I come to him with kind and thought out suggestions that show him I am reasonable and understanding and not trying to control him, he responds well, respects me for being honest yet kind, and it overall resolves the situation.

 

I think I did get enough suggestions on how to word this with him. Thank you everyone.