Finally out of an abusive relationship...but I'm pregnant.

[Breezie]

I finally was brave enough to get out of the emotional, verbal and sometimes physical relationship I have been in the past year. I have been trying to get out of it for a very long time, however he legitimately refused to leave.

Let me give you a background, and then I will need advice.

 

I lived in Virginia, and met a guy prior to him that I really liked. We were good friends and decided to start dating, so I moved to Maryland for him.

That relationship did not end well, and he ended up moving out of the house we were renting. When that lease was up, I was contemplating moving to Florida, where all my family lives, because I hated my current job, and hated the state I lived in.

 

Around that time, I met this guy via the internet about a year ago, and we started dating November 1. I decided to stay in the area for him. As all relationships tend to go, everything was great the first 2 months, then problems started showing up. He didn't have a job, and he lived at home with his mom. I asked him about this, and he informed me he was just out of the military and divorced, and left California to come back to Maryland to be with his family. Supposedly he lost his house and his car in the divorce. I'm divorced, so it seemed reasonable to me. My first mistake was letting him move in with me. I have a job and supported him for several months. I got a new job, and moved 1 state away back in Virginia, and he came with me. At this point he still didn't have a job, and I was paying for rent, food, utilities, everything. Eventually, after I begged him, he got a part time night job where he makes about $200 a week. He agreed to pick up the cable bill and electricity bill, which averages about $200 a month. I continued to pay for rent, groceries etc. I had 2 cars, so I allowed him to drive the car I do not use to work, as he did not have a car.

 

Long story short, our relationship took a dive. He joined many social networking sites chatting with females, and I felt uncomfortable with that. He spoke sexually to these ladies. Again, I was uncomfortable. I decided that I wanted out in February (right after we moved) and he said he would not leave. He said I was just being mean, and that once I got over being angry, that I wouldn't want that. All the while, he hated all my friends, complained if I saw them, and essentially cut me off from being able to see them without a major deal. He spent the rest of his money that he made monthly buying marijuana seeds from a different country. He had a goal to become a dispensary (even though it's not even legal where we are).

 

The months roll by, I'm increasingly upset because I am tired of paying $1500 a month on bills to his $200. I voice my opinion, he interviews at a few other jobs. Anger and tension are still on the rise, him telling me all the things I do wrong. I'm struggling with money, so I pick up another job in May, so now I work 70 hours a week. Around this time, our fights become physical. He continually tells me how I'm doing everything wrong in the relationship, that I didn't get my ass beat enough when I was a child, that I'm an elitist, and that I hold him not having a good job over his head.

 

April comes along, and he proposes. He sold me an idea of a family, how he's going to re-inlist, and we're going to have the house with a picket fence. We're both proactively trying to fix the relationship, and both want too, so I accept.

 

I found out Mid May I'm pregnant. He's thrilled, he tells me how he "chose" me to be his kids mother etc. I had a pretty tough early pregnancy, and was literally exhausted all the time from working 70 hours a week. My morning (really evening) sickness prevented me from being able to cook everynight like I did prior. He's frustrated that I'm not keeping up the house and cooking. Our fights still continue to get worse- he's telling me that I'm probably going to kill our child because of post partum depression, that he's going to fight me for full custody, etc etc. Again, I ask him to leave, and he will not. He said again that he really wants this family as bad as I do, and that we need to strive to make it work. I agree, and continue trying to tolerate being put down daily.

 

August, I find out that he's still married. He is separated, but none of the divorce paperwork has been completed. This devistates me, because we are supposedly engaged, but yet he's still legally bound to the other woman.

He claims he was planning divorcing her quickly, and hoped I wouldn't find out. He reassured me that he still wanted a family with me, and thats what the ultimate goal is.

 

Fast forward to last week. He decided to inform me how fat and ugly that I am. He said you are huge, and all your relationships fail because you are so ugly and everyone cheats on you. Then he informs me he's been cheating on me. He also told me he wasn't serious about getting married, he woudln't marry a fat ugly bitch. I'm devistated. I get so mad, I locked him out of the house. He calls the police on me. I again ask him to leave, and he refuses. He's not on my lease, but since he's resided there for 30 days, it's legally his residence. The police inform me I have to go through the formal eviction process. He threatened me that since I am not going to let him use my 2nd car anymore, he's going to ruin me professionally. I had to alert work because of this.

 

I have left the house, because I have had nothing but a stressful pregnancy, and I really just need some peace. I'm staying with some friends.

 

The lease is coming up on my apartment, and I'm seriously considering moving to Florida. He has indicated he wants an active role in being a parent, and I don't want my child to not have a father. But I have no support system in the state where I live, and all my family is in Florida. I have permission with my job to move if I want too. I am not sure what my next move should be. If I renew my lease on my apartment, which I DO love, I would have to spend lots of money on daycare while I work. If I move to florida, I have a support system where my kid would be able to be with her grandparents during the day while I worked. Rent is a lot cheaper in florida, and I'd be able to afford a lot more. The only downside is that she wouldn't have a father proactive in her life. I don't know what the best descision would be for my child, and I need advice!

