Ex gf cheated on me - has the perspective I should win her back?!

[Mark12345q]

Thanks guys for the advice. I'm now keeping all communication related to the house.

 

I did do a stupid thing a few days back though, she asked how I was doing. I said I'm doing brilliant and asked the same question back and didn't get a response. I'm not bothered but just pondered why the lack of response.

[Mark12345q]

Nevermind. I know it shouldn't matter what her lack of response means. It's not my problem and I don't actually care

 

Reading through all the response shows me just how good te advice on this site really is.

 

To all that posted a response to my messages I truly thank you for the great advice and support. I know that without using this site it would have been 50times more difficult to get through but having the chance to air my views and take outside perspectives has really helped me.

 

I still have up and down times where I miss her certain qualities but I know I couldn't ever and don't ever want her back and that is good enough for me!

 

Hopefully my house is going through this Friday and I can stop all contact for good.

 

Thank you all again!!

[Mark12345q]

Hi again,

 

Having a lot of problems with the ex and rather than contact I wanted to vent on here.

 

The ex is bombarding me with emails to try and get my attention, texting me from all sorts of different mobile numbers to tell me she misses me etc. I'm so tempted to message her back to tell her to leave me alone and she 'made her bed so she can stay in it'. I haven't but I'm very tempted...! It is breaking NC to ask her to stop messaging me?

 

The latest problem I have is my house sale is now at hitch with her lawyers now withdrawing the acceptance of my offer to buy her out... Now I don't know whether it's her lawyer playing games to earn more money from her if it's an attempt by her to again get my attention but it's really driving me mad!!!

 

I really don't want to talk to her directly but I feel I may have to with this latest house issue. Can you guys give me any advice on how to act with her?

[SoThatHappened]

Telling her to not contact you is reinforcing NC. Doesn't count as breaking it.

[Zahara]

Yes, telling her to stop contacting you is reinforcing NC.

 

There is no need to get into dramatics i.e. she made her bed so she can stay in it, etc. -- just get the point across. "Please stop contacting me. I do not wish to receive communication nor engage with you about any matters other than the sale of the home, and only if it is necessary."

[Mark12345q]

Ok thanks. My message to her was going to be:

 

We were never 'just friends' so why would I want that now. For me it was always all or nothing. You made your choice so stop contacting me.'

 

Can I get much clearer on that?

 

Regarding the talk I will need to have - how would you conduct yourself? I'm worried I'm going to show emotion which I don't want to do as she'll think I'm still hung up on her. (I'm not by the way (well I hope not!) she can say some nasty things which I tend to 'bite' onto)

[Zahara]

Ok thanks. My message to her was going to be:

 

We were never 'just friends' so why would I want that now. For me it was always all or nothing. You made your choice so stop contacting me.'

 

Can I get much clearer on that?

 

Enough of the drama. You're just fueling a back and forth with these emotional type of responses.

 

Regarding the talk I will need to have - how would you conduct yourself? I'm worried I'm going to show emotion which I don't want to do as she'll think I'm still hung up on her. (I'm not by the way (well I hope not!) she can say some nasty things which I tend to 'bite' onto)

 

Why do you need to talk to her? When my gf was dealing with the sale of her home, granted her ex was giving her a very hard time, she never made contact with him and finally a resolution was achieved. Keep working with your attorney.

[Mark12345q]

My response was to sothathappened's post but I agree and point taken zahara. The content of the emails/messages from her keep requesting 'friendship' and I wanted to just be as blatant as I could be that friendship is the furthest thing from my mind. But as you have mentioned, it will likely add to the amount of drama so I'll keep it short!

 

The need to contact her directly is due to being charged £30 per day for each day until this is resolved. Her lawyer has been causing quite a few unnecessary delays with this sale and it's only when I prompted her mother to chase it that things started moving again. The problem I have is her parents no longer wish to be involved and refused to respond to any requests I have sent which leaves me no other alternative.

(My own solicitors have already sent 3 letters requesting confirmation with no response)

 

I'm already struggling with money to the point where it's a possibility I won't be able to afford to pay my solicitors/brokers etc.

[Zahara]

If you have to contact her, do it over email where everything is documented. Keep it down to business and completely about the house. Keep your attorneys in the loop with all communication between you and her. Absolute NC when it comes to her talking about friendship and all the other baloney.

 

I doubt that by you just contacting her, she's going to quietly deal with the terms of the sale and move on. She's using the house as ransom.

[Mark12345q]

If you have to contact her, do it over email where everything is documented. Keep it down to business and completely about the house. Keep your attorneys in the loop with all communication between you and her. Absolute NC when it comes to her talking about friendship and all the other baloney.

 

Thanks for the advice, I'll make sure I do that!

