Back again

[DKT3]

That’s what I plan to do. I won’t call or try to contact him anymore. I’m stepping back a bit. If he chooses to see me then he can reach out to me and if he does then I will go he’s done it before. If chooses not to then there really isn’t anything left to discus. I just go move on if that’s the case.

 

That sounds like a decent enough plan. Does he know that you want to be together again? I think is very important that he knows.

[Chi townD]

Another thing that could be happening is that you are now divorced.

 

 

Your husband knew that you were trying EVERYTHING to save the marriage. You would do anything, say anything to make it work. He knew that all he had to do was ask or something and you would do it without question because you wanted the marriage and, to be honest, it was no great secret to him.

 

 

But, now you're divorced. You are no longer together. Now, he might be seeing that you have accepted what has happened and you are starting to find your own individuality. Starting to walk down your own path. Starting to become less and less dependent on him. Starting to go your own way. And that scares the hell out of him to think that you'll, one day, not need him anymore. Therefore, he flirts with you and sleeps with you to keep you on the line. Keeps you interested. And unsure if he's giving you hope or is he just giving you some false hope. Which, it's making it harder for you to move on.

 

 

I don't think he's doing it on purpose. But, the facts are the facts. He divorced you, you don't owe anything to him right now. Believe me, I've seen you try. But, it's over now. Time to start looking out for yourself and those kids. If you can continue to co-parent with him, GREAT! But, until he does some massive soul searching, that's all it should be.

[Spectre]

Eh, I don't think this is about him being afraid she won't need him. I think this is about simply..his way of showing her there is zero chance they will ever get back together.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I have always agreed with almost everything you have posted and you are one of my favorite posters. With that said I don’t agree with this it true we all get bored and complacent in life and pretty sure I’m going to feel that way again but that’s doesn’t mean I’m going to go out and have an affair to find what I want . I had a lot of different options I could have chosen to have done but I choose to cheat but that’s doesn’t mean I will do it again. If I very feel like I’m in that position again the last thing I will do is go and have an affair.

 

What’s different now, I now know what I’m capable of doing . I know the kind of selfish person I can be. I never thought I would be a cheater but I was. And I hate that I was that person and I refuse to be that person again and I won’t be.

 

I concede that having an affair again was a wrong choice of words that I used. However, you still haven chosen a path that is not healthy for Sophie.

 

People often mistake healthy with what we want, what makes us feel good in the moment or easiest.

 

I think backing off is a good start.

 

Good to see you have put in some boundaries for yourself.

[TrustedthenBusted]

My wife cheated on me, and I decided to stay and work things out. If we ever ended up apart, and she became an FWB, that is all she would ever be to me again. She would get moved into booty-call status, and I'm betting the sex would be better, because I'd be far less inhibited that I was while married.

 

My experience is this: If a man sleeps with a woman, but he doesn't care if she is also sleeping with other men - he probably doesn't care if she gets hit by a bus either.

 

When we love a woman, we want her to ourselves, and go crazy primal, thinking about her being with anyone else.

 

So... my advice, based on the limited info, is to move on, and find someone who wants you all to himself.

[Sofie2013]

I was going to open a new thread but I decided to post it here. So yesterday I went grocery shopping with my boys. As we were shopping around my kids start going a little crazy so I turn around and see what’s going on when I look up I see my friend the wife of my exMM. She starts to walk towards me first I’m a little scared but she comes to me says hit being very nice. We start talking for about 15 minutes or so just catching up with each other, since we haven’t really talked since I told her about the affair. We talk a little about everything. As we are talking she tells did divorce her husband the Exmm. She stared dating someone new and he actually asked her to marry him. She actually has been engaged for about two weeks. She talked about how great he was. She looked so happy and she looked amazing. We both kind wanted some more but we had to cut short. We did exchange contact info so I hope we can be some kind of friends in the future. She really was a great friend and helped me so much. I really hate myself for what I did to here but I’m so happy she found her own happiness in all of this.

 

I thought would like that. It just goes to show that good things can come out of really bad situation.

[carhill]

Good story OP, regarding the chance meeting. To me, that's called 'moving on'. It's a choice. Glad to read it's working out.

[Sofie2013]

I concede that having an affair again was a wrong choice of words that I used. However, you still haven chosen a path that is not healthy for Sophie.

 

People often mistake healthy with what we want, what makes us feel good in the moment or easiest.

 

I think backing off is a good start.

 

Good to see you have put in some boundaries for yourself.

 

 

Yeah I know this situation isn’t the healthiest one for me. I know I probably should end it. I don’t know I just kind want to see were this takes me.

