Pregnant Stepdaughter

[SpiralOut]

Yes, it could be a means of survival for the baby - or filling a gap. And a blessing for the grandparents as well.

 

When I first held my grandson, I was a goner He is 13 now, and always has been a blessing to us.

 

Perhaps the situation will take care of itself, and the stepdaughter will eventually get rid of him. Or maybe she just wants him there through the birth of the baby. etc

 

It just seems if OP cannot convince his wife, then he's lost for now. Or must wait.

 

I can't see it as a blessing for the grandparents, maybe because my own parents complained about parenthood often enough that I would feel terribly guilty about asking them to help raise a kid again. I can see how a different person might enjoy the chance to see their grandkids often and help bring them up right.

 

 

This guy is young, he might smarten up, or I hope so.

Edited October 18, 2014 by SpiralOut

[UpwardForward]

I can't see it as a blessing for the grandparents, maybe because my own parents complained about parenthood often enough that I would feel terribly guilty about asking them to help raise a kid again. I can see how a different person might enjoy the chance to see their grandkids often and help bring them up right.

 

 

This guy is young, he might smarten up, or I hope so.

 

My parents were similar. Very enterprising. My middle name should have been 'toleration'.

 

I was the opposite with my children. I Wanted them. And tried for a few years to get pregnant. Thereafter nurtured and protective of them.

 

We all love my grandson. Incl his uncle (my son's brother) has been absolutely wonderful with him.

[teap0t]

I think you should tell them both to move out. They are having a baby and need to make a home for it. If you're really okay with taking on a whole family, then tell her they need to pay half of everything. After all there will be 3 of them. And be clear that they are only renting. Give them a set time to have their own place by.

 

if you don't do something, you will end up doing this ie looking after all of them.

 

It's gone on too long already IMO. I think you should have a word with your daughter first and see if she can sort it out with her bf as a couple.

[Father'sGentleFlower]

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. If I was living at home without going to school, I would be expected help pay rent, food, etc. I would rather live on my own, but if I had no other choice then I would understand. Ask them both at the same time, sit them down.

[UpwardForward]

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. If I was living at home without going to school' date=' I would be expected help pay rent, food, etc. I would rather live on my own, but if I had no other choice then I would understand. Ask them both at the same time, sit them down.[/quote']

 

How is an 8 month pregnant going to have earning power to pay rent? And why would anyone want her working?? She's unemployable for months.

 

Imo, this should be about the pacifier/parasite, that step daughter brought home with her. And obviously OP doesn't know how long boy friend is going to stay.

 

Plus OP's wife isn't of the same accord he is.

Edited October 18, 2014 by UpwardForward

[Father'sGentleFlower]

How is an 8 month pregnant going to have earning power to pay rent? And why would anyone want her working?? She's unemployable for months.

 

Imo, this should be about the pacifier/parasite, that step daughter brought home with her. And obviously OP doesn't know how long boy friend is going to stay.

 

Plus OP's wife isn't of the same accord he is.

 

I missed the mention of her being 8 months pregnant, but what I said is that she should sit with both of them and have a discussion with BOTH of them. If she does not know what they plan to do, it's time for the stepdaughter and boyfriend to make up their minds pretty soon. If they don't plan to move out or pay rent at least after the baby comes then well, I believe an ultimatum is in order.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

She is old enough to get knocked up, then she is old enough to pay her own way in life. If she does not, then she should consider adoption.

[Tayla]

How is an 8 month pregnant going to have earning power to pay rent? And why would anyone want her working?? She's unemployable for months.

 

Imo, this should be about the pacifier/parasite, that step daughter brought home with her. And obviously OP doesn't know how long boy friend is going to stay.

 

Plus OP's wife isn't of the same accord he is.

