Jingle14 Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Hey Jingle I too just lost the love of my life...and it was so much harder than my 20 plus year relationship breakdown. Who knew how hard it could be? It's unbelievable, isn't it. I walked from a 23 year relationship with barely a tear, I knew it was the right thing, but my ex - who I left my husband for - broke me. I'm known as a pretty tough, cynical and resilient person, so seeing me, of all people, fall apart was such a shock to people, including me. I really thought I was impervious to it all but my ex got under my skin to such an extent, I'm now numb. Everyone thinks I'm well 'over it' but it's a front, and one I put on well. Good luck to you, I hope you heal and find happiness again. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 I may have been with someone for 23 years but I wasn't happy for a lot of it and my ex-husband admitted after we split that, although he took it very badly, he wished we had split several years before. He was with someone within 2 months, so I wasn't a big deal, it was more the fear of change. He moved straight from them, a year or so later, to the person he's with now whereas I've remained single (and heartbroken, pining for the man I left him for). I still care for my ex-husband and only want what is best for him. He's my son's father, after all, and isn't a bad person at all, he's just not who I want to be with. Thank you for reacting. What I meant with that short sentence was that you certainly must have qualities that will make people, who do poses the power to make you happy, attracted to you in the future. Heartbreak is awful, I am sorry you have to go through that too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
couchcushion Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Hi OP, It really hurt to read your post because we are so similar, I think because we both were abandoned (in some form) as children. I also have anxiety due to this abandonment. And I also believe that no one will be able to deal with my anxiety/insecurities, and that my partner will eventually leave once she gets to know the "real me". I also feel fundamentally flawed. Good news is, you've been in two relationships in your late 40s! That's exciting at least. Have you read "Journey from Abandonment to Healing"? I bought this book when I was absolutely destroyed by a breakup 5 years ago. I think I stopped reading by the third or fourth chapter because I was stuck in the stages of the first 2 chapters (Shattering and Withdrawal). I recently picked up the book again and am starting with Chapter 3, internalizing. I'm realizing how much of my abandonment experience I have internalized. It seems it has severely damaged my self-esteem... All this to say that I 100% hear you and get what you're experiencing. I often think I should just resign myself to being single now so as to avoid more hurt and disappointment in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Justaguy30 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I don't know if I will fall in love so easily but do hope to one day find someone that I can love again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ballycastle Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 Hi All, In response to the OP: yes, I am resigned to being single for the rest of my life. I've had some relationships. Who says that isn't enough? So that's me. /G I I'm 'middle-aged' and have no problems seeing myself single for another 30 years. I recall, when my mother was widowed in her early 60's, she went on to live a complete and full life for nearly two decades until a stroke gave her dementia. There was no man in her life at all and she was quite happy and enjoyed many loving relationships and made a lot of memories, both with myself and others. I have no problem doing exactly the same. I gave women and kids my best shot. It's done. Took up a lot of my life. On to other things. Hi OP, It really hurt to read your post because we are so similar, I think because we both were abandoned (in some form) as children. I also have anxiety due to this abandonment. And I also believe that no one will be able to deal with my anxiety/insecurities, and that my partner will eventually leave once she gets to know the "real me". Have you read "Journey from Abandonment to Healing"? I bought this book when I was absolutely destroyed by a breakup 5 years ago. I think I stopped reading by the third or fourth chapter because I was stuck in the stages of the first 2 chapters (Shattering and Withdrawal). I recently picked up the book again and am starting with Chapter 3, internalizing. I'm realizing how much of my abandonment experience I have internalized. It seems it has severely damaged my self-esteem... All this to say that I 100% hear you and get what you're experiencing. I often think I should just resign myself to being single now so as to avoid more hurt and disappointment in the future. I don't know if I will fall in love so easily but do hope to one day find someone that I can love again. Dear all thanks for all your posts it was really heartwarming to know I am not alone. I have loved in my life and that will have to be enough. Yes I have read the book quoted, it is amazing and basically gives excellent 'brain' reasons as to why being abandoned so young makes it terribly difficult to bond later in life and that we will essentially subconsciously look for people to replicate childhood patterns. With all that it is written, my self esteem is rock bottom now, so here enters a new life of solitude and of a life alone. Because I know I don't have the tools in order to look for a life partner who I am confident is on the same page as me. I am not saying that to get responses to 'man up' but that like an OP says loving is about showing your vulnerability to people, you risk getting rejected and for those with an abandonment history it really is too much when that happens time after time after time. I am too conditioned to know any different or to trust it won't happen again. One thing the latest breakup has done though, it has changed me. It is like a light switching off. I have never really felt as empty as I do right now, but if things happen for a reason perhaps there is something else out that to do instead of yearning for someone to 'love me' In time I guess I will stop the yearning and learn to live with my self. