Advice needed for someone passing through

[jd_starcat]

Uhh... hi.. I'm just passing through, and thought I'd see about getting some advice. I should probably give you a bit of background info, to help with opinions and advice giving.

 

I'm currently very happily married, but like all couples, my husband and I have our ups and downs. I'm on the opinion that a couple that doesn't have arguments now and then isn't healthy. No two people ever agree on anything. My husband and I met online about 3 years ago, and were very close internet (and phone) friends for quite a while.

 

We both developed feelings for each other, but were too shy to say anything. When he finally admited that he was in love with me, I was dating someone else and turned him down. Things went down hill for us after that, he became obsessed, I became freaked out, and we stopped talking. We both figured our friendship was done for, and didn't speak to each other for several months. We eventually started talking again, and became just as close, if not closer than we had been before.

 

Eventually we met in person and it was wonderful. It was like we had known each other forever. We hung out with my friends, went places together, talked, just did everything together. My family loved him, he liked them, it was great. A month later we got married. We rushed a bit, but everyone (encluding us) seems to think we made the right choice. All of our friends claim ours is one of the most beautiful relationships they've seen.

 

My husband is wonderful. He can be annoying sometimes, but for the most part he everything I could ever hope for (needs to learn to be a bit more romantic though -_-). I have a daughter from a previous relationship, and hes pretty much accepted her as his own, he doesn't think of her as a stepdaughter, shes his as far as we're concerned. He loves both of us more than anything, and I'm so lucky to have found someone like him.

 

However... theres a small problem thats been bothering me. I don't think I trust him as much as I should or would like to. I love him so much, but I get so paranoid sometimes. In my heart I know that he would never do anything to hurt me, and hes never done anything to give me a reason not to trust him. So I can't figure out what the problem is.

 

I've been through a LOT of bad relationships in the past, and have been lied to, cheated on, tossed aside, and hurt very badly many times. My daughters biological father claimed that I was the only one for him, everything he had had hoped for, he wanted to marry me, everything was perfect. Then one day he just decides he doesn't want me anymore, and he left me for my younger cousin. I found out I was pregnant about a month later. So its hard for me to fully trust anyone really.

 

But I want to trust my husband. He trusts me, so why can't I do the same for him? We're both avid computer nerds, and spend a lot of time online, in forums and chatting with people over IM. We have all the same online friends, and most of the same offline friends. So I know all the people he talks to online, but I still get paranoid and sometimes have the urge to go through his chat logs and stuff, to see what hes talking to people about.

 

I also have a big problem with jealousy, and hold grudges against almost everyone hes had any kind of relationship with in the past. I know it makes me a hypocrite to be that way. Especially considering I've had real life relationships in the past, and hes ONLY had online ones. He was never with anyone before me. I was his first kiss, first real girlfriend, first sexual encounter. So why do I keep feeling so paranoid that hes flirting with other people or something? I know hes not cheating, that doesn't worry me.. but I get so worried that he might be sending love letters over the internet or soemthing like that.

 

Deep down I know I'm being silly and he would never EVER betray me like that. But theres still that part of me that worries sometimes. I guess it comes from being hurt so many times before and having my trust broken by other people. Can anyone offer any advice on what I should do? I love him so very much, and I'm so happy with him, but I want to be able to trust him more, and not be totally paranoid that hes doing anything behind my back. Help, please.

[jmargel]

I've been through a LOT of bad relationships in the past, and have been lied to, cheated on, tossed aside, and hurt very badly many times. My daughters biological father claimed that I was the only one for him, everything he had had hoped for, he wanted to marry me, everything was perfect. Then one day he just decides he doesn't want me anymore, and he left me for my younger cousin. I found out I was pregnant about a month later. So its hard for me to fully trust anyone really.

 

That's the reason why. But you have to understand your husband and your ex are NOT the same person. Your husband probably despises the way your ex treated you. This is an insecurity you need to deal with, something individual therapy would help.

 

In the mean time when you get that ugly feeling that you don't trust your husband or he is upto something, do the following. It'll take between 5 and 10 minutes.

