My jealousy, her reaction. Need

[Thicke2013]

I can be a jealous person. I have come to terms with this. My fiance' works in an environment (sales in a male dominated industry) where she has to interact with many men at dinners, company functions etc. Sometimes it is very hard for me to handle and I'll also admit that I don't always handle it the best way. She has been very good previously about making me feel comfortable about it.

 

Now the story, last night she was at one of these dinners with about 17 customers and her coworkers (about half of which are female). She asked me to drop her off and pick her up which I gladly did. On the way home she tells me a story about how while playing a game she grabbed one of her coworkers by the arm to tell him something and he jokingly told her he would hog tie her. To which another coworker that we will call Jim said, "she isn't the kind of girl you hog tie, she is the kind of woman you let tie you up!" Supposedly she laughed it off. Now, for some background information, we have hung out with this guy before and his wife. Even went to their wedding just a couple of months ago. I think he is pretty harmless, but he is very flirty and has openly made sexual innuendos to her even in my presence. This morning I told her that I didn't appreciate his comment and even more-so, the accumulation of comments. She didn't receive this well and is now upset with me calling me controlling and jealous. I asked her how she would feel if one of my female coworkers made a comment about me tying them up? She claimed that because I know this guy and we have all hung out that it makes it different. I say, because we have all hung out and I have heard his flirting banter and sexual innuendos before, is what caused me discomfort. Advice please.

Edited October 16, 2014 by Thicke2013

[Ducky71]

She needs to validate your feelings.

 

Her understanding why you feel the way you do, doesn't enter into it.

 

If she can't or won't, maybe it's time to reconsider.

 

Doesn't sound so much about jealousy as it does something you're not comfortable with. You did the right thing by telling her how you felt, it's up to her to give you that validation.

 

IMHO- Innuendo at a 'business dinner' is pretty damn inappropriate, I'd have said something too.

[smackie9]

I have been working for my company for 24 years, and this type of this is common place around long time coworkers. We are all like family and this sort of thing is acceptable because we know each other well enough that it's not serious. If I told my husband what has all been said at my workplace or what him and his coworkers make comments about, we would both feel uncomfortable. I don't need to hear it because that is all it is is talk and he feels the same way. No one is out having sex with each other or groping, or meeting up, etc. It's all above board. You cannot control what is said. Since this was a social affair with alcohol being served you are going to get people feeling warm and fuzzy saying things like that. Life would truly be boring if we didn't let our hair down once in awhile.

 

Your wife like many others have bonded with her coworkers. She is comfortable enough to know these comments were meant to be funny, and not serious threats to your relationship. If you trust her, you will trust her enough to know if that does happen she will deal with it accordingly like an adult.

[Thicke2013]

She needs to validate your feelings.

 

Her understanding why you feel the way you do, doesn't enter into it.

 

If she can't or won't, maybe it's time to reconsider.

 

Doesn't sound so much about jealousy as it does something you're not comfortable with. You did the right thing by telling her how you felt, it's up to her to give you that validation.

 

IMHO- Innuendo at a 'business dinner' is pretty damn inappropriate, I'd have said something too.

 

It was a dinner but it included games and drinks at a grill and bar type set up. Not like a formal dinner.

 

I have been working for my company for 24 years, and this type of this is common place around long time coworkers. We are all like family and this sort of thing is acceptable because we know each other well enough that it's not serious. If I told my husband what has all been said at my workplace or what him and his coworkers make comments about, we would both feel uncomfortable. I don't need to hear it because that is all it is is talk and he feels the same way. No one is out having sex with each other or groping, or meeting up, etc. It's all above board. You cannot control what is said. Since this was a social affair with alcohol being served you are going to get people feeling warm and fuzzy saying things like that. Life would truly be boring if we didn't let our hair down once in awhile.

 

Your wife like many others have bonded with her coworkers. She is comfortable enough to know these comments were meant to be funny, and not serious threats to your relationship. If you trust her, you will trust her enough to know if that does happen she will deal with it accordingly like an adult.

 

She has bonded with them and they all have a great relationship and I myself have frequented outings with them and have a good relationship with them as well. This guy I like, but he is a red blooded man and I also think given half a shot, he'd take it. Also though, I wasn't telling her that I don't trust her, just that I didn't like the comment. Especially in the accumulation of the other comments. By saying that, was I telling her I don't trust her?