 

Plus the way things are going now I don’t really know if he wants to see me like that anymore. He hasn’t really made any attempt to talk to me unless it’s about the kids. So maybe all of this was hurting just as much. Maybe it is best we end. Just have to wait and see.

[harrybrown]

Still rooting for you and your H. He did take a very hard blow that takes years to deal with the pain and loss of self-esteem.

 

Sometimes he may be scared to get back with you and is seeing some of the other women to help his self-esteem.

 

Hope you and your boys will find peace and maybe someday the happiness that you desire. Your hurt from seeing him with others is a small comparison of the hurt the BS feels from the spouse's A.

[HereNorThere]

If you aren't willing put in YEARS to win him back, you're right, it's done, over, finished. I can't believe you are acting so negatively when you are actually getting what you want, a chance to win him back over.

 

I think you just don't like the dynamic. You want to be chased, not chase after someone, but that's not how this works. When you broke it, you have to fix it. This could take years, not months, years!

 

And you don't find it the least bit ironic that sex with the father of your children could make you feel "used" but having sex with your friend's husband didn't? C'mon, people have sex and especially people who have been in a sexual relationship for years. You aren't a teenage girl being pressured by a college guy, you're a grown ass woman who enjoys sex like everyone else. At this point, having sex with your ex-husband shouldn't be much different than having dinner with him.

 

Ughh..Arghh!! Your first post should have read something like-

 

"OMG you guys, my husband is finally coming around. We've been meeting for coffee, having sex, texting sometimes and he even initiated it once! I really feel like I may have a chance with him now. Sure, I can't count on that, but at least I have a chance now. I am thankful for every moment I can spend with him and happy to have him in my life so soon after everything happened. Maybe I can show him how much I have changed and how willing I am to work on our relationship."

 

un-freaking-grateful

[Spectre]

Did we travel to another planet or something? Why do people think the fact this guy is screwing Sophie again means she is on the slow road to winning him back? You realized how insane that sounds when you factor in *he is also sleeping with other women* right?

 

I think you are getting her hopes up that this means something it doesn't. It really just sounds like the husband is screwing Sophie and has also learned to at least be cordial with her. That to me says he is moving on from her..not that he is slowly getting ready to get back together with her. He kind of wouldn't be sleeping around if he wanted to get back together with her.

 

You are essentially telling her she should just continue to sleep with the ex even though he is still sleeping with other women. Why is this a good idea? Do you think this somehow endears her to him? Like "oh my wife knows I am banging other women but still doesn't care, so loving!" or something?

Edited October 23, 2014 by Spectre

[sidney2718]

Sophie:

 

It is good to hear from you again. I'm sorry that I've been out of town for over a week or I'd have commented earlier.

 

First and foremost, you are a human being and entitled to have self-respect. If you feel that you don't have it, then you are probably doing something wrong.

 

Second, I don't recall you ever saying that your ex-husband was a mean or nasty person. But he does have his own self-respect. You disrespected him and he punished you for it. But there is no doubt that he still feels something for you. Perhaps it is just the sex? Or perhaps it is the knowledge that you will still have sex with him?

 

Third, no matter what you choose to do, you may lose him. You have to accept that.

 

What to do? I've more or less read the entire thread up to this point. Your current plan seems to be a good one -- withdraw from him a bit. Of course you will still be talking to him about the children. I know you won't stop that and you should not stop that. Your kids are over and above this situation and it seems that he realizes it too.

 

Withdrawing a bit might cause him to drop you. In that case there never was much hope anyway. Or it might cause him to work a bit harder. That's a test of how much he really does like you. But withdrawing a bit doesn't mean stopping everything. Perhaps if someone in your family will take the boys for a night you could find a reasonable excuse for inviting him to dinner. It will, at least, give you a chance for some general conversation of the sort you used to have. And if things work out you could invite him to your place for dessert.

 

I agree with those who say that reconciliation, if that is to happen, will be slow. And yes, you do have competition. Why should he pick you when he can have some nice young woman tire him out in bed?

 

The answer is that sex isn't everything in a relationship. Can he talk to the nice young woman about problems with his job the way he did with you? Does he have a history with them to talk about? And the best of all, you are the mother of his children and he cares about them a lot.

 

So the story isn't over. You have to decide what to do. Just don't rush. Amazing things could happen yet!

[Spectre]

*shakes head* How many people are going to keep encouraging the OP to stay on this utter train wreck of a course? He is banging the OP and other women, what amazing things do you feel are likely to occur that allow the OP to get her H back while also keeping her self respect?

