Back again

[Blackknight]

I'm not trying to dump on you here but that feeling is what he felt x 10 when OM picked up your phone in your hotel room in the early morning hours.

 

I think most of the posters are missing your point and making this about him using you for sex. Which I'm getting from you isn't the issue, but its feeling like he is making so much more effort with these other women. I get that, I was your ex husband.

 

Here is the thing, (about to upset some folks) you can listen to those who has shared in the same self centered selfishness as you that lead to you being in this position and you will lose him forever. Is that what you want? Or you can give him time to feel comfortable with giving you more at his pace. There is a large amount of both fear and risk here on his part. Those who have been unfaithful I don't think really get that. Flat out, he is scared of you. He wants to be close or he wouldn't be doing this. Yet the other women are protection, a way to keep him from over investing in you at this point.

 

He will run hot and cold. Hot in times when how much he loves you overshadows what you've done. Cold when its the first thing he thinks of when he sees you.

 

There is a chance you could lose him to another woman, again BTDT. Its a gamble, you can invest in him and end up with nothing.

 

In my opinion, its best to remain present in his life. Work on yourself being the best YOU and mother you can. In that he will see the women he fell in love with and not the one that ripped his heart out. Start being selfish and demanding and he will see the wayward side that ended the marriage. There is a time and place for that, he isn't there yet.

 

My posts have nothing to do with my situation. They are unlike as unlike can be. But your posts are you thinking you know it all because using your wife as a sex toy worked out for you guys. But what you seem to ignore is that sophie is hurting over this and in a bad place. She can't be a better person if she continues to let a man treat her in a way that kills her self esteem. She shouldn't have to fear cutting off sex and taking care of herself will cause her to lose him. Because if he doesn't care at all about her well being then he isn't worth fighting for. If this wasn't bothering her then it would be a different story but people should stop encouraging her to eat a sht sandwhich.

 

She was a plaything for her xMM and now for her husband. How is this personal growth?

 

I think she should just be honest with him.

[Sub]

But I don’t really blame him now that I think about. I kind made myself to easy and willing he doesn’t really need to put the effort in with me compared to the other ones he’s seeing.

I think it takes more effort than you think, at least emotionally and even sometimes physically. It's not going to be the same type of effort he puts in for "new" women. It's unrealistic to think it would. But I wouldn't assume it's easy for him.

[NYWoman]

The way I see it, she can feel like sh%t, now, or feel many times that a few of years down the road, when she drives by her dream house, and know another woman is sharing that house with her man.

[Blackknight]

The way I see it, she can feel like sh%t, now, or feel many times that a few of years down the road, when she drives by her dream house, and know another woman is sharing that house with her man.

 

So she has to whore herself out to get her dream house? That is what people are talking here and pressuring her into. Sexual manipulation and selling her body on the off chance that he might give her a second chance? How is this whole thing good for her children?

[drifter777]

Sophie - I always advocated for you to do a true 180 after your attempts to get him to try reconciliation failed and he divorced you. You have chosen the "I hope to win him back" route which, to me, is another act of instant gratification. You are taking the easy way out - it's like stalking him a in a desperate attempt to maintain contact. It makes you weak, it makes you feel used, and it's not going to help your situation in the long run.

 

Cutting off all contact with him that doesn't relate directly to your kids sends a huge message to him as in "I'm really going to lose her forever". If you start dating other men then he has to make a choice as to whether he wants to reconsider his decision to end your relationship for good. Right now you are giving him free, no-strings sex. Very few ex-husbands will turn that down no matter what his true feelings are. You are doing the same thing you did when you cheated: trading sex for his attention. Its pathetic and you need to decide if that is still who you are and if that's who you want to continue to be. Remember, as you get older lots of men won't pursue you just for sex so that feeling of being "desired and pursued" is going to end. Then what? How will you get the validation of other men when many of them are rejecting you?

 

You need a plan B that is long term. The decision to end unnecessary contact with xH is positive action - something YOU are taking charge of and doing. Start dating. Force him to react to you for a change. If he moves on and stops trying to bed you then, well, it's meant to be. And if that happens and you have already begun NC and are starting to date then YOU are on your way to finally moving ahead with your life.

 

The biggest positive for you if you take my advice is that you are finally seeing reality and owning your own recovery from all of this. You blew up your marriage and you want to patch things up so (right now) and I think the 180 will either get you there or show you it's not going to happen. Whatever happens, you need to put this horrible time of your life behind you and try to move forward. After all, you have children to take care of and you want to teach them that working for long-term rewards is always a better plan for life then taking short-cuts - that may damage them - every time they see something shiny along the way.