[smackie9]

By saying that, was I telling her I don't trust her?

 

Well her getting upset would be an indicator. Not about if she would cheat, but you challenging her judgment and her ability to handle the situation if someone did make advances. Remember women are the ones that make the decision on who gets to have sex with them, it doesn't matter if a coworker of friend or even a stranger wants to bang her, the reality is they can't because she will not allow it. So if you trust her enough you will let this sort of thing go.

[tom670]

I would be a little ticked off also and especially when he does it in front of you.

It's good that you brought it up and her reaction is somewhat troubling.

Now I suggest you don't bring it up again it makes you look whiny.

This guy could be trying to get in her pants don't know.

He seems a little too friendly imo.

[tom670]

Have you had any suspicions of those two like working late or too much texting guarding her phone ect...

[Thicke2013]

Have you had any suspicions of those two like working late or too much texting guarding her phone ect...

 

I have no worries about her cheating on me with him. She is friendly with him as am I. He is a nice guy. They are never alone really. She is open with her phone, I know her code and she knows mine. My issue really was that I didn't like the comment and when I brought it up to her and said that I didn't like it she got upset with me and called me insanely jealous. To be fair, I have had pretty strong reactions in the past in similar circumstances that could have skewed her response. I also know that if I had said that one of my female coworkers said the same she wouldn't have liked it.

[d0nnivain]

She can't control what comes out of somebody else's mouth.

 

It was a funny joking moment. She told you about it & didn't hide it from you but those comments mean NOTHING.

 

If you freak out about every dumb thing that some guy says to her you will end up putting yourself in a early grave.

 

As long as she knows where the boundaries are & it sounds like she does even if she's not making a a huge deal out of this & shrieking to HR, let it be.

 

What exactly did you want her to do? Slap the guys? Demand that they be fired? She'd never be able to work anywhere. She's right. Your inability to handle this is your problem, not hers. The best way for her to have handled these guys was to make a remark like "you wish" and change the subject.

[Thicke2013]

She can't control what comes out of somebody else's mouth.

 

It was a funny joking moment. She told you about it & didn't hide it from you but those comments mean NOTHING.

 

If you freak out about every dumb thing that some guy says to her you will end up putting yourself in a early grave.

 

As long as she knows where the boundaries are & it sounds like she does even if she's not making a a huge deal out of this & shrieking to HR, let it be.

 

What exactly did you want her to do? Slap the guys? Demand that they be fired? She'd never be able to work anywhere. She's right. Your inability to handle this is your problem, not hers. The best way for her to have handled these guys was to make a remark like "you wish" and change the subject.

 

I see your point. I guess if I ask myself, I didn't want her to do anything. She has proven to me in the past that if someone gets out of line that she has no problem either removing herself from the situation or putting her foot down. I just didn't see what I did and said as insanely jealous. It did perturb me that she started defending him saying he was just joking etc. I really didn't need to hear that.

[lolablue17]

You had something that bothered you. You chose to react as you did. It's not a matter of right or wrong, it's a matter of benefits. I think you have a lot to lose by continuing with that approach.

 

She voluntarily told you something that happen in her evening at work. She felt very comfortable to share it with you. By your reaction you just practically make her not sharing everything with you. you are directly damaging your relationship and pushing her away and causing her not to think you are her best friend as she thinks now.

 

If I were you, i'd come to her today and apologize and beg her to continue telling me everything as she did until now and promise to try to learn to behave.

[Spectre]

I have been working for my company for 24 years, and this type of this is common place around long time coworkers. We are all like family and this sort of thing is acceptable because we know each other well enough that it's not serious. If I told my husband what has all been said at my workplace or what him and his coworkers make comments about, we would both feel uncomfortable. I don't need to hear it because that is all it is is talk and he feels the same way. No one is out having sex with each other or groping, or meeting up, etc. It's all above board. You cannot control what is said. Since this was a social affair with alcohol being served you are going to get people feeling warm and fuzzy saying things like that. Life would truly be boring if we didn't let our hair down once in awhile.

 

Your wife like many others have bonded with her coworkers. She is comfortable enough to know these comments were meant to be funny, and not serious threats to your relationship. If you trust her, you will trust her enough to know if that does happen she will deal with it accordingly like an adult.

 

I'm sorry, but a true adult would not allow other men to be making sexual innuendo's to them in front of their boyfriend/husband/whatever. An isolated incident? Okay, can't control that, but more then that? Yeah, you put your foot down.