 

Look I get it, a lot of people are rooting for Sophie, but they are rooting for the wrong things. They root for the H to take her back because *that is what the OP wants* instead of realizing maybe that isn't what she needs. But no..just keep beating this dead horse with a stick. I'm sure the husband is secretly wanting to get back with her and that is obviously why he makes it known to her he is sleeping around. Just pure 100% love all around.

[LovDC]

I don’t really need that much attention I know it might seem like I do going off my post and thread that I have posted. I really don’t need that much to be happy I like most girls I want to feel special with the guy I am with I don’t think that’s that bad. Now given what’s going I can’t really expect.

 

I wouldn’t say the relationship I have with my husband is new and exciting. It is fun I do enjoy the time we have together I always have. I do get a rush when I’m around but that’s not really new either. I still till this catch butterflies. And I always have been super attractive to him that’s hasn’t changed. A big reason I still want to see him is to comfort and the way he makes me feel when I’m around him things just seem to be easier and everything I’m going through just seem to despair.

 

A big reason why I think I was turned on by the way he was acting then was because he hadn’t shown me that side of him in a while. I think he might have lost that during our marriage.

 

Thanks for responding to my post, Sofie. That's precisely my point. Now that your exH is not available to you, you're having these butterfly feelings for him. I bet you didn't feel that way about him before and during your affair...

 

Anyway, just a couple more observations. You mentioned in one of your earlier threads that your exH was your first everything. Could that have contributed to the affair, since you never got to explore what's out there?

 

Going forward, I won't be surprised if your exH and you have this type of relationship on and off. He may come to you for a while, and then back off, and come back again, etc. My gut feeling tells me that, in his heart, your exH still has feelings for you and enjoys being with you. On the other hand, his head is probably thinking getting back with you may not be such a sensible thing.

 

Finally, based on your description, your exH went through much growing up, and now he has to experience the most traumatic betrayal by the person he is supposed to trust most. If he ever gets into a serious relationship again, he will need someone who has the capacity to understand him emotionally; and obviously, that someone has to love him enough to have the patience of the world to break into his emotional shell.

[Sofie2013]

I know some think continuing this relationship is not a good idea and I might end getting hurt, I kind of have to agree with those who think that. It’s probably going to end up happening anyway. I’m ok with that. But no can tell he doesn’t have some kind of feeling for me still. Will that be enough to get back together probably not but who knows I still have to try. Besides the way I’m going about now will only happen if he wants to see if he doesn’t well then I will leave him alone and keep any contact we have about the kids. It doesn’t mean I plan to do for the rest of my life or even the rest of the month. If I wake up tomorrow and I feel is relationship isn’t something I want any more then will stop and focus on moving on completely. For the here and now I think this is what’s best for me. I’m still going to try to do my own thing and to start to rebuild my life again. I already stared but I put it on hold when we stared this thing up that was my mistake.

 

Besides it might not even be a problem anymore. My ex-husband hasn’t tried to contact and start it up again. Only kind of commutation we have is about the kids. At this point things look like it’s over. I also did a few things to make sure I know nothing about the women his seeing. Its worked so far.

[drifter777]

Sophie - the thing that will probably end your FWB relationship is that he will meet a woman and fall in love with her.

 

I hope you are still seeing a counselor. Your view of all this demonstrates immaturity and a failure to understand delayed gratification. You want what you want and you want it right now. You are willing to risk everything (your affair), humiliate yourself (FWB with exH), and then scramble in a panic to "fix" everything when it isn't working for you. Until you can appreciate that true happiness is worth working for - even when it means taking the harder road - you will not be happy in your life.

[sidney2718]

I know some think continuing this relationship is not a good idea and I might end getting hurt, I kind of have to agree with those who think that. It’s probably going to end up happening anyway. I’m ok with that. But no can tell he doesn’t have some kind of feeling for me still. Will that be enough to get back together probably not but who knows I still have to try. Besides the way I’m going about now will only happen if he wants to see if he doesn’t well then I will leave him alone and keep any contact we have about the kids. It doesn’t mean I plan to do for the rest of my life or even the rest of the month. If I wake up tomorrow and I feel is relationship isn’t something I want any more then will stop and focus on moving on completely. For the here and now I think this is what’s best for me. I’m still going to try to do my own thing and to start to rebuild my life again. I already stared but I put it on hold when we stared this thing up that was my mistake.

 

Besides it might not even be a problem anymore. My ex-husband hasn’t tried to contact and start it up again. Only kind of commutation we have is about the kids. At this point things look like it’s over. I also did a few things to make sure I know nothing about the women his seeing. Its worked so far.

 

I think this is a good attitude. Keep it up. And remember, though we here may disagree with each other, we are on your side.

