Ex gf cheated on me - has the perspective I should win her back?!

[cmoney]

This is just my opinion, however having physical standards does nnot make you shallow. Research indicates that men and women love differently. Men are visual creatures, woman are more emotional. Should your whole relationship be based on looks? I would say no because looks fade. However, we all have standards about what we would like our significant other to look like.

 

Personally speaking, I have met women whom i thought were "ok" pphysically, got to know them and they looked better physically. Conversely, I have met woman who I thought were beautiful on the outside, but were just mean. Consequently, I did not find them that attractive anymore.

 

To sum it all up, no I do not believe it makes you shallow to like certain physical traits. When it is all said and done, you are the one that needs to be happy. Just keep in mind that you may not find a woman with ALL the physical traits you covet. Consequently, you need to decide what you can live with and what you cannot.

[Mark12345q]

Ok so a small update - I'm now 4 weeks into NC and been doing amazing

 

However, my ex decides to turn up at my offices to give my team some sweets for xmas. I try my best to not go anywhere near her and keep myself busy on the phones but my call doesn't last that long. So now I'm sat in my office while the whole of my team go and say hello and xmas.

 

I'm so angry!! No warning. Just turns up out of the blue!!! Wtf is wrong with her..!?!?

 

I don't know how my manner came across by trying to avoid having to talk to her (or even look at her).

 

Sorry for te rant. Just needed to get it out of my system

[Chi townD]

Did she try to acknowledge you? Try to talk to you or walk by your desk one too many times?

[EgoJoe]

It could have not been about you which would show her callousness. I haven't read this thread but in the title alone it's a train wreck. Run far away from this selfish person.

[Mark12345q]

Did she try to acknowledge you? Try to talk to you or walk by your desk one too many times?

 

Well there's 2 entries to my offices an she know the 2nd door takes you straight into my office (which is the door she took). No she didn't try to acknowledge me but in all fairness I didn't give her much chance to

[Mark12345q]

It could have not been about you which would show her callousness. I haven't read this thread but in the title alone it's a train wreck. Run far away from this selfish person.

 

I hope that's the case too. I wouldn't ever go back to her, not after what she did. I'm just more angry of the impromptu showing. Her friend works for me so she could just as easy let her know she was coming so I could make myself scarce.

[bjcoenen]

I still can't believe I found your post here man. Im not going to repeat what's happening to me right now is the exact and I mean exact same even to the run to parents after she was caught 3 miles from her new job with someone she'd been cheating on me with for the last year. Only problem I'm really having is we have a 4 year old son who is my entire world and was diagnosed with autism this past sept (he's non verbal but the smartest most loving kid you would ever meet). And we had been together for 5 years almost to the day she ran to mom and dad's exactly 3 weeks ago, has been ignoring me, taking my son and we were engaged for just about 2 years. She is ignoring me and I begged and texted like a psycho and blaming everything on myself and the only times she has responded to me was if it concerned her "things" (no lie, the very first time she contacted me 3 days after going to her parents, she wanted to know if I could drop off her (salon bought shampoo and conditioner bottles for her) she had never had a job as she was in school getting her degree the first 4 years, then got her first real job this past June. But I'm not doing the whole who paid for what because she's the mother of my son. This has been the biggest emotional up down all around roller coaster that I can't even try to explain it to friends and family. Seeing your story has been a godsend man. I wish you the best.

[Ieris]

I don't know why but after reading all of this, I can't stop feeling sorry for the "new gf" you gave up on... around page 5, I actually thought you'd just move on with her but then reaching this end page, your mind is still wrapped around your ex.

 

You say you don't want your ex back and all but I wonder if you secretly do? You don't have to answer me... You just answer to yourself...

[Mark12345q]

I don't know why but after reading all of this, I can't stop feeling sorry for the "new gf" you gave up on... around page 5, I actually thought you'd just move on with her but then reaching this end page, your mind is still wrapped around your ex.

 

You say you don't want your ex back and all but I wonder if you secretly do? You don't have to answer me... You just answer to yourself...

 

There will always be a part of me that will pine for my ex. I was with her for 4 years and although she turned out to be a complete idiot I didn't feel it was right to stay with a girl when I couldn't put my all into.

 

Would you stay with someone who still had feelings for their ex?

