Anyone resigned to being single forever?

[ballycastle]

I have been on and off this forum for 2 years and in that time I have had 2 breakups. Both of them with guys who actively pursued me then decided 'they didn't want a relationship'. There was 15 months break from first to second, therapy and healing. The second knew me before and told me that the first ex was 'a fool to breakup with me,' actively pursued then after 3 months 'was not over his ex.' Both started distancing themselves so I knew the signs.

 

 

I am a 48 year old single parent. I know now with every hurt (and this one has been the worst because we both talked about being hurt and making sure we wouldn't to one another). I kept my end of the 'deal', he didn't.

 

 

With that I can no longer trust being with another man, which is horrific to think that for the next 35 years I will never share the intimacies of relationship because I DO NOT BELIEVE anything anyone says anymore. I don't believe there is a single man who wants to wholeheartedly have a relationship with me. And that is a terrible thing to say but like all these websites I can't pretend to be who I am and that is someone who feels things deeply, rather than these websites that have women never showing a man a single emotion, instead to show it to your friends. That to me is warped and not true to yourself.

 

 

I am totally devastated with the life I have had to make for myself to not be hurt ever again so therefore be single. I cannot take the risk as both times in my breakups I have needed intensive therapy. I cannot leave my son to live without a mother who has committed suicide for being broken hearted. I was abandoned by a child, have anxiety preoccupied personality type and am extremely sensitive. Maybe I am just not meant to be with someone despite yearning for it.

 

 

I read everywhere that you get over each breakup, but I don't think it's true. Yes you may be able in time to come to terms with it, but breaks leave scars and past behaviour (ie my anxiety/lack of trust) becomes future behaviour.

 

 

Anyone else middle aged that is in the same boat as me, yearns for love but due to hurt have built up walls like the avoidant types to not get close? I have become a hermit, even platonic friendships now are too much. It's worse when everyone around you is married/getting married and you're left wondering, 'Am I so bad?'

 

 

I used to be so outgoing but am a bear shell now. The ex just stopped talking to me in June and I haven't reached out. There's only so many times you can keep hurting yourself

[Jet Lag]

Hey

 

I am your age. This is the first time I have been heartbroken and let me tell you, I have been devastated.

 

I am telling friends once I get over him I truly believe I will be happy to be on my own (at least whilst the kids live with me).

 

I think it is a bit different to you though because I really believe I would be happy that way once this grief has passed...though maybe it is just a defence mechanism and I just think that so I can't get hurt like this again.

[ballycastle]

Thanks for the reply. I am glad you can see through the fog, that's comforting. But I do all my hobbies, more even to keep going but I am just empty inside.

 

 

When I was in my twenties I couldn't understand why people my age didn't 'get back on the bike' and find love again. I am that person now and its sad because I believe I would make a wonderful life partner if someone would give me the chance.

 

 

How do you get your self esteem back when people constantly let you down?

[Jet Lag]

Hey

 

I'm not really seeing through the fog - YET! In fact, if it wasn't for people constantly convincing me (and that it is now easier than it was a month ago - though I still cry every day) I wouldn't believe it at all.

 

And I know how you feel. I make myself do things but I'll be doing it just wishing he was with me...or wishing that I was just with him.

 

Most of my adult life I've considered I have good self esteem. My long term partner really helped me with that. Unfortunately, I didn't love him as I should and I ended it without much pain. People here would say my self esteem is not good or I wouldn't have been treated like I was in the relationship, wouldn't have been such a doormat. I see where they are coming from but never feel I lost my self esteem.

 

I guess when joy comes back into your life maybe you will feel differently...or maybe you will be happy just being you whether with someone or alone.

 

I really hope things start feeling more positive for you - and me.

 

Hugs.

[ralfgarnett]

I am 49 y/o and separated from my 43 y/o wife since July, we were together 20 wonderful years, BUT I too cant see myself with anyone else, tbh I think im too old to start again I will be 50 in December and have resigned myself to being lonely or on my own now for the rest of my life, even been planning trips on my own which scares me but I need a break and neither am I going to let this ruin my life, you only get one shot at it so don't let any f-cker ruin it for you that is not what your parents brought you in to the world for.

