Dumper is past relief period 3 months after breakup. What happens next?

[bb1205]

Hi Everyone,

 

I've been an avid reader of LS since my breakup and finally, I decided to make an account and share my story.

 

My boyfriend and I dated for 3 years. We met in college, were from the same hometown, had many mutual friends from our highschool, and our families were also friends. We have many family ties and this was very much a serious relationship. We were both each others first serious relationship. Me at 20, him at 22.

 

The last year of our relationship was long distance, as he had graduated and move to Dallas for work. I would fly often to visit and spend the weekends, as he was very depressed and sad not knowing anyone there, but by the end (Jan-May) I could tell the distance was really starting to affect us. We started bickering and fighting about stupid things. We took 2 breaks, each a week and a half, both initiated by him. He came back each time wanting to reconcile. In May, he moved back to our hometown and I came back from college. Things were off to say the least. Everything I did bothered/annoyed him. I was looking for a job and going through a pretty rough patch living at home with my parents and he had basically 0 sympathy towards my situation, which i think speaks to how the loss of love and intimacy had affected him. (Cheating, or any other women was not a factor)

 

I've read about this from dumpers on this site. Everything the dumpee (me) does before the breakup tends to bother them, they pick fights, are generally annoyed with the dumpee. It got to the point where my parents started to notice and mentioned a lot of things to me, and so I broke up with him but it was very much forced. HE was really the dumper in this whole situation. It was in no way easy, but it was something i felt I had to do. I kept in touch with him for 2 weeks after, at which point I wanted to reconcile, and he seemed like he did too. He was very confused and would give me mixed signals about reconciliation until finally we met and he officially ended things. The next 2 weeks were spent with intermittent contact, once every few days. I tried to tell him we could work it out, all of the typical things the dumpee does - to no avail. Went no contact in July and haven't heard from him since.

 

I watched him go through his "relief" period via all of our mutual friends. It was hard to see him partying every night as that was not usually his style. If there were other girls, they were never serious because word travels fast in my town, and no one has seen him with anyone other than our/his friends. At first, I was hearing from everyone that he was doing very well and was happy as can be. Now, I've been hearing quite the opposite but he has not made any attempts to reach out. Absolute silence.

 

I think this situation would follow the timeline i've seen on LS SO many times, first 2 months are great, then they start to come down from their

GIGS or loss of love, or general post breakup excitement.

 

I was hoping to get some insight from anyone who has had a similar experience if possible.

 

I personally don't think this is one of those situations where I'll never hear from the dumper again...I've run into him on a few occasions now and we don't make eye contact. Last time I ran into him was a month ago. I feel like eventually, he may reach out to at least clear the air?

 

 

Regardless of the outcome, I've made a point to update everyone here on my situation because I particularly love reading everyone's stories about what ends up happening in their situations

 

Thanks in advance!

Edited October 16, 2014 by bb1205

[blackcat777]

Thanks for sharing... It definitely helps me to understand and feel better (realizing how universal these situations are).

 

A more important question: how are YOU feeling with the passage of time?

[bb1205]

Ultimately, this is a person who was my absolute best friend (as are most people in LTR's). Not talking for 3 months has been extremely sad for me, particularly the first month and a half was DEVASTATING. How could someone who was so loving become so cold and distant? But as life is, it happens so so many times.

 

 

I guess I have a sort of cognitive dissonance now as the dumpee. I wonder if he does come back WOULD I take him back? Someone who put me through absolute hell? I hate that I have felt pitied by all of our mutual friends. Although they reassure me that hes an idiot for throwing away a great thing, and it's "his loss". But then again, isn't that what you're supposed to say to a dumpee?

 

IF he does come back in the near future, it would have to be with a very genuine attempt. I would want him to be extremely persistent, a letter pouring his emotions out or multiple attempts at reconciling even after me turning him down. Basically, he would really have to work for it. I've seen that said a lot here on LS.

 

From his perspective though, I can say I understand because I know the feelings he experienced of just being emotionally spent on the relationship. It's reasonable that when someone gets to that point that they would just want to call it quits. I don't think it was necessarily his fault, but I feel like I need to hold him accountable for making me cry every day straight for a month and just being so cold and callous to someone who meant so much to him.

