I am questioning my relationship...and hiding my relationship status online :(

[cali4niagirl]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 2 years, living together for the past year. We have discussed marriage. Over the past few months, I feel like he's started to pull away. He was unemployed for a bit, but is back at work. I've just started a graduate program. When I first applied, he agreed to take over the household bills (minus rent) so I could go to part-time work and focus on the graduate program. He said he considered it "an investment in our future". Now that I'm in the program, he's seemed kind of withdrawn and grumpy. I have asked if taking on the bills is too much, but he keeps saying it's not. I also found out he may have lied about his financial situation. He told me he was hired on at one hourly rate, but I came across a pay stub he left out and it's a lower rate. I really don't care about the amount...it bothers me that he's lied and this could be affecting our life. I also found out that he's been chewing tobacco (something he swears he hasn't done in years). I just can't stand being lied to, but I don't know how to bring all this up!

 

Cut to a week or so ago. I play some online games that allow you to chat with opponents and I was playing with a man...we struck up a conversation that flowed well. We now chat a little bit each day while playing the game, and he's evidently trying to get to know me better and is flirting. I find myself flirting back a little and enjoying the attention. He hasn't asked about my relationship status, but it's obvious he thinks I'm single...and I haven't corrected that assumption. He hasn't pushed me to meet overtly, but alludes to 2 years from now when I finish my program. I have not agreed to meet him and pretty much avoid anything that sounds like I'm committing to do so. I also steer the conversation away from anything sexual. I know I should tell him about my relationship, but I do enjoy talking with him and don't want him to think I'm a bad person. But, then I think "I don't really know this person, so why is it such a big deal?". If I tell him and it's cool, I have another friend. If he's bothered/offended, he's within his right to not speak to me anymore. I'm torn...I can't deny the connection, though it's understandably superficial at this time; but, I'm also unsure about my current relationship. I don't want to lead this guy on if I can improve my relationship, but a small part of me doesn't want to run him off in case things don't work out with my boyfriend.

 

Moreover, I think this situation is largely uncomfortable because it's forcing me to examine my current relationship more closely. I know I need to talk to my boyfriend, but I have no clue how to start! We haven't really had any major issues until about a month ago. It sounds odd, but we are usually on the same page, in general, and have been very open and communicative previously. I don't want him to think that I'm upset because he's not making as much money as he said. While he was unemployed, he would twist things I said into my looking down on him because he didn't have a job. I knew why and supported his reason for leaving his previous position; and, I also understood his increased stress level when he didn't find something as quickly as he'd have liked. Even at the reduced pay rate, he still makes a good living (equal to/slightly better than before) that enables him to fulfill his promise to help with school. I'm upset about the lying. He knows how I feel about dishonesty. I can't help but wonder if he's lying about anything else

[TigerLilly78]

Mind if I ask what game this is in genral? Only reason I ask is cause I also play on line games and know the nature of some when it comes to relationships some can be more damaging then others if that makes sense..that said the fact your enjoying the attention from this guy on line means somethings very wrong with your RL relashionship your at a point you need to make a decision if its worth it to try and communicate with your BF and see if these probs can be fixed it doesn't sound like its to late at this point but if you wait much longer it might be..

[ExpatInItaly]

Stop communicating with the man online and start communicating with the man in your bed. You already know there are cracks forming in the relationship. If you've been so communicative in the past, I don't see how you can suddenly have no idea how to talk to your boyfriend. I think it's more that you're afraid of his reaction and that he will manipulate what you're saying into some personal attack on him. I would wager you're also afraid that he perhaps isn't feeling the same way about you anymore, either.

 

I've been in a similar situation, only the other party wasn't someone I met online. I met him at work and when he went back to his home country, I continued chatting with him while my former relationship was falling apart. I finally realized I couldn't have my cake and eat it, too. The relationship was dying and neither one of us was making the effort to revive it. I was honestly more or less using the other guy as a distraction from my real life. In the end, I wound up single and neither of them is in my life now. I am much better for it, too.

 

Bottom line - you need to talk to your boyfriend. Tell him what you found. Explain your concerns about the relationship. If you feel you can't talk to him about it, the relationship is in more trouble than you though. But do not communicate with this man online in the meantime. You don't know him from Pete. I wish I had dealt with my own similar problems separately rather than allowing them to overlap.

[Dontfindme]

I'm upset about the lying. He knows how I feel about dishonesty. I can't help but wonder if he's lying about anything else

 

You mentioned your boyfriend's dishonesty. But I have to ask: aren't you essentially being dishonest too?

 

None of it seems right; not him, nor you.

[d0nnivain]

Listen to ExPatinItaly -- especially that 1st sentence.

 

You need to think long & hard about why you are giving the OL man the false impression.