Ex gf cheated on me - has the perspective I should win her back?!

[Mark12345q]

Ok so an update to my situation.

 

Its now 3 months after I broke up and I hadn’t heard from my ex now for 2 weeks and I’ve been enjoying my time with my new GF. However, my new gf is constantly asking me to update facebook to detail relationship status to fend off any unwanted attention from anyone else (No idea why but shes quite big into facebook… bless her) so I give in and update it (I’ve blocked my ex so didn’t see a problem).

 

The following morning I get a call from an unknown number which I answer and it turns out to be my ex in tears repeating ‘Are you serious?’. Turns out she’s somehow seen my status and is distraught, telling me that I’ve done this purely to rub it in her face. I explain there was absolutely no motive around this aimed at her and it was purely to fend off unwanted attention and that in all honesty it was none of her business. I know it’s a this point I should’ve ended the call and left it at that but the problem is I’m still going through the selling of the house and need to somehow keep her on-side so she doesn’t try and take me for everything. (I have done pretty well out of the break-up, I’m buying her out of the house for a low fee, keeping all possessions and the car).

 

Anyway she starts shouting and insulting me saying how I could treat her like this etc. I told her she was the one who chose to screw that other guy and turned me down when I wanted her back, its also been 3 months since we’ve broken up and she shouldn’t even care. She then tries to go back to denying anything ever happened with that guy again saying she only actually slept with him just 2 weeks ago when she first heard I was seeing someone. She then also chooses to try and tarnish any good memory of our relationship by saying she was going to break up with me anyway because she was bored, felt like we were ‘stuck in a rut’ and saw someone else that she was interested in. basically implying that not only she cheated on me but the relationship was cr*p.

 

She’s since sent me messages saying that she cared more for me than anyone else and I was the best friend she ever had. That she loved our relationship and I shouldve listened to her when she said was unhappy (she never told me this during the relationship btw) and that if and when I am ready, she’ll always be here for me.

 

I have a whole message drafted about how much of a d*ck she is and if that’s how she treats a friend etc that im dying to send. I know the best action would be no reaction; but shes really hurt me with what she said and I want to try and make her see how narcissistic she is being and to stop and look in the mirror rather than deflecting it onto me and what was ‘us’.

 

What should I do? Should I respond? If I did respond what do you think would happen?

[Zahara]

I have a whole message drafted about how much of a d*ck she is and if that’s how she treats a friend etc that im dying to send. I know the best action would be no reaction; but shes really hurt me with what she said and I want to try and make her see how narcissistic she is being and to stop and look in the mirror rather than deflecting it onto me and what was ‘us’.

 

Ignore. Delete. Move on. The next time you see "unknown number" there is no need to pick it up. You can let it go to voicemail.

 

You can't make someone see their wrongdoing and the fact that she has never apologized or felt remorse is even more indication to you that she doesn't have it in her to see her own faults. Stop trying to seek validation from her.

 

What should I do? Should I respond? If I did respond what do you think would happen?

 

If you did respond, drama will ensue. You said, I said. Just as you decided to keep engaging with her, insults were hurled and you both went back and forth causing more hurt and confusion, specifically to yourself.

 

No responding. It's a break-up. It's done. Over. The past. Move on.

[Mark12345q]

You can't make someone see their wrongdoing and the fact that she has never apologized or felt remorse is even more indication to you that she doesn't have it in her to see her own faults. Stop trying to seek validation from her.

 

She has apologised for what she did with him but For me it's more I want her to stop blaming me and accept she was the cause for our break-up. Foolish I know but I can't live with her forever thinking I was solely to blame. I can accept I was part of the problem but what she did was the cause.

 

Am I being childish to want to see this from her?

[SoThatHappened]

No response necessary.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself (and the worst for her) is to not respond at all.

 

Believe me, if you want to "get back" at her or just simply stop the insanity, do not respond. It will drive her crazy.

 

The ONLY contact you should have with her is to tell her not to contact you.

 

This is where NC applies to a situation like yours. Cut her out of your life. Treat your current girlfriend like a queen.

[StrangerThanFiction]

I guess it's more of my age that I contemplated getting her back. I'm 32 and was looking for 'the one' and went through a lot of relationships before her so I guess I thought she would be it.

 

Also I'm scared it's the last chance for my to have a family before I get too old to have kids!