 

It's tricky. I really don't know how I feel about everything yet. I want vindication, I want to turn him down and make HIM hurt and suffer like I did, but I don't think that's the right answer per say? He WILL have to work for it though. I won't accept a text simply asking me out to drinks to chat. I want an apology and an "I made the biggest mistake of my life, you're the person I want to marry" (after he told me when we broke up "I'm not sure I want to marry you". Idiot.

 

If you're currently going through the same, I would recommend reading all of Lylat333's threads. Absolutely amazing breakdown of the dumper's mentality and an exact carbon copy of how my ex was acting and what he was telling me.

 

For me it always helps to understand things so I can better process them and make a decision as to how I will proceed.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

There is an extremely common phenomenon---in America, anyway---that I saw happen to many of my girl friends. (I missed it, by the grace of God.) It goes like this:

 

The man and woman start dating in their early twenties, either shortly before graduating or just out of college. They move around the country together, live together, pay bills together. There are rocky periods but they always make it through. All of their friends see them as a unit, never one without the other. Everyone asks when they're getting married. Then, somewhere between ages 26 and 28, the man breaks it off. The woman is left completely devastated. The man enters a serious relationship not long afterwards and marries the new woman.

 

Some people call it "training wheels", i.e. the first woman was the man's "training" for the next one. It is vicious. It is horrible. Worst of all, it seems to be totally unintentional. I have known some guys who did it and not a single one of them meant to cause such pain; it's just that there's this abrupt shift in maturity that occurs in a lot of men around that age. Women on average mature a few years earlier and already know what they want, which is why it always comes as such a shock.

 

Granted, the sexes can be reversed, but it's much more common with women being the "training wheels" to men.

[bb1205]

That's a crazy phenomenon Chipman. It makes a lot of sense too. I think the ages are slightly off as he only JUST turned 24, and still has a while before getting married, but I see where you're coming from. That very well might be the case. It'll be interesting to see how everything plays itself out.

 

 

It's crazy that this stuff happens. The fact that we haven't spoken in 3 MONTHS is mind-blowing to me, but I also admit that I did push him away with my pleading and convincing (that he didn't want anything to do with). I remember shortly after we broke up I bumped into his uncle at the grocery store, and naturally he asked me "so....how are you handling everything?, Are you ok?" I thought that was a rather forward question to ask but when I told him I was just getting along with my life, he made sure to mention that he himself went through this "immature" phase with his current wife (my ex's aunt), and my ex's parents went through it as well. Both men in each relationship needed to take a breather to reassess what it is they wanted. He himself took a few months, but my ex's dad took a year to come back to his wife (my ex's mom). He told me obviously not to wait around, but he knew my ex would be back in due time. It may take him dating another girl to realize it but that patience is key he said. I thought that was a rather interesting comment, because he really didn't need to say anything at all about the situation.

 

OBVIOUSLY, there is no guarantee that he WON'T find someone who he feels is "better" for him, anything is possible, and I'm not expecting anything at this point (and I can actually honestly say that because 4 months out from me originally breaking up with him, and 3 months of no contact later, I must say I am emotionally numb to it all at this point).

[mightycpa]

Yeah, I did that to someone. If it is any consolation to anybody out there, I give the dumped GF a great deal of credit. I credit her with teaching me how to love someone properly. I just copied her example.

 

I even told the wife that she didn't fall in love with me. She fell in love with the ex. She doesn't believe it, but there's a lot of truth in that.

[bb1205]

Hi everyone,

 

I figured I'd drop by and update everyone.

 

These past 2 weekends have been very interesting in that after 3 months, I've noticed a shift. I've been having SO much fun recently going out with friends, taking pictures, partying, etc. and I think it's getting to him. I've had a few people now come up to me and comment on how unhappy he seems, even after a recent job promotion. He's also been commenting on/liking my best friends instagram pictures which is something he's never really done to begin with ESPECIALLY after the breakup. I know that after we broke up I would specifically comment on people's instagrams that he would follow specifically so he would see it and I wonder if he's doing the same thing.

 

Overall, after 3 months I feel like he's starting to see that the grass is in fact not greener on the other side and is confronting a lot of the breakup emotions that he sidelined right after the breakup to party and go out with hi friends. NOW he sees me having a grand old time and it's getting to him.

Edited October 31, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HereAndThenGone]

Yeah, I did that to someone. If it is any consolation to anybody out there, I give the dumped GF a great deal of credit. I credit her with teaching me how to love someone properly. I just copied her example.

 

I even told the wife that she didn't fall in love with me. She fell in love with the ex. She doesn't believe it, but there's a lot of truth in that.