 

Anyway I'm on here as I'm using it to record my time getting over my ex rather than do something stupid.

 

I have completely blocked contact but a part of me did wonder if she would ever try to get me back. I know I wouldnt ever go back there but it would've been nice to know she did actually has 'some' feelings for me after such a long period.

 

I know it sounds like I only want an ego boost but I know it's not. It feels like the down part to the spiral of feeling you go through as part of a break up.

 

Man it's hard!!! Hats off to anyone that can do this so easily

[Sucker for Love]

She is a self-involved, narcissistic, spoiled brat. She doesn't deserve that kind of devotion and will never learn or change her ways. You are a guy right? You don't have to worry about a biological clock, then. Unless a doctor said you had some reason you were running out of time you could have kids when you are 90, it would just be a matter of finding a young enough woman who wanted to get knocked up by a 90 year old man, lol. There are plenty of door mats out there, and plenty of dirty boots. She doesn't need to muck you up, and if not a healthy girl, you want a fellow door-mat. If you are dirty boots, your only possible option for not ruining someone else's life is to find another pair of dirty boots. Thank goodness you don't have to worry about that.

 

 

p.s. A lot of people on here write like they are from the UK, I've noticed. Is that where this site is based? Just curious

[Mark12345q]

She is a self-involved, narcissistic, spoiled brat. She doesn't deserve that kind of devotion and will never learn or change her ways. You are a guy right? You don't have to worry about a biological clock, then. Unless a doctor said you had some reason you were running out of time you could have kids when you are 90, it would just be a matter of finding a young enough woman who wanted to get knocked up by a 90 year old man, lol. There are plenty of door mats out there, and plenty of dirty boots. She doesn't need to muck you up, and if not a healthy girl, you want a fellow door-mat. If you are dirty boots, your only possible option for not ruining someone else's life is to find another pair of dirty boots. Thank goodness you don't have to worry about that.

 

 

p.s. A lot of people on here write like they are from the UK, I've noticed. Is that where this site is based? Just curious

 

That post really put a smile on my face and you couldn't be more right!! Love that response and your assessment of her is exactly what I've made too. I was just blinded while I was with her but all those traits are clear to see now we've split and I'm better off

 

Thanks for cheering me up

[Mark12345q]

Thanks for all the support given already. I'm hoping i could get a little more advice regarding another conundrum I'm going to have.

 

I'm still struggling with my feelings for her, going through occasional up and downs but I'm trying to stay focussed on how much of a cow she is and has been.

 

It's now been 6montha and I've met an amazing girl who I think could lead somewhere which I'm hoping works out. I know some will say im not ready to jump back in but equally Im pretty sure in time i can surpress my feelings for my ex and move onto new and better things. Also I would hate myself if I didn't at least try to make a go of things given how amazing this girl is, I would be a fool to turn her down purely because of that bitch ex of mine.

 

So anyway the issue I have now is - my friends are getting married next month and I've been told she will be there as she is somewhat related to te bride. I've told them I don't feel comfortable being there but I've been asked to be an usher so I can't really turn it down.

 

I've already heard through the grapevine that there is new man she is with but I don't know how I'll feel if I see my ex again let alone if she has brought her new partner with her too. Is it a good idea to try and find out the details of this new person before the wedding so I can get the pain out the way or just face it head on and try and cope on the day?

 

My thinking is to try and find out before so I know how I can try to control how I react on the day. What do you guys think??

 

I'm aware I'll likely get post related to my new girl but I'm hoping I can get a perspective on the wedding issue first if poss!

[Chi townD]

Well, I think you need to find out if she's going to be there with her new man. Ask the groom, he can find out for you if she's bringing a plus 1. If this is the case, talk to your new girl and see if she can come with you as your plus 1, but give her fair warning of what's going on so she isn't blindsided walking to the reception. But, if your girl learns that your Ex is going to be there and all the crap she put you through, I think that she'll want to go to safeguard what she has with you and to make sure things are above board.

 

 

Most important for YOU to realize, is this day isn't about you or her, so don't make it a battleground. It's to celebrate the commitment two people made to each other.

[Mark12345q]

Well I've chosen not to go to the wedding in the end. I know 100% that she will be going and I don't want to put myself in a situation where I would have no element of control (I.e. being able to leave when I want - as Id be an usher and have to remain on the door). My friend has said he's ok with it too which is the main thing.