 

The post also seems to imply the guy has done it more then once. So..my question would be why the guys fiance doesn't tell the guy to knock it off. After all, if you are "family" you should be able to tell them to knock it off, right?

 

People are making this out to be a jealously thing, but a man who see's my girl often..making sexual innuendo's to her(and from the OP's wording, this was NOT an isolated incident) is just kind of wrong. It's wrong and it's wrong that the fiance didn't immediately put a stop to it.

Edited October 16, 2014 by Spectre

[Spectre]

You had something that bothered you. You chose to react as you did. It's not a matter of right or wrong, it's a matter of benefits. I think you have a lot to lose by continuing with that approach.

 

She voluntarily told you something that happen in her evening at work. She felt very comfortable to share it with you. By your reaction you just practically make her not sharing everything with you. you are directly damaging your relationship and pushing her away and causing her not to think you are her best friend as she thinks now.

 

If I were you, i'd come to her today and apologize and beg her to continue telling me everything as she did until now and promise to try to learn to behave.

 

Okay so she behaves inappropriately with her male co workers in front of him on multiple occasions and HE is the one who should say sorry? Oh..I really do love Loveshack sometimes. The wacky things you see people type sometimes end up making your day. Not only say sorry, but you think he should BEG for it. Oh good God almighty. I needed a good laugh today since it's sort of been a rainy and all around crummy day, thanks.

[lolablue17]

Okay so she behaves inappropriately with her male co workers in front of him on multiple occasions and HE is the one who should say sorry? Oh..I really do love Loveshack sometimes. The wacky things you see people type sometimes end up making your day. Not only say sorry, but you think he should BEG for it. Oh good God almighty. I needed a good laugh today since it's sort of been a rainy and all around crummy day, thanks.

 

I'm happy if you're happy.

 

There are 2 issues here:

 

1. Her behavior while he was present. And what's appropriate or not it's an individual interpretation. I think there's nothing wrong with it, and you can think differently.

 

2. The things she told him by her free will. If his wife shares that kind of information with him, it's a valuable thing in my opinion and i wouldn't want to lose that bonding. If he's upset every time she tells him, he might lose that bonding. So he can wave flags and "play right" or be wise and think before he reacts.

Edited October 16, 2014 by lolablue17

[Javelin]

Perhaps you are approaching your girlfriend the wrong way regarding the situation. If she's calling you control, perhaps the way you come off truly is?

 

Please explain how the conversation went before she threw up the barriers?

Edited October 17, 2014 by Javelin

[smackie9]

I'm sorry, but a true adult would not allow other men to be making sexual innuendo's to them in front of their boyfriend/husband/whatever. An isolated incident? Okay, can't control that, but more then that? Yeah, you put your foot down.

 

The post also seems to imply the guy has done it more then once. So..my question would be why the guys fiance doesn't tell the guy to knock it off. After all, if you are "family" you should be able to tell them to knock it off, right?

 

People are making this out to be a jealously thing, but a man who see's my girl often..making sexual innuendo's to her(and from the OP's wording, this was NOT an isolated incident) is just kind of wrong. It's wrong and it's wrong that the fiance didn't immediately put a stop to it.

 

You are not being useful to anyone nit picking everyones commets.

 

Sorry but it's not a perfect world where you have total control over the universe....just thought I bring that up.

[ComingInHot]

Immediately I have to agree with the above poster, Javelin. Sometimes even often times, what we want to communicate is NOT what comes across. ie; It's all in the delivery. as to how the party will receive it.

 

Back to your initial post...

 

You wrote, "I can be a jealous person. I have come to terms with this."

 

Why are you a jealous person and why in the world are you 'okay' with being a jealous person? You absolutely do not have to be this way and to basically say that you 'give up' on changing this within yourself is quite disconcerting and can make for a bumpy life road.

Don't settle for less of yourself when you can be a better you with a little work and perseverance*

 

I also see that your Fiance does not acknowledge your feelings (as others have said). Now, how you feel may have been lost in your 'delivery' depending and made her defensive and not hear what you were truly saying...

 

When she does accept that YOU are feeling disrespected by a co-worker, and her when they 'joke' about things of a sexual nature, then you BOTH can come up with a way to handle the situations that leaves the line of communication open between the 2 of you and rectifies the issue in a respectful manner for all parties due to work environment and its productive future.

