Is there always something missing???

[ww]

i never said I hated him bc he decided to leave.

As I said I don`t hate him

I just needed a temporary feeling of hate and anger

[sami]

Anger? YES. Hate? NO. Hate will eat us from inside out.

[ww]

ok than. it was ANGER. ( whatever we want to call it )

I neede it to be able to move on.

I am not saying i was proud of it .

Anyway : hate is the consequence of fear. we fear something before we hate it. In my case I feared being hurt.

[MySugaree]

When it comes to divining what drives the human heart, it's best never to say "always." This is doubly true when it comes to adultery, where the motives are shrouded in self-deception, rationalization and excuse.

 

The causes of adultery are multifactorial, overdetermined and unique to each cheater and couple.As not all adulterous relationships are created equal--compare the one night "quickie" with the 5-year shadow "marriage"--not all adulterers necessarily experience "problems" in themselves or their marriages that drive them to cheat.

 

Sometimes people have sex outside marriage because it's fun, exciting and hot. These people have solid marriages (and egos) but stray for the thrill, which is usually fueled by liquor and work friendships. Sometimes people cheat and absolutely nothing is missing in their spouse, their marriage or themselves.

 

Affairs happen. That they happen often as a fortuitous product of circumstance, as opposed to character or relationship deficiencies, scares alot of people who strive to affix a therapeutic or moral structure/explanation to what is often an arbitrary or capricious life event. Sometimes bad things just happen.

[whichwayisup]

Sometimes bad things just happen.

 

Yup but it's a bad thing that happened by CHOICE...Noone holds a gun to someones head and says 'cheat!'

 

ok than. it was ANGER. ( whatever we want to call it )

I neede it to be able to move on.

I am not saying i was proud of it .

Anyway : hate is the consequence of fear. we fear something before we hate it. In my case I feared being hurt.

True. I think frustration and being fed up is a better term. Can only take so much crap in life until ya gotta say enough!

[sami]

True!!! though most of us don't want to admit it.

[SummerRae]

yes, there's definitely no easy answers... I'm at this strange spot of having forgiven ex-MM (though he doesn't know it, hehe) and I am just feeling at peace with how things turned out. I know without doubt that he is not happy where he is and with who HE IS, whether or not that has something to do with W or not, I have no idea, but to me that's not the point. He has something in him that needed fillin'. Just like I had something in me that needed filling and perhaps I thought he had what I needed.

 

I think psychologists call it projection? I realize I definitely projected onto him all the qualities I wanted. I wanted to be more strong, so I saw him as this strong, unfaultering super hero. I wanted to be more courageous, so I saw him as this outgoing, fearless military man. I wanted to just enjoy life and not think about it as much as I do, and he definitely helped me do that, we were always doing new and exciting things.

 

Whatever the moral implications to our relationship (though I didn't know he was married for a LONG time...), I don't regret what we had, whether it was all in my imagination or not. He showed me how I wanted to be treated, what qualities I want in a man. He made me feel sexy and beautful and that it was ok to be an "intellectual," that I was fine the way I am, which I often, often have questioned in my life.

 

In some ways, he did complete me. But that was not healthy in the grand scheme of things. I need to figure out how to fulfill my own needs and wants... which I know may take a very long time.

 

JMHO.

[ww]

BINGO!

[lynnered]

i think to often we over think way toooo much ,

there's no black or white easy answer to any of life's problems ,

in my MM situation ,

i know what was missing with him &W,

and i gave him those things ,

not PURPOSELY,

but once someone has a taste of what there missing its hard to let go!!

he knew he was wrong to even marry her,

he felt he got her preg ,

he got himself into this ,

and at this point ,

i NC but he still IMS and stuff ,

he misses me alot ,

that helps ,

i still have like WW ,the anger inside ,

i just resent him so much for not doing the right thing,

but i made my choices ,

at this point ,

i don't care where the chips fall ,

don't care about the why ,what could have been ,

we will all be OK as long as we chose to be,

lets stop wallowing in ,the what ifs ,he was my soul mate ,

whatever, that does not mean it will work out,

EMPTY YOUR MIND &THE ANSWERS WILL COME,

WHEN I TRY TO HARD TO THINK OF AN ANSWER IT WILL NOT COME .

I THINK OF THE BUDDHISTS DO THE SAME THING TO ACHIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT-

JUST FOCUS ON NOTHING!!