Back again

[Sofie2013]

I used to post on here a lot when I was going through the fallout of my affair and then divorce. Lately I haven’t really been posting but I kind need your advice again. I kind just need someone to talk about all of this. I and my ex-husband were together for 12 years we have to two boys (twins) 8 years old. We have only been divorced for a few months and but separated for a year. We have what I think is a good co-parenting relationship so that’s not really the problem. We both have a good understanding when it comes to that.

 

So my problem or dilemma is around mid-august my ex and I stared talking again and we eventually stared seeing each other again sounds good right since I always wanted to get back together but problem is its more of a friends with befits kind of thing then an actually relationship. I was still ok with that cause I thought that way we could become more than that with time I still do. The problem is I’m not the only person he’s seeing I knew form the being he was seeing someone else it really didn’t really stop me. I really thought I could make him all mine again I know stupid. My sisters and even my counselor told me this wasn’t a good idea and I didn’t listen. So now we have been having this kind of relationship for a few months and it being to take a toll on me. Honesty its making feel like some kind of cheap S***. I can’t stand the fact he’s taking other women out on nice, great dates then probably sleeping with them and yet I’m lucky if I get a coffee date. To make it worst if feel like it’s all one sided I am still so much in love with him and I know he doesn’t feel that way towards me. I already tried to end things once in the first week of October it really didn’t work out since I already slept with him three times since then. I want to seeing him like this but I just can’t I get such a rush when I am with him and the sex is great. It’s after I feel completely worthless knowing I’m only good for a quick is lay. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

[nightmare01]

As a guy I HATE relationship talks.. as in "where is this relationship going?" BUT I think it's time to have one of these talks with your XH.

 

He may be content to leave your relationship as a friends with benefits, but you're obviously not ok with that. So you need to talk it out. Be prepared though, if he wants to leave things as they are then you need to be ready to either accept that, or walk away.

[Clay]

I think you should sit down and talk to him. Try to keep it light but straight to the point. You do need to protect yourself. I know you want him back in your life but sometimes it just doesn't work out. Its better you both have a good relationship for the children's sake.

 

I hope things work out for you.

 

Clay

[DKT3]

I used to post on here a lot when I was going through the fallout of my affair and then divorce. Lately I haven’t really been posting but I kind need your advice again. I kind just need someone to talk about all of this. I and my ex-husband were together for 12 years we have to two boys (twins) 8 years old. We have only been divorced for a few months and but separated for a year. We have what I think is a good co-parenting relationship so that’s not really the problem. We both have a good understanding when it comes to that.

 

So my problem or dilemma is around mid-august my ex and I stared talking again and we eventually stared seeing each other again sounds good right since I always wanted to get back together but problem is its more of a friends with befits kind of thing then an actually relationship. I was still ok with that cause I thought that way we could become more than that with time I still do. The problem is I’m not the only person he’s seeing I knew form the being he was seeing someone else it really didn’t really stop me. I really thought I could make him all mine again I know stupid. My sisters and even my counselor told me this wasn’t a good idea and I didn’t listen. So now we have been having this kind of relationship for a few months and it being to take a toll on me. Honesty its making feel like some kind of cheap S***. I can’t stand the fact he’s taking other women out on nice, great dates then probably sleeping with them and yet I’m lucky if I get a coffee date. To make it worst if feel like it’s all one sided I am still so much in love with him and I know he doesn’t feel that way towards me. I already tried to end things once in the first week of October it really didn’t work out since I already slept with him three times since then. I want to seeing him like this but I just can’t I get such a rush when I am with him and the sex is great. It’s after I feel completely worthless knowing I’m only good for a quick is lay. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

 

WOW, this is almost the exact thing that happened in my situation. I can't speak for your ex, but for me it was more then FWB even if I tried to convince both her and myself otherwise. I really just wanted to be around her, even used spending extra time with the kids to do so. The problem was I feared getting too close, I feared letting her back in so I limited the relationship. I saw other women and allowed her to think those women were more to me then they were.

 

For me it wasn't about the sex, through we have always had an amazing sexual chemistry. She thought that's what I wanted and at that point she would take whatever she could get. With time she started to demand more, little by little we grew closer and I gave into her demands. First it was stop sleeping with other women, I did but I continued to date, then it was stop dating other women, I did but I continues to talk and flirt, then it was stop talking to and flirting with other women. Of course I did.

 

She did a masterful job of getting me to bring my walls down bit by bit. Never too much pressure that I ran away, but enough to make it clear what she wanted.

 

I promise you, he doesn't see you as a whore. I would also bet my house its about more then sex for him.

 

I would say give it time, try to keep it light fun and away from the kids not to cause much confusion. If after some time you don't see him offering more then you should talk to him about it. Right now its too soon to start putting pressure on him and you could run him off. He is still hurt, but he is giving you what he is safe and comfortable with.

