Total Abuser or What? Time to run?

[lonelyctg]

I'm at my wits end here. I need someone to talk to about this. If anyone would like to contact me, please send your email address.

My husband kicked my daughter out of the apartment almost 2.5 months ago now. He states that there is no way she is returning. It is a big long story as to what led up to her being kicked out.

Years ago, we went through verbal and some psy. abuse with him. We got counsling, and it stopped. I should say my husband and I got counsling. Well, my daughter has never liked my husband, because he is very dominating. He likes things done a certain way. Not a clean freak, but sort of. He prides himself on being the same birth sign as Hilter-yes, really. He says he is super intellgent and since he has lived all around the world, he knows he is right. Not about everything, but about my daughter. He feels her behaviour (talking back to me) is not acceptable, I told him it is normal teenage behaviour, and who could blame her for acting out when she was thrown into a situation of a new man in the house. He says I raised her wrong, and didnt displine her correctly. He blames the violence and his actions on her, that he lived a peaceful life for 7 years before coming into this home and having a teenage brat with an attitude. She caused this. And because i put up with her mouth and didnt stop her, I caused him to be this way with me.

He has said that Americans are wrong for accepting this type of behaviour from teens (talking back, attitude) and calling it normal. (His mother was from england, he was raised in canada).

I can barely take much more. I am so depressed, I am numb. I had a day off of work today, and I stared at the wall. I drove to the store, and dont even remember driving. I am on autopilot. I miss my daughter, I want her to move back home, but he will not allow it. I dont know what to do.

Counsiling? He won't go.

He's at work right now, which is the only reason I am writing this right now. Has anyone been in this situation? When we are out together, we have fun. He lays the gifts on me, he takes me out to dinner- he CAN be sweet as pie, but if I bring up my daughter's name, or talk about how much i miss her or want her home? Watch out. The dragon comes out. Or should I say Hitler.

Of course he says ALL his friends agree with him, that she should have been kicked out....the last draw was when she called the police on him. She told the cops he was verbally abusing her. Which she claims he did all the time while i was at work. HE says no, he ignored her when she was home.

Edited October 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
forgot info

[Ronni_W]

lonelyctg,

There isn't anything in your post about what is still attracting you to this man. I suspect you already know that it's not really a situation that you want to be in...and I suspect that you would counsel your daughter to RUN LIKE HECK, if she ever found herself stuck with a man like this.

 

I'm not sure that gifts and dinners out would be, or should be, enough for anyone to tolerate the rest of it...which really is just ugly and disempowering. Not to mention what you have put your daughter through, by giving this man so much control over you.

 

I get that there can be financial considerations or you not feeling fully competent and capable of taking care of your basic necessities of life. But especially if that is not the case, and even if it is...???

 

It is perfectly fine and acceptable for you to give yourself permission to make good and wise decisions for yourself, that will fully support your own happiness, freedom and fulfillment.

 

Hugs and best.

[beach]

How old is your daughter?

 

Has your daughter had any issues with alcohol or drugs?

 

You should never post an email on a public forum - ask moderators to remove it.

[d0nnivain]

If your daughter is a minor or otherwise needs your support, I'm at a loss as to why you would pick anyone over your flesh & blood.

 

If you agree that she is a discipline problem, can you speak with her about being better behaved?

 

If she's right & he abused her while you were at work, why aren't you siding with her to file criminal charges? No amount of gifts or sweetness can make up for violence toward your kid.

[beach]

Where did your daughter move to?

[Keenly]

As a son who's mother chose to be with an abusive alcoholic stepfather and ignore the pain he was inflicting on me emotionally, you need to listen to what I'm about to say very carefully.

 

 

Whatever you decide to do about this situation will affect the relationship between you and your daughter for the rest of your life. If you choose your husband over your daughter, your daughter will lose all respect for you, rightfully so as you're essentially abandoning her, and you'll never get it back. EVER.

 

 

 

 

I don't understand how you allowed this situation to happen. You let a man come into your life and dictate your life and your daughters life to fit him. What you SHOULD have been doing, since you invited him into your family, is making him be the one to assimilate.

 

 

Do not stand around and play helpless wife and mother with the deer on the headlights look while your husband severs your relationship with your daughter.

 

 

 

Do you know what males do in nature? When they find a new mate with offspring, they kill the offspring. That's essentially what this man is doing, driving a wedge between you two and her and you allow him to do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You need to think long and hard about what's more important to you. Your companion, or your daughter.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Keenly hit it right on the head: "You let a man come into your life and dictate your life and your daughters life to fit him. What you SHOULD have been doing, since you invited him into your family, is making him be the one to assimilate."

 

Anyone who treats my loved one, especially my child, with anything other than respect and love, is not one I would ever be involved with.

 

You can't even bring up your daughter's name or say you miss her without him throwing a fit...

 

Oh but he gives you gifts and takes you out to dinner...

 

Just. Wow.

 

I feel incredible sadness for your daughter.

Edited October 17, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove

[intricate]

You need to get your daughter back and kick that man's ass out of your life.

[bathtub-row]

To answer your initial questions, yes, he's a total abuser and, yes, it's time to run.

 

You are, in essence, choosing a man over your daughter. And, here's the bad news, not only are you alienating your daughter, your choice is causing her to feel unloved by you. This is, all the way around, extremely bad, bad, bad.

 

Just the brief amount of things you describe of this marriage makes me feel like I'm in prison and it makes me want to scream. It sounds like this great love of yours who showers you with gifts is about to cause you to have a nervous break-down. Please do not let him do this to you! And please do not let him alienate you from your daughter! This is a very common trait of abusers. They want to isolate their victim away from everyone else. And the sad fact is, there's a secret part of you that's flattered that someone wants to do that to you and keep him all for himself. Well, it's not a compliment. It's simply sick and twisted and it will bring you a lifetime of misery.

 

You have no idea the monster you're dealing with. I cannot say this enough, please stop having conversations with this man about your relationship with him, about counseling, about your daughter, about anything important because it is and always will be his way or the highway. People like this will drive you to a mental institution. Please, please, please leave him! Make plans, without his knowledge, to find a new place and leave him like a very, very bad habit. Because that's exactly what he is.

 

Do not be fooled by the nice things he does. They mean nothing except to play on your human nature and guilt and confusion, and to distract you from what he's really made of. As far as your daughter is concerned, she has every right to be angry and she no longer respects you because of the choices you're making. Every day that you stay with this man, you have chosen his side against your daughter.

 

I would also recommend the book by Lundy Bancroft entitled, "Why Does He Do That?" Just make sure your husband doesn't see this book because it will make him livid. It is a very revealing book about how the minds of abusers work. Once you understand it, you will never look at him in the same way.

 

Think about this. You have to be on the computer secretly to write on this board. In case you hadn't noticed, this is not even close to being a healthy relationship. And if your daughter says that he verbally abuses her when you're not around, you should believe it.