 

I guess there's 3 reasons why I can't quite comprehend her actions:

1. why she thinks I should chase her?

2. Why she is happy being a mistress?

3. Why she's so naive to believe this guy?

 

That's why I thought there might be a chance

 

32 is NOT old. You have plenty of time for a family and kids. IMO it's better to have to wait to find the right one then settle for the wrong one because you feel like time is running out. Besides, it already sounds like you might've found a pretty awesome lady who's supportive.

 

1)She's an attention seeker and feels entitled to being treated like a "princess". She's totally self obsessed and has no room in her heart for anyone but herself. RUN.

 

2)The MM probably tells her everything she wants to hear and treats her (for now) like the princess she feels she deserves to be treated like. It won't last, I can guarantee you that. He will toss her out like the garbage she is when he gets bored with her and then she'll be crawling back to you. Don't let her.

 

3)Read #2. He tells her everything she wants to hear. She believes it because she feels entitled to it.

 

You ask if you should block contact. YES. Absolutely cut all contact immediately. Nothing good will come from talking to her. She'll only keep you hurting and confused.

[Zahara]

She has apologised for what she did with him but For me it's more I want her to stop blaming me and accept she was the cause for our break-up. Foolish I know but I can't live with her forever thinking I was solely to blame. I can accept I was part of the problem but what she did was the cause.

 

Am I being childish to want to see this from her?

 

With all the entitlement, finger pointing and deflecting I've completely lost sight of the apology and even if it was made, what value does it have when she's still blaming for you for everything?

 

You're being unrealistic in expecting people to see things your way.

[Chi townD]

 

 

 

Anyway she starts shouting and insulting me saying how I could treat her like this etc. I told her she was the one who chose to screw that other guy and turned me down when I wanted her back, its also been 3 months since we’ve broken up and she shouldn’t even care. She then tries to go back to denying anything ever happened with that guy again saying she only actually slept with him just 2 weeks ago when she first heard I was seeing someone. She then also chooses to try and tarnish any good memory of our relationship by saying she was going to break up with me anyway because she was bored, felt like we were ‘stuck in a rut’ and saw someone else that she was interested in. basically implying that not only she cheated on me but the relationship was cr*p.

 

 

 

Geez! RIGHT THERE! SHE'S LYING AGAIN! She denies anything happened with this guy and she only slept with him 2 weeks ago AFTER she discovered that you were seeing someone else. Uh huh....then what was the frickin point of the phonecall!!!!!! Apparently, she already knew you were with someone. So, that phonecall should have been unwarranted because it should have been old news! Nothing new! She saw you make a Facebook update? SO WHAT!!!! Apparently, she already knew! What's the big deal! This girl is batsh*t crazy!

 

 

Time to move on, dude. She's mad that her back up plan is gone!

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Your need to have your ex understand you is simply your ego talking. You two are no longer in a relationship and you don't owe each other anything.

 

Unless you enjoy the drama your ex brings into your life, drop it. No more contact. If she calls you from a blocked number and you pick up...hang up.

 

Why you would expect a liar and a cheater to suddenly understand their wrongs after reading a letter is beyond me.

 

Let it go. Focus on your current girl.

Edited October 22, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove

[Mark12345q]

Geez! RIGHT THERE! SHE'S LYING AGAIN! She denies anything happened with this guy and she only slept with him 2 weeks ago AFTER she discovered that you were seeing someone else. Uh huh....then what was the frickin point of the phonecall!!!!!! Apparently, she already knew you were with someone. So, that phonecall should have been unwarranted because it should have been old news! Nothing new! She saw you make a Facebook update? SO WHAT!!!! Apparently, she already knew! What's the big deal! This girl is batsh*t crazy!

 

 

Time to move on, dude. She's mad that her back up plan is gone!

 

I read this and thought exactly the same as what you put but then She decided to contact me about the house and asked how I was etc. given it was house related I kept the discussion purely related to the house and steered clear of her other comments. Then she decides to tell me my new girl is really pretty and that she wants to remain as friends. I ignore her. Then she starts telling me she made the right choice about leaving me and she started bragging about how important the married guy was to her and sending lots of horrible messages about how **** our relationship was etc.

 

If it wasn't for the house situation I'd have blocked her completely but with so much riding on it I can't be seen to be nasty back and it feels like I've just got to put up with it till it's complete. She can very easily change the conditions of the house sale and really **** me over so I feel like I'm on a knife edge...!

