smackie9 Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Maybe you two are just not compatible then if this is something of a constant dealbreaker for you. It is about her and your personality differences. Some people are easy going with this sort of thing, some like yourself are not. She just may not be the one for you. If my husband was like you and put the hammer down about how my coworkers talk to me, he wouldn't have been my husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Sorry, I haven't read all this. Gawd! Are you serious? It's work type banter! You are 'in' the work crew also so all your gf was doing was relaying a funny story! I agree with her...controlling and jealous. I've been there too. It's not pleasant. It's a RS killer. If I were her I would be re-running all this in my mind and seriously re-considering the relationship and whether I want that for the long haul. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thicke2013 Posted October 17, 2014 Author Share Posted October 17, 2014 GIANT RED FLAG! She clearly has lousy boundaries and those boundaries get weaker every time she pushes them. Continue your relationship knowing that you are going to have to monitor her behavior, worry about her male friends, and sweat blood every time she has a business dinner, meeting, or trip. Marry her and you are asking for misery. I don't see red flags. I don't even see that she did anything wrong. There have been guys that got out of line with her when I was there and when I haven't been and she has reacted perfectly every time. Just like most guys would want her to. I guess my main issue here was that she took my comment as controlling jealousy and in my mind I was just expressing my displeasure with what the coworker said. Didn't really want her to do anything. I don't see where the girl has poor boundaries at all. Some guy made a comment. All she did was not fly off the handle & then later tell her BF about it. I'll ask you the same Q I asked the OP: what would you have wanted her to do in the work setting that would have allowed her to continue being gainfully employed? The only thing I wanted honestly was maybe validation that what I was feeling wasn't totally uncalled for and maybe for her to agree that it is somewhat crossing the line. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 The only thing I wanted honestly was maybe validation that what I was feeling wasn't totally uncalled for and maybe for her to agree that it is somewhat crossing the line. The desire for validation from her that your feelings were hurt is fine. My point remains that she is trust worthy & there wasn't anything for her to do when her co-workers said those things. Yes they were in poor taste but it's not worth quitting over or breaking up Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 I don't see red flags. I don't even see that she did anything wrong. ... Fair enough - I was reading into the situation. I made the boundary comment because of your "grabbed her co-worker by the arm" comment and that you have been with her when a number of sexual comments were aimed at her and she has yet to rebuke the guy. I'm still reading into the situation. You are insecure with her being cozy/friendly with the men she works with - and she works with lots of men. She is bitching about you being controlling when you question an interaction she had with a man that makes you uncomfortable. Which of these situations are going to magically stop happening? If your plan is that YOU will change and not be so insecure & vigilant regarding trust, I would urge you to start working with a counselor ASAP. It could take many years for you to change substantially. If your plan is that SHE will change - well - that's a broken plan because she is NOT going to go to counseling to work on being less "friendly" to other men. The engagement period is a time when you guys should be assessing your compatibility and projecting if the two of you will be happy. Marriage is really hard - this entire situation is a red flag whether you want to accept it or not. Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 The only thing that counts is that you can trust her. Men are going to come onto your girl all the time. Let her handle it, trust her to handle it. If you don't like the guy, then tell her you'd rather not hang out with him, as flirting with other women who are taken isn't your thing. She should be able to understand that. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 (edited) 1. Her behavior while he was present. And what's appropriate or not it's an individual interpretation. I think there's nothing wrong with it, and you can think differently. But your replies do not even make any sense. You say, for instance, this guy being uncomfortable over this is not right or wrong. But then you go on to say he should apologize? So..well, saying sorry means you did something wrong. So what did he do wrong? The implication seems to be that any information willingly shared can only be taken a certain way? It can't make him uncomfortable merely because she was honest about it? That makes no sense at all. 2. The things she told him by her free will. If his wife shares that kind of information with him, it's a valuable thing in my opinion and i wouldn't want to lose that bonding. If he's upset every time she tells him, he might lose that bonding. So he can wave flags and "play right" or be wise and think before he reacts. This is silly. So because she willingly tells him something..that means he is not allowed to have a problem with what she told him? Christ, if this is going to make them "lose bonding" they should not be together. Being honest with someone is NOT about their reaction, it is about the right thing to do. It doesn't matter if the honesty helps them, hurts them, etc. they deserve the truth. You seem to be feel because she was honest about it means there was nothing inappropriate going on. That isn't exactly the case. Honestly IS good, but it doesn't give you free reign to do whatever you damn well please. Honesty does not guarantee you a positive reaction, but SO what? That is part of being an adult. The OP's post implies this has happened before, so it is NOT okay, whether or not she is honest about it is not the issue here. Why hasn't the wife told the friend to knock it off? That is still my question. Edited October 18, 2014 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 (edited) I'll ask you the same Q I asked the OP: what would you have wanted her to do in the work setting that would have allowed her to continue being gainfully employed? Wait, so you are saying if she merely asked the guys to knock off that kind of talk they would fire her? That sounds like what you just said. Because nobody said the woman had to be a b*tch about it to her co-workers. All that need to be said is "guys, I am engaged now, you can't make these kind of comments anymore". That is all. If she can't do that? She is not worth marrying. Or if the place would FIRE her for saying "don't make those comments" then..that is another kind of problem. Or if these guys would be *unable* to stop themselves from behaving that way, that is another kind of problem. If the guy is brazen enough to do this when her fiance is there..it kind of makes you wonder about what he does when the guy is not around. Edited October 18, 2014 by Spectre 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 They love each other they will get married anyway. Nothing like the smell of misogyny in the morning..... Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 (edited) They love each other they will get married anyway. Nothing like the smell of misogyny in the morning..... There is no misogyny in here..just thought I'd bring that up. You are also not being useful to anyone by making comments like this, thought I'd bring that up too. This is not a perfect world where you have total control over the universe. Edited October 18, 2014 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thicke2013 Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 Thanks everyone for the replies. I truly read every one of them and take them all into consideration. The reason I like posting here for advice is that it comes in all shapes and forms. This allows me to see from many different peoples perspectives, young, old, and everywhere in between. So we just got home from a family vacation. We went with my kids, my mom and dad, and my bother and his wife and kids. It was absolutely amazing. We did have some candid talks while there about this. Here are some of our conclusions. 1. I am more sensitive to this than she is. One reason being she is an attractive female that gets hit on a lot and has all of her life. If she shut down every guy who made an innuendo to her it would be a full time job. I agree and that is not what I expect. 2. She has shown me that she will not let guys cross the line with her and has no problem setting them straight. Sometimes she may not do it as quickly as I'd like. Our conclusion that we both agreed on......With this particular guy and other guys that she works closely with, she will shut them down more quickly. Meaning that if this particular guy says something again (as he obviously has before) she will have a talk with him and let him know that it needs to stop. After that, she will get HR involved. As for other guys, I know how they can talk and if nothing is directed at her or makes her feel uncomfortable, then I trust her to handle it the best way she sees fit. Just so I am clear about my post, no part of it ever made me question my relationship with her. My main question was regarding whether or not others saw this as jealousy, or as a behavior problem. I think it may be a little of both. Yes we are engaged and have been together going on 2 years now, but we are still learning one another and I think that is what this is. Two people learning one another. I do feel that working in this type of environment has desensitized her somewhat to the men saying certain things and she even agreed with that and also agreed as I said earlier to put a stop to it. Thanks everyone for the feedback. I truly do appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
tom670 Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 In todays PC world, if that guy keeps it up he will get fired for fear of law suits ect. It is good you cleared the air now sit back and no more talk about it and observe. I think he could have been putting feelers out to see if she was available and your gut was right on this. Good to hear she has boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
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