[True Gent]

We don't know what the next day has in store, never mind the rest of our lives.

 

It's not realistic to expect to be alone for ever. I can understand losing hope at times because life can suck, but nothing is permanent even all of the crappy and hopeless spells don't last. There is always something else around the corner...

 

Beleive in yourself, you must never give up on 'YOU'

[ballycastle]

We don't know what the next day has in store, never mind the rest of our lives.

 

It's not realistic to expect to be alone for ever. I can understand losing hope at times because life can suck, but nothing is permanent even all of the crappy and hopeless spells don't last. There is always something else around the corner...

 

Beleive in yourself, you must never give up on 'YOU'

 

I realise it is not realistic but it's a fact for some people. You only have to read from thousands of other sites, including here, where people accept the dating pool is full of others who don't self assess and continue to hurt others (like myself). Yes there is something around the corner, it's my family. That's it. I can no longer trust that anyone who says they want to make an effort to be in a relationship with me does, particularly since for the past 15 years all my relationships have failed. So I have to conclude that I do not have the makings of being in one. I am fundamentally flawed.

 

 

There is NO MAN on the planet I believe who will be able to DEAL with the fact that I am anxious due to life events, anxiety born from consistently being lied to/let down/abandoned. It gets worse as you get older, people are paired off, less like to meet someone who is single and emotionally available. Like I say past behaviour is future behaviour. I used to be full of love for others, and now I am just as emotionally unavailable as the rest. And I never thought I would be like this. But I have to survive.

 

 

I used to have down spots and hope but in the last year I have lost my job and a partner who I thought would support me through it, but in the end you are alone.

 

 

How anyone finds someone and is happy is way beyond me. So with that I have to make plans to be alone. I am done although I am devastated that this is what has happened, but it must be for a reason.

[Allumere]

Huni, I'll join you on that couch.

 

I'm 45 and with the end of each relationship (none of which were ended by me) the depth of pain and length of recovery has multiplied. I too was with men that had been through some rough experience and we talked in-depth about how those experiences affected us, changed us etc....and with that I assumed trust had been built. And I too kept up my side of the bargain 100%. In the aftermath has been much therapy although I can say it was not helpful, rather passage of time eased some of the issues. Let me say that these men (those after ex-husband) didn't cheat, weren't abusive....nothing like that. I have forgiven them and still care for them.

 

I have had this conversation often over the past 6 months as I get asked "why are you single?" And interestingly enough everyone's comment in the end is "how were you ever able to date and trust anyone". Those comments coming not only from folks 10 years my junior and 20 years older....all men (not on dates...I do have male friends, I work with mostly men and all these gents are happily married). My response is that it took work...tons of it...to try and manage anxieties, communicate clearly rather than get emotionally overwhelm, and treat each man as unique and not fall into the trap of treating them based on how others treated me in the past. Sadly, no matter the work, honesty, openness etc. the end result has been the same and I simply can't risk my mental and physical health again. I have only my Dad, no other family, so I need to be there for him if needed. I have to take care of myself and be able to work so I can take care of what I have and retire before I am 92.

 

I have a dear friend who is a minister. I called him after the last breakup because the core issue was religion. I explained to him how the general assumption is that every time you go through something like this you are suppose to learn, toughen up so that you manage better next time. He said that is rarely the case. It isn't like breaking a bone that becomes stronger when healed, its more like burned flesh. It will heal, but forever changed, it is not as strong, and with each addition injury it is less resilient.

[True Gent]

I realise it is not realistic but it's a fact for some people. You only have to read from thousands of other sites, including here, where people accept the dating pool is full of others who don't self assess and continue to hurt others (like myself). Yes there is something around the corner, it's my family. That's it. I can no longer trust that anyone who says they want to make an effort to be in a relationship with me does, particularly since for the past 15 years all my relationships have failed. So I have to conclude that I do not have the makings of being in one. I am fundamentally flawed.

 

 

There is NO MAN on the planet I believe who will be able to DEAL with the fact that I am anxious due to life events, anxiety born from consistently being lied to/let down/abandoned. It gets worse as you get older, people are paired off, less like to meet someone who is single and emotionally available. Like I say past behaviour is future behaviour. I used to be full of love for others, and now I am just as emotionally unavailable as the rest. And I never thought I would be like this. But I have to survive.