 

...or heh, next time you see this guy and he jokes of a sexual nature, you could be the a$$ too and 'joke' about doing the same to His new Wife... see how funny he finds that. (J/K but fun to pretend)*

[Javelin]

 

...or heh, next time you see this guy and he jokes of a sexual nature, you could be the a$$ too and 'joke' about doing the same to His new Wife... see how funny he finds that. (J/K but fun to pretend)*

 

Lol, I was thinking more along the lines of, " While you [insert semi-kinky fetish here] my fiance, I'll take your wife in the back and try my hands at some double penetration action, might even see how long she can last from my portable Hitachi out in the car. "

 

I'm sure that will nip the dirty talk right in the butt (no pun intended.) Always take it to the next level, most people instantly back off!

 

(This could backfire though, and make you even more jealous if your finance decides to humor her friend and not you.)

Edited October 17, 2014 by Javelin

[lolablue17]

...or heh, next time you see this guy and he jokes of a sexual nature, you could be the a$$ too and 'joke' about doing the same to His new Wife... see how funny he finds that. (J/K but fun to pretend)*

 

Great!!!!!!!!

[smackie9]

How about this...since you are jealous, even if it was not in a serious context, tell your wife to filter what she talks about. She should be aware this is not conversation you enjoy listening to.

 

My husband and I understand there are things you don't need to bring up out of respect. And as you mature, you realize things like this are not worth sweating over.

 

24 years in a workplace, I have learned adults don't really grow up, we have our heads in the gutter, and make it into entertainment because it takes the edge off from our difficult job/challenging job we deal with. It's just the way it is.

 

IMO if you feel your wife needs to control the conversation with her coworkers/friends/men at all times, you are just being controlling, and that would explain why she is upset. You are pretty much telling how to act, when she should be her own free will.

[Thicke2013]

Perhaps you are approaching your girlfriend the wrong way regarding the situation. If she's calling you control, perhaps the way you come off truly is?

 

Please explain how the conversation went before she threw up the barriers?

 

I didn't bring it up until the following day because I didn't want to over react. The problem is, I was kind of distant the entire day before because I sometimes get uneasy when I know that she is going to have these types of events.

 

Immediately I have to agree with the above poster, Javelin. Sometimes even often times, what we want to communicate is NOT what comes across. ie; It's all in the delivery. as to how the party will receive it.

 

Back to your initial post...

 

You wrote, "I can be a jealous person. I have come to terms with this."

 

Why are you a jealous person and why in the world are you 'okay' with being a jealous person? You absolutely do not have to be this way and to basically say that you 'give up' on changing this within yourself is quite disconcerting and can make for a bumpy life road.

Don't settle for less of yourself when you can be a better you with a little work and perseverance*

 

I also see that your Fiance does not acknowledge your feelings (as others have said). Now, how you feel may have been lost in your 'delivery' depending and made her defensive and not hear what you were truly saying...

 

When she does accept that YOU are feeling disrespected by a co-worker, and her when they 'joke' about things of a sexual nature, then you BOTH can come up with a way to handle the situations that leaves the line of communication open between the 2 of you and rectifies the issue in a respectful manner for all parties due to work environment and its productive future.

 

...or heh, next time you see this guy and he jokes of a sexual nature, you could be the a$$ too and 'joke' about doing the same to His new Wife... see how funny he finds that. (J/K but fun to pretend)*

 

I am not okay with being a jealous person, just admitting that I can be. Doesn't mean I am not taking steps to overcome. One of the reasons that I am on here asking for opinions and advice.

 

I thought about making innuendos about his wife next time. I'm not sure he would mind though! LOL

How about this...since you are jealous, even if it was not in a serious context, tell your wife to filter what she talks about. She should be aware this is not conversation you enjoy listening to.

 

My husband and I understand there are things you don't need to bring up out of respect. And as you mature, you realize things like this are not worth sweating over.

 

24 years in a workplace, I have learned adults don't really grow up, we have our heads in the gutter, and make it into entertainment because it takes the edge off from our difficult job/challenging job we deal with. It's just the way it is.

 

IMO if you feel your wife needs to control the conversation with her coworkers/friends/men at all times, you are just being controlling, and that would explain why she is upset. You are pretty much telling how to act, when she should be her own free will.