[me85]

I'm a product of divorce. My father abused my mother. She finally left him when I was 3. He has not been a part of my life and I turned out just fine without him in my life. My mother had to move in with her parents when I was 3 because after divorcing my father she had no where else to turn and needed a support system just as you do. So my grandparents raised me. They were the parental guidance I needed and I'm forever grateful for them and what they did for me.

 

I am so very happy I did not have to grow up seeing my mother and father fighting all the time and him being abusive.

 

I understand you want your child to have a father but it doesn't have to be their biological father.

 

You need to move to Florida. Your RS with this man will only get worse. It's terrible already. Think about the amount of emotional stress you're going to be under if you stay with this guy AND taking care of a newborn as well.

 

Do not waste any more time. You have enough time and your job permits the move as well so you should go.

[Zahara]

I'm seriously considering moving to Florida. He has indicated he wants an active role in being a parent, and I don't want my child to not have a father.

 

You may want to check if you can legally leave the state and move with your child without his consent as he is the biological father. I think it would be in your best interest to speak to an attorney, at least a consult before you do this -- regardless of whether or not you want him to be in a her life.

[me85]

They're not married. She can take off anytime she wants. Legally.

[tippydog90]

Breezie,

 

Please go to Florida. As fast as you can. This man sounds absolutely toxic and incredibly abusive. To say those absolutely deplorable things to you while you are pregnant, lie about still being married, and then tell you he has cheated on you?? I am appalled and my heart hurts for you. Absolutely NO good can come of having this man in your life whatsoever. I am astounded that you had to move out of your apartment while the creep is still there. Please, please go to where your family is while you can. You have not had this child yet, you are not married to him, you are free to go wherever you want at this moment in time. That "may" not be the case once the baby is born if he pursues something in court related to custody. I am not sure what the law is where you are, but I wouldn't take a chance. I would go now. While you may want your child to have a father in their life, ask yourself if you want it to be this man. Not saying you should shut him out either, but he has been abusive to you and you need to get that distance between you. If he wants to be a part of his child's life and can treat you with respect and dignity, perhaps then you can discuss it with him at that time. But to remain near him after the way he has treated you I am just afraid of how this may escalate after the baby is born. Are you going to have to work 70 hours a week to support him and a child while he sits around and berates you? Please go where your family is and let them help you through this time. Worry about his relationship with this child later. Focus on yourself right now. Take it from me, if it is this bad now, it will only get worse. Be kind to yourself. Keep us posted.

[Zahara]

They're not married. She can take off anytime she wants. Legally.

 

I believe different states have different laws. A colleague at my old job couldn't leave with her baby until custody and visitation was decided. And she wasn't married.

 

But OP, I just realized you haven't had the child yet...brain lapse, so you should just go. If I were you, I'd be heading to Florida. Don't wait any longer. Be around your family to help support you. You can figure out his role as a father later. For now, you and your baby are priority.

 

As Tippy mentioned as well, things "may" get complicated should you have the baby where you are and custody issues ensue with him.

 

I will tell you that coming from an abusive home, I would have rather parents that were happily apart, than parents that were unhappily together. She'll have more than enough people to love her and be good role models for her. I shudder to think his influence on her seeing how toxic he is. Please give yourself and your unborn baby a chance to have a better life.

Edited October 17, 2014 by Zahara

[Georgia2014]

I finally was brave enough to get out of the emotional, verbal and sometimes physical relationship I have been in the past year. I have been trying to get out of it for a very long time, however he legitimately refused to leave.

Let me give you a background, and then I will need advice.

 

I lived in Virginia, and met a guy prior to him that I really liked. We were good friends and decided to start dating, so I moved to Maryland for him.

That relationship did not end well, and he ended up moving out of the house we were renting. When that lease was up, I was contemplating moving to Florida, where all my family lives, because I hated my current job, and hated the state I lived in.

 

Around that time, I met this guy via the internet about a year ago, and we started dating November 1. I decided to stay in the area for him. As all relationships tend to go, everything was great the first 2 months, then problems started showing up. He didn't have a job, and he lived at home with his mom. I asked him about this, and he informed me he was just out of the military and divorced, and left California to come back to Maryland to be with his family. Supposedly he lost his house and his car in the divorce. I'm divorced, so it seemed reasonable to me. My first mistake was letting him move in with me. I have a job and supported him for several months. I got a new job, and moved 1 state away back in Virginia, and he came with me. At this point he still didn't have a job, and I was paying for rent, food, utilities, everything. Eventually, after I begged him, he got a part time night job where he makes about $200 a week. He agreed to pick up the cable bill and electricity bill, which averages about $200 a month. I continued to pay for rent, groceries etc. I had 2 cars, so I allowed him to drive the car I do not use to work, as he did not have a car.