 

 

I doubt that by you just contacting her, she's going to quietly deal with the terms of the sale and move on. She's using the house as ransom.

 

That's what I don't understand, ransom for what? I don't understand what she's hoping to achieve by doing that?

[Zahara]

That's what I don't understand, ransom for what? I don't understand what she's hoping to achieve by doing that?

 

She's desperate for your attention. She's holding the house ransom to get you to talk to her and give into her. It's her only lifeline to you.

[Mark12345q]

Well I've chased things up and it turns out it was the lawyer causing the delays.

 

Had me thinking it was to get my attention and it wasn't :-/ there's another fresh bruise to my ego!!

[johnson_j]

Well I've chased things up and it turns out it was the lawyer causing the delays.

 

Had me thinking it was to get my attention and it wasn't :-/ there's another fresh bruise to my ego!!

 

why in the HELL would you be trying to get her back if she's cheated on you?

[Mark12345q]

Please don't get me wrong, I don't want her back. It's just nice when you know you're wanted is all.

 

My confidence seems to be low lately, saw it as just a boost. I guess during the 'up and downs' I was expecting to hit, this is likely the 'down' part of the healing process.

 

Even as I'm writing this I really don't know why I'd want to see her as ego boost either!?

[MrBossMan]

Mark, please try to control your emotions around her because it's clear that she's exploiting the fact that you get carried away. Get the house thing taken care of and NC like it was the law. It may sound dramatic, but this person will destroy you. There are a million others just like her. Stop thinking about her. Just move on.

[Zahara]

Even as I'm writing this I really don't know why I'd want to see her as ego boost either!?

 

I hate to say this but how unfortunate for your girlfriend. I'd feel horrible if my boyfriend was still emotionally dented and affected by an ex. Just isn't right.

[Mark12345q]

Mark, please try to control your emotions around her because it's clear that she's exploiting the fact that you get carried away. Get the house thing taken care of and NC like it was the law. It may sound dramatic, but this person will destroy you. There are a million others just like her. Stop thinking about her. Just move on.

 

I know it's just so hard at the moment. Keep finding myself thinking about the what if's... Is it wrong that I want her to want me?

[Mark12345q]

I hate to say this but how unfortunate for your girlfriend. I'd feel horrible if my boyfriend was still emotionally dented and affected by an ex. Just isn't right.

 

You're right again zahara. I recognise I'm not ready for a new relationship just yet and I've called things off with her. It's not fair to her or me and I'd never want to be treated like that so I can't do it to her either.

 

Why do I still want her approval?!? It's completely messed up, I know it could never work but I just want her to want me just to help with my own confidence.

 

I really need to hear some hard truths just so I can understand why I shouldn't be pining for her again.

Edited November 9, 2014 by Mark12345q
Update

[Mark12345q]

Ok so I have a small update.

 

She recently got in touch with the usual breadcrumbs. However, Very recently a close friend of both of ours lost their partner to a heart attack. She got in touch to break the news which of course came as a shock.

 

She then starts to say 'life is too short - can we meet for a coffee?'. I stick to my guns and tell her I don't want to meet as I dont want to be friends.

 

This is where I should've stopped...

 

She responds saying - the time I shared with you was the most special in my life and we don't have to talk about any of this'.

 

I responded what's the point - I can't offer friendship.

 

Her response - 'I want you to treat me well and look after me like I deserve and it just never happened', then said I 'never game her chance or opportunity to explain'.

 

I told her that the fact she still thinks I should chase her back is laughable and that I will never ever chase her back and not to contact me again.

 

She responds by saying 'I didn't want you back anyway' then 2 hours later she sends another email 'I know you think I'm being hurtful but I am genuinely so confused and truly sorry for everything; I want you to know I'm not seeing anyone and I literally cry every time I see your name on an email. I will always love and I wish things could've been different'.

 

My last response was to reiterate no contact and to leave me be.

 

Is this just more breadcrumbs?!

 

I don't know why but I keep reading the posts on this forum and almost all breakups on here talk about how their ex has probably moved on to someone else. Yet people still give advice on how to reconcile.

 

I think this is why I for some reason still feel as though at the back of my mind there's still a chance. (I guess this is that 'drug' feeling!!)

 

I know conciously I need to forget about her and move on but my sub concious keeps telling me there's hope...

[Friskyone4u]

She has had the whole thing ass backwards from the beginning. She went off and banged her married boss. He dumped her, and now she is acting like the immature brat she is.

I would not even engage her in conversation. You know exactly what she did, when she did it. Now she is taking and old play out of Cheating 101 and recreating history to try to make you feel guilty.

Tell her to have a nice life and to think twice before banging someone else"s husband

[Zahara]

Hope for what? If you want to go back to a cheater, then go. If you hope to have a healthy relationship with someone that not only cheated but then manipulated you into thinking it was your fault and that the onus was on you to make it all right, then go.

