Does it ever make you feel good or better than the other person?

[Darren Steez]

Do you ever feel like you have something the wife doesn't? Like I don't consider myself the "other woman" because we only had sex once and just kind of sext and expose ourselves on FaceTime now. Anyways he said that he was going to see me this weekend maybe, so I am like texting him all day and nothing.. Come to find out he and his fiancee are getting their engagement photos done. I personally know there is no connection between he and I. He uses me for sex and I allow it to happen. At the same time I can't help but kind of have a "haha" moment because I still get him kind of. I don't feel better than her but it makes me feel good like she is sharing her SO with me and yeah. I feel validated. Like once he marries her will he still call me? Once she's pregnant will he call me? It is like flattering kind of.

 

Wow, just wow. So essentially the rest of your life is waiting for a man to call you to have sex and you're going haha he with me while she's taking care of the baby?

 

Thing is you know what's happening is wrong, you know all you're seeking some weird validation and it's flattering.

 

Now put yourself in her position, utterly clueless the man you're marrying is cheating on you and will probably cheat on you after.

 

Still having a "haha" moment?

[Darren Steez]

I've been in therapy for over a year. Msybe I just meet douchey men? Or maybe I just need to not rush into sex? Idk I just know that at 2 months shy of 24 I don't have the time to waste. I wanted to be married by 25 and at this point that looks impossible unless I meet someone who will rush into marriage after a few months. Which is unlikely.

 

Problem is you seek validation, so the quickest way once a man shows interest is sex right?

 

I met "douchey" women too, all ended with the same result. They cheated. But then I discovered I was going for a certain type of woman. Once a recognized that I was fine.

 

Most guys would not pass up first time sex, but if a guy is really into you, he will wait. Put your picture on a dating site and see how many guys hit you up..let that be your validation that you are worthy. Enjoy life and don't rush it.

[georgia girl]

Keep Calm,

 

 

Just a few things and I promise not to beat you up!

 

 

First, think about what this guy is seeing from his side. You may think it's very sexy and that you have a little bit over his fiancée, but I don't think he sees it that way. I don't think, to be honest, he sees you. Instead, he is a man. He sees a naked body willing to do what he wants her to do. You're his own personal porn site vs. a woman with thoughts and dreams.

 

 

Second, I read your last post and smiled a little, although it prompted me to reply. I was 38 when I met my husband. Before that, I was embarrassed because I was still single and I can be honest enough to say that I was a little jealous that everybody else seemed to be getting the one thing that I so desperately wanted. But, I had a little different perspective.

 

 

All of those friends you see marrying at 23, 24 and 25? Wait out their marriages a few years and you'll see something different. Some of those marriages will be fantastic; others will be a mess. You see, at 23, 24 and 25, we don't necessarily have all of those things about ourselves in place to know what we really want in a life's partner. Even back then, I looked at my friends who were getting married so young and I thought, "You've got to be kidding me." There's so much life yet to live. Please consider that. Yes, you're likely poor and paying off college debt in your 20s, but it can also be an awesome time. You're getting some work successes and you're making some of the memories on Friday and Saturday night that you'll never forget.

 

 

My point? Don't be in such a hurry. And that leads to my second point: Being in a hurry means you'll settle for Mr. Almost Right and not Mr. Right.

You will let a slightly rounded square fit into the round hole because you just want the dress, the ring and the Mrs. in front of your name. Please don't ever cheat yourself like that. Even today, most of us make this choice only once. Hold out until he's all the right things.

 

 

Here's where the hard part comes in. Stop dating like you're working a 15-step "how-to" process of finding a man. Your process as well as your posts come off as needy and desperate. Nothing - and I mea absolutely nothing - will scare off a man more quickly than desperation.

 

 

Instead, focus on things you like to do and don't worry if it puts you in contact with available men. When I was slightly older than you and really wanted to meet someone, I also found myself feeling just a little desperate like this was "never going to happen for me." So, I lingered and wallowed there for a little bit. But then I did something for me. Something I never thought would put me in contact with available men. I became a runner. I was absolutely awful. As an inhaler-dependent asthmatic, I couldn't run one lap around the track. Four years later, I ran my first marathon. I still hadn't meant anyone by then, but I felt 10 feet tall and bullet proof.

 

 

Not long after that, I met my husband. What was he attracted to? My confidence. He tells me that all of the time. He said that when I walked in the room and introduced myself to him, I was happy and confident and he was drawn to that. Running didn't help me meet my husband - knowing who I was and having a solid foundation about ME helped me to meet him and for both of us to fall in love with each other.