 

Go into a quite room, sit in a comfortable chair and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths. Then pick out a time you hold memorable with your husband. A time that made you really happy. Relive that moment, think about it in great detail. Do this between 5 to 10 minutes. When you are done, slowly open your eyes take a few more breathes then wake up. By then that awful feeling should start to pass. If it doesn't go back to step 1 again.

 

In the mean time see if you can find a couselor. Apparently what your ex did to you is having an impact on your life and your marriage with your husband.

[oldfashion]

Originally posted by jmargel

 

 

Go into a quite room, sit in a comfortable chair and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths. Then pick out a time you hold memorable with your husband. A time that made you really happy. Relive that moment, think about it in great detail. Do this between 5 to 10 minutes. When you are done, slowly open your eyes take a few more breathes then wake up. By then that awful feeling should start to pass. If it doesn't go back to step 1 again.

 

.

 

That really helped me alot. I have the same problem with you. I have been trying my very best to get over it and it seems like working for me. Wishing you the best.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

On one hand you can blame your lack of trust on your past. On the other hand you could trust your gut feeling.

 

I'm not one to give advice as I'm the least trustworthy person I know (working on this!).

 

However, I for one believe the internet and chatting is very addictive and destructive and yes, people make genuine friends to keep in touch with, but it's nice to get off the internet and live in the real world especially after you've met someone.

 

Your internet friends will not disappear off the planet if you can agree to turn the computer off for a period of time (ie. one month) and do more things together or get together IN REAL LIFE with friends.

[jd_starcat]

Originally posted by mom-wife-cheater

However, I for one believe the internet and chatting is very addictive and destructive and yes, people make genuine friends to keep in touch with, but it's nice to get off the internet and live in the real world especially after you've met someone.

 

The internet does seem to play a huge part in both of our lives. We're both very avid online roleplayers, we even own a semi-popular RPG message board. My husbands biggest hobby is coding html/php/things like that, so he gets alot of enjoyment out of sitting at the computer, typing up or modifying codes.

 

We can't seem to find a lot to talk about away from the computer.. and when we try, our conversations usually go back to the computer and center around what kinds of codes hes working on, or what plans are being made for up coming RPGs.

 

I think if we could get out of the house more often and do stuff together it'd be better. We're both VERY anti-social, and I don't even leave the house durring the day, unless its to go grocery shopping, or on the rare occasions when we actually get to go out somewhere. My husband is in the military, and we live in military housing, so theres aways groups for families and stuff around here, but I just can't go to them. I'm terrified of meeting people irl. I guess I'm afraid of having to "act my age". I'm currently 23 years old, and all I really want to do is play video games, write/read fanfiction, roleplay online, and do other things most teenagers do.

 

Its not that I can't act my age, its just NOT who I am, so I hate having to put on that fake front when I'm out and around other people. My husband is 3 years younger than me and hes the same way, except he doesn't put on a front for people. He doesn't give a rats ass what people think of him, and he'll just be as random and crazy out and about as he is at home. Hes the guy sitting in traffic, sticking his nose against the window and making weird faces at the passangers in the other cars. Thats the kind of person he is.

 

We have a LOT of fun together when we are out, and he can be away from work for a while. Thats another big problem right there. The first time we met, he came to Missouri from Texas to visit me, and he was so happy and carefree, it was wonderful. But now that we're here, hes not himself anymore, and I think its because hes under a lot of stress from work. Even when we go out, like to dinner or to go bowling or something, hes still not as hyper and random as he should be, and he says its because deep down he knows it won't last, that the next day he'll just have to go back to work.

 

We celebrated our one year anniversary last month, and we were able to find a baby sitter (another thing we have a problem doing) and go out. We dressed up nice and went to the mall and just hung out there for a bit. Then we went to dinner and a nice little restraunt. It was so great being able to get out and forget about work and being parents for just a few hours. I wish we could do that more often.

 

Rushing into marriage as quickly as we did, we never had a chance to date. We never "went out" there was no real engagment anywhere. As soon as I had gotten out of the last relationship I was in, we were just like "lets get married" and we did. And now its catching up to us. I have no doubts about our relationship, and we, and everyone around us, believes we're meant to last. That this is what is meant to be. Me and him together forever. But we just need to go on the dates we missed out on by rushing things. We need to get out and have lives. But its so hard to do that.. work keeps him so very busy, and we can't seem to find a babysitter most of the time.