 

WOW! The step-daughter is unemployable?? really...You are going to say that in this day and age? I went back to work two weeks after each of my children, its called providing! Have yet to have an employer deny a person after or during pregnancy. Its discrimination. So lets agree that both ADULTS who are mooching off the good-hearted parents need to step up and be accountable. This Step Dad is keeping blinders on ....So since its his house, its his choice who can reside there and what rules to establish, as double standard as they are...its his to do.

[UpwardForward]

WOW! The step-daughter is unemployable?? really...You are going to say that in this day and age? I went back to work two weeks after each of my children, its called providing! Have yet to have an employer deny a person after or during pregnancy. Its discrimination. So lets agree that both ADULTS who are mooching off the good-hearted parents need to step up and be accountable. This Step Dad is keeping blinders on ....So since its his house, its his choice who can reside there and what rules to establish, as double standard as they are...its his to do.

 

Hat's off to you for returning to a job two weeks after birth. I thought employers permitted 6 weeks time off following birth.

 

I would not be pushing my daughter to a job two weeks after birth.

 

Obviously step father doesn't have blinders on or he wouldn't have posted his concerns here.

 

I'm in agreement with you that boyfriend has out stayed his welcome. And after pulling this, I wouldn't want him around regardless.

 

Stepfather has said his wife isn't in agreement with him.

 

Also, I'm not certain it is stepfather's house. Regardless, he shouldn't have to support the boyfriend at all, imo.

[pink_sugar]

Hat's off to you for returning to a job two weeks after birth. I thought employers permitted 6 weeks time off following birth.

 

I would not be pushing my daughter to a job two weeks after birth.

 

Obviously step father doesn't have blinders on or he wouldn't have posted his concerns here.

 

I'm in agreement with you that boyfriend has out stayed his welcome. And after pulling this, I wouldn't want him around regardless.

 

Stepfather has said his wife isn't in agreement with him.

 

Also, I'm not certain it is stepfather's house. Regardless, he shouldn't have to support the boyfriend at all, imo.

 

I agree, it would be difficult for her to find a job at this point considering how close she is to giving birth. An employer is going to wonder about your ability to commit to a job if you're going to be taking quite a bit of leave soon. And also there's childcare thereafter. But an employer cannot ask many questions due to discrimination laws. Now after she has the baby, that's something else entirely.

[Tayla]

Hat's off to you for returning to a job two weeks after birth. I thought employers permitted 6 weeks time off following birth.

 

I would not be pushing my daughter to a job two weeks after birth.

 

Obviously step father doesn't have blinders on or he wouldn't have posted his concerns here.

 

I'm in agreement with you that boyfriend has out stayed his welcome. And after pulling this, I wouldn't want him around regardless.

 

Stepfather has said his wife isn't in agreement with him.

 

Also, I'm not certain it is stepfather's house. Regardless, he shouldn't have to support the boyfriend at all, imo.

 

Yes the law allows six weeks. Does NOT say its with pay. Yes the law says that a person can work up and until the day of birth and come back with the doctors consent. I consider the comment that the Step daughter is UNEMPLOYABLE to be discriminating and false. Reality for some single mothers is to remain employed so they do not lose insurance or their funds to provide.

 

And yes Step Father does have blinders on as he favors and justifies the step daughters use of the household at no charge. Again its his household, yet the facts remains. Both Young Adults are not pulling their weight and have little initiative to prepare. So regardless, the step parent and the mom should have the open discussion so BOTH the young adults are on board with providing.

[SpiralOut]

The step-daughter may not be unemployable, but employers can make up any reason they want for not hiring her. Though in her case it may not be just the pregnancy that turns them off but also her attitude. Sorry but it says something that she didn't have a job in her early stages of pregnancy. Is she not worried at all about how she will provide for the baby? It sure doesn't sound like it.

 

 

I still think the main problem is the OP's wife not wanting to do anything. He should talk to her again using the angle of "it'll be better for your daughter in the long run."