 

 

I used to have down spots and hope but in the last year I have lost my job and a partner who I thought would support me through it, but in the end you are alone.

 

 

How anyone finds someone and is happy is way beyond me. So with that I have to make plans to be alone. I am done although I am devastated that this is what has happened, but it must be for a reason.

 

Everything you are saying indicates you have given up. If you give up on people completely then yes you'll be alone indefinitely. That will be because of your current mindset and actions.

 

People are unreliable, deceitful and selfish. That is true, BUT not everyone is. You've been let down by men, I guarantee you that thousands of men out there have been let down by women too! You aren't alone in feeling this, you can only ever 100% rely on yourself. That's just a fact of life, it doesn't mean there aren't good people who will love you.

 

I think the first person you need to look at is yourself, not to be rude or anything but thinking like you are is only going to hurt and hinder yourself.

Edited October 18, 2014 by True Gent

[ComingInHot]

Wait a minute. Are you asking if other are resigned to be 'single' the rest of their lives OR go without intimacy for the rest of their lives because that would make a difference in my response.

 

I don't think I'd have a problem being single forever SO LONG AS I still had ssssssex often enough for me. That and good friends*

 

In truth though and to clarify, I have yet to navigate those waters. It's coming up soon but as of today, my above response stands. (Could change in a year or two, who knows? *)

[Itspointless]

I can't pretend to be who I am and that is someone who feels things deeply, rather than these websites that have women never showing a man a single emotion, instead to show it to your friends. That to me is warped and not true to yourself. [...] I was abandoned by a child, have anxiety preoccupied personality type and am extremely sensitive. Maybe I am just not meant to be with someone despite yearning for it.

Who wants a woman who doesn't show emotion? Insecurity is something else, insecurity can turn into controling behaviour.

 

Ofcourse there a man out there that is a good fit for you, but perhaps that is a different kind of man than you have been looking for.

[ballycastle]

, You can only ever 100% rely on yourself. That's just a fact of life, it doesn't mean there aren't good people who will love you.

 

I think the first person you need to look at is yourself, not to be rude or anything but thinking like you are is only going to hurt and hinder yourself.

 

So why do people have relationships if you are only meant to rely on yourself? That's why I am on these sites to try to understand. I thought relationships like friendships were meant to add colour to your life, support and help you through. So why not be alone?

 

 

Yes I will spend forever looking at myself. I always do. Go off and try to learn something. But I am in pain. I wanted to share that that was all.

[ballycastle]

Who wants a woman who doesn't show emotion? Insecurity is something else, insecurity can turn into controling behaviour.

 

Ofcourse there a man out there that is a good fit for you, but perhaps that is a different kind of man than you have been looking for.

 

 

Hi thanks perhaps you are right. But I have found it very difficult to meet someone who understands me! I am not saying I am weird or anything but as a writer I have a big imagination that tends to get lost on people, men included. So that is why I have found it increasingly difficult with anyone on the same page as me.

 

 

Not everyone is meant to be with someone!

[Itspointless]

Hi thanks perhaps you are right. But I have found it very difficult to meet someone who understands me! I am not saying I am weird or anything but as a writer I have a big imagination that tends to get lost on people, men included. So that is why I have found it increasingly difficult with anyone on the same page as me.

 

Not everyone is meant to be with someone!

I am 13 years younger than you, but I understand your trouble finding someone who resonates with you. The trouble is that if I understand right the people that do get me moving the most are the ones I actually have to avoid as they are not capable of save attachments (according to psychological writings it is ). It is awful how we recreate our pasts as it looks like a certain insecurity within the other rocks our boat.

 

I do not believe in fate but coincidental crossings, so I keep my hopes up, for me and for you Perhaps it it does not happen, but I think it will at some point with a good person. Until that time I try to learn and grow as much as I can and live my life. Life does not begin with an other entering our lives.

