Cousin's wife is insecure and sneaky

[applej4]

BACKGROUND: I have a male cousin “J” who is married to “B”. We grew up in the same small town, have drifted apart, but generally speaking have had a decent relationship – even though communication is sporadic. J and I talked several times last summer because there was a death in the family. Since then, I haven’t heard from him. I met his wife B 20 yrs ago when they got married, but we aren’t close either. I’ve picked up Prima-donna/Controlling jealous wife vibes. She is not exactly Ms. Personality; i.e., the times I’ve been around her she sits, stares at people, and doesn’t say anything unless someone says something to her or asks her something. Her answers are brief, and I can count on half of one hand the times I’ve seen her smile. Her husband/my cousin J is the opposite – always “on”, smiling, joking, very witty and personable. (end BG)

WHAT HAPPENED RECENTLY: A couple of months ago my cell phone showed a “missed call” from J’s home number. There was no vm msg, so I just shrugged it off. But the other night my cell ph rang and the caller ID showed the call was from my cousin J’s home phone #. When I said “hello” cousin’s wife immediately sounded annoyed/angry and said “I’m calling because you’ve called this number several times and hung up, and I want to know why you keep doing that.” I said “Who IS this?” She said “this is the X residence and this is B, J’s wife.” I said “Well, B, this is J’s cousin (my name). I don’t know what you’re talking about. Please calm down. I have not dialed your number since last summer when J and I discussed the death of (relative). I don’t make hang-up calls and no one uses this cell phone except me.” She said “Oh. Well, I wasn’t being accusatory. I was just seeing if there was something I needed to follow up on.” I asked if her caller ID was indicating recent calls from my number. She said “No, not recent. It’s just that some people call and hang up if they don’t get the person and I was just checking things out.” I said “Well, it wasn’t me.” (awkward silence) “Have a nice evening. Goodbye.”

To me, it sounded like she was checking up on him and she had a pre-planned excuse for calling.I was going to email my cousin J and tell him about his wife’s strange phone call, but my better judgment told me to leave it alone. (I am SO glad I didn’t email my cousin.) Anyway, as I got back to my dinner I swear I heard music from "The Twilight Zone" playing somewhere. Also, I recall many years ago when cousin J attended a family gathering and stayed quite awhile . . .laughing, having a good time. Later I heard from another relative that B had been calling trying to get a phone number (where the gathering was held) to check to see if he’d left yet.Concerning the recent call, I found it odd that once she realized who she was talking to B didn’t say “Oh, (my name) – gosh, I’m sorry. My mistake. Don’t worry about it; how ya doin’? “ OTOH, we don’t have a warm, chatty relationship and she now realizes she messed up. I doubt that she said anything to J about it, and she’s hoping that I don’t. But I feel she was rude/out of line.

Edited October 16, 2014 by applej4

[Tayla]

Sounds like she is what we call , a Private person. Its part of her maintaining the public image. Leave her to her way. Sounds like she was inquisitive and in the future it could be a way to strike up a conversation. Unless you still carry the opinion from 20 years ago.?

She probably feels a bit embarrassed after the phone call incident. You used positive judgment in letting it go...so let it go.

 

Just be open to the fact that people do change after 20 years and we need to be ready for those opportunities to give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

People make social blunders ....so take it with a chin up attitude. Best to you.

[whichwayisup]

You don't know her, or him that well in the past 20 years so it's easy to sit and judge her behaviour without knowing what their life is like behind closed doors. You aren't part of their daily life either. Don't try to figure it out, you'll never know. I mean, maybe he is abusive to her, a total ass.hole, makes her feel insecure, maybe he's having an affair. Or maybe they are happily in love but don't show the world. Opposites attract. Just because she's serious and he's all smiley, doesn't mean misery in a marriage.

[CC12]

You never know what really goes on in the privacy of a relationship. Maybe she has good reasons to be insecure and sneaky?

 

What she did might have been rude or out of line, but you have to remember that she didn't know she was calling you. She didn't mean to be rude to you. She probably thought she was about to confront some floozy who's been messing around with her husband, or something.

 

Concerning the recent call, I found it odd that once she realized who she was talking to B didn’t say “Oh, (my name) – gosh, I’m sorry. My mistake. Don’t worry about it; how ya doin’? “

 

To be fair, your response to her wasn't great. You knew who was calling you. You could have responded in the same vein that you're suggesting she should have - "Oh, is this B? That's weird, I haven't dialed your number for weeks. Did you see a recent call from me?" Instead, you kind of got defensive with, "Who IS this?" and "I don’t know what you’re talking about. Please calm down."

 

Anyway, it was a weird phone call, and basically equivalent to a wrong number. You were right to let it go and not say anything. There's nothing really to tell anyhow.

[applej4]

Civility and basic telephone etiquette = identifying yourself when you call someone and they answer. Even saying ‘hello’ is nice.To rip into an accusation as soon as the person answers the phone is not okay. The would be like me answering the phone by greeting the caller with “What the eff do you want?”I’m not trying to “figure anything out”. This isn’t complicated, and her excuse for calling was lame.

But I didn’t take it further (i.e. let my cousin know about his wife calling) because 1) I’m sure after all those years he knows she checks up on him (probably with good reason) and 2) they would pacify each other by making ME the bad guy.So shame on me for interrupting my dinner to answer the phone.