 

Why is she doing this? I'm assuming it's to get a reaction but why start off being friendly then turn it back into him??

[idoltree]

Why is she doing this? I'm assuming it's to get a reaction but why start off being friendly then turn it back into him??

 

You answered your own question.

 

She wants to know that she's still important to you and that you are devastated by her loss. She's got low self-esteem and looks to men to shore herself up. She wanted a negative reaction from you so she could be an emotional vampire and feel better about herself.

 

Also, she could have wanted a reaction from you to see if you're still stuck on her and sitting on that shelf where she left you in case things with Mr. Married don't work out.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. Friendly and detached, and do not take the bait she's throwing at you. Remember she wants any display of emotions that she can get, so don't give her anything. And expect changing tactics over time as she fails to get to you.

[Mark12345q]

You answered your own question.

 

She wants to know that she's still important to you and that you are devastated by her loss. She's got low self-esteem and looks to men to shore herself up. She wanted a negative reaction from you so she could be an emotional vampire and feel better about herself.

 

Also, she could have wanted a reaction from you to see if you're still stuck on her and sitting on that shelf where she left you in case things with Mr. Married don't work out.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. Friendly and detached, and do not take the bait she's throwing at you. Remember she wants any display of emotions that she can get, so don't give her anything. And expect changing tactics over time as she fails to get to you.

 

Wow I think you pretty much summed up her personality perfectly with your first paragraph!! Thank you for opening my eyes!

 

What sort of other tactics should i watch out for as you mentioned? I just want to make sure I'm prepared as I'm still a bit fragile from the things she said.

[hestheone66]

I apologize if I sound blunt.

 

You are not close enough to be ready for a new relationship.

 

The new woman is srnsing this which has ignited her insecurities. On one hand this will flatter your broken self who yearns for companionship. Do not mistake attraction and fear of loneliness or wanting to move on as actual healing.

you were involved with someone who broke your trust and heart. This takes time and introspection to work through or else you will replay same mistakes.

A woman needing validation thru facebook is a huge red flag.

[Diezel]

I guess it's more of my age that I contemplated getting her back. I'm 32 and was looking for 'the one' and went through a lot of relationships before her so I guess I thought she would be it.

 

Also I'm scared it's the last chance for my to have a family before I get too old to have kids!

 

 

 

Huh? You aren't female.

You know you still have like a good... 15 years to be able to do that, right?

[Diezel]

However, my new gf is constantly asking me to update facebook to detail relationship status to fend off any unwanted attention from anyone else (No idea why but shes quite big into facebook… bless her) so I give in and update it.

 

Another break up in the making.

[Chi townD]

Why is she doing this? I'm assuming it's to get a reaction but why start off being friendly then turn it back into him??

 

Yes, to get a reaction out of you. But, to also convince herself that dumping you and pursuing a married man was the right choice for her. She's trying to convince herself. But, let's be honest. She's sleeping with a married man! That relationship is going nowhere and she knows it. That's why she's so pissed off that her backup plan has skipped off! This dude isn't going to leave his wife and kids. Even if he does, their relationship is doomed because the foundation of it was built on the pain of others.

[Mark12345q]

Thank you for the comments so far. Well her tactics have now changed after she bumped into me and my new girlfriend.

 

My ex decided she wanted a few more things from the house but picked a time when she knew we would both be around. Was the most awkward situation I've been in.

 

My new girlfriend is really getting frustrated as she is fed up of my ex poking in and out of my life. I've told her not to let my ex drive a wedge between us but I completely understand why she's getting upset.

 

The funny thing is my ex decides to send me an email saying she 'can't even get angry with me anymore as she just misses me so much. She still really loves me and really wants us to be friends.'

 

What game is she playing? I hear from friends that she's really struggling since she found out I moved on, suffering with chest pains & is on tablets for depression. Typical case of 'grass is greener' but do you think her message is genuine or do you think she's fishing to try and get back together? I'm thinking it's just breadcrumbs again...

 

I've ignored it as I wanted to get a second opinion.

 

I should mention I've no intention of getting back together with her again. I'm just worried for her health

Edited October 29, 2014 by Mark12345q
Adding wording

[SoThatHappened]

She's not your problem anymore. She CHOSE the path which led to losing you from her life. Don't feel guilty for it or worry about it. This was her choice.

