Snooping, Spying and Zones of Privacy - Double Standard Between the Sexes?

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by moimeme

This is an interesting topic. LS has had discussions on privacy before and people run the gamut from 'we both see everything' to 'we each have LOTS of private space'. I guess the problem starts when one from column A gets together with one from column B.

 

 

 

yeah i think you're right on the money, moimeme.

 

 

 

and just because someone likes to have some privacy doesn't mean they are being given the opportunity to cheat. i don't want to, so there are no opportunities for me. i am private about my writing...i'm a writer, and i write poetry, short stories, stuff like that. i keep it to myself because i am self-conscious about it. if he really is interested and asks me to show him some of it ,i will, but usually i keep it to myself. i've always done that. it's got nothing to do with my relationship.

 

also, if a person is going to cheat, they will find a way to do it, no matter how much both partners are invloved in each other's lives. you can't physically be with your SO person 24/7...and it's possible to cheat without it showing up on bank statement, IMs, emails, etc.

 

i guess it really just comes down to personal preference, and like moi said, both people having similar views.

[HotCaliGirl]

I had recently posted that I had snooped through my boyfriend's credit card, bank and phone statements - I found some questionable charges to restaurants and stuff like that. I am still so heartbroken and have not brought it up to him. I think it unleashed this snoop-monster inside of me because now everytime I go to his house I start looking through his stuff when he's in the other room. It is so so terrible I don't know how to stop. I never dared to even glance at anything before to respect his privacy, now I will even read receipts laying on his desk to see what time he was at what store to purchase what!!!!!!!

 

On the other hand, I would never leave bank statements or anything private laying around where someone could find them. I still haven't found his cell phone statement so I have to keep snooping...I know it's bad but I can't help it. It is driving me nuts and I picture him taking someone else out when I am not with him, charging it on his card...

[babybear]

My bf and I see each other's text messages, and who's calling whom, just cause we're in each other's presence so much. As for email, I wouldnt want him reading mine, and me his - but that's not cause I'm cheating on him - but b/c everyone has things they want to keep to themselves. I wouldnt want him reading about my best friend's drama, or somerthing from my sister.

 

In fact, I don't think ppl SHOULD share everything.

 

 

 

Babybear

[Hund1976]

I've done some snooping in the past and every time I've dug up some dirt. I'm not advocating everyone snoop as much as possible. But if I'm in a relationship and things seem fishy I'm not going to just blindly trust someone.

[billybadass36]

This one's going to set off some people: How do you all feel about doing background/criminal checks on people you're dating? I mean to find out past convictions, marriages, divorces, children, credit problems, etc... Sort of creepy, I know, and I haven't done it, but I advised my best friend to do this on the woman he's presently dating because she seems to be the gold-digger type.

[tanbark813]

I've never done a real background check on a potential partner, but I can understand someone doing that. I do google people I start dating though. In fact, I had a girl friend start dating this guy, she googled him, and found out he was convicted for rape. The guy said he was framed, and his story seemed somewhat plausible, but that, of course, put a damper on the potential relationship.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi Billy-

 

If you remember- I posted before in your defense when you snooped and read something of your fiances I think.

 

Yeah, I've snooped before. I may or may not snoop again. I never looked through my H's stuff- never checked his cell, never checked his email, and I have ended up divorced. I don't think I will ever be that trusting again, ever.

 

I've dated two guys since my separation. I went to our local court records which are available on line and checked out charges against them just to make sure they weren't wacko. I never told either of them. Just protecting myself. I think everyone should- especially women who are somewhat defenseless in someone's home or apartment when they are alone with a man.

 

I did peek at BF's Im archive because I felt he was being evasive about something. I wish I wouldn't have looked. He wasn't lying to me it's just there was some older stuff on there I wish I wouldn't have seen- from before he dated me. I also read the stuff he had to write at the end of his marriage counseling. I wanted to see if what he'd told me rang true with what he had written and it had. At this point there is a basis of trust with us and I don't feel the need to do that. Before I knew him so well there wasn't.

 

I still say that if I was suspicious I would snoop. I don't have a problem with him looking through my stuff either. To me privacy is more of a personal thing- for instance I wouldn't want him to insist on being in the bathroom when I'm grooming my bikini area- that's private- but he should be able to read my email when he wants to if I have nothing to hide.

[HotCaliGirl]

I have been wanting to do a credit check to view debt and credit history but don't know how to ask for their social security number and permission... I think since I am a wealthy female, I need that for protection so I am not with someone who would be using me or even in general, mislead me about their situation.

 

A long term friend of mine I used to date gave me his social last year to look at his credit - his initiation, I think to show me how much he trusts me. We are both well off and his credit was one of the highest I have ever seen, but for the ordinary guy, how do you say - "do you mind if I look at your financial history going back 10 years, all I need is your social sec. #"...