[beach]

If it makes you feel used an unimportant to have sex with him = then don't have sex with him. Then you won't feel used.

 

People will only take advantage of you IF you allow them to. Don't don't "allow" certain things.

 

 

 

Most likely, he doesn't trust you. He may never trust you again.

 

Your actions (not words) are the only thing that can EARN his trust.

 

Consider that you have dug yourself into a hole. You need to climb out of the hole you've dug. It should be expected that it will take a long time climbing to get back to level ground.

 

If having sex with him digs you deeper then stop having sex with him. The sex may be muddying the ground you're digging from.

 

Lots of time will help for clarity. But you may not get any clarity while you're digging your hole deeper.

 

When the real you"surfaces" then you may have a chance that this could work out.

 

 

Until that time just begin doing what is right at all times. Whether anyone notices or not.

 

Stay busy!

[Furious]

I used to post on here a lot when I was going through the fallout of my affair and then divorce. Lately I haven’t really been posting but I kind need your advice again. I kind just need someone to talk about all of this. I and my ex-husband were together for 12 years we have to two boys (twins) 8 years old. We have only been divorced for a few months and but separated for a year. We have what I think is a good co-parenting relationship so that’s not really the problem. We both have a good understanding when it comes to that.

 

So my problem or dilemma is around mid-august my ex and I stared talking again and we eventually stared seeing each other again sounds good right since I always wanted to get back together but problem is its more of a friends with befits kind of thing then an actually relationship. I was still ok with that cause I thought that way we could become more than that with time I still do. The problem is I’m not the only person he’s seeing I knew form the being he was seeing someone else it really didn’t really stop me. I really thought I could make him all mine again I know stupid. My sisters and even my counselor told me this wasn’t a good idea and I didn’t listen. So now we have been having this kind of relationship for a few months and it being to take a toll on me. Honesty its making feel like some kind of cheap S***. I can’t stand the fact he’s taking other women out on nice, great dates then probably sleeping with them and yet I’m lucky if I get a coffee date. To make it worst if feel like it’s all one sided I am still so much in love with him and I know he doesn’t feel that way towards me. I already tried to end things once in the first week of October it really didn’t work out since I already slept with him three times since then. I want to seeing him like this but I just can’t I get such a rush when I am with him and the sex is great. It’s after I feel completely worthless knowing I’m only good for a quick is lay. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

 

 

 

Sophie, it's over. I know it must really hurt and you're hoping for winning your ex-husband back.

 

Sadly, genuine remorse isn't enough sometimes. Let him go.

 

You've divorced but in your mind you haven't accepted that it's really over. By putting yourself in the situation as a FWB is not healthy for either of you.

 

Let him go, wish him the best. You will mourn the loss, but life goes on. it's time for you to heal and move on too.

[beach]

Ok thanks for all the comments. I have read them all and I’m more confused on then before. I have no idea what I’m going to now. Part feels like maybe I should be grateful he even wants to talk to me let alone still see me. I knowing how much how pain and how much I have hurt I know I should. And I’m grateful I just hate what it does to me. I used to be his number one and alone one. Now I don’t even know if I’m his second, third or even forth. I don’t what I’m done anymore. Maybe I should just give it more time to see what happens it’s only been going on for a few months.

 

I also don’t plan on making him choose between me and other women his seeing. I never planned on demanding make a choice either. I know that would put stop to any chance I have of ever getting him back. As for making myself less available since I broke it off the first time he’s only really asked to see me once all the other times where me asking him.

 

Those who compared my current station it to an affair. I never thought about like that but it kind of does feel like that at times. It might be a little more intense then my affair ever was the feeling I get when I’m around him is indescribable but when I leave him I fall so much harder knowing he’s going to share that with someone else kills me. Then I start to wonder if their prettier, better, younger. It makes me feels worthless.

 

Thanks again for all the comments they do help

 

I'm unclear as to what confuses you. Can you explain that?

 

If you feel used by having sex with the man that doesn't trust you then stop having sex with him. What's so hard about that concept?

[jnel921]

Softie... Welcome back... I think the answer is simple.

 

You tell him you love him too much to be I this situation again. (Multiple partners) if he loves you he will understand as this is what ended your M.