[atreides]

((sophie)) so glad you are back...! I have not read the whole of this thread so if it has already been said... i apologize for the repeat.

 

First, I knew your H was not done with you...but what he is doing now is not healthy.

 

At this point, you have paid your dues, thus he gets no special prize. you need to let go of the old relationship as in to "re-kindle"... NO. You need to start over, completely over... he gets no access, you need to treat this the best to your ability as a new relationship as you would with any other new guy. Your H should not have easy access just because of history and perhaps some lingering guilt you have and your desire to "re-kindle."

 

As we say to the betrayed, the same works for any relationship really... "you cannot nice him back." This is actually inherit to any new relationship you would start with someone else. They would have to earn their way in.

 

So, how to stop the old and start a new is exactly as others have suggested. It is time for a talk and then setting the rules from that point out. Yes you may lose him, but you may not. As i said above, i always had the feeling he was not going to leave even when it looked like he would.

 

He cannot have his cake and eat too, if he wants you, then he will have to put in the time as he would with any other new relationship.

[Friskyone4u]

Sophie

 

I agree with Atreides. You are right. He does have feelings for you still . But you are shortchanging yourself by letting him "cake eat" and not having you with any work on his part . You are using sex as a way to hold on, so why should he feel he needs to earn that gift from you. Not saying not to be intimate with him but there should be some conversation of what he is feeling.

I don't think you will really get hurt. If nothing changes you will be tired at some point of being a " booty call".

The real danger is if you meet another man you like, and that can happen even if you say you are not looking. The. What do you do if you and ex H are still emotionally and sexually connected in some way.?

Then you may wind up being a cheater again! That would not be good but it would be hard to stop.

A difficult dilemma for sure

[Sofie2013]

I hope everyone had a happy Thanks giving. Mine was pretty good a spent it with my whole family and my kids. The only bad part was my ex wasn’t with us. It kind of bothered me to whole day and rest of the week. It hurt knowing he was probably by himself during the holiday when he could have and should have been with us. It just made me feel really guilty and I started thinking about all the pain that’s I’ve caused. When we married I became part of my family it was something I was able to give him. That was something I gave him and I took that from him. It was one of the hundreds of thing I have taken from him without thinking about. I hate myself for what I did to him.

[NateGrey]

After reading all this, Sophie- take the advice of your avatar, live in the present and move on from your ex.

[SawtoothMars]

I hope everyone had a happy Thanks giving. Mine was pretty good a spent it with my whole family and my kids. The only bad part was my ex wasn’t with us. It kind of bothered me to whole day and rest of the week. It hurt knowing he was probably by himself during the holiday when he could have and should have been with us. It just made me feel really guilty and I started thinking about all the pain that’s I’ve caused. When we married I became part of my family it was something I was able to give him. That was something I gave him and I took that from him. It was one of the hundreds of thing I have taken from him without thinking about. I hate myself for what I did to him.

 

You need to find a way to forgive yourself.

 

I can understand his choice, but at some point he needs to forgive you too.

[Clay]

I think time is your friend now. Sadly when I went through with my divorce it really was my only friend. I hated it but in the end I have come to appreciate it.

 

You will heal you just have to be patient.

 

Clay

[aliveagain]

Sofie2013, it's a nice day to start over again.

[georgia girl]

Sophie,

 

 

I don't know your relationship with your husband, but would it be so impossible to talk to him honestly about how you feel. Could you say something along the lines of, "Listen, I know that you know I still love you and I know that my love may not be welcome. I'm also guessing that you're not in a place right now to think about a future for us. I get that and I respect that. But, to be honest, being physically close to you is really too hard on me. I do love you and I want to be intimate with you - desperately and a lot (little smile here). But, I also know that it may set me up for too much hurt. I think that what I want you really can't give me. I may have forever lost my chance for that. But, I'd like you to think about if you ever could. And if you could, don't bother to call me, mister, just get your butt over here. In the meantime, let's be really good friends and awesome parents. It's going to kill me to see you date, but it will destroy me to see you date someone else while being intimate with me. And ultimately, just like I killed your feelings for me, you dating while being intimate with me will end up destroying my feelings for you. So, for the time being, can we just look and not touch? And if you ever want to date me, will you give me a call?"

 

 

I think this is an honest, non-threatening way to let him know the door is open for him if he wants to date you openly and honestly. But, that the FWB just isn't enough. I'll let other posters chime in, but I think what I'm suggesting is a healthy way to start setting some boundaries in your new relationship with him. You two are still navigating around each other. He's going to look to set ground rules as much as you are. You guys will figure this out. But, it takes this hard work and awkward conversations to get there.

 

 

Best of luck, GG