Does it ever make you feel good or better than the other person?

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

It was me. And you don't get it because you don't want to get it.

 

Take playing The Sims. No...playing that in itself won't 'get you a man' But, if you go online and join game forums around that game and others, you might get the chance to get to know some folks online that you share that interest with.

 

Same with crocheting. You could use online resources (like the Ravelry page, for example) that could actually let you meet other people, and even attend some "sit and knit' type groups where you'll meet other women in a public setting...which can also help you eventually to meet someone. Or, crochet a number of items and take them to a craft fair or similar to sell.

 

There are always ways to turn your interests into a means to meet other people.

 

 

Sitting at home daydreaming about meeting someone isn't going to do it. Online dating sites are highly unlikely to attract the kind of man that you appear to seek.

 

 

 

 

The way you've described how you envision motherhood leads a lot of us to suspect you don't have a clear/realistic picture of what it's like.

 

You make light of the idea of dealing with a child with a disability...one of my children was born with one, and you have no idea how difficult that can be. Both raising the child, and the strain it can put on your marriage as well.

 

You really need to just focus on being happy with yourself...which makes you more attractive to the kind of men you hope to meet. Slow down/abandon this insane timeline you've got. It will scare the hell out of any potential 'mates' you meet.

 

Let it happen when it happens.

 

If you can't do that...resign yourself to either getting a less ideal man, or no man at all.

 

This question came up for me a few times and I kind of ignored it because I didn't want to answer. I have a disability, a visible one, that I was also born with so I get it. I know it can be stressful, I also know thats a huge reason for why I need a husband and kids. Anyways I never saw my parents struggle with the fact that I had a disability, maybe it is because it isn't super serious, I can function with it and it is milder than some other people's. I just never saw a strain on their marriage because of that. Finances yes that causes a major strain with my family and my parents almost divorced because of it.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Okay, I will tell you what defines me. I am the head of a department in a global company. I have built it from scratch, so had a hand in major business initiatives. Including my newest project which is a women's initiative actions. I am very involved in the horse community and used to ride competitively as well as getting back into it. I have owned my own business though no longer do in the horse world. I have promoted upper level riders and helped run their business. I am very passionate about all my animals. I am addicted to reading. I enjoy traveling and seeing new places. I am funny, smart and witty. I have a big heart and a fiery temper. I love hard but won't tolerate fools. Family is important and try and stay very involved with them. I am a liberal and involved in local political initiatives and grassroots concerns. I am addicted to Big Bang Theory and watch it obsessively. I detest mushrooms (and yes that definitely defines me! ). I am a vegetarian and have been since I was 14 years old. I learned after my divorce how much I enjoyed my alone time and being with myself. I really relished quiet and being accountable for my days. I am shy in general public settings but am aggressive and outspoken on topics that I am passionate about and work related.

 

So, outside of role of wife or mother, what defines you? What makes you interesting? Why should a man or woman want to be friends/partner with you?

 

I like to read, I am getting my Masters which has kind of opened me up to a lot of opportunities in interesting things like training in discipline, art therapy, EMDR and stuff like that. I think I am funny and I am polite, I always try to start conversation on the elevator and I hold doors and I guess I come off really nice (if only people knew my brain), I consider myself a Republican but my program is really based off of liberal beliefs and I am starting to try to open my mind. I don't really know how I feel about politics. I want to learn about football, I love the Steelers. My interest in sports though really started when I met the engaged guy. He said he and his fiancee love football and fantasy football and so I figured if I learned about it and joined a fantasy team I could find someone like him. I also mentioned the cooking, shooting, and concerts. My family is important to me and I really want to be a better friend. Especially to my friend who just had a baby, I am having a hard time with that and I want to just be a good friend but overcoming those issues is hard. I watch a lot of reality TV and movies, I like video games COD and yeah... I think that's it.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

This question came up for me a few times and I kind of ignored it because I didn't want to answer. I have a disability, a visible one, that I was also born with so I get it. I know it can be stressful, I also know thats a huge reason for why I need a husband and kids.

 

Ah. I'm beginning to get a much clearer picture and things are starting to make a lot more sense to me now.

[Got it]

I like to read, I am getting my Masters which has kind of opened me up to a lot of opportunities in interesting things like training in discipline, art therapy, EMDR and stuff like that. I think I am funny and I am polite, I always try to start conversation on the elevator and I hold doors and I guess I come off really nice (if only people knew my brain), I consider myself a Republican but my program is really based off of liberal beliefs and I am starting to try to open my mind. I don't really know how I feel about politics. I want to learn about football, I love the Steelers. My interest in sports though really started when I met the engaged guy. He said he and his fiancee love football and fantasy football and so I figured if I learned about it and joined a fantasy team I could find someone like him. I also mentioned the cooking, shooting, and concerts. My family is important to me and I really want to be a better friend. Especially to my friend who just had a baby, I am having a hard time with that and I want to just be a good friend but overcoming those issues is hard. I watch a lot of reality TV and movies, I like video games COD and yeah... I think that's it.

 

Okay! So do you feel these things define you? Do you like these things about yourself? Why not start focusing more on these things? Focus on being the better friend? Why is that hard?

 

Do you really like football? You say you started because of the guy, is this something you really have found you like or you "should" like?

 

Cooking, have you tried to delve deeper into that? Maybe join a local cooking group? Taken a class? Shooting? Same thing. And concerts, is that a certain type of music? Joined the local music scene?

