Does it ever make you feel good or better than the other person?

[Lovebug66]

It's called faking it.

 

Do you understand men know when you're faking it? That makes them run for the hills. Unless they are looking for someone to control and abuse. In that case, they have found their perfect victim. That is why people are telling you to work on yourself first.

[PinkElephants]

What happens when you lower your standards, get married and grow to love the guy but he never loves you back and he leaves you at 35 for someone with an intact personality?

 

You're adamant that marriage equals love but it doesn't. A dear friend of mine is in a very happy, healthy relationship with a guy and they'll never get married. You could wind up with a guy who marries you because he knows you'll never leave. You're the security blanket that keeps his home and kids while he has his fun on the side.

 

Why would he do that? You've already asked why someone would intentionally treat you badly and the answer is because you'll let them. You've already said you wouldn't cancel a wedding over infidelity. You won't respect yourself so why would he?

Edited October 24, 2014 by PinkElephants

[Timshel]

Sweetie, you said you deleted a dating profile. YEAH!! Good, delete all of them for now. You have friends, school, the social clubs you said you belong to. You have so much on your plate now, be the best at these things.

 

Focus on your career. Don't think about getting married or even dating. Men will respect you for this and with respect will come sincere interest in you.

 

It is very important that you maintain or get counseling from a licensed therapist. I am not putting you down. This is what you should do to get what you want.

 

Do charity work if you are bored. You will see how much you will learn from this and it will benefit you.

 

Posters: Likely P.D. emotional language not interpreted.

[snowflakes88]

Also it isn't necessarily harder for black women to find husbands in general. It is harder for black women to find black husbands because a lot of black men aren't necessarily "the marrying kind". If more black women interracially dated they would have higher marriage rates. I personally only interracially date:)

 

Black men aren't the marrying kind, so you settle for these non-black men who use you as a cheap thrill while they wife up someone else. How's that self-hating attitude working out for you?

[letmoc]

Black men aren't the marrying kind, so you settle for these non-black men who use you as a cheap thrill while they wife up someone else. How's that self-hating attitude working out for you?

 

There are not enough likes in the world for this post.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Grad school's not cheap. I find it hard to believe you're dropping Master's-level coin JUST to meet guys. If so, I would add sitting down with a financial advisor to your list.

 

You want honesty?

I did very very well in the scholarship department. I didn't pick school just to meet men, I did think it would be a great way to meet them but my program is mostly women. I knew that when I picked this field. I just have a love for my area of study so it didn't matter as much

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Sweetie, you said you deleted a dating profile. YEAH!! Good, delete all of them for now. You have friends, school, the social clubs you said you belong to. You have so much on your plate now, be the best at these things.

 

Focus on your career. Don't think about getting married or even dating. Men will respect you for this and with respect will come sincere interest in you.

 

It is very important that you maintain or get counseling from a licensed therapist. I am not putting you down. This is what you should do to get what you want.

 

Do charity work if you are bored. You will see how much you will learn from this and it will benefit you.

 

Posters: Likely P.D. emotional language not interpreted.

Thank you for your kind response! I only have an okc account that I barely use so I can delete it. I don't have a lot of time for dates and on all honesty I'm tired of the same crap from different guys

[FusionCutter]

No but if I was her I would think he is perfect.

I wish I could post his picture and show you him, physically he is perfect. He is everything I could want in a person physically. I'm sure if I was his gf he wouldn't treat me badly. I'm sure je doesn't treat her badly (if he did she wouldn't marry him). But yeah his behavior is not good.

 

Wow. Just wow. Your words. You gotta realize that in a healthy relationship, physical is only one aspect of a relationship. Does character mean anything to you??

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Wow. Just wow. Your words. You gotta realize that in a healthy relationship, physical is only one aspect of a relationship. Does character mean anything to you??

 

It definitely does. But my point is he is obviously good to her or else she wouldn't be with him. So he has to be a good guy he just isn't nice to other people. I knew he wouldn't be nice to me because I'm not her, I don't matter as much you know?

