mrsrav Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 My husband was cheated on several decades ago and is still broken up behind it. When some one refuses to get counseling and will not forgive, this can really affect relationships after that. I have heard that this can cause the person to punish the next person and it may harden their heart so that they become physically and emotionally unavailable. They may even have anger management issues also. Do you believe that these things can happen as a result of being cheated on again and again by someone? Link to post Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 It all depends on the guy. Obviously he has taken it very hard. It is time you push him to go into counseling with out you at first, until there is trust with him and the counselor. If he is unwilling, then you need to look out for your emotional stability, even it you need to separate. If you separate, don't back down and let him know that he is pushing you away. Though something tells me he will think you are cheating by the act of separation. So, be prepared to see his bad side show. What ever you do, he must be shown that it is his actions that are tearing apart the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 I think if a betrayed spouse does not do the emotional work to heal from the absolute trauma ( and it is trauma) of being cheated on, emotional issues would absolutely persist, no matter the partner. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 I have been with my husband for 13 years, married for 9. His first wife cheated on him. He is always on high alert when it comes to cheating. He still hates his ex-wife. They had no children together, but I bet if she tried to talk to him on the street he would walk right by. For me, it's hard to relate because her cheating led to a divorce which led him to me, and we have two beautiful children. I am so "get over it"...but I don't say that because I've never been cheated on so I don't know how it feels. I can be stubborn and unforgiving...but I am not sure I could hold a grudge for 13 years when I've so obviously moved on. Seems silly to me. And yes...I know my experience is WAY different than what a bs goes through. Link to post Share on other sites
revelations Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 My husband was cheated on several decades ago and is still broken up behind it. When some one refuses to get counseling and will not forgive, this can really affect relationships after that. I have heard that this can cause the person to punish the next person and it may harden their heart so that they become physically and emotionally unavailable. They may even have anger management issues also. Do you believe that these things can happen as a result of being cheated on again and again by someone? Yes this can be very much the case. One of the major troubles with being cheated on is that it can alter your perception of the world around you in a very bad way. You may be the perfect wife, one that any man would love to be with. You may never even entertain the thought of cheating or hurting your husband in any way. You husband may feel this way about you now also, however the difference is that he may be waiting for the bomb to drop. Your husband may see things as going good now and wondering when it will blow up in his face like his last marriage or relationship before you. I know it is not fair to judge you by someone else actions, however in the case of cheating it is very difficult not to. One of your biggest problems is that your husband will not get IC for it. Now IC is not a cure all for overcoming a past love cheating on you. However it can help to adjust a persons perspective so that they do not take it out on someone that is innocent. You may want to learn all you can about cheating and how it effects people, mainly men. Remember that men and women do think differently. To give you an example on cheating most men are more hurt by the physical aspects of the cheating, while women are usually more hurt by the emotional side of the cheating. Now remember that man or woman both emotional and physical will hurt, it is just that one can be a deeper wound than the other. If your husband will talk to you about what happened when he got cheated on this may give you some good insight about how to help him a bit. To give you an example let's say that your husbands ex-wife cheated on him during a girls night out. She went out with a few single friends, got a little tipsy and banged some random guy. Now your the new wife and aware of the cheating of the ex-wife, however not sure of all the details. You go on a girls night out with your friends that are all married and also never think of cheating. Your husband does not say a thing about you going out with your friends, however while you are out your husband is wondering if you are doing the same thing his ex did. This is because the action of going on the girls night out triggers the memory of what his ex did. So the solution to this is to first introduce him to your girlfriends, let him know they are married and never cheated, or even single and don't like cheaters or cheating. The first couple of girls nights out you tell him he is welcomed to come along if he would like (of course after warning your friends of the situation). This is a way of showing your husband that your not hiding nothing. You may also give him the name of the place you will be at, and the phone number to the place should he get too worried. However the important thing is that before going out, ask him if it is okay and if it will cause him any bad thoughts about the past. Now that is just one example of how to try and work past one issue. Remember this does not mean that you do this forever or anything like that. This example is just how you may start a process of showing your husband that your not a cheater. The more you know about your husbands experience with cheating the better you can work with him so that your lives will improve. I know the example above seems like a lot to do and it is. However the more you show that you have nothing to hide and the more you show your willing to work with him, the walls will eventually come down. So read up all you can about cheating and the effects it has. Learn about triggers and what causes them and why. Learn as much as you can about what happened to your husband and try to figure out a way to help both you and him to deal with it. Another thing is that it never hurts to reassure your husband from time to time. I am sorry that your in a situation were you are basically paying for another persons bad choice. It is not right and it is not fair. Your husband probably feels the same way about it, however is just not sure how to change it or maybe afraid to change. Your husband may feel that if he lets his guard down or lets you in too close that this is when the bombshell will drop on him again. It is a rough road for you to walk and one you do not deserve. I wish you the best and hopefully your husband will get some IC for this. However until then just learn all you can and try and work with it the best you can. Take care and don't give up on him. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 I got IC after my first marriage. I was just coming out of the mess in my head when I started dating my now wife. However, my self esteem issues did not fully get resolved until later in our marriage through more IC. I wish I had gotten this all resolved before dating. My wife got very short and VERY horrible therapy after the end of her first marriage betrayal - it really messed her up and our marriage terribly. So its about getting the right therapy. Being cheated don is a form of abuse. I applaud you for being patient with a partner that hade this happen to them, but he could use some good IC. One way you could help nudge him, is to search for a good therapist, meet with that counselor and say to your husband that YOU need to go and would he accompany you. I know its kind of a lie, but what ever gets the therapy conversation going. It can be "I don't know how to be a good enough wife to help my husband overcome his trust issues" this kind of takes it off his plate - but the therapist would pick up on this comment in couples therapy- and zoom to him right away and lead you both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 My husband was cheated on several decades ago and is still broken up behind it. When some one refuses to get counseling and will not forgive, this can really affect relationships after that. I have heard that this can cause the person to punish the next person and it may harden their heart so that they become physically and emotionally unavailable. They may even have anger management issues also. Do you believe that these things can happen as a result of being cheated on again and again by someone? Of course they can. Everything that happens in the past affects our behavior in the future. Don't condemn him for not seeking counseling - some people just can't bring themselves to share their pain. And hardening his heart is a reasonable reaction to such a horrible, traumatic betrayal. As for forgiveness - that's his cross to bear. I myself will never forgive my cheating wife. I wish I would have ended it back when it happened but I didn't and I will live with that horrible decision for the rest of my life. At least he ended it and was able to restore some level of his self respect. It could be worse... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 My husband was cheated on several decades ago and is still broken up behind it. When some one refuses to get counseling and will not forgive, this can really affect relationships after that. I have heard that this can cause the person to punish the next person and it may harden their heart so that they become physically and emotionally unavailable. They may even have anger management issues also. Do you believe that these things can happen as a result of being cheated on again and again by someone? He didn't do counseling to rid of his pain and mistrust, instead he buried it and now it's his emotional baggage he never dealt with but it's come up and affecting your marriage and how he relates to you. He has to get help otherwise your marriage is going to be rocky, his mistrust and possible accusations (has he ever accused you of cheating on him?) will chip away and eventually ruin your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 It shows the toll cheating can take. I can say after I was cheated on I did not need anger management or anything, but I did have severe trust issues that were transferred over to other girls who had done nothing wrong. In some ways this is good, I think in some cases it can teach you to be less blind to the writing on the wall..when it comes to figuring out if someone is playing you. Though yeah, it's hard to say to someone "I don't trust you because I've been betrayed too many times in the past by other people". Even though that can sometimes be the case, if enough people hurt you..then you put your guard up for everyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 My husband was cheated on several decades ago and is still broken up behind it. When some one refuses to get counseling and will not forgive, this can really affect relationships after that. I have heard that this can cause the person to punish the next person and it may harden their heart so that they become physically and emotionally unavailable. They may even have anger management issues also. Do you believe that these things can happen as a result of being cheated on again and again by someone? You give the impression that you believe this is what is happening to you; your H is treating YOU badly, because of what his ex did? And won't accept his part in it, nor will he go to counselling? Is that it? Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 My husband was cheated on several decades ago and is still broken up behind it. When some one refuses to get counseling and will not forgive, this can really affect relationships after that. I have heard that this can cause the person to punish the next person and it may harden their heart so that they become physically and emotionally unavailable. They may even have anger management issues also. Do you believe that these things can happen as a result of being cheated on again and again by someone? It's like being emotionally abused or raped. Sometimes those scars never go away. Another odd thing of note is that I hear men who never considered an affair before... are suddenly obsessed by it after being cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
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