Ex gf cheated on me - has the perspective I should win her back?!

[Zahara]

I've done this and it's massively helped me put things into perspective!! Makes me wonder Why the hell have I even given her any acknowledgement at all!? She really was a horrible person to me and the fact she's trying to string me along makes it all the more worse!

 

When we're emotionally attached, it's hard to focus on the bad and we often romanticize the relationship and the ex and forget that these people really hurt us to the core. And when you're off idealizing, you start to use those thoughts to justify getting back together when really, if things were all that great, you wouldn't be where you are.

 

It's made me feel like breaking up with my new gf was a mistake. I know I did it as I wasn't quite ready but I'm worried I've ruined a perfectly good relationship by stressing over that cheater of an ex.

 

It wasn't a mistake. You're going to go up and down with this. Today you may have an epiphany and tomorrow you may feel sad and in pain again, three days later you may have perspective -- these feelings don't just go away because you read a post. It would not be fair to any person when you can't emotionally focus and give them the attention they deserve because you're still dwelling over an ex. Those feelings don't just go away overnight.

[Mark12345q]

When we're emotionally attached, it's hard to focus on the bad and we often romanticize the relationship and the ex and forget that these people really hurt us to the core. And when you're off idealizing, you start to use those thoughts to justify getting back together when really, if things were all that great, you wouldn't be where you are.

 

Dude you are so right and I didn't even realise I was doing it. This is exactly why I love this site. I'm sorry for the so called 'updates' and I'll keep progress of actual NC from now on. Stop wasting yours and everyone else's time!

 

I can see the apology to her being like a 'drug'. It's damn hard to shake but I'm gonna try

[Mark12345q]

Cheaters will ALWAYS be sure to blame YOU for their deceitful ways. An honorable person would've stopped everything in its tracks and communicated their feelings to you and tried their hardest to work things out.

 

She sounds like a narcassist who truely doesn't hold herself accountable, only those around her. My ex had the same personalith traits. One minute you're their world - then the next you don't even know what state they live in.

 

Protect yourself and shut her out of your life. In time you'll start to see clearly the kind of person they were. You will also find someone better who deserves your energy and love.

 

These kind of people will never be happy, they will bounce around from relationship to relationship expecting their "partners" to "fix" everything and that's impossible.

 

Thanks for noticing what I was missing. She is completely selfish. The characteristics of a narcissist got exactly to her personality. The 'princess' routine she always had with me, the constant reassurance of how beautiful she was all sings of narcissism.

[STM206]

Thanks for noticing what I was missing. She is completely selfish. The characteristics of a narcissist got exactly to her personality. The 'princess' routine she always had with me, the constant reassurance of how beautiful she was all sings of narcissism.

 

Exactly. A relationship is a two way street, if there are issues - they need to be address. Cheaters often "expect" people to read their minds. "Didn't you see the signs? I was so unhappy, you should've known"

 

Yeah **** that... Nobody has time to decipher hidden messages, especially since we aren't in middle school anymore.

 

Let her go, you'll be so much better off - promise!

[Zahara]

I can see the apology to her being like a 'drug'. It's damn hard to shake but I'm gonna try

 

I don't place too much weight on a cheater that apologizes when caught or when shytt hits the fan, and in your case after much gaslighting, and placing the blame of you -- her apology means absolutely nothing.

[Mark12345q]

Exactly. A relationship is a two way street, if there are issues - they need to be address. Cheaters often "expect" people to read their minds. "Didn't you see the signs? I was so unhappy, you should've known"

 

Yeah **** that... Nobody has time to decipher hidden messages, especially since we aren't in middle school anymore.

 

Let her go, you'll be so much better off - promise!

 

You couldn't be more right! That's exactly what she said to me as reason for breaking up with me. Told me she was unhappy for the last year, even though we'd literally booked a holiday 3 weeks before all this happened.

 

I just think it was an excuse of hers to justify what she did. It's just she saw interest in someone else and decided to test the water before she jumped in. Problem was I figured out what she was planning and rather than face the problems, she instead just jumped ship.

[Mark12345q]

I don't place too much weight on a cheater that apologizes when caught or when shytt hits the fan, and in your case after much gaslighting, and placing the blame of you -- her apology means absolutely nothing.

 

I agree zahara, her words mean absolutely nothing. With all the lies she's told I wouldn't believe it even if she did say it.

[sam_999]

cut that bitch off

[Mark12345q]

cut that bitch off

 

Will do! Been 4months since split but after that last convo I'm now Technically back to 3 days NC... I'm gonna stick to it and get through it. Can't have her thinking she's got the better end of things. Gonna work on myself and prove she ****ed up losing me

[jackinthebox1]

This is great. Someone taking in advice and coming out the other end stronger.

Congrats

[Mark12345q]

Well I'm completely broken hearted again.... My so called friend showed me a pic of her hugging him in a Halloween group photo.

 

It's completely ****ed me up cause during the conversation 4 days ago she said she hadn't seen him and wasn't seeing anyone. Just a whole new batch of complete lies and disrespect.