 

I'm just curious, if the dumped gf was so great, why'd you dump her?

[CaliBabe]

Interesting... Is it that after 3 months, if you don't hear from your ex you most likely will never hear from them again?

 

What is significant about the 3 months?

 

...Just curious.

[umirano]

Hi everyone,

partying, etc. and I think it's getting to him. I've had a few people now come up to me and comment on how unhappy he seems, even after a recent job promotion. He's also been commenting on/liking my best friends instagram pictures which is something he's never really done to begin with ESPECIALLY after the breakup. I know that after we broke up I would specifically comment on people's instagrams that he would follow specifically so he would see it and I wonder if he's doing the same thing.

 

That looks like your poking holes in your NC You shouldn't do that. Especially if you want him back somewhere deep inside.

Edited October 31, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Hi everyone,

 

I figured I'd drop by and update everyone.

 

These past 2 weekends have been very interesting in that after 3 months, I've noticed a shift. I've been having SO much fun recently going out with friends, taking pictures, partying, etc. and I think it's getting to him. I've had a few people now come up to me and comment on how unhappy he seems, even after a recent job promotion. He's also been commenting on/liking my best friends instagram pictures which is something he's never really done to begin with ESPECIALLY after the breakup. I know that after we broke up I would specifically comment on people's instagrams that he would follow specifically so he would see it and I wonder if he's doing the same thing.

 

Overall, after 3 months I feel like he's starting to see that the grass is in fact not greener on the other side and is confronting a lot of the breakup emotions that he sidelined right after the breakup to party and go out with hi friends. NOW he sees me having a grand old time and it's getting to him.

 

Nonononononononono. No. No. No. For one thing, the passive-aggressive social media stalking is kind of desperate and will not help your healing. Don't do it. Secondly, I'm going to tell you what I wish someone would have told me after my worst breakup:

 

If you can't tell that he wants to be with you, he doesn't want to be with you. Even if he's sad and hurting that doesn't mean he wants to be with you. Do not assume that he's living his life around the way you live yours. You are interpreting his Facebook status based on incomplete information; what if he's genuinely happy about his situation? Even happy people have bad days sometimes.

 

Please do not do this. Unless he confronts you and says "I want you back", you need to believe he's not coming back. Otherwise you're going to get sucked into a death spiral of overanalyzing his every move, wondering about what he did and didn't say, and being all giddy that he smiled vaguely in your direction that one time when you SHOULD be out with a man who is head over heels for you.

 

Look in the mirror. Say "He doesn't want me. But I want me. And I want someone who wants me too." Say it ten thousand times if you have to. Then go out and have fun for real, not just having fun while thinking about what a great time you're having and how mad he must be that you're doing well.

Edited October 31, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bb1205]

CaliBabe,

 

I've done SO much reading on here in the last 3 - 4 months. I can't tell you how many stories I've read because it must be over 300 at this point. I see a common theme in a lot of dumpers. The reality of the loss of their ex really starts to settle in at about that 3 month mark. Even with personal situations, my friends and their relationships, I've taken notice of the reoccurring 3-4 month theme. This is obviously when the dumper HAS NOT found someone else (which is the case for my dumper). Those dumpers who do find others (be they rebounds or serious relationships) the process, if it does happen, usually takes much longer because the dumper is very much distracted.

[bb1205]

Nonononononononono. No. No. No. For one thing, the passive-aggressive social media stalking is kind of desperate and will not help your healing. Don't do it. Secondly, I'm going to tell you what I wish someone would have told me after my worst breakup:

 

If you can't tell that he wants to be with you, he doesn't want to be with you. Even if he's sad and hurting that doesn't mean he wants to be with you. Do not assume that he's living his life around the way you live yours. You are interpreting his Facebook status based on incomplete information; what if he's genuinely happy about his situation? Even happy people have bad days sometimes.

 

Please do not do this. Unless he confronts you and says "I want you back", you need to believe he's not coming back. Otherwise you're going to get sucked into a death spiral of overanalyzing his every move, wondering about what he did and didn't say, and being all giddy that he smiled vaguely in your direction that one time when you SHOULD be out with a man who is head over heels for you.

 

Look in the mirror. Say "He doesn't want me. But I want me. And I want someone who wants me too." Say it ten thousand times if you have to. Then go out and have fun for real, not just having fun while thinking about what a great time you're having and how mad he must be that you're doing well.