[Hoosfoos]

Hi there,

I am right there with you with your feelings. I'm a 44 year old guy. At this point in my life, I don't think I will ever trust again. The last relationship I was in had so much potential but she kicked me to the curb, and this has happened for the umpteenth time. I don't see how you can get stronger and wiser with each heartbreak, since this one is the worst I have ever dealt with. Everything has changed - the way I spend my time, my relationship with friends and family, the way I look at the world, life, and other people, and my body chemistry. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere; all my friends and family are all busy making plans with their significant others, and here I am, shattered, alone. What bothers me the most is that the circumstances I have found myself in are a result of doing what everyone else has been doing...yet somehow I am not permitted to being in this exclusive little club. The pain of breakups has been too great, with each one being worse than the last. I am confident I will never love again. You are not alone with the way you feel.

[BC1980]

OP, I'm 33 and feel the way you do sometimes. It just seems like such an overwhelming prospect to find love again. My last relationship burned me badly. I was deeply betrayed, and it won't be soon before I trust again. I try to be positive, but I can't do it all the time. I can't keep that optimism at all times.

 

I just wonder what is the point of it all. Every time, I want to trust people and believe in them, and they keep proving me wrong. What is the purpose of finding love when I know, at any minute, the other person might leave? Why put myself through the torture again?

[True Gent]

So why do people have relationships if you are only meant to rely on yourself? That's why I am on these sites to try to understand. I thought relationships like friendships were meant to add colour to your life, support and help you through. So why not be alone?

 

 

Yes I will spend forever looking at myself. I always do. Go off and try to learn something. But I am in pain. I wanted to share that that was all.

 

You seem to have missed my point.

 

Of course relationships and friendships add colour to your life. Yes people can support you in your decisions and life experinces.

 

Sharing your life with someone you love and who loves you is the most rewarding and satisfying experience there is. However there is only one person who's head you can fully understand. There is only one person you can absolutely guarantee how they feel. There is only one person you can fully trust in everyway without question (yourself).

 

No one else and nothing else in life is a guarantee or a given. People change, things come and go in every aspect of life. The only constant in your entire life is being inside of your own mind and body. Even our body's aren't guaranteed to not let us down at some point, how can we possibly expect to rely on other peoples minds and emotions to always be there no matter what? We can't, but shutting yourself of from love and not allowing new people the chance to prove themselves as different to the rest will mean you lose out altogether.

 

Isn't better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? It's an old cliche, but it's true.

 

The demise of a relationship hurts us because of the imence joy it brought to us at it's peak. Nothing else is like that kind of joy, that's why you are hurting like you are. You are longing for it again, if you tar everyone with the same brush and close yourself off it's only you who'll miss out.

 

You have to trust in people again, but always remember to trust in yourself the most.

[todreaminblue]

i am quite willing to trust again.......i dont blame men for other men's wrong doings......

 

i havent given up on finding love...i cant...because i miss making love to a man..i miss having a best friend to talk to when the moon is full and on rainy nights......i miss sharing myself with someone..writing poetry for soemone special in my life.....and giving it to them freely and with trust they understand all i have to write.......to do that i need to trust them.....so i wont settle for just someone to have and to hold...ill wait.....i never give up.....deb

[Jingle14]

Completely with you! I'm 49, single for over 3 years since the 'love of my life' (the person I left my husband of 23 years for and thought I'd be with forever) dumped me. Never been heartbroken, couldn't understand it - I always thought 'why can't people just get a grip' - but then it happened to me. Still not over it (as you would see if you read my posts on here) and no way could I let anyone else in, the defences are built up much too high.

 

 

Occasionally, I'll get a little down at being the only single person (apart from a few anoraks in a walking group I'm part of) I know, and I wonder what is so awful about me that 'he' didn't want me. Last weekend, after a bout of sadness, I - stupidly - browsed an internet dating site. I put my upper age limit at 45 (I'm told I don't look my age and I'm not attracted to older men, I usually get men in their early 30's approaching me). So who did I get messaging me - a 65 year old! I deleted my details of the site immediately, I know it's not for me - even if a younger man had contacted me - it was a moment of weakness and I'm simply not ready, I doubt I ever will be.