[Sofie2013]

The FWB doesn’t really bother me I’m ok with that more right now its just him seeing other women is what really bothers me. If I was the only one then I’m ok with it I just don’t want to be another one that’s on his list.

 

I’m scared to talk to him about this I know he would be ok with leaving things the way they are and he wouldn’t really care if I decided to end it. The fact is I want him more than he does me.

[Clay]

I know its hard but I still think you need to find a way to talk to him. You don't have to push really hard on things but there is nothing wrong with establishing some lines in the sands in your arrangement.

 

Maybe you can offer him to come over for dinner and just make it a light talk as part of the evening. The more you open your communications with him the better you will be able to figure out what you want.

 

Clay

[aliveagain]

Sofie, next time he calls you for a bootie call tell him you can't that night, you have a date but maybe the following week will work. Don't allow him to use you, by being available all the time the value he puts on you goes down. The harder you become to get to the greater the value of the treasure. Your worth the effort.

[mrs rubble]

I think aliveagain is right in saying you should make yourself less available, I wouldn't say you're on a date though. Just say you are busy.

Then make yourself busy with setting goals for yourself. Work on being the best possible version of yourself you can be. Spend time reflecting on the qualities you admire in yourself and others, share your findings with your son's. Realise you are responsible for the things you invite into your life, when you truly believe you deserve to be living an abundant and blessed life it will happen.

Try and give up the urge to have sex for awhile, masterbate, meditate, take up yoga or pole dancing, anything that will help you to concentrate on you and your happiness. I believe that when we are most comfortable and happy with ourselves we are damn near irresistible to others.

Best wishes to you.

[regret143]

The FWB doesn’t really bother me I’m ok with that more right now its just him seeing other women is what really bothers me. If I was the only one then I’m ok with it I just don’t want to be another one that’s on his list.

 

I’m scared to talk to him about this I know he would be ok with leaving things the way they are and he wouldn’t really care if I decided to end it. The fact is I want him more than he does me.

 

He probably won't be very keen to give any exclusive treatment, because that is exactly what you took from him.

 

He may be letting you come back to his life slowly or he may be just giving himself some closure from you. If the second is true, there is nothing you can do, you will get hurt. But it will still be your own fault.

[No Limit]

That depends on you now; if you demand being exclusive, he'll probably be gone for good. If not, well, right now all you are doing is comfort/really push his ego (that varies from guy to guy, but I've read stories in other forums with guys bragging about how they got their perhaps-even-sincerely-remorseful ex wrapped around their little finger).

 

You'll have to pick.

[DKT3]

In a normal dating situation the stuff said here would be great. However, Sofia is trying to get in the front door. Standing on the porch barking out orders isn't useful here.

 

I'm not saying she needs to be his sex toy, which she says she doesn't really have an issue with, I'm saying she isn't in a position YET to make demands for fidelity since her infidelity ended the marriage.

 

I also don't believe that playing hard to get or unavailable is the best way since she wants him back. He isn't going to work real hard right now for a woman who cheated and he just divorced.

 

Sofia, give it some time.

[No Limit]

In a normal dating situation the stuff said here would be great. However, Sofia is trying to get in the front door. Standing on the porch barking out orders isn't useful here.

 

I'm not saying she needs to be his sex toy, which she says she doesn't really have an issue with, I'm saying she isn't in a position YET to make demands for fidelity since her infidelity ended the marriage.

 

I also don't believe that playing hard to get or unavailable is the best way since she wants him back. He isn't going to work real hard right now for a woman who cheated and he just divorced.

 

Sofia, give it some time.

 

Of course waiting would be the best, but judging from the OPs opening post it seems to be getting to her. Nonetheless her ex has the ball now, and I doubt he would go out with other women if he wouldn't enjoy it (and in his current situation, it's cake eating for free and with his single status without much concern).

I know people will direct their tomatoes at me for this, but perhaps you should also let the idea of "getting the old family back together" go for a while Sofia. Even if he were the type to surprise you with flowers, take you back and move right back in it wouldn't be the same.

[Sassy Girl]

I kind of agree with DKT seeing as he's BTDT, but I don't honestly think Sofie should be sacrificing her self esteem and self worth for this. His actions are sending her a message that she's not worth more. Whether it's true or not, that's got to hurt.

 

Surely there's a middle way, where they can be rational adults with no manipulation that won't cost Sofie her self respect? That's just not healthy.

[No Limit]

Surely there's a middle way, where they can be rational adults with no manipulation that won't cost Sofie her self respect?

 

She could ask for meetups/dates without sex, for a start. But chances are he'd quickly send a message 10 minutes late that he's gotta reschedule because of 'important business', like that nice secretary or who knows who. On the other hand, that'll give her a clear message.