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Jet Lag Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 It's unbelievable, isn't it. I walked from a 23 year relationship with barely a tear, I knew it was the right thing, but my ex - who I left my husband for - broke me. I'm known as a pretty tough, cynical and resilient person, so seeing me, of all people, fall apart was such a shock to people, including me. I really thought I was impervious to it all but my ex got under my skin to such an extent, I'm now numb. Everyone thinks I'm well 'over it' but it's a front, and one I put on well. Good luck to you, I hope you heal and find happiness again. How long have you been single? Your story is so like mine. Has your ex moved on quickly? I just don't understand why we are not together. I know he'd never felt as close to anyone as he did me. I keep going over it and think I didn't let him love me enough. He shows love by doing things for people but I constantly stopped him doing things because I was trying to save him from stresses. I so want to go back and spend time with him and do things differently and see if it changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Jingle14 Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 How long have you been single? Your story is so like mine. Has your ex moved on quickly? I just don't understand why we are not together. I know he'd never felt as close to anyone as he did me. I keep going over it and think I didn't let him love me enough. He shows love by doing things for people but I constantly stopped him doing things because I was trying to save him from stresses. I so want to go back and spend time with him and do things differently and see if it changes. Single since June 2011 (although we spent the night together last year, the next morning he shut the front door before I was even down the path, he couldn't wait for me to go - made sure he got his end away first though!). I know he's weak but I also know I didn't help matters, and I can really identify with your comments about doing things differently. Ironically, if I was like I am now when we were together, we'd be very happy and it's this that I find hard to bear, knowing it's a waste of the deep, deep feelings we had but he'll not give 'us' another chance to find out. He started seeing someone not long after we split, despite assurances that he'd be single 'for a long time' I've no idea what his current situation is, I don't want to either. Link to post Share on other sites
Jet Lag Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 I know he's weak but I also know I didn't help matters, and I can really identify with your comments about doing things differently. Ironically, if I was like I am now when we were together, we'd be very happy and it's this that I find hard to bear, knowing it's a waste of the deep, deep feelings we had but he'll not give 'us' another chance to find out. He started seeing someone not long after we split, despite assurances that he'd be single 'for a long time' I've no idea what his current situation is, I don't want to either. Oh Jingle, your story so resonates with me. My ex also said he would be single "for a long time" to work on himself. Though last time I saw him he admitted he was not likely to be single for very long now. He is definitely "dating" other girls...not sure if any have become serious yet. I just saw him now, from a distance. His son used to come and hang out with us after school. He obviously asked today but instead the ex dropped him up at the basketball stadium where we would be. Unfortunately even hanging out with his son is hard for me (he is my son's best friend). I so want to go and ask can we hang out. I believe he would be okay with it...but then if he ended up with someone serious I would be back to that really devastated stage and not just the cry and be sad every day stage. I hate that we are not together. I am so so sad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ballycastle Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 Yes it is the overwhelming sadness that is the killer and the knowledge you couldn't even begin to have a conversation with a would be suitor about your fears of being abandoned. My ex encouraged me to speak my mind and be vulnerable, I felt safe sharing, but he too left. Never ever again. I might as well kill myself now, not literally but the thought of the next however years of being alone is a reality I am struggling to accept. I also have confirmation of post menopause so I feel utterly unattractive. You got to love yourself right? How is that possible when you are just an empty shell? Link to post Share on other sites
Jet Lag Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Yes it is the overwhelming sadness that is the killer and the knowledge you couldn't even begin to have a conversation with a would be suitor about your fears of being abandoned. My ex encouraged me to speak my mind and be vulnerable, I felt safe sharing, but he too left. Never ever again. I might as well kill myself now, not literally but the thought of the next however years of being alone is a reality I am struggling to accept. I also have confirmation of post menopause so I feel utterly unattractive. You got to love yourself right? How is that possible when you are just an empty shell? I cry for you. [Mind you, I cry at a drop of a hat these days]. Are you going to counselling? Go and do something you enjoy. I can imagine your response would be joy has gone out of everything...because that would be my response too. I think we have to go with...it does get better...the pain does pass as everyone tell us...and hope that it is true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ballycastle Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 I cry for you. [Mind you, I cry at a drop of a hat these days]. Are you going to counselling? Go and do something you enjoy. I can imagine your response would be joy has gone out of everything...because that would be my response too. I think we have to go with...it does get better...the pain does pass as everyone tell us...and hope that it is true. Hi jetlag thanks. I did have psychotherapy this year but found they just became chats rather than helping me. Because I am well read on my attachment, abandonment and esteem issues I was answering my own questions so giving her money to confirm my depression seemed fruitless. I have just completed a book. Writing is therapy for me. Plus I have my child to consider. But with me being naturally outgoing, wanting company I can't cope with the alone Ness. But I realise I am going to have. I have no choice. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Jet Lag Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Hi jetlag thanks. I did have psychotherapy this year but found they just became chats rather than helping me. Because I am well read on my attachment, abandonment and esteem issues I was answering my own questions so giving her money to confirm my depression seemed fruitless. I have just completed a book. Writing is therapy for me. Plus I have my child to consider. But with me being naturally outgoing, wanting company I can't cope with the alone Ness. But I realise I am going to have. I have no choice. Thank you Congratulations on your book! My "like" button has vanished again. What is this? Link to post Share on other sites
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