 

I really dunno what else to say. I feel silly ranting about all these "huge" problems I think I have. I just want to spend more time with my husband. I want our friendship back. It seems like when we got married we stopped being best friends and just started being husband and wife. And I'd like us to be both. I miss my best friend, and I'd like to have him back. I'd like him to be able to get away for a while so he can be his hyper, randomly insane self again. Thats what I fell in love with in the first place.

[RecordProducer]

I can offer you a great advice! Given that I am exactly like you, I think I am the right person to say this to you.

I am jealous like hell.

But I simply made a decision to trust my boyfriend. I decided to trust him unless he gives me a reason to stop trusting him. It makes my life so much easier.

You're afraid that you will be hurt, but you're hurting yourself like this.

Feel free to check him here and there. You will find evidence that you're right to trust him. He won't mind it if it's playful. If you call him on the phone to say 'hi' when you get suspicious or you take a quick look at his IM's, he will be flattered and happy to have the opportunity to show his fidelity. Of course don't go too far, like search his cell phone or question his friends and family, etc.

When people don't trust you, it hurts. So don't hurt him for no reason. If you trust him, he might hurt you some day. But if you don't trust him, you will hurt both of you all the time.

He trusts you; therefore, be so kind and trust him too!

[RecordProducer]

Sorry, I didn't see that you had another post.

You are so young, you're almost a child. And he is not almost a child. He IS a child. And the two of you have a child and no parents around you to help. It's hard to be completely carefree in a situation like that. You miss dating, hanging out and stuff like that. But that life was not real we had before we got married. It was an introduction to the real life. For some reason we rush into marriages and babies just to find out that we should have prolonged our girl's days. Women whose daughters are not married say "the real happiness for a woman is to have a family" and the married women envy those who are free and pursue careers.

So where is the real happiness? Nowhere, really. Most of the days of our lives are meant to be boring and annoying (unless you're a Hollywood star - in that case you will have scandals every day and be very unhappy most of the time). We need to learn to live for today. Cooking, going to work, feeding and bathing our children, and all the things that don't really excite us are just a part of our lives. It has nothing to do with love.

You cut the joyful dating phase with your husband, but you would get into this stage of life sooner or later anyway. Most of the people live like that. The only thing you can do is try and improve your life. Sometimes it's a hobby you may love. Or you might join some group like women's center or anything humane and creative that will make your life more valuable.

Your child will grow up sooner than you think and you will have more time for yourself. You can go out with your daughter too. And I agree with you that you should get off the net occasionally.

If I were you I wouldn't hurry to have another child because of many reasons. But one of them is - when your daughter is older, she will help you around the second baby and baby-sit.

[moimeme]

We can't seem to find a lot to talk about away from the computer.. and when we try, our conversations usually go back to the computer and center around what kinds of codes hes working on, or what plans are being made for up coming RPGs.

 

Why did you marry the guy?

[jd_starcat]

Originally posted by moimeme

Why did you marry the guy?

 

Sorry... I haven't been back here in a while, so I never noticed any other posts after my last one. I married him because he was me best friend and I love him with all my heart. Things were different before we got married, and even for a while after we first got married. He went to greath lenths to be with me, practically worshiped the ground I walked on, couldn't imagine living without me. It was almost perfect. I guess it had to end at some point.

 

I remember being so happy with him and being able to talk about everything. We really were the best of friends. We could tell each other anything, we never fought. We had so much in common. Of course most of this was done online or over the phone. The only time we spent together for real before we got married was about 2 weeks the month before the wedding. And at that time he was on leave from work, and my mom had my daughter, so we were free to hang out and do as we pleased. Now he works all the time and I'm taking care of a kid.

 

It could be worse I guess. I'd feel better if he just took the time to be more playful with me. We recently had a couple internet friends come stay a week with us, and he was really playful with one of them. They chased each other around and had tickle fights and pillow fights. I'd like him to be that way with me. Just stop and have fun with me once in a while. I dunno how often I'll check this place... but I just wanted to post that reply.