 

 

Keep Calm and Carry On, this isn't about gutting out a search. It's about enjoying life and making it the best life you can. When you're happy, confident and content, then and only then are you ready to pick out a life's partner. You will be who you want to be and you will attract a man that you can genuinely love. That's why all of the posters here are telling you to get help. Please listen. Please make the life choices that will position you for the brightest and happiest of futures... and be okay if it doesn't happen until 38. It's worth waiting for.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

What is the rush?

 

It just should have happened by now. I'm 23 I've never had a serious relationship. It needs to happen now. I mean how long do I have to wait and realistically if it doesn't happen now when will I get married and have kids? I don't want to be an old mom. It shouldn't be this hard I just want to be one of those women who met their SO at 16 got married at 18 and pregnant at 20

[goodyblue]

I don't know what I'm supposed to do at this point. I just want to meet someone and get married and have babies as quickly as possible.

 

You don't know what to do? Study a foreign language. Help. The needy. Backpack through Europe. If you are European, backpack through the Rockies. FIND YOURSELF. That confidence will help you widen your horizons ans men will love that you have lived and had experiences. Married by 25? If I could change anything in my life, it would be wasting my youth. Right now the world is your oyster.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Keep Calm,

 

 

Just a few things and I promise not to beat you up!

 

 

First, think about what this guy is seeing from his side. You may think it's very sexy and that you have a little bit over his fiancée, but I don't think he sees it that way. I don't think, to be honest, he sees you. Instead, he is a man. He sees a naked body willing to do what he wants her to do. You're his own personal porn site vs. a woman with thoughts and dreams.

 

 

Second, I read your last post and smiled a little, although it prompted me to reply. I was 38 when I met my husband. Before that, I was embarrassed because I was still single and I can be honest enough to say that I was a little jealous that everybody else seemed to be getting the one thing that I so desperately wanted. But, I had a little different perspective.

 

 

All of those friends you see marrying at 23, 24 and 25? Wait out their marriages a few years and you'll see something different. Some of those marriages will be fantastic; others will be a mess. You see, at 23, 24 and 25, we don't necessarily have all of those things about ourselves in place to know what we really want in a life's partner. Even back then, I looked at my friends who were getting married so young and I thought, "You've got to be kidding me." There's so much life yet to live. Please consider that. Yes, you're likely poor and paying off college debt in your 20s, but it can also be an awesome time. You're getting some work successes and you're making some of the memories on Friday and Saturday night that you'll never forget.

 

 

My point? Don't be in such a hurry. And that leads to my second point: Being in a hurry means you'll settle for Mr. Almost Right and not Mr. Right.

You will let a slightly rounded square fit into the round hole because you just want the dress, the ring and the Mrs. in front of your name. Please don't ever cheat yourself like that. Even today, most of us make this choice only once. Hold out until he's all the right things.

 

 

Here's where the hard part comes in. Stop dating like you're working a 15-step "how-to" process of finding a man. Your process as well as your posts come off as needy and desperate. Nothing - and I mea absolutely nothing - will scare off a man more quickly than desperation.

 

 

Instead, focus on things you like to do and don't worry if it puts you in contact with available men. When I was slightly older than you and really wanted to meet someone, I also found myself feeling just a little desperate like this was "never going to happen for me." So, I lingered and wallowed there for a little bit. But then I did something for me. Something I never thought would put me in contact with available men. I became a runner. I was absolutely awful. As an inhaler-dependent asthmatic, I couldn't run one lap around the track. Four years later, I ran my first marathon. I still hadn't meant anyone by then, but I felt 10 feet tall and bullet proof.

 

 

Not long after that, I met my husband. What was he attracted to? My confidence. He tells me that all of the time. He said that when I walked in the room and introduced myself to him, I was happy and confident and he was drawn to that. Running didn't help me meet my husband - knowing who I was and having a solid foundation about ME helped me to meet him and for both of us to fall in love with each other.

 

 

Keep Calm and Carry On, this isn't about gutting out a search. It's about enjoying life and making it the best life you can. When you're happy, confident and content, then and only then are you ready to pick out a life's partner. You will be who you want to be and you will attract a man that you can genuinely love. That's why all of the posters here are telling you to get help. Please listen. Please make the life choices that will position you for the brightest and happiest of futures... and be okay if it doesn't happen until 38. It's worth waiting for.

 

Question, first of all I really appreciate you telling me that. Anyways do you intend to have children? Not asking in a rude way and I'm sorry if it seems offensive I just wonder. For me that's a huge thing, I want a big family and if I meet someone at 38 that's probably not going to happen.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

You don't know what to do? Study a foreign language. Help. The needy. Backpack through Europe. If you are European, backpack through the Rockies. FIND YOURSELF. That confidence will help you widen your horizons ans men will love that you have lived and had experiences. Married by 25? If I could change anything in my life, it would be wasting my youth. Right now the world is your oyster.