 

If you ever need some resolve to alleviate the worry/guilt, just keep remembering what she did to you.

[Zahara]

Why haven't you blocked her and why does she have access to your home whenever she feels like it?

 

You should have just said, "Give me a list of things that belong to you and I will drop if off at your home." Where are your boundaries and restrictions with her?

 

As for emails from her, why have you not blocked her?

 

I have to wonder if you like the attention you're receiving from her because it validates you.

 

And quit with the "worried about her health" -- she's a grown woman. She has family and friends that can take care of her. Your part in it is over.

Edited October 29, 2014 by Zahara

[Mark12345q]

Why haven't you blocked her and why does she have access to your home whenever she feels like it?

 

You should have just said, "Give me a list of things that belong to you and I will drop if off at your home." Where are your boundaries and restrictions with her?

 

As for emails from her, why have you not blocked her?

 

I have to wonder if you like the attention you're receiving from her because it validates you.

 

And quit with the "worried about her health" -- she's a grown woman. She has family and friends that can take care of her. Your part in it is over.

 

I actually have blocked her Facebook, phone & any other emails. The problem I have is I have taken up her old job and given my profession is closely related to hers my IT department can't block her email address for 'professional contact requirements'. Which basically means this is the only contact she can make but there's nothing I can do to block it.

 

And I've already told her parents before that I don't want her coming to the house ever again. this is the house we bought together and loved in for 2 years so she knows when I'm around and when I'm not, so her presence was clearly planned.

 

The contact she is making is actually starting to annoy the hell out of me. I won't lie though, after 4 years I do still care about her (I've tried not to but I'm not completely heartless) and the health reasons have raised concerns.

 

You are right though, she's not my problem. Her family will need to deal with this now.

[Mark12345q]

She's not your problem anymore. She CHOSE the path which led to losing you from her life. Don't feel guilty for it or worry about it. This was her choice.

 

If you ever need some resolve to alleviate the worry/guilt, just keep remembering what she did to you.

 

Yeah that's very true!! She can go bother her MM to look after her now.

 

I have heard that her MM relationship from friends (not through my asking) has died now too - not going to lie, this made me chuckle!

[MrWhite]

I have specific advise.

The EX is now interfering with you new relationship. Until the house is sold, minimize anything related to old GF with new GF. She does not want to hear the EX's name or any information about her. Only talk about the house if needed, not anything about the EX. Be nice, sell the house, then cut all communication. Also, residual work stuff can stay at work.

[Woggle]

Anything she owns that you still have put in a box and drop at off at her house. Then tell her to leave you alone for good,

[Friskyone4u]

Your gf has this ass backwards. And you are crazy to want anything to do with her. It obviously did not work out with her new boyfriends and you are now Ppan B.! You have no kids and nothing to stop you from finding someone trustworthy.

Tell her you want nothing to do with her or you will be sorry

[Chi townD]

Don't let her make you feel guilty about moving on with your life. She probably wants to break you two up. But, here's the rub, if she does that, she won't quit the married guy. The only thing she would have accomplished is getting back to what she wanted to begin with, her sleeping around with married guy while she has you waiting on the sidelines.

 

 

Now, if I were you, I would take new girlfriend away for the weekend to a nice B&B and make an entire weekend about her as a thank you for sticking it out with you. That would be a nice thing to do and lets her know that you are serious about her and not your Ex.

[JunkYardDog]

DONT!!!!!!!!

 

Im ashmed to say but I was one of those chumps, the same exact thing happened to me and she told me to win her back. I did and it was the worst decision I have ever made. I was in a dark place after losing my dad and she left me a week later so I was grasping for anything to stop my pain. It lasted 5 months of more, bigger abuse, culminating with her assaulting me. THEN 4 weeks later after I broke it off with NC, her son ambushed me after work hiding behind a car and tried to choke me out for 'treating his mom and his family' bad while his gf yelled from her car calling me a 'mf'ing woman beater'!!!. I get attacked by her and her son never laying a hand on both of them and she tells everyone I beat her. The punk ended up in jail as it was all caught on camera but just going through it all was the most horrific experience of my life.

 

 

Take my stupidity and let it be an example.

Edited October 30, 2014 by JunkYardDog