 

 

As soon as my son (13) leaves home, presumably when he goes to uni (which is his plan), I'll be leaving where I live now to start a new life in Cornwall. It's pretty scary to think of starting again - alone, as I fully expect I'll be) - in my mid-50's but, somehow, I'll do it.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, I think the issues you raise have been on my mind recently, as well.

 

Someone recommended to me a book by the author Alan Watts. I haven't read the book yet, but I listened to this lecture and I think it speaks to what you're talking about. I hope you listen and find comfort in it:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDCGL9tRDEc

[Itspointless]

Occasionally, I'll get a little down at being the only single person (apart from a few anoraks in a walking group I'm part of) I know, and I wonder what is so awful about me that 'he' didn't want me

Isn't it interesting the comparing we always do. Why would you be awful if your situation is different than others of the same age around you? (Generally speaking) You have the experience of someone who sticked 23 years with you. That means something. Most of the time I have been alone. Being alone I learnt to see that some things just happen. Soemtimes bonds happen because people are affraid to be alone, sometimes people are just lucky to find each-other. Sometimes we first have to work trough other things that happened to us. But most people just do because others do it too. Learning to be alone means learning to really appreciate what the opportuniy of being together means as is the case with the opposite. These things can potentially also really hurt as we never entirely know if the other is in tune with herself (or himself) and see the opportinity for what it is as they feel entitled for some kind of experience (not saying you do). People often see in retrospect. Being able to share is worth something in itself. We have to trust that there are chances finding someone who wants to share with us for a given amount of time.

Edited October 19, 2014 by Itspointless

[Jet Lag]

Completely with you! I'm 49, single for over 3 years since the 'love of my life' (the person I left my husband of 23 years for and thought I'd be with forever) dumped me. Never been heartbroken, couldn't understand it - I always thought 'why can't people just get a grip' - but then it happened to me. Still not over it (as you would see if you read my posts on here) and no way could I let anyone else in, the defences are built up much too high.

 

 

Hey Jingle

 

I too just lost the love of my life...and it was so much harder than my 20 plus year relationship breakdown.

 

Who knew how hard it could be?

[chexmix]

Hi All,

 

In response to the OP: yes, I am resigned to being single for the rest of my life.

 

I'm a 53 year old male, have been married twice, no kids, am best of friends with my 2nd ex-wife.

 

In 2010, after a 6+ years 'retirement' from dating, I created a profile on OkCupid and tried the online dating thing a little. It wasn't, erm, too horrifically awful; however, at 49 it felt a bit ... weird. I sometimes had a hard time not feeling like a creepy old guy. But I shortly met a wonderful, brilliant woman 10 years younger than me with whom I clicked really, really well.

 

We dated for two years, and then she decided to call it quits. We're actually still good friends, and go walking 3 mornings a week (when she doesn't have a migraine and I haven't had insomnia). I was bitter about the breakup for a while, but she's great to talk with and I like having a hiking partner. I am sincerely glad she likes having me around, even though she now has a new guy (who is really, really nice) to fill her time.

 

On Memorial Day this year, we were hiking up a small mountain in New Hampshire with friends. During a break near the top, I lay back on the rock and suffered a heart attack. Not an enormous one, but not a small one, either. I had to complete the hike. It was slow going at first.

 

I feel as though I have recovered (physically) quite nicely. I'm going in for an EKG next week so will find out where I stand, but I know I surprised the folks at the cardiac rehab sessions with the vigor of my workouts. I've lost 31 pounds on Weight Watchers since the winter. My health is actually better now than it has been in years.

 

However ...

 

I am also kind of a shut-in. I go to work, I come home. I do those morning walk things with P. But I basically have come to find most human contact painful and infuriating. Riding the bus is agonizing.

 

I'm on anti-depressants. I take BP meds because of the heart thing. My libido is almost zilch. When P. and I go walking in the morning, I see attractive women on the bike path and my eyes register them and my brain lights up bright gold as it always has, but the impulses stop at around neck level.

 

And I think: my heart (not the physical one) has been ground to powder over the years, my physical sex drive is almost gone, I have a great time studying math and astronomy all by myself (except for a great cat). Why, oh why would I go and ruin this by inserting another person's inevitable issues?