 

Feels like the wound has been opened up again...

 

I've told all my friend never to show or tell me anything about her again. But the damage is already done

 

How the hell do you guys get through this?!? Feels like this is the hardest thing ever to do!! Part of me feels like I want to text her 'how can she still lie to me' but I already know the answer and I don't want to show she can still affect me....

[Zahara]

It's a blessing actually, seeing that picture. It's another slap in your face to wake you up and focus on who she really is. Treat it as a nail in the coffin. It's done and over. As painful as it is, and understandably so you had a long term relationship with her, you dodged a bullet.

 

Unfortunately, you're going to be in pain for awhile no matter what a POS she is, but it's temporary. You just have to feel the pain. The only way past it is through it.

 

And deluded about what? She's a cheater and a liar. There's nothing to be deluded about.

[Mark12345q]

It's a blessing actually, seeing that picture. It's another slap in your face to wake you up and focus on who she really is. Treat it as a nail in the coffin. It's done and over. As painful as it is, and understandably so you had a long term relationship with her, you dodged a bullet.

 

Unfortunately, you're going to be in pain for awhile no matter what a POS she is, but it's temporary. You just have to feel the pain. The only way past it is through it.

 

And deluded about what? She's a cheater and a liar. There's nothing to be deluded about.

 

It doesn't quite feel like I dodged that bullet yet but I'll do my best to work through it.

 

I meant I'm deluded because what she does still bothers me and that I thought she'd have grown up a little and wouldn't still treat me like ****.

[Mark12345q]

I'm a week back into NC and I've just had the worst dream I've ever had. It was of my ex and the married guy having sex... I feel like my whole world has fallen apart. I can't get the image out of my head!!!!! Please tell I'm not the only person to have gone through this!

 

How the hell do you forget something like this?

[Zahara]

I'm a week back into NC and I've just had the worst dream I've ever had. It was of my ex and the married guy having sex... I feel like my whole world has fallen apart. I can't get the image out of my head!!!!! Please tell I'm not the only person to have gone through this!

 

How the hell do you forget something like this?

 

It's very normal. Dreams feel like a kick in the gut but they're just dreams. When the ending happened, my dreams were of me seeing my ex with other women -- kissing, sex, etc. He would ignore me in those dreams. I would wake up feeling so much pain. As I was healing, the dreams changed to a point where I would evade him. Soon enough I wasn't having any dreams, and that was at a stage where I wasn't thinking about him anymore. As you go through the healing and detaching process your mindset will change and that in turn will affect how you dream.

 

How do you forget? Time and distance.

[Mark12345q]

It's very normal. Dreams feel like a kick in the gut but they're just dreams. When the ending happened, my dreams were of me seeing my ex with other women -- kissing, sex, etc. He would ignore me in those dreams. I would wake up feeling so much pain. As I was healing, the dreams changed to a point where I would evade him. Soon enough I wasn't having any dreams, and that was at a stage where I wasn't thinking about him anymore. As you go through the healing and detaching process your mindset will change and that in turn will affect how you dream.

 

How do you forget? Time and distance.

 

Thank you for this, it's so reassuring to hear this.

 

It was hard at first as the dreams were so graphic but knowing this is normal and that they will fade in time is such a weight off my mind. Thank you!!!

[Mark12345q]

An actual update - so I've been full no contact for 2 and half weeks now. Was doing so well, barely even thought of her during those last 2 weeks and was focussing on myself. But today I haven't been able to get her out of my head. I've been meeting new girls to put myself out there but I keep judging them against my ex (only in a physical manner).

 

This is going to sound seriously shallow. My ex had quite big boobs and nice legs and I can't stop thinking that these other girls don't 'measure' up. They are actually really really nice people, great personalities and really fun to be around but I can't get past those 2 features when thinking about them in a sexual manner.

 

Is there a way to condition my mind to stop using these features when assessing a girls suitability. Everything else about them is better than my ex but I can't get past it... I know 100% it's shallow, and I need to sort it out.

 

When I sit there and think about what I miss about her it is actually only those 2 things. I've come to terms she's naive & immature and personality wise she was pretty dull so I don't miss her from that perspective. It's literally just the physical features I miss (and it's not even her face!).

[SoThatHappened]

Big boobs, to me, are just a bonus. Any boobs are good.

 

Good legs are tough to beat but not without a great personality.

[Zahara]

An actual update - so I've been full no contact for 2 and half weeks now. Was doing so well, barely even thought of her during those last 2 weeks and was focussing on myself. But today I haven't been able to get her out of my head. I've been meeting new girls to put myself out there but I keep judging them against my ex (only in a physical manner).