[Sub]

You want honesty?

I did very very well in the scholarship department. I didn't pick school just to meet men, I did think it would be a great way to meet them but my program is mostly women. I knew that when I picked this field. I just have a love for my area of study so it didn't matter as much

 

That's odd. I could have sworn you said previously you went back to school to meet guys. And guessing which field of study you've chosen based on your description (I married someone in that field)...no, you're probably not going to meet many men that way.

[FusionCutter]

It definitely does. But my point is he is obviously good to her or else she wouldn't be with him. So he has to be a good guy he just isn't nice to other people. I knew he wouldn't be nice to me because I'm not her, I don't matter as much you know?

 

He's hiding the truth from her. If she knew the truth do you think she would still want to be with him?

 

It really disturbs me that you said you didn't mind getting used for sex. Respect yourself more, girl! You know who else doesn't mind getting used for sex? Prostitutes. But at least they get paid for it. You gotta love yourself more. You deserve better than all of this.

[Lurkeraspect]

It definitely does. But my point is he is obviously good to her or else she wouldn't be with him. So he has to be a good guy he just isn't nice to other people. I knew he wouldn't be nice to me because I'm not her, I don't matter as much you know?

 

See? This is the flawed thinking I brought up previously. He doesn't treat her well, he isn't good to her. He cheats on her. He's certainly not marriage material. If she knew that he was having sex with you, she'd likely call off the wedding. Most women with self respect would. Yet you, think he's just a swell guy, that she's lucky to have him. She's not and he's scum, no matter how pretty you think he is. If you dress up a pig, it's still a pig.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

That's odd. I could have sworn you said previously you went back to school to meet guys. And guessing which field of study you've chosen based on your description (I married someone in that field)...no, you're probably not going to meet many men that way.

 

I wanted to be in a school environment to meet guys I hoped my program would have more men but there aren't lol I do love my program. I love what I do on a daily basis

[pink_sugar]

OP, you know if you don't want them to get married...do the right thing and tell her what's going on.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

OP, you know if you don't want them to get married...do the right thing and tell her what's going on.

 

I can't tell her, that would be mean of me and it wouldn't be coming from a helpful place. I'm also a little afraid of him and what he would do. The best I can do is just leave it alone, leave him alone, maybe it was just a passing thing for him. He said when he joined the dating site he was being stupid so idk

[FusionCutter]

I can't tell her, that would be mean of me and it wouldn't be coming from a helpful place. I'm also a little afraid of him and what he would do. The best I can do is just leave it alone, leave him alone, maybe it was just a passing thing for him. He said when he joined the dating site he was being stupid so idk

 

Listen to yourself and your gut. You are right.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

You're just being mean so whatever.

 

Ah yes, this is all you ever say. How the heck was it "mean" when it was 100% true. You are still single aren't you?

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Ah yes, this is all you ever say. How the heck was it "mean" when it was 100% true. You are still single aren't you?

 

The way you said it was unkind.

Don't rub it in

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Did no one else see this?

 

I would be a good mother though I am so loving. I just want to love a baby and kiss it a ton and just be a mommy. I want to be a wife so I can have someone to love me and do stuff with and be special to.

 

Everything about this is astonishingly selfish. I wouldn't be so surprised to hear it from a 13-year-old, but a 23-year-old?! You do not create a vulnerable life and bring it into the world so you can "love a baby and kiss it a ton". You do not get married so you can have "someone to love you". Babies and husbands do not exist to give you attention.

 

Ordinarily, when someone is craving total, unconditional love and affection, I tell them to get a dog. I'm honestly not sure if you're responsible enough for that.

 

Your desperate need to feel loved, plus your extreme anger and jealousy of others, is a very frightening combination. Whatever therapy you're getting right now is not working. Please print out your posts and show them to a licensed professional. I'm not even trying to be a jerk. I'm just worried.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Did no one else see this?