 

I've just received an email from her though which says:

'Hey,

 

Hope you're ok

 

Not sure if you would want or not yet but could we meet

 

X'

 

I don't think I've got any financial or legal commitments still outstanding with her. Does anyone have Any advice whether I should respond on this or what I should do with this please?

[FancyFace]

Block her on email and on other communication avenues.

[mightycpa]

Well, first, I think you need to create an autoresponder for her emails that intercepts the emails and deletes them.... that will take care of her contacting you by email.

 

Second, "could we meet" sounds like she wants something from you, not like she's going to tell you what a great guy you are and what a big mistake she's made.

[Mark12345q]

Wel I have just checked my emails and it looks like I already set an auto response rule that automatically deletes her email and responds with 'please don't email this inbox. If your email is of a professional nature please contact XXXXXXX'.

 

So it seems I've already responded!

 

Mighty I think you're probably right, She only really ever used to contact me when she wanted something.

 

It's been 3 months since no contact and I've been having such a good time with my new girlfriend that the no contact concept totally got forgotten about. It's a good job you people here are so nice and can steer me back in the right direction!!

[Mark12345q]

Small update - my friends who are getting married caught up with me today for lunch and over a span of 2-3 hours 'accidentally' end up telling me that my ex is still with the guy she cheated on me with. He's left his wife and they're apparently making a go of it. (This wasn't all in one sentence, they dropped bits of this info throughout the flow of conversation despite me asking them not to.)

 

This was all information I really didn't have any interest in finding out but now I that I do I'm sooooo happy for the advice given and that I kept up with the no contact rules.

 

I have to admit I had been pondering the reasons behind her wanting to 'meet up' (I'm only human!) and I can't imagine how it would've turned out if I found out this info directly from her had I ignored no contact rules and chosen to 'meet up' as she had asked. Please don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have gotten angry about the fact she is with him still (they're welcome to each other) but I know I'd have gotten angry about the complete disrespect shown towards me and that is still ongoing...! (Given she still feels she can parade this in front of me and that Id be 'ok' with it...)

 

So I really can't thank you all enough for keeping me from responding. (Mighty - given this new info you were 100% right about the fact she clearly wanted something from me rather than it being an apology etc)

 

Ps - I don't think I'll be seeing my friends again. Purely because if it was so easy for them to drop info about her life to me, I'm sure they've done exactly the same vice versa which I don't want her knowing or for her to have any insight into my new life. (Am I doing the right thing here?)

 

I hope I'm doing the right thing cutting these friends off and im glad I kept up with NC as you've all advised me to do. Thanks all

[ZiggyZoo]

Just read your whole thread. You're really doing well, a great example of how NC can work wonders.

 

As far as the friends, I'd say dump them and not feel badly at all. My ex-husband and I had a lot of mutual friends, and not one of them ever mentioned how he and the whore he left me for were doing. If anyone is that callous, you don't need them in your life. I'm actually kind of pissed on your behalf that they would do such a thing.

[Mark12345q]

Just read your whole thread. You're really doing well, a great example of how NC can work wonders.

 

As far as the friends, I'd say dump them and not feel badly at all. My ex-husband and I had a lot of mutual friends, and not one of them ever mentioned how he and the whore he left me for were doing. If anyone is that callous, you don't need them in your life. I'm actually kind of pissed on your behalf that they would do such a thing.

 

Thank you, I was a complete wreck at the start but I'm doing great now thanks to the advice on here.

 

I have to admit I'm a little angry with them too, I don't think they did it maliciously but it's clear they still value her friendship despite being there with all the **** she put me through - makes me really question their loyalties. I just really don't see how I could be friends With them anymore especially when she's still in the picture and they're so easily able to share everything

[Mark12345q]

Not an update - just putting down my thoughts (instead of breaking no contact). Received a No ID phone call which, when I answered, turned out to be my ex. I hung up straight away and didn't acknowledge. No contact is awesome!!

 

I'm still amazed that she feels she can just call me and assume I'll be fine with everything she did to me. Cheated on me, gave me false pretense by making me think I could 'win her back' (knowing full well it wouldn't happen) and thinking we could be friends whilst still being with the guy she cheated on me with... Don't even want to try and think what goes that head of hers lol.

 

Staying strong and moving on :-)