 

You want to engage with her. You keep repeating the same thing in most of your posts -- "this is where I should have stopped" but you don't. What would be the point of updates? There's no update but just the same drama you choose to engage in. Until you create a boundary, and you stick to it nothing changes.

 

I've been cheated on, twice by the same person. I gave him a chance after he begged, groveled, chased -- because that is what cheaters do to get you back in their control. Not a day that went by I wasn't looking over my shoulder wondering if he was out cheating. It was no way to live. He did it again because you teach people how to treat you and when you take a cheater back, the lesson you teach them is that you tolerate being disrespected. It's one thing if she cheated and was remorseful and utterly devastated by her actions. Instead she turned it all on you. Wake up.

 

You met a respectable woman but you had to let her go. They're out there. Don't settle for someone and make bad decisions for yourself just because you're temporarily attached emotionally and because you're feeling the discomfort of an ending.It's easier to go back to familiarity rather than face the unknown. Chances are in a few months you'll realize it's the best thing you ever did for yourself. Unknown maybe scary but the opportunities are far more abundant than going back and stagnating with this smug woman.

 

PS: Instead of reading other threads, read your thread again, specifically your first post and remind yourself of who she REALLY is.

Edited November 12, 2014 by Zahara

[Mark12345q]

Hope for what? If you want to go back to a cheater, then go. If you hope to have a healthy relationship with someone that not only cheated but then manipulated you into thinking it was your fault and that the onus was on you to make it all right, then go.

 

You want to engage with her. You keep repeating the same thing in most of your posts -- "this is where I should have stopped" but you don't. What would be the point of updates? There's no update but just the same drama you choose to engage in. Until you create a boundary, and you stick to it nothing changes.

 

I've been cheated on, twice by the same person. I gave him a chance after he begged, groveled, chased -- because that is what cheaters do to get you back in their control. Not a day that went by I wasn't looking over my shoulder wondering if he was out cheating. It was no way to live. He did it again because you teach people how to treat you and when you take a cheater back, the lesson you teach them is that you tolerate being disrespected. It's one thing if she cheated and was remorseful and utterly devastated by her actions. Instead she turned it all on you. Wake up.

 

You met a respectable woman but you had to let her go. They're out there. Don't settle for someone and make bad decisions for yourself just because you're temporarily attached emotionally and because you're feeling the discomfort of an ending.It's easier to go back to familiarity rather than face the unknown. Chances are in a few months you'll realize it's the best thing you ever did for yourself. Unknown maybe scary but the opportunities are far more abundant than going back and stagnating with this smug woman.

 

PS: Instead of reading other threads, read your thread again, specifically your first post and remind yourself of who she REALLY is.

 

Wow, I guess I never really contemplated what things could/would be like if we actually got back together. Seeing things from your experience really helps it sink in.

 

I'll stop with the updates and allow you time to help others.

 

Thank you.

[Mark12345q]

Thanks guys, I do appreciate the responses and your right, until I actually implement NC it's pointless and I'll never move on.

 

I was her first long term relationship and I need to accept she will never change and I need to stop holding on to the 'possible' future I thought could have happened. This is my first break up being the dumpee which is the reason I'm finding it difficult but ill do exactly as you say and hopefully move on.

 

Here's hoping I find someone worthwhile!!

[Mark12345q]

Read your first post. Remind yourself of who she really is, because that is who she really is. Print it out. Infact write a bullet list. The next time you want to engage -- read it -- remember what she did to you, what she said to you, how she treated you, how it made you feel, almost visualize what was happening and maybe that will start pushing you in the right direction with helping you focus on your reality.

 

I've done this and it's massively helped me put things into perspective!! Makes me wonder Why the hell have I even given her any acknowledgement at all!? She really was a horrible person to me and the fact she's trying to string me along makes it all the more worse!

 

It's made me feel like breaking up with my new gf was a mistake. I know I did it as I wasn't quite ready but I'm worried I've ruined a perfectly good relationship by stressing over that cheater of an ex.

[STM206]

Cheaters will ALWAYS be sure to blame YOU for their deceitful ways. An honorable person would've stopped everything in its tracks and communicated their feelings to you and tried their hardest to work things out.

 

She sounds like a narcassist who truely doesn't hold herself accountable, only those around her. My ex had the same personalith traits. One minute you're their world - then the next you don't even know what state they live in.

 

Protect yourself and shut her out of your life. In time you'll start to see clearly the kind of person they were. You will also find someone better who deserves your energy and love.

 

These kind of people will never be happy, they will bounce around from relationship to relationship expecting their "partners" to "fix" everything and that's impossible.