 

If you want another go at it, this cannot be the foundation of how it begins.

 

I don't agree that you accept anything just to have a part of him. You feel cheap because you have penis. Not his heart which is what you really want.

 

Don't be afraid to back away. If he feels the same he will come back with honorable intentions.

 

Good luck.

[stillafool]

Sophie, it's over. I know it must really hurt and you're hoping for winning your ex-husband back.

 

Sadly, genuine remorse isn't enough sometimes. Let him go.

 

You've divorced but in your mind you haven't accepted that it's really over. By putting yourself in the situation as a FWB is not healthy for either of you.

 

Let him go, wish him the best. You will mourn the loss, but life goes on. it's time for you to heal and move on too.

 

I have to agree with the above. It's over. I would think the point of sleeping with him whenever he wanted, accepting that he is sleeping around with others, waiting, begging and choosing true remorse was your way of preventing a divorce. He divorced you anyway and to me it just seems he's getting his revenge while having fun with other women. Who knows he could be wining and dining another woman, not jumping in bed with her right away because he wants to make her his special lady, all the while getting his sexual needs met thru Sofie. I feel he is just using Sofie and has no intention of remarrying her. If he still had an ounce of love left and felt he had a chance to rekindle his marriage he would not have divorced. He isn't going to go through all the trouble of divorce just to turn around and remarry again. It sounds like he's enjoying being a bachelor. Sofie you should start dating other men and say no to your ex when it comes to sex. This is the only way you are going to be able to tell exactly how he feels about you in present day.

[No Limit]

As for making myself less available since I broke it off the first time he’s only really asked to see me once all the other times where me asking him.

 

That changes the whole dynamic. Sorry but, he's enjoying the ego boost, but that's it. It's done. Let him go, and yourself heal.

[whatatangledweb]

Hi Sophie, I had wondered what had been happening to you. I can see how you would feel used even though you like the sex. Have you asked him out? Maybe start with something with the kids ? I believe your husband does love you. He didn't consider anything or try to work it out but went straight to a divorce. Yet he was having sex with you until the divorce.

 

He may be slowly seeing if you changed and working out his feelings for you. You say most times you ask him over so ask him for dates. No pressure just say the kids and I are doing this, would you like to go with us? If he goes a few times and he may say no sometimes, try asking him for a date. You can try to make the relationship more without feeling used or pressuring him.

 

You know him best. Look at how he speaks to you, looks at you, only you can see if you believe he loves you. None of us can. I know so many of us were pulling for you. After the affair you did everything any of us BS could have asked for. Your husband refused to look then , he may be finally looking. All that being said, don't continue just wanting for him to make the move and stay feeling used. No one should feel that way.

[Redheaded Mistress]

That changes the whole dynamic. Sorry but, he's enjoying the ego boost, but that's it. It's done. Let him go, and yourself heal.

 

That is an angle I hadn't considered... If he was doing it with no intention of commitment and maybe with the subtext of maybe exacting a little revenge.

[Friskyone4u]

Sophie,

From what you are saying you believe your husband is not having any problem dating and finding sex with other women as well as you. So if that is the case, where he does not need you for sex as if he could not get it elsewhere, I believe he still cares for you in more than just a sexual way.

That might not translate into getting back with you; as your affair and all the lying may make it impossible for him to get there, but if what you did still repulsed him completely he could satisfy his needs with others and maintain a nothing but cordial co-parenting relationship with you.

The dark side could be he is using you as a sex toy to get back at you. Time ai guess will tell on that one.

You know he is dating . Do you tell him about your interactions with other men at this point? If so, what is his reaction?

[JS84]

Welcome back. Was thinking about you and your husband's story the other day.

[velvette]

Sophie,

 

The problem with what you are doing now is that your hurt will eventually turn to resentment and destroy the love that you feel for your exH.

 

I don't agree that you should date other people if your goal is to try to resurrect your M. You're not ready and its not fair to the people you would date. And, that's not a game you should be playing with your ex. You don't have to date others to show him you value yourself and are worth him working for/with to salvage your R.

 

The more you value yourself, the more your exH is likely to value you.

 

I would be totally honest with him and tell him that you would give anything to resurrect your M, that you love him, but that you cant sleep with him while he is sleeping with others. Acknowledge that you understand the irony of you saying that after having an A and that you now more fully understand his pain, but that you just cant do it.