 

I'm in school I guess that's kind of cool I enjoy it..

[purplesorrow]

It just should have happened by now. I'm 23 I've never had a serious relationship. It needs to happen now. I mean how long do I have to wait and realistically if it doesn't happen now when will I get married and have kids? I don't want to be an old mom. It shouldn't be this hard I just want to be one of those women who met their SO at 16 got married at 18 and pregnant at 20

 

You are already not one of those women! I guess I'm one of those old mom's ?. I am financially stable, great career, secure in who I am. I feel all of that helps me to be a great mom. I was still struggling to find all of that at your age. I'm glad I didn't marry or have a child too young. By the time my husband came along, he augmented what was already in my life. I was whole before he came along.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

You are already not one of those women! I guess I'm one of those old mom's ?. I am financially stable, great career, secure in who I am. I feel all of that helps me to be a great mom. I was still struggling to find all of that at your age. I'm glad I didn't marry or have a child too young. By the time my husband came along, he augmented what was already in my life. I was whole before he came along.

 

Everyone says that to me. About being a whole person. My therapist even asked me yesterday that if I get married tomorrow and have babies, eventually my babies will grow up and move out and then who will I be? What will I be doing? It would just be so much more fun and better and enjoyable to have someone to do stuff with. And be cute with.

[ComingInHot]

I don't know her. I have seen pictures of her. Idk I just feel like I don't like her already. I don't like anyone whose close to my age and married or has a family. It sounds weird and bad but I feel like those people need to be knocked down a few pegs. I don't think anyone would know. We are not in the same circles.

 

 

Have you considered psychotherapy? This way of thinking has dangerous written all over it for His Wife/fiance.

 

...nevermind. maybe a new therapist?

[georgia girl]

Keep Calm,

 

 

I did want children, but it truly wasn't in the cards for me. Part of it may have been because, like you, I was a little too desperate to find someone and likely scared off some men. I'm telling you that honestly so that you can see that this single-mindedness you're displaying is really harming you.

 

 

The second part was out of my control. I developed a very large benign tumor that resulted in a hysterectomy at a young age. I always saw myself with five or six kids running around. When I realized I would not have children, it actually wasn't that bad. I am a fantastic aunt and honorary "aunt" to many. The reason I share that is to demonstrate that life throws your curveballs. They can feel like body blows, but they're not.

 

 

You have this one go-round. You get about 75 years on this planet. Stop wishing your life away and start living. Living doesn't happen when you get a man and start taking pregnancy tests. Living starts when you make the choice to enjoy life.

 

 

Having met my husband at 38 and not ever having children, you may not think that I have a life you could envy (and I'm not seeking your envy either). I can only tell you that I am so incredibly blessed that I feel guilty that we have so much.

 

 

To get there - and I really want this for you - let the posts here sink in. See all of these fantastic women giving you advice about finding yourself. Learn from us. Let it change your perspective. You can have it all, but you have to quit defining what "it" is and when "it" will get here. That's a huge mistake.

[HermioneG]

It just should have happened by now. I'm 23 I've never had a serious relationship. It needs to happen now. I mean how long do I have to wait and realistically if it doesn't happen now when will I get married and have kids? I don't want to be an old mom. It shouldn't be this hard I just want to be one of those women who met their SO at 16 got married at 18 and pregnant at 20

 

Gently- relationships should not complete you. You should. Take care of yourself. Be happy with yourself. Happiness and peace are inside jobs, and no other person can do that for you. When you meet the right person- it should not be because you need them to fill in the blanks in your life. It should be because you love them, and you both add to each other's intrinsic happiness.

 

I can understand why your relationships are struggling. Your goals are frightening and overwhelming, and they are not leading you on a path that ends in happy.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Gently- relationships should not complete you. You should. Take care of yourself. Be happy with yourself. Happiness and peace are inside jobs, and no other person can do that for you. When you meet the right person- it should not be because you need them to fill in the blanks in your life. It should be because you love them, and you both add to each other's intrinsic happiness.

 

I can understand why your relationships are struggling. Your goals are frightening and overwhelming, and they are not leading you on a path that ends in happy.

 

What do you mean they aren't leading down a path that leads to happy? I just don't see the bad in wanting to be a wife and mother while I am still young. I don't tell the guys that I desperately want to marry them or get pregnant by them because that would be scary.

[georgia girl]

If I can try and interpret that post for you...