 

I don't have an answer. I can't answer my own brain when it screams about how lonely it is and wouldn't it be nice to, sheesh, just enjoy some physical affection? Maybe I've stopped looking for an answer. Or am just tired of the whole round. I'd run off and found an atheist monastery, but ...

 

I've had some relationships. Who says that isn't enough?

 

So that's me.

 

/G

[carhill]

I read everywhere that you get over each breakup, but I don't think it's true. Yes you may be able in time to come to terms with it, but breaks leave scars and past behaviour (ie my anxiety/lack of trust) becomes future behavior.

 

I think it varies, both in extent and result, for everyone. I tend to view my result as cumulative. Having about four years since officially divorcing and remaining single to reflect on that, I'm comfortable with the conclusion.

 

 

Anyone else middle aged that is in the same boat as me, yearns for love but due to hurt have built up walls like the avoidant types to not get close? I have become a hermit, even platonic friendships now are too much. It's worse when everyone around you is married/getting married and you're left wondering, 'Am I so bad?'

 

Perhaps it would be nice to yearn for love, as passions can be pretty potent motivators, but I haven't seen signs of this particular passion yet. I think it's an important passion, as it appears, at least in my life experience, that women like feeling like they 'have him', with regards to a man being passionate about and yearning for her love. Hence, currently, I'd make a lousy partner, as they certainly wouldn't 'have' me. I tend to view relationships as transitory now so reserve my passions for other matters in life which are quite fulfilling and stimulating.

 

I used to be so outgoing but am a bear shell now. The ex just stopped talking to me in June and I haven't reached out. There's only so many times you can keep hurting yourself

 

You know, I thought I would go through that period after my exW and I split up about five years ago but it appears the MC we had prior helped me process it before the split. After, other than the business of divorce interactions, I had no desire to ever interact with her again and we did have a few interactions over the interceding years and I remained polite but disengaged, with the only real care or concern coming about when she called me to tell me her best friend who was also a good friend of mine suddenly had died. We processed that grief and both moved on, not interacting since. I hope she's happy with her longtime boyfriend and I'm certainly quite content with the direction I'm moving in life.

 

Unlike yourself, I have no children, though my exW and I both tried, but could see children as sort of a two-edge sword. On the one hand, wow what a wonderful gift to be cherished and also command a lot of love and attention; on the other, a constant reminder of a an ex-spouse or ex-lover, with any attendant interactions and the associated feelings which might obtain.

 

I'm 'middle-aged' and have no problems seeing myself single for another 30 years. I recall, when my mother was widowed in her early 60's, she went on to live a complete and full life for nearly two decades until a stroke gave her dementia. There was no man in her life at all and she was quite happy and enjoyed many loving relationships and made a lot of memories, both with myself and others. I have no problem doing exactly the same. I gave women and kids my best shot. It's done. Took up a lot of my life. On to other things.

[Jingle14]

Isn't it interesting the comparing we always do. Why would you be awful if your situation is different than others of the same age around you? (Generally speaking) You have the experience of someone who sticked 23 years with you. That means something. Most of the time I have been alone. Being alone I learnt to see that some things just happen. Soemtimes bonds happen because people are affraid to be alone, sometimes people are just lucky to find each-other. Sometimes we first have to work trough other things that happened to us. But most people just do because others do it too. Learning to be alone means learning to really appreciate what the opportuniy of being together means as is the case with the opposite. These things can potentially also really hurt as we never entirely know if the other is in tune with herself (or himself) and see the opportinity for what it is as they feel entitled for some kind of experience (not saying you do). People often see in retrospect. Being able to share is worth something in itself. We have to trust that there are chances finding someone who wants to share with us for a given amount of time.

 

 

I may have been with someone for 23 years but I wasn't happy for a lot of it and my ex-husband admitted after we split that, although he took it very badly, he wished we had split several years before. He was with someone within 2 months, so I wasn't a big deal, it was more the fear of change. He moved straight from them, a year or so later, to the person he's with now whereas I've remained single (and heartbroken, pining for the man I left him for).

 

 

I still care for my ex-husband and only want what is best for him. He's my son's father, after all, and isn't a bad person at all, he's just not who I want to be with.