 

Then, make yourself the most fabulous you you can be and interact with him on whatever terms you are comfortable.

 

Meet all his most important needs except sex. Cook his favorite meals and invite him for dinner. Include him with things with the kids.

 

Remind him of what he has lost by divorcing you.

 

Give yourself a timeline or trust that you will know when you cant wait any longer and need to let him go with love.

 

Make yourself the most attractive option he has and let him chase you instead of you chasing him.

 

Whether other women are younger prettier sexier doesn't matter. You have the advantage of history, his children, knowing him inside out, and some feeling on his part or he wouldn't still be engaging with you beyond the kids.

 

Be true to yourself. Let him know you love him and let him come to you or not.

[2.50 a gallon]

velvette and others.

 

 

Lots of fancy word and ideals. At this time they mean nothing to him.

The problem with the history is she cheated on him. The hurt and pain of that will take at least a year and most likely a lot longer to begin to soften

I do not have the words to describe how deeply I loved my ExW. Nor do I have the words to describe how deeply the pain the humiliation she inflicted upon my soul.

I would count my lucky stars that he is able to have sex with you. This was not a ONS, but and on going affair.

My ExW would have done anything to get me to reconcile. But there was no way I could ever kiss, hold or make love to her again. I took me a good year before I could get the images of her doing another man out of my head so that I could have normal loving sex again. How can you kiss the lips of your lover knowing she was giving BJ's to the OM?

"Let him come to you or not". She already knows the answer will be Not.

[JustJoe]

The other alternative is that she says that it's hurting her self-respect to keep going on the path they are and if they're going to try and do this over, they're going to do it in a way where both people aren't miserable... And when he's ready to do that, he can come find her.

 

Doing everything better than the other women is only a head game that will make her crazy because comparing yourself to faceless others to be "better than them is pointless... You'll always lose and you'll be paranoid about failure... And it's something he won't notice. He'll still plant his flag elsewhere, he may even say "she's not as good as you," but he'll still go.

 

Then her feelings, all she put up with, the hit to her pride and not moving on, it was for nothing but a bed-buddy that never wanted a relationship in the first place. Better to say you want a relationship and to have him come back when he does too than be the sole player in an invisible contest of losing.

 

Wouldn't you be horrified if somebody here told a BS who wanted to reconcile with a wayward who maybe didn't that what they need to do is just be a better lay than the other person their wayward is with?

Sorry, but she has already said that she is happy in a FWB relationship, so the only issue is the exclusivity.

[JustJoe]

Hello sophie,

I found a lot of the comments revolting in this thread. People who love to take delight in reminding others they have fallen. I haven't read your story but it appears you cheated, were caught and then divorced. All this talk about you not deserving to make demands and your exhuband healing is bitter vengence. When your husband ended the marriage it was no longer your responsibility to be there for him. He is in charge of his own action and just because you cheated doesn't mean you have to continue you to sell your self worth. If you don't want to be a notch on a bed post. Don't be. Be a strong woman who doesn't bend over and take it just to desperately try to get back someone who is at this point only using you to "reclaim his manhood", "keep you on th hook", fix his problems in an unhealthy way. You may in fact be hindering his healing as well playing this little game.

 

You have every right in the world to make demands. You are an equal human being to your husband. And by demands I mean setting boundaries. Being honest and telling him you are not cut out to be in an nonexclusive relationship. People will want to keep you in the dirt kissing your ex's feet and tell you, you thew exclusitivity out the window when you cheated. And they are right. And you know what your then H did? He divorced you and said inclusive relationships were not for him. I realize fully there was lies and betrayals involved as well. But that wouldn't make accepting lies and betrayals from him okay so why is it okay to accept this when it is clearly bothering you? Like someone said it isn't about right or wrong it is about you looking after yourself, being honest and setting boundaries. Things you have EVERY right to do.

 

No one should be so desperate for someone else that they sacrifice their self worth. I should know this because unlike you I am still in the dirt. But i doesn't mean I can't encourage other people to be proud and tall.

 

One last thing, others are suggesting a story for you to read. I wouldn't pattern my life after that couple. Being a depository for 5 years is not healthy. It isn't a route I would recommend anyone to take. It smacks of desperation for a woman and a man who has supreme arrogence and not someone I would ever encourage anyone to be in a relationship with.