Edited October 21, 2014 by SpiralOut

[CC12]

I tried to have a serious discussion and I did ask those same questions, including that she consider her "options". However, I've been kicking myself ever since for even suggesting. It just seemed wrong. But I did react negatively initially, and came off as unsupportive. I asked what her plans were and how the boyfriend was going to financially support her and her baby, but they are clueless and of course have no concrete plans. She is now in her 8th month so I cannot do as you all have suggested retroactively. I can tell you that suggesting he contribute or move out might blow up in my face in our home.

 

Why is your wife okay with letting them freeload off the both of you, with them having no plans for their future? It would be one thing if this was a temporary situation because they're saving money until the baby comes or something, but it's completely unacceptable to let two grown adults with a baby on the way to just coast with no plans to support themselves in the future. I think one of your jobs as a parent is to encourage your children to be independent. You guys aren't doing that. It's not helping them.

 

You've got to get your wife on your side. Does she not listen to you when you tell her your feelings? Are you not very good at expressing yourself? Because I can't imagine someone finding you unreasonable for expecting your grown children to support themselves or have concrete plans for the future, or wanting her and the boyfriend to stop bumming and start contributing in ANY way.

 

Be prepared to bargain. You might not be able to convince anyone that he should pay their share of the rent or utilities, but asking them to preform daily chores at the very least is in no way unreasonable. Or how would your wife feel about asking them for a small amount of rent, and if you honestly don't need the money, you two can secretly plan to give it back to them after they move out.

 

Also tell your wife that it makes you anxious that you don't know of a single plan of theirs once the baby comes, and that you'd really like to sit down as a family and find out what they're going to do. At this family meeting, just listen. Don't make suggestions unless they ask for them. If you disapprove of their plans, you and your wife can talk about it later.

 

Start appearing more supportive and excited for the arrival of the baby. No offense, but if you've been a dick about the whole baby thing or boyfriend thing, then it's no wonder nobody wants to discuss this with you.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

WOW! The step-daughter is unemployable?? really...You are going to say that in this day and age? I went back to work two weeks after each of my children, its called providing! Have yet to have an employer deny a person after or during pregnancy. Its discrimination. So lets agree that both ADULTS who are mooching off the good-hearted parents need to step up and be accountable. This Step Dad is keeping blinders on ....So since its his house, its his choice who can reside there and what rules to establish, as double standard as they are...its his to do.

 

She can also get a job working from home. There are a lot of companies who hire customer service agents who work from home.

 

amazon.com, sutherland, Sitel, Teletech...etc.

 

Work From Home - Work at Home Jobs, Recipes & Articles For Moms - WAHM.com

http://www.workplacelikehome.com

 

And just to say these websites are not scams. They are legitimate forums where people discuss working from home and help with leads for jobs.

 

I personally have worked for amazon.com, West work at home, Sitel, and now I am working for Sutherland. The pay is not high, but it is a job. Amazon is the best.

 

American Express and Uber also hire customer service workers who work from home.

[pink_sugar]

Why is your wife okay with letting them freeload off the both of you, with them having no plans for their future? It would be one thing if this was a temporary situation because they're saving money until the baby comes or something, but it's completely unacceptable to let two grown adults with a baby on the way to just coast with no plans to support themselves in the future. I think one of your jobs as a parent is to encourage your children to be independent. You guys aren't doing that. It's not helping them.

 

You've got to get your wife on your side. Does she not listen to you when you tell her your feelings? Are you not very good at expressing yourself? Because I can't imagine someone finding you unreasonable for expecting your grown children to support themselves or have concrete plans for the future, or wanting her and the boyfriend to stop bumming and start contributing in ANY way.

 

Be prepared to bargain. You might not be able to convince anyone that he should pay their share of the rent or utilities, but asking them to preform daily chores at the very least is in no way unreasonable. Or how would your wife feel about asking them for a small amount of rent, and if you honestly don't need the money, you two can secretly plan to give it back to them after they move out.

 

Also tell your wife that it makes you anxious that you don't know of a single plan of theirs once the baby comes, and that you'd really like to sit down as a family and find out what they're going to do. At this family meeting, just listen. Don't make suggestions unless they ask for them. If you disapprove of their plans, you and your wife can talk about it later.