 

 

If your goal is simply to get married and have babies, well, it's the wrong goal. Those are outcomes. The goal should be to be happy and content with yourself and THEN if you find someone that you truly love heart and soul, then you make a family. And that family becomes this outcome of these two happy people who got together.

 

 

You completely want to skip over the finding yourself and being happy. In some ways, I think you think you can do this AFTER you find someone, get married and have babies. That's what's hanging you up and why it will almost never happen for you now. Until you are happy and content, you're not partner material.

 

 

Finally, you may not SAY those goals, but you PROJECT those goals. Men may have the intrinsic weakness of the Y chromosome, but somehow they are programmed to pick up the tiniest indication of desperation. Further, as you are with only one goal in mind, you may not be wholly attractive to someone for the long term. He isn't thinking marriage and babies when he meets you. He's thinking, "I'm attracted. What else can she show me? And do I have to be my 'best' self for her? Do I want to be him?" If you don't have anything else to you but this one desire, well, that's going to scare him off. Finally, you share your thoughts and dreams here on an anonymous board and I'm sure with all of your single friends. That doesn't happen in a vacuum. It's very easy to get tagged as the girl who just wants to get married, even to someone who you just met.

 

 

My point? You can't truncate or circumvent the process of finding you. There's no "easy" button here. But, I can guarantee that if you do it the right way, there is an incredibly happy future in front of you.

[HermioneG]

What do you mean they aren't leading down a path that leads to happy? I just don't see the bad in wanting to be a wife and mother while I am still young. I don't tell the guys that I desperately want to marry them or get pregnant by them because that would be scary.

 

Georgia Girl explained it perfectly.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

How much time is that going to take?? Finding myself

[letmoc]

You are taking pleasure in hurting another person and you wonder why your life is not going how you want it to go? You have a lot of growing up to do and absolutely nothing to offer a husband and children at this time.

[purplesorrow]

How much time is that going to take?? Finding myself

 

You definitely shouldn't put a time constraint on this. I still work on myself. It is a never ending process.

[georgia girl]

How much time is that going to take?? Finding myself

 

You can't put a timeline on it. Sorry. No give on this one. It takes as much time as it takes.

 

 

But again, let me focus you on the journey. It can be the most wonderful, fulfilling and affirming time of your life. Again, I'll share a little of my story to illustrate my point.

 

 

Last week, I had lunch with one of my girlfriends. We worked together in our mid-20s when we were both single, poor and hoping to find a man/have babies. Over a one-hour lunch, we talked about the amazing twists and turns our lives have had. Here are some of mine:

 

 

When I first ran a 10K, I was so proud. When I did 20 miles for the very first time, I cried at the end. No one can ever take that from me.

 

 

When I had to bury my dad, without a partner at my side, I realized how tough I was. (When I got married, I knew my dad was smiling and I thought he would be proud of the strong woman I had become.)

 

 

When I took that girls' trip to Key West, I made some incredible, funny memories that to this day make me chuckle.

 

 

When I bought my house - all by myself - and when I ripped up every single carpet and refinished the floors, I was so impressed by how clever I was. When I mentioned to my then-boyfriend and future husband that he could borrow my compound miter saw, he was flabbergasted and I was smug.

 

 

When I held my nieces and nephews for the first time, I was amazed at how much I could love another human being. When I became a CEO, I was astounded they'd give someone like me such an opportunity.

 

 

And so, when I met my husband, I wasn't seeking a husband and babies. I was so happy and content. I was seeking someone to do fun stuff with while at the same time, I was going to keep living my life. That's how we grew together.

 

 

Subconsciously, because I was confident and happy, I was giving him the best of me but also requiring him to give me the best of him. What did that do? It built a foundation of respect and mutual liking. When it came time for us to decide to get married, it was a natural conclusion to our relationship.

 

 

Working on you is your journey. You're the only one who can make it and the only one who gets to enjoy and learn from all points along the way. There is no timeline. No date certain. It can take months, years or decades. Denying that it has to happen only extends that time.

 

 

Get on board. This is the trip of YOUR lifetime.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

You are taking pleasure in hurting another person and you wonder why your life is not going how you want it to go? You have a lot of growing up to do and absolutely nothing to offer a husband and children at this time.

She isn't hurting. She doesn't know she's off happily planning a wedding and taking engagement pictures. My life has been not panning out for years. Way before this guy.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

You can't put a timeline on it. Sorry. No give on this one. It takes as much time as it takes.

 

 

But again, let me focus you on the journey. It can be the most wonderful, fulfilling and affirming time of your life. Again, I'll share a little of my story to illustrate my point.