[Mr. Lucky]

The FWB doesn’t really bother me I’m ok with that more right now its just him seeing other women is what really bothers me. If I was the only one then I’m ok with it I just don’t want to be another one that’s on his list.

 

Isn't his lack of exclusivity the reason you divorced him ???

 

Why offer him something as a BF you couldn't tolerate as a spouse? You seem determined to put yourself in a postilion that's going cause or allow you to be hurt - both emotionally and (through STDs, etc) physically.

 

I'll bet you're better than and deserve more than this sad arrangement...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Raven3321]

Hi Sophie,

 

 

Good to hear from you. I'm not going to say it's good to continue having sex with him when he's clearly out with other women. However, I will chime with DKT3 to give him time.

 

 

With men, it's all about our manhood. When you slept with the other guy, you took that away from him. His pursuit of other women is his way (and most men's I might add) of getting that back. He's trying to fill in that void of justice....that feeling that someone got one over on you. I know that doesn't make you feel too good but it isn't about your feelings right now; it's about your strategy.

 

 

This is my point: he's watching you. He's seeing how you will react. Are you worth another go. He's seeing if you are going to hang in there with him. He's testing you to see how bad do you want him. Read DKT3 and lovingDKT3's story. Trust me, if he was done with you, he would be repulsed to even touch you. He misses you, trust me. The flame is still there. That's why I wrote months ago, it ain't over till it's over. Even when men divorce there wives and move on, they often wander right back home. My father in law divorced my mother in law after thirty four years of marriage. He even married another woman for 10 years. After all was said and done, he re-married my mother in law because there's no place like home.

 

 

I wouldn't talk to him just yet about where he stands with you. Now would be premature. I imagine it will be months if not a few years before he gets over your infidelity. However, I wouldn't necessarily be his booty call either. You have the right to stand up for yourself. The other women, there's nothing you can do about that. However, the mere fact that he's with them yet still has some attraction to you is saying something. Don't look at them as rivals as hard as that may be. You see, he's just using them to get healed. He still loves you Sophie. It will just take him some time before his heart is healed enough to let you in.

[BetrayedH]

Don't be his doormat. No one respects a doormat. You're already losing respect for yourself.

 

Tell him you love him (etc) but you have to respect yourself enough not to just be his personal sex toy. No sex until he's ready to be exclusive.

 

That's my advice.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I think there's merit to the question of "is a relationship that makes me feel worse about myself a relationship I want to be in?" I understand you want to reconcile, but taking the table scraps of a relationship in the hope of eventually cobbling it together to be a future may not be worth it... And in all honesty, you may feel so bad about it because it reminds you even subconsciously of taking scraps offered from the affair to build something more and the constant state of flux that puts you in.

 

Honestly, if it were me, I'd think you'd have a better shot of saying to your ex-husband something like:

 

"I still have feelings for you and I would love to try to slowly build a relationship with you again. I've never wanted anything more in my life. But I can't go into a dynamic that reminds me of what I did that ruined us to begin with. Even if it's with you, I can't be your 'other woman' to the other people you're dating and I can't go back into a relationship with anybody where it's anything but them and me. The memories of what was ruined the first time that happened is too much for me and the last thing I want to do is to put you in that situation too, where we relive the same feelings of insecurity and uncertainty all over again. I want better for you and I want better for us, if 'us' is something you want too. If you want to make a fresh start, I would love to too. But right now, as long as one or both of us is also seeing others, I just can't do that again. I'm sorry, but if a fresh start is what we need, then I want to make sure we do it right, either by doing what we could be justice, or by giving myself and you the space to move on."

 

Then... I'd leave it. I wouldn't have sex anymore, I wouldn't be that backup. Sure, he'll probably shoot the idea of reconciling down... But I think there's a sense of closure, resolution, and honor in saying to him that dynamic is what screwed the relationship before and you get how much it hurt him because now it's screwing you too... And that you learned enough by how it ruined everything that you don't want to do it again.

 

I think, if done correctly, it shows him that you're serious and not looking for another conditional fidelity arraignment, where you're together as long as somebody else more interesting doesn't come along. You've changed and you want nothing to do with any dynamic that reminds you of that ever again. And I think that goes far more to endearing yourself to him while keeping your pride intact than any quasi-relationship would.

 

It may end the relationship arraignment now, but wouldn't it be better to end it now then to keep it going for two years until the day he comes and says "I met somebody, it's serious, we can't do this anymore"? It means your current feelings of inadequacy and unhappiness would endured for nothing and I think it teaches him that you haven't really changed. It sends the message that you'll still settle for the impulsive leftovers of whatever makes you a little happy as offered by somebody else. For a little attention, you'll fall into anything and stick with it, even if it makes you feel bad... And that won't entice him to come back at all.