 

Start appearing more supportive and excited for the arrival of the baby. No offense, but if you've been a dick about the whole baby thing or boyfriend thing, then it's no wonder nobody wants to discuss this with you.

 

I haven't seen anything inappropriate by the OP. The whole time, he's been very passive about the situation and I can understand why he's not overly fond of the boyfriend...with him just moving in, not contributing nor offering to contribute something. His step-daughter dropped out of college when finding out she was pregnant and hasn't been doing anything since. Sounds pretty lazy to me. I think the OP has a right to be pissed off, but he needs to stop being passive aggressive about it.

[CC12]

I haven't seen anything inappropriate by the OP.

 

He did say that he initially reacted negatively and also asked her to consider her "options."

 

Anyway, I didn't accuse him of any inappropriate behavior. I just asked if he had generally been a dick about this, because if so, it makes sense that he's not being included in any discussions. It's only natural that someone isn't going to be keen on discussing something with you if they know the conversation is going to be unpleasant.

[Ronni_W]

...and I can understand why he's not overly fond of the boyfriend...with him just moving in, not contributing nor offering to contribute something.

No, the b/f could not have done that all on his own. He would have been somehow "invited" and "approved as to his irresponsible behaviour" by either/and his girlfriend and her mother (JBird's step-daughter and live-in partner, respectively.)

 

JBird might have gotten a "bad rap" for introducing options other than the college-attending individuals just becoming parents at this time, and perhaps that is what is keeping him out of the loop of any ongoing discussions and decisions between the young adults and the other adult (mom) in the household. The young adults are not being perceived as "lazy" or "irresponsible" or anything else of the sort, by Mom. "Dad" is not being assertive in his (appropriate) assessment that young adults are heading down a disempowering path, encouraged and supported mom.

 

Dad, in fact, wants to refocus everyone's attention by proposing marriage to Mom at this point. BEYOND mere passive-aggressive.

 

It's not necessarily that Dad has been "a dick about this", internally or outwardly, but that the three others seem to have, for whatever reason, excluded him from discussions and decisions that also involve and impact him...short-term AND potentially long-term.

 

I think. Mom has openly or subtly conveyed to Dad that, if she has to choose, it will be the young adults and not Dad, her long-term partner. It's a problem of "family unit" on one hand but also viability of only the relationship of the "parent generation" in this particular household, on the other...with Dad in a position of knowing that he will not, or not being able to see how he can, come out of it favourably.

 

JBird2001, I'm sorry if I've made a mess of interpretation.

Edited October 22, 2014 by Ronni_W

[UpwardForward]

He did say that he initially reacted negatively and also asked her to consider her "options."

 

Anyway, I didn't accuse him of any inappropriate behavior. I just asked if he had generally been a dick about this, because if so, it makes sense that he's not being included in any discussions. It's only natural that someone isn't going to be keen on discussing something with you if they know the conversation is going to be unpleasant.

 

Imo, the boyfriend (in particular) didn't need any excuse for being inconsiderate/irresponsible - and Sneaky. Otherwise, after flopping there - he would at least be contributing.

[CC12]

JBird2001, please feel free to jump in at any time and answer some questions you've been asked or correct some assertions.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

You should give them a time limit. Like if she can make adult decisions to get pregnant then she can take care of herself and baby. He should also help I would totally put them out after the bsby is born.. Like a few months after

[Radu]

How is an 8 month pregnant going to have earning power to pay rent? And why would anyone want her working?? She's unemployable for months.

 

Imo, this should be about the pacifier/parasite, that step daughter brought home with her. And obviously OP doesn't know how long boy friend is going to stay.

 

Plus OP's wife isn't of the same accord he is.

 

 

The more i think about it, the more i agree with this post.

 

OP, don't put the cart before the horses, work on your wife and try anything to get her on your side.