 

 

 

Chipman,

 

It sucks but I totally know you're right. It's crazy but this whole experience has actually made me want him less. I honestly question what would happen if he did come back at this point. With that being said yes it probably still does affect the healing process but it's been so long, and not having ANY contact at all these last few months has really made me numb emotionally to this situation. I no longer cry anymore, but the passive-agressiveness is still very much there.

 

Something I forgot to mention: about a month ago he had put up a video of "our song" on Facebook. That was deleted yesterday as well.... All of this after batch uploading 40 pictures to Facebook of my trip to LA with friends, and some other fun events that have been taking place. I wonder if me living my life is getting to him and he's annoyed.

 

Who knows. but you're right the social media stalking does need to stop. It's just so much easier said than done.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, my hands some 7 months NC are bloody red with social media stalking. Today came the windfall that could be maybe possibly she and the guy she left me for HAVE BROKEN UP. It is a morsel of news that means everything to me and which really means...nothing.

 

We have to give up on these soap operas we're so invested in. Soap operas are designed to leave you hanging at the end. And soap operas are nearly always unsatisfying. I think we're both setting ourselves up for the abrupt announcement that next season's "The Ex Who Secretly Loved Me" will be cancelled.

[bb1205]

Thanks for commenting sycamore. That's insane news! I would be bouncing off the walls if my ex had gotten into a relationship and I had found out that they broke up. I guess it's a double edged sword of sorts though. Yeah her and her boyfriend may have broken up but that doesn't necessarily mean anything in terms of you and her getting back together. BUT, then again, you don't know for sure. I don't know about you but that drives me absolutely mad.

 

Have you and your ex had any contact at all since the breakup?

 

The biggest issue I have in my situation is that my ex is intertwined in so many aspects of my life. I see him out on occasion, through our family, friends, social circles... and NOT A SINGLE WORD (granted I choose not to make eye contact at all in these situations, but he doesn't make an effort to initiate contact ever either). It's hard to get closure when he left something as open ended as "I need time. I want to take things week by week. Right now I can't be the guy for you, the boyfriend you deserve."

(I've learned from LS that that's what they all say regardless of if they come back or not.)

 

This led me to believe that EVENTUALLY we would talk and discuss where we stand. Even a simple phone call to acknowledge the breakup and how far we've come and either we've both moved on or not. At this point I don't think he's staying away to "not hurt me" because I haven't shown any signs of hurting to begin with since the breakup. I mean, I haven't contacted him at all in 3 months.... So far, just silence. I think it's really immature in some respect on his part.

He's being really childish in his actions as well.

 

 

**MUST STOP SOCIAL MEDIA STALKING LOL*

[Bella2]

Today came the windfall that could be maybe possibly she and the guy she left me for HAVE BROKEN UP. It is a morsel of news that means everything to me and which really means...nothing.

 

I completely understand this. My ex already had a new girlfriend three weeks after the BU and for all I know they're still together. But - if I would find out they had broken up, I would probably jump up in the air and do a happy dance

 

Stupid, isn't it? In the end, it doesn't change a thing about our own situation.

[bb1205]

I understand where you're coming from but you never know if that morsel could have EVERYTHING to do with your situation. Sometimes it takes a rebound relationship for someone to realize that that other person is not YOU, and in trying to find someone better, more exciting to reignite that spark, all they come to realize is that the rebound doesn't remotely compare to you.

[BC1980]

I understand where you're coming from but you never know if that morsel could have EVERYTHING to do with your situation. Sometimes it takes a rebound relationship for someone to realize that that other person is not YOU, and in trying to find someone better, more exciting to reignite that spark, all they come to realize is that the rebound doesn't remotely compare to you.

 

I would hate for it to take my ex getting into another relationship for him to figure out he wants to be with me. Not sure I could welcome him with open arms after that.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I understand where you're coming from but you never know if that morsel could have EVERYTHING to do with your situation. Sometimes it takes a rebound relationship for someone to realize that that other person is not YOU, and in trying to find someone better, more exciting to reignite that spark, all they come to realize is that the rebound doesn't remotely compare to you.

 

I don't think this is a healthy mindset. You shouldn't assume your ex is making any decisions based on his feelings for you. You shouldn't assume that you factor into his life in any way whatsoever. Unless he tells you otherwise, you have to take everything he does at face value. And that goes for you, too---live your life for YOU, not for him. Don't base all your decisions around what you think will bring him back.