 

Any suggestions how to go about asking?????

[billybadass36]

There are ways to get it without asking for it. If you don't want to go into all that, just hire a PI.

[tiki]

Look on his driver's license. Mine's on there.

[HotCaliGirl]

They don't print socials on driver's lic. out here in CA...

I have contacted a PI though - is that bad??

[tiki]

Only if you're him!

[HotCaliGirl]

ok, I'm nervous how this is all going to go down - I might ask him to do some following and other stuff too - too tempting...scary too what I might find out. I am waiting for someone to say STOP...I will be assigned a PI by the end of the day....yikes...isn't there a saying knowledge is power? Maybe I'm entitled to know as much as possible.

[CurlyIam]

Irrespective of his cheating you, the minute he founds out you've hired a PI, you guys are H-I-S-T-O-R-Y !!!!!

 

Get all the info alone. You caaaaan do it!

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by HotCaliGirl

ok, I'm nervous how this is all going to go down - I might ask him to do some following and other stuff too - too tempting...scary too what I might find out. I am waiting for someone to say STOP...I will be assigned a PI by the end of the day....yikes...isn't there a saying knowledge is power? Maybe I'm entitled to know as much as possible.

 

let us know what happens, girlie...

 

and obviously, don't let him find out!

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by tanbark813

I've never done a real background check on a potential partner, but I can understand someone doing that. I do google people I start dating though. In fact, I had a girl friend start dating this guy, she googled him, and found out he was convicted for rape. The guy said he was framed, and his story seemed somewhat plausible, but that, of course, put a damper on the potential relationship.

 

hey why not? if businesses do it, why shouldn't people? a company doesn't want to get screwed, so why should people take a risk in a personal relationship?

 

i think, however, if you are going to do this, you may as well do it in the beginning because at that point you don't owe them anything. they can't say "you should have trusted me" because well, why should you have?

 

i don't know that i would ever do this without some reason. it's a bit paranoid, but hey, the way things are going, you have to be a little bit, right?

 

oh and by all this i meant the criminal backround checks...googling is, well...like looking through yearbooks, except...really...not like that i guess....

 

 

it's late and i'm out of it.

[HotCaliGirl]

I highly recommend all of you out there to hire a PI on your significant other - boyfirned or husband. They are ALL cheaters. I am gathering the most shocking info. I could not have imagined on someone who I would never have suspected anything from other than some suspicions lately.... The truth hurts and if you are strong enough, you should find the truth about your "relationship" and deal with it accordingly.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by HotCaliGirl

I highly recommend all of you out there to hire a PI on your significant other - boyfirned or husband. They are ALL cheaters. I am gathering the most shocking info. I could not have imagined on someone who I would never have suspected anything from other than some suspicions lately.... The truth hurts and if you are strong enough, you should find the truth about your "relationship" and deal with it accordingly.

 

Wow... sorry to hear about that..

[tiki]

Uh-oh.

 

Not tryin to be tacky, but do tell!!!

[Mz. Pixie]

Hot Cali-

 

Was this the same guy with the receipts and the Super Bowl thingy??

[HotCaliGirl]

Yes Mz. Pixie - that's him. Thanks for following my saga. I am in such pain I can't think right now. I am going to go have a few drinks to calm down a little bit and will provide you guys with some info for an eye-opener for those who believe in the myth that men are faithful. IF you as a man are, maybe you make up less than 1% of the population.

[tiki]

How long had you dated this dude? How much did all this cost you, overall?

[billybadass36]

Let us know what you found out, your experience with the PI, etc. Sorry to hear about your situation, but sounds like it's best you found out now, on your own, before you spent any more time or emotional currency on this guy. I totally believe that at the outset of a new relationship EVERYONE, male and female, needs to check out their partners. There's just too much at stake when you let someone into various intimate parts of your life.

[HotCaliGirl]

Small update -Well, this is the first weekend we have not spent together and it is very difficult. I have known him for five years and together for a fraction of that. Reading the posts here helps to keep me occupied, but overall I feel very hurt. I wish I did not find out what I did.

 

I don't know how long the cheating had been going on - I can't bear to talk to him. I will admit some fault as far as maybe driving him to do it? I was lately getting very jealous and maybe he noticed and acted on it. I don't know. I just want to fast forward time so that I have moved on and no longer feel how I am feeling.

[billybadass36]

So did you do the whole PI thing and catch the dude red-handed? If so, then I think anyone on here who suspects cheating should go that route. Peace of mind is priceless if you're like me and just brood and brood over what's "possibly" going on. That's my take anyway. I'm tired of people laying the "trust" trump card on that, too. These days "trust" is synonymous with "naive".