 

 

 

Everything about this is astonishingly selfish. I wouldn't be so surprised to hear it from a 13-year-old, but a 23-year-old?! You do not create a vulnerable life and bring it into the world so you can "love a baby and kiss it a ton". You do not get married so you can have "someone to love you". Babies and husbands do not exist to give you attention.

 

Ordinarily, when someone is craving total, unconditional love and affection, I tell them to get a dog. I'm honestly not sure if you're responsible enough for that.

 

Your desperate need to feel loved, plus your extreme anger and jealousy of others, is a very frightening combination. Whatever therapy you're getting right now is not working. Please print out your posts and show them to a licensed professional. I'm not even trying to be a jerk. I'm just worried.

 

Can't do a dog I don't time the time. I know you're going to say "well how can you have a baby and be a wife if you don't have time for a dog?!" I just want a relationship now. By 25 I could be married I will graduate my undergrad program right before 26. I could have a baby right after graduation or get pregnant right before graduation

[Timshel]

KeepCalmCarryON- You are ok. You are a good girl who has made some bad choices. You are a smart. beautiful human being who is valuable and you have a purpose in this world.

 

Turn off the computer, write your thoughts in a diary. Make it the first day of your new life. Write on paper what you feel.

 

Turn on the tv and watch a stupid show, eat what you want, go to sleep.

 

He is not yours because he does not love you. You will have love. You do not have to be her or anyone except who you are. True love will love you for exactly who you are. This will happen. Don't worry. Be Calm.

 

All of this will Pass.

 

Turn off your computer and phone and watch tv order pizza. Do not have any man around you tonight. You are ok.

[georgia girl]

Keep Calm,

 

 

Just one last time, I'll offer you the secret sauce: marriage and babies are not goals. While it's great and healthy to want those things, they alone cannot be the goals.

 

 

Focus instead on who you want to be with the absolute confidence that who you want to be will be attractive and lovable to the one right man. Then, set incredibly high standards and stick to them. Never, ever, ever again commit to a man more than he's willing to commit to you.

 

 

Go down this path together. When he starts getting attached, you should naturally start getting attached. When he starts thinking seriously about "the next step," you should be thinking about the next step.

 

 

Where you are now, you have already taken the journey alone. That's why you're frustrated, angry and so very willing to compromise too much. Instead, take the journey back to the starting place. Put marriage and kids out of your mind. Enjoy what's in front of you today. It may take weeks, it may take months and it may very well take a year or two, but I promise if you focus on the things you like to do, the people you want to be around and the work that fulfills you, you will meet someone who enjoys those same things.

 

 

It will happen naturally. And when it does, its absolutely freaking amazing. It's such a confidence-builder and creates such a sense of contentment and security. But it has to happen naturally. You cannot force it or make it happen. It will never work that way.

 

 

I imagine that you're bright, beautiful, funny and enjoyable to be around. A girl like that is very attractive to men. Go out on dates for the free dinner and the movie. Don't put out. When you realize you like someone enough to share that intimate part of you, then share it with him. But make him work for it.

 

 

Read the book, "Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady." It will be transformative for you!!!!

[pink_sugar]

In my case, my mom's only aspirations were to be a wife and mom. She wanted those things so young that my dad was not on the same page. She had kids with someone with different aspirations. Having kids anyways made it difficult for my brother and I growing up. My dad resents my mom and my mom barely provided for us. Sometimes to this day I wonder why she doesn't regret having kids so young. You are much better off financially to have children in your 30's than 20's. It is my mission not to repeat my mom's mistakes and probably the reason I hesitate to have kids. At the very least I am going to be established before having kids.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Ok I can definitely hold out on the kids, getting s boyfriend soon would be great though

[Natsu21]

Ok I can definitely hold out on the kids, getting s boyfriend soon would be great though

 

I say this is the most caring way possible:

 

You're coming off as incredibly desperate. I won't say you'll find someone, but I will say you definitely won't find a decent person if you're thinking that you NEED a boyfriend.

 

You're about to graduate and go into the workforce, you'll have money to go out, socialize, meet people. Maybe you can find a decent person this way!