 

I don't want to control her and even the thought that what I have done or said could be misconstrued as controlling bothers me. Again, one of the reasons I am here asking for advice. I too engage in this type of humor from time to time but I never make specific comments to another female. That is what truly bothers me about this. Earlier this year when it was his birthday, they all met in the conference room to give him his gift and bday lunch (they do this for everyone) someone made a comment about a stripper and then my fiance' just happened to walk in and he said, "is she my stripper? I'm okay with that!". Again, no big deal in and of itself especially in a joking manner. It's the accumulative comments specifically towards my fiance' that make me uncomfortable.

[drifter777]

I can be a jealous person. I have come to terms with this. My fiance' works in an environment (sales in a male dominated industry) where she has to interact with many men at dinners, company functions etc. Sometimes it is very hard for me to handle and I'll also admit that I don't always handle it the best way. She has been very good previously about making me feel comfortable about it.

 

Now the story, last night she was at one of these dinners with about 17 customers and her coworkers (about half of which are female). She asked me to drop her off and pick her up which I gladly did. On the way home she tells me a story about how while playing a game she grabbed one of her coworkers by the arm to tell him something and he jokingly told her he would hog tie her. To which another coworker that we will call Jim said, "she isn't the kind of girl you hog tie, she is the kind of woman you let tie you up!" Supposedly she laughed it off. Now, for some background information, we have hung out with this guy before and his wife. Even went to their wedding just a couple of months ago. I think he is pretty harmless, but he is very flirty and has openly made sexual innuendos to her even in my presence. This morning I told her that I didn't appreciate his comment and even more-so, the accumulation of comments. She didn't receive this well and is now upset with me calling me controlling and jealous. I asked her how she would feel if one of my female coworkers made a comment about me tying them up? She claimed that because I know this guy and we have all hung out that it makes it different. I say, because we have all hung out and I have heard his flirting banter and sexual innuendos before, is what caused me discomfort. Advice please.

 

GIANT RED FLAG! She clearly has lousy boundaries and those boundaries get weaker every time she pushes them. Continue your relationship knowing that you are going to have to monitor her behavior, worry about her male friends, and sweat blood every time she has a business dinner, meeting, or trip. Marry her and you are asking for misery.

[drifter777]

Why are you a jealous person and why in the world are you 'okay' with being a jealous person? You absolutely do not have to be this way and to basically say that you 'give up' on changing this within yourself is quite disconcerting and can make for a bumpy life road.

Why is it you think a person can change their basic personality? Its not like an addict who can change their behavior and learn how to live life clean. Things like insecurity - which is what we are talking about - are imprinted into our personality during our childhood and fueled by traumatic events in our lives. It cannot be "fixed". The best we can do is to realize we have this fault and try to catch ourselves before we overreact when we feel it. OP said this is how he is trying to live and I think that is the best anyone can do.

[d0nnivain]

GIANT RED FLAG! She clearly has lousy boundaries and those boundaries get weaker every time she pushes them. Continue your relationship knowing that you are going to have to monitor her behavior, worry about her male friends, and sweat blood every time she has a business dinner, meeting, or trip. Marry her and you are asking for misery.

 

I don't see where the girl has poor boundaries at all. Some guy made a comment. All she did was not fly off the handle & then later tell her BF about it.

 

I'll ask you the same Q I asked the OP: what would you have wanted her to do in the work setting that would have allowed her to continue being gainfully employed?

[ComingInHot]

Why is it you think a person can change their basic personality? Its not like an addict who can change their behavior and learn how to live life clean. Things like insecurity - which is what we are talking about - are imprinted into our personality during our childhood and fueled by traumatic events in our lives. It cannot be "fixed". The best we can do is to realize we have this fault and try to catch ourselves before we overreact when we feel it. OP said this is how he is trying to live and I think that is the best anyone can do.

 

I guess because we all have innate characteristics that we 'tend' towards. Being jealous is one of those.

Just because we tend towards a certain behavior doesn't mean we can condition ourselves away from it.

I would be (embarrassingly) a perfect example. I was one crazy jealous young girl. Like stupid jealous.

 

One day, I decided I didn't even like me or want to be around me (and that is really tough because I couldn't just leave my own a$$ behind...), so I changed everything about that aspect of my being.

It took about 6 months (I was young then and would like to believe change came easier back then ) and I have not been jealous since then.

 

It can work but it's a-lot of work