 

So, soon after your ending with your ex, you met a wonderful woman, as you said and you had to end with her recently because you couldn't focus on her or the new relationship. Why would you still want to go out there and meet new women when you just realized you aren't ready for it? This is what happens when people who are struggling emotionally try to use dating as a way to fill that void -- they go out and try to date, only to be triggered and reminded of their ex. It's a horrible experience and it only sets you back. And how is it fair to these women that you're sitting there and judging them because their boobs aren't a big as your ex's? Be fair. They're coming to the table with an open mind and heart and you're across the table with the ex wrapped around your brain, basing potential on boobs and legs.

 

This is going to sound seriously shallow. My ex had quite big boobs and nice legs and I can't stop thinking that these other girls don't 'measure' up. They are actually really really nice people, great personalities and really fun to be around but I can't get past those 2 features when thinking about them in a sexual manner.

 

I did the same thing. Comparing. It just set me back. Just lay off on meeting women for awhile. You're coming out of a 4 year relationship. Give yourself some time to be alone to grieve and heal.

 

Is there a way to condition my mind to stop using these features when assessing a girls suitability. Everything else about them is better than my ex but I can't get past it... I know 100% it's shallow, and I need to sort it out.

 

If you have to condition your mind then you're not ready. You went through TWO endings within weeks of each other. What is your rush?

[stillafool]

I guess it's more of my age that I contemplated getting her back. I'm 32 and was looking for 'the one' and went through a lot of relationships before her so I guess I thought she would be it.

 

Also I'm scared it's the last chance for my to have a family before I get too old to have kids!

 

I guess there's 3 reasons why I can't quite comprehend her actions:

1. why she thinks I should chase her?

2. Why she is happy being a mistress?

3. Why she's so naive to believe this guy?

 

That's why I thought there might be a chance

 

Why are you afraid this is your last chance to have a family? You are a man and only 32 years old. You have at least 3 more years before you need to worry about becoming a father. You have also just met a lovely new girl. The world is basically your oyster right now.

 

1. why she thinks I should chase her? Because she needs back up when this guy dumps her.

2. Why she is happy being a mistress? Because she has no morals or self respect.

3. Why she's so naive to believe this guy? She likes cheaters and bad boys. That's what turns her on.

 

Block your cheating ex loser gf from all contact with you. Be happy that she showed you who she is before you wasted your hard earned dough on a ring which would ultimately end up through your nose as she pulls you around. Let her go and keep moving forward with your life. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Edited December 3, 2014 by stillafool

[elaine567]

This is not really about big boobs and nice legs, that is just an excuse your mind is making up because deep down, you are not really ready to engage in another relationship.

You have not given yourself enough time to grieve properly and it isn't really fair to get another girl involved with you, whilst your life is in so much of an upheaval.

[Mark12345q]

You must be right. I don't see any other reason why I would run comparisons.

 

I have honestly felt so much better but clearly I'm wrong. I've been seriously happy and enjoying myself the last 2 weeks especially given my house purchas went through. I even went a week without her popping into my mind so of course when a girl introduced themselves to me I thought I was past it all.

 

When do you know you are ready? I thought I was before but clearly I'm not... Do you ever stop running comparisons to your ex?

[PaperCrane]

When do you know you are ready? I thought I was before but clearly I'm not... Do you ever stop running comparisons to your ex?

 

Comparisons never stop with much of anything in life. We compare; clothes, food, vehicles, weather, movies, music and anything else under the sun to something else similar. It is how we make informed decisions. It isn't so much that you're comparing but how you do the comparing. If you compare in a way like someone who finds their favorite burrito place randomly closed and have the attitude that nothing else will suffice for the meal, you're going to have a bad time.

 

You know you're ready when you are able to look at a woman, and when that eventual comparison comes up you either;

1. Do not care
   or
   
2. Realize you like both and can be happy with something new
   

 

To get to that point you just need time. Keep testing yourself though. For me it took about 6 months to fully get over the physical comparisons after my LTR.

[changchewsoon]

It has been only 2 and half weeks of NC, you really need more time to get over it.

 

Everyone moves at a different pace though, some take longer some take shorter time. But you do need time, that is for sure.

 

Please keep maintaining strict NC, and absolutely do not give in and break in.

 

As for big boobs, well my ex had big boobs as well and guess what? In the beginning I really did worry for a while whether the next girl I meet would have equally a nice body like hers.

 

After moving on I really didn't care so much anymore because other than big boobs, there are so many other areas that you should pay attention to, such as the character, personality, eyes, face, overall package etc.

 

Guess what? Bam the next girl that came along, had even bigger boobs, prettier face, and great big round eyes. But that's not the main point. She has super great personality!

 

So like some of the other posters here said, body and such are just bonus. If she has great personality and you guys can click, whatever that comes later are really just bonus. You've already gotten yourself a keeper.

 

Shallowness will not get you far in life, you marry a girl for the girl she is, the inner beauty you see in her. Not her boobs, not her ass and certainly not her legs.

[Mark12345q]

Shallowness will not get you far in life, you marry a girl for the girl she is, the inner beauty you see in her. Not her boobs, not her ass and certainly not her legs.

 

This is probably why my last relationship went completely tits up (excuse the pun). I got it so wrong and you guys are all totally right.