In what way is her exH lying and betraying Sofie? BK, you are projecting. Her ex has done nothing wrong, and is well within his rights to date anybody he chooses. We are only trying to help Sofie find a way to define her relationship with him and preserve her self-esteem, without doing what you are by vilifying her EX. As another poster said this isn't about who is right or wrong, it is about making this relationship work.

[JustJoe]

I think you should risk losing him and be honest and tell him how it feels. Remember how you didn't associate your affair to the effect it would have on the children. Right now he doesn't see that by using you as a sex toy he is harming your self esteem which effects his children. But unless you tell him how it makes you feel he will have no idea. I know you are afraid of losing him for good. But your self esteem is far more important than having him in your life.

This isn't your call to make, is it? this is Sofie's call. She knows what she wants, and what it is worth to her. she isn't a child.

[JustJoe]

I get it. Still doesn't mean she can't have personal boundaries as part of her growth. Letting him know that she hurts to bad in this situation is a lot better than selling her self worth on the off chance he might smile her way. She is allowed to say no. And I think in the spirit of open and hoenst communication she should tell him why. Some people cannot do what she is doing now. No one should be making her feel guilty or like she should ignore how it makes her feels.

It is perfectly OK for Sofie to have boundaries, but it is NOT OK for her to presume to set HIS personal boundaries. To be frank, it is a little late in the game for her to assume the role of the victim. She and her ex are divorced, so they are both free agents, and IF she wants her EX back, she will have to woo HIM, not the other way around. Because she is the one who broke it, she HAS to be the one to fix it.

[JustJoe]

So she has to whore herself out to get her dream house? That is what people are talking here and pressuring her into. Sexual manipulation and selling her body on the off chance that he might give her a second chance? How is this whole thing good for her children?

Nobody is saying she has to be a "whore". You really like to project, don't you. Because she cheated, she has to be BETTER than before, in every way, Why should he accept anything less, or why should he accept the status quo?. That is the bottom line. She can expect that she needs to do the heavy lifting and should be OK with it, if she has any true remorse at all. Her posts are complaining about how he doesn't woo her as much as the other women, and how it makes her feel, and it is still all about Sofie, when it should be all about her EX.

[goodyblue]

Nobody is saying she has to be a "whore". You really like to project, don't you. Because she cheated, she has to be BETTER than before, in every way, Why should he accept anything less, or why should he accept the status quo?. That is the bottom line. She can expect that she needs to do the heavy lifting and should be OK with it, if she has any true remorse at all. Her posts are complaining about how he doesn't woo her as much as the other women, and how it makes her feel, and it is still all about Sofie, when it should be all about her EX.

 

Sophie has an affair. It is disastrous. They divorce bit continue sexual relations. She is heart broken over her ex having other women. All that is said. But where is it written that she should become a non entity? That she should be endlessly punished? That sge deserves no better than this? You? How can you say it is not Black Knight's call to make, then make it YOUR call?

 

Sophie. Nobody should be treated like they do not matter. We, those involved in the affair, did do that to others at that time, but being punished forever, having our esteem and self worth ripped out cannot repair that. It takes TWO working in tandem to fix a broken relationship. Not a parent child relationship where one doles out the punishment and the other just takes it.

 

I will tell you if it were me i would walk. But only you can decide for yourself. I hope you see the value in who you are and realize there can be happy relationships without games and misery. I wish some sense of peace for you and hope you can come to a place where you will do what is best for you.

[Sub]

Nobody should be treated like they do not matter. We, those involved in the affair, did do that to others at that time, but being punished forever, having our esteem and self worth ripped out cannot repair that. It takes TWO working in tandem to fix a broken relationship.

 

This is true. I don't get the sense she's being treated poorly in this case, however. By her own admission, he treats her great when they're together. And it sounds like she's inititiating most of the time. He may be most guilty of not cutting her off and indvertantly getting her hopes up. But I think this is more about how Sofie's dealing with the new dynamic than her exH.

[Blackknight]

Sorry, but she has already said that she is happy in a FWB relationship, so the only issue is the exclusivity.

 

Do you know what a FWB is? It is friends with benefits. It is friends, just friends, who have sex for fun. No strings and no exclusiveness. So smarty pants, how is this a fwb thing when sophie is in love with him and bothered by him having sex with other people.

 

She is hurting in a fwb with the man she loves. Ergo, she isn't cut out for fwb with this man. Why are you so determined that she continue down this path of self destruction? And btw, I see you ignore the non cheaters who have encouraged her to stop hurting herself. Guess I am an easy target, huh.