 

Long story short, our relationship took a dive. He joined many social networking sites chatting with females, and I felt uncomfortable with that. He spoke sexually to these ladies. Again, I was uncomfortable. I decided that I wanted out in February (right after we moved) and he said he would not leave. He said I was just being mean, and that once I got over being angry, that I wouldn't want that. All the while, he hated all my friends, complained if I saw them, and essentially cut me off from being able to see them without a major deal. He spent the rest of his money that he made monthly buying marijuana seeds from a different country. He had a goal to become a dispensary (even though it's not even legal where we are).

 

The months roll by, I'm increasingly upset because I am tired of paying $1500 a month on bills to his $200. I voice my opinion, he interviews at a few other jobs. Anger and tension are still on the rise, him telling me all the things I do wrong. I'm struggling with money, so I pick up another job in May, so now I work 70 hours a week. Around this time, our fights become physical. He continually tells me how I'm doing everything wrong in the relationship, that I didn't get my ass beat enough when I was a child, that I'm an elitist, and that I hold him not having a good job over his head.

 

April comes along, and he proposes. He sold me an idea of a family, how he's going to re-inlist, and we're going to have the house with a picket fence. We're both proactively trying to fix the relationship, and both want too, so I accept.

 

I found out Mid May I'm pregnant. He's thrilled, he tells me how he "chose" me to be his kids mother etc. I had a pretty tough early pregnancy, and was literally exhausted all the time from working 70 hours a week. My morning (really evening) sickness prevented me from being able to cook everynight like I did prior. He's frustrated that I'm not keeping up the house and cooking. Our fights still continue to get worse- he's telling me that I'm probably going to kill our child because of post partum depression, that he's going to fight me for full custody, etc etc. Again, I ask him to leave, and he will not. He said again that he really wants this family as bad as I do, and that we need to strive to make it work. I agree, and continue trying to tolerate being put down daily.

 

August, I find out that he's still married. He is separated, but none of the divorce paperwork has been completed. This devistates me, because we are supposedly engaged, but yet he's still legally bound to the other woman.

He claims he was planning divorcing her quickly, and hoped I wouldn't find out. He reassured me that he still wanted a family with me, and thats what the ultimate goal is.

 

Fast forward to last week. He decided to inform me how fat and ugly that I am. He said you are huge, and all your relationships fail because you are so ugly and everyone cheats on you. Then he informs me he's been cheating on me. He also told me he wasn't serious about getting married, he woudln't marry a fat ugly bitch. I'm devistated. I get so mad, I locked him out of the house. He calls the police on me. I again ask him to leave, and he refuses. He's not on my lease, but since he's resided there for 30 days, it's legally his residence. The police inform me I have to go through the formal eviction process. He threatened me that since I am not going to let him use my 2nd car anymore, he's going to ruin me professionally. I had to alert work because of this.

 

I have left the house, because I have had nothing but a stressful pregnancy, and I really just need some peace. I'm staying with some friends.

 

The lease is coming up on my apartment, and I'm seriously considering moving to Florida. He has indicated he wants an active role in being a parent, and I don't want my child to not have a father. But I have no support system in the state where I live, and all my family is in Florida. I have permission with my job to move if I want too. I am not sure what my next move should be. If I renew my lease on my apartment, which I DO love, I would have to spend lots of money on daycare while I work. If I move to florida, I have a support system where my kid would be able to be with her grandparents during the day while I worked. Rent is a lot cheaper in florida, and I'd be able to afford a lot more. The only downside is that she wouldn't have a father proactive in her life. I don't know what the best descision would be for my child, and I need advice!

 

Your baby does not need this abusive man for a father. Would you really want this man in your child's life? Who knows what he would do to the child. I suggest moving to Florida. It would be more peaceful and safer for you and the baby. At least the baby would have loving grandparents. This baby does not need this abusive man in his or her life. I think the father would emotionally cause damage to the child.

[bathtub-row]

I say this all the time and it usually pisses people off. But I'll say it anyway -- abusive people have no rights, as far as I'm concerned, and they deserve whatever is dished out to them.

 

Get as far away from this monster as fast as you can. You'll need to just disappear because any discussion about this could spell real trouble. Whenever you have a child, it's always best to have a support system around you. So, you have even more reason to go.

 

Ask yourself why you want this horrible person in your child's life anyway. Do you honestly think his personality will suddenly be altered because of a child? It only means he would have one more person to torture.

[me85]

I looked into the state laws where she is…she's good to go.

[Tabitha87]

I'd go. If I knew any of the abuse was going to happen to me before, I would've had an abortion and gotten far away from my now ex.

 

Unfortunately, we now have 2 kids together so I have to deal with him for the rest of my life. However, having 2 kids together does NOT mean that I should be subjected to the constant belittling, rage fits, power struggles etc.

 

At first I thought I was doing my kids a favour, having grown up without my biological father around. I've since realized that it's not the case. My kids also act like him. It's heartbreaking. You DON'T want that for your child, I'm sure.

 

If he truly wants to be a part of his child's life, he'd make the necessary changes (be it counseling etc.). Until then, I'd leave and never look back, BEFORE you have your baby so that he can't make you stay due to court procedures etc.