[HereNorThere]

Ugh.. So much bad advice on this thread. Look, you've been dating your ex for less time than you actually cheated on him. You expect him to accept you fully into his life when the ink isn't even dry on the divorce papers? I actually think you're lucky that he can even stand the sight of you at this point. You're doing quite well for someone who committed such a heinous, drawn-out deception. Something like this takes years to heal, not months.

 

As far as being jealous of the other women, that's your fault. You're the one who brought other people into the relationship, not him. It seems like you're falling back into the selfish, cheater mindset that you supposedly put away.

 

I've really enjoyed reading your previous threads and thought you were making progress, but now I'm rethinking all of that. You are in no position to be making any demands or putting pressure on him or your fragile relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

As far as being jealous of the other women, that's your fault. You're the one who brought other people into the relationship, not him. It seems like you're falling back into the selfish, cheater mindset that you supposedly put away.

Guess I need to work on my reading comprehension. Had it backward, thought her H had the affair, not her.

 

Forget everything I said ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

Ugh.. So much bad advice on this thread. Look, you've been dating your ex for less time than you actually cheated on him. You expect him to accept you fully into his life when the ink isn't even dry on the divorce papers? I actually think you're lucky that he can even stand the sight of you at this point. You're doing quite well for someone who committed such a heinous, drawn-out deception. Something like this takes years to heal, not months.

 

As far as being jealous of the other women, that's your fault. You're the one who brought other people into the relationship, not him. It seems like you're falling back into the selfish, cheater mindset that you supposedly put away.

 

I've really enjoyed reading your previous threads and thought you were making progress, but now I'm rethinking all of that. You are in no position to be making any demands or putting pressure on him or your fragile relationship.

 

I know, I agree with you.

 

Its not about being a doormat, however she has to be humble. The affair itself was about as horrible as they come if I remember right. OM anwsered her phone (husband called) at 3 am after a family accident while she was on a business trip. Then he waited for her to confess which she wouldn't do. Too lazy to check but I think that was it.

 

Sofia, you are in no position to make demands. If you want a shot at this don't play games, don't push, and control your jealousy. You are divorced and not in a committed relationship. Take the advice here and you WILL run him of.

[anne1707]

Ugh.. So much bad advice on this thread. Look, you've been dating your ex for less time than you actually cheated on him. You expect him to accept you fully into his life when the ink isn't even dry on the divorce papers? I actually think you're lucky that he can even stand the sight of you at this point. You're doing quite well for someone who committed such a heinous, drawn-out deception. Something like this takes years to heal, not months.

 

As far as being jealous of the other women, that's your fault. You're the one who brought other people into the relationship, not him. It seems like you're falling back into the selfish, cheater mindset that you supposedly put away.

 

I've really enjoyed reading your previous threads and thought you were making progress, but now I'm rethinking all of that. You are in no position to be making any demands or putting pressure on him or your fragile relationship.

 

Sofie may or may not be in a position to make demands of her ex. However she is still perfectly entitled to be in a healthy relationship and to be respected by whoever she is in a relationship with, just exactly as her ex is. If this relationship is not working then I fail to see how the advice she has been given is so bad, unless people just want to see her continue to suffer.

[HereNorThere]

To me, demanding exclusivity after dating one month, or even suggesting it, would feel like continuing the previous toxic relationship instead of building a new one. It seems like a lot of WS just can't figure out why their partner can't easily rug sweep having their life turned upside down.

 

Sure, some posters here cheated for years and escaped the consequences, but Sofie didn't. I'd feel damn lucky if I treated someone the way Sofie did and they invited me back into their life at all. It would be different if he was being abusive or something, but all he's doing is living the life she created for him. She has a choice, accept what he's offering (which is pretty gracious by all accounts) or kick rocks. Sadly, I guess I'm disappointed that she has no gratitude for what he has offered her, a chance to be in his life again.

 

Making demands after one month of dating anyone, let alone someone who destroyed your family, seems entitled and selfish. Sometimes you gotta lie in the bed you made... Alone.

[No Limit]

Isn't his lack of exclusivity the reason you divorced him ???

 

Why offer him something as a BF you couldn't tolerate as a spouse? You seem determined to put yourself in a postilion that's going cause or allow you to be hurt - both emotionally and (through STDs, etc) physically.

 

I'll bet you're better than and deserve more than this sad arrangement...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

*cough cough* Actually, it was her lack of exclusivity... and it was him who divorced her.

 

 

edit; read your other post too late, sorreh.

Edited October 17, 2014 by No Limit

[goodyblue]

Omg. Don't lick someone's shoe trying to fix a broken relationship. Move on, date others, be single. If there is a point at which you can come together on equal footing and want to to try again, great. Meantime, don't let anyone hurt you just because they can. I understand being contrite and sorry for your affair but this just seems like he wants to punish you in some weird way. Wants to have control. That is no more healthy than the affair. I hope you find resolution soon as it just seems there is only hurting and no healing going on.