 

 

Last week, I had lunch with one of my girlfriends. We worked together in our mid-20s when we were both single, poor and hoping to find a man/have babies. Over a one-hour lunch, we talked about the amazing twists and turns our lives have had. Here are some of mine:

 

 

When I first ran a 10K, I was so proud. When I did 20 miles for the very first time, I cried at the end. No one can ever take that from me.

 

 

When I had to bury my dad, without a partner at my side, I realized how tough I was. (When I got married, I knew my dad was smiling and I thought he would be proud of the strong woman I had become.)

 

 

When I took that girls' trip to Key West, I made some incredible, funny memories that to this day make me chuckle.

 

 

When I bought my house - all by myself - and when I ripped up every single carpet and refinished the floors, I was so impressed by how clever I was. When I mentioned to my then-boyfriend and future husband that he could borrow my compound miter saw, he was flabbergasted and I was smug.

 

 

When I held my nieces and nephews for the first time, I was amazed at how much I could love another human being. When I became a CEO, I was astounded they'd give someone like me such an opportunity.

 

 

And so, when I met my husband, I wasn't seeking a husband and babies. I was so happy and content. I was seeking someone to do fun stuff with while at the same time, I was going to keep living my life. That's how we grew together.

 

 

Subconsciously, because I was confident and happy, I was giving him the best of me but also requiring him to give me the best of him. What did that do? It built a foundation of respect and mutual liking. When it came time for us to decide to get married, it was a natural conclusion to our relationship.

 

 

Working on you is your journey. You're the only one who can make it and the only one who gets to enjoy and learn from all points along the way. There is no timeline. No date certain. It can take months, years or decades. Denying that it has to happen only extends that time.

 

 

Get on board. This is the trip of YOUR lifetime.

 

This is so stressful. I basically have to just keep doing what I'm doing and be miserable and single. I mean I can't control how I feel. I just don't feel happy being single. Every now and then there's a happy moment, like when I can go out to the bar with my friends or something but I dont really do that a lot. I just don't know what I like to do. I mean I do but its stuff that I can't do alone. I could ask my friends. I don't have very many friends. My bestfriend just had a baby so she's not fun anymore.

 

I feel like my life isn't taking any major turns, the most major turn was going to grad school for something I never expected I would do. Other than that's it's pretty routine

 

I am the god mother to my best friends bsby and that makes me feel good and I love her but it also makes me feel bad and jealous and sad because that should be me, it should be my life, I should be a mom now

Edited October 19, 2014 by KeepCalmCarryOn

[HermioneG]

I would print this thread out and take it to your therapist.

 

Hopefully, your therapist can help you see the faulty thinking and patterns you are employing. If you were truly okay, you would not be engaging in the patterns you are, and you would be happy for those people who find their happiness, not jealous.

 

I will wish you luck, and hope that you find your way.

[georgia girl]

Last point, I promise, and I'll keep this one short.

 

 

It's only stressful and disappointing because of your mindset. You are choosing to be miserable and choosing to focus on what you don't have that you want. You are choosing to be jealous. You are choosing to be sad. As long as you do that, you choose an unhappy life.

 

 

Choose to be happy. Choose to focus on what you do have. Do you know how many people would kill for the opportunity to go to grad school? You have it. It also sounds like you have good friends. There are some people who are so lonely in this world.

 

 

Finally, the next time this scumbag guy texts you and wants you to expose yourself to him over the internet, reply "No." That's it. Not another word. Don't respond to him and don't defend yourself when he gets mad because his sex toy is gone. Choose you. It starts with choosing you and denying him.

 

 

Then, each and every time you have a choice to be sad, jealous, angry or resentful, choose to focus on your blessings.

 

 

You have to choose. You can wallow and it will get you nowhere. But choose to be happy.

[BrokenPrincess]

Keep Calm, you've never had any traditional relationship with a guy? Never? Why do you think that is? (just wondering your honest thoughts why)

 

What prompted you to be in therapy for the last year?

[herself]

Oh my goodness. How awful you feel this way. One point for honesty but oh noooo.

Heres the SAD answer...my eap used me for sexting and flattery and ego strokes for 14 years, through pre marriage, through marriage, through his w pregnancy and well after too.

Then he woke up and faced his morals, his (our) guilt, and I was left with confusion, hurt, low self esteem and more guilt. I had all of it coming...as for you...you have it coming a big slap of reality...You are doing this eyes wide open.

Mine weren't opened until too late but no excuses on my end.

This will be life changing and so harmful and sad for you.

And lastly if you avoid friends and classmates who are married why not avoid this user who is about to be married.

Edited October 19, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed rude comment.