 

I get the "shoulding" yourself. I think many young women do/did it. I did it with my eating disorder. I shoulda myself all the time. And you know what? It's exhausting! You will never live up to the expectations in your head. You won't and no one else will as well. Work on letting them go. And work on living in today. Life is not waiting to start. It has started and continues to tick. You are going to let it pass by sitting on the sidelines.

 

But I think if you take those hobbies and dig deeper into them you will find others of like mind as well as a deepening appreciate for those areas. You may not find your future husband but I promise you, you won't regret it and may even have some fun.

[Got it]

You're definitely someone that would fit in the South. See? You got some things to offer. Be proud of those things.

 

Also, what's your gamertag? I feel like I need to humiliate you in a nice game of camping in a tower.

 

What on earth is with you and the South? I am Southern and starting to get offended by your continue insulting of southern women. You know they run the gamut right? Sheesh.

[Got it]

I watch Modern Family too, but it's because I have a slightly unhealthy obsession with Sofia Vergara's sexy accent. And Sofia Vergara.

 

and I've watched BBT more times than I can count. I can quote half the show because well, I'm a nerd and proud of it.

 

You have my attention.

 

Observe, KeepCalm, ^this, is what would help you attract a man: having a conversation like this.

 

Now if she's a fan of How I Met Your Mother...I'm asking her out and I don't CARE if she says no, lol.

 

I AM a fan! And sorry, very much married so not available. BUT I have a lovely, and even better looking younger sister that is recently available and is far funnier and more sarcastic than me. And a rabid football fan. And definitely less of a handful than I am.

 

She is tall, blond, gorgeous and hilarious and really has no idea. I think the best combination!

 

Hate to spoil things but you know SV accent is . . . exaggerated, right? Not her true accent.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

You're definitely someone that would fit in the South. See? You got some things to offer. Be proud of those things.

 

Also, what's your gamertag? I feel like I need to humiliate you in a nice game of camping in a tower.

 

Haha I don't play online I am not that good haha

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Captain Obvious, here.

 

So the real reason why she wants a man is because she probably hates herself and views herself unattractive.

 

Btw, KeepCalm, I dated a girl in a wheelchair for 5 months. It was pretty awesome. She was a gamer, funny, delightful, a great cook, and not to mention engaging. We could do nothing and I was so happy being around her. Too bad she moved.

 

Really? That's cool, a lot of guys freak out. Or totally disappear.

[Got it]

Really? That's cool, a lot of guys freak out. Or totally disappear.

 

I am sorry to hear that. ((((Keep))))

 

You know that this just shows how unworthy they are right? I agree, I think now it is obvious that a "husband and kids" gives you validation that you are okay and acceptable. Honey you should know that you are without those things. I am sorry that others have made you feel less than because of it.

[Owl]

This question came up for me a few times and I kind of ignored it because I didn't want to answer. I have a disability, a visible one, that I was also born with so I get it. I know it can be stressful, I also know thats a huge reason for why I need a husband and kids. Anyways I never saw my parents struggle with the fact that I had a disability, maybe it is because it isn't super serious, I can function with it and it is milder than some other people's. I just never saw a strain on their marriage because of that. Finances yes that causes a major strain with my family and my parents almost divorced because of it.

 

YOU weren't supposed to see that. If (and it's theoretically possible that it didn't create a problem, but unlikely) it did cause issues...they surely would have NEVER let you know that.

 

My children were certainly never included in how hard we had to work out how best to deal with the situation created in all of this.

 

But again...the issue here is that you seem to take it all for granted that it's going to be easy, fun, and all around making YOUR life better.

 

The reality is the exact opposite. If you can't become selfless over selfish...if you don't even see that it's all about your children and not about yourself...and if you expect that it's all about how wonderful you're going to feel...you're not ready to be a parent.

 

Your total focus on your timeline is an indicator. The methods you've been using so far to find a mate...and your frustration at their failure without trying something new...an indicator. Your belief that this is what you NEED in order to be happy...an indicator.

 

Slow down. I've got kids your age...and I'm really glad they're not trying to push themselves to follow your timetable. They'd just be setting themselves up for MORE unhappiness.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm sorry but you sound cold and calculating. I usually don't wish bad things on people but I do believe in Karma and in the end, we all get what we deserve.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

I am sorry to hear that. ((((Keep))))

 

You know that this just shows how unworthy they are right? I agree, I think now it is obvious that a "husband and kids" gives you validation that you are okay and acceptable. Honey you should know that you are without those things. I am sorry that others have made you feel less than because of it.

 

I would probably believe that more if it didn't always happen. Like one guy who is a douche and can't accept it is one thing but like in the last 4 years it's been a lot. And then they go on and date super pretty girls and have babies and it's just sad for me.

[Got it]

I just left the South. Lived there for 20 years and it was probably one of the worst experiences in my life.

 

I'm sure you're a good person, but you couldn't pay me enough to go back there.

 

The South is big. Depends on where you are and how much of a metro area. I am now on the very most northern edges of it. But born and bred and in the south so for all of it's downsides still find it a beautiful place.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

I'm sorry but you sound cold and calculating. I usually don't wish bad things on people but I do believe in Karma and in the end, we all get what we deserve.

 

Obviously we don't all get what we deserve. If we did I would be married with babies by now

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

I would love to try living in the South. I almost went to UK for my Masters but it was far and I wasn't ready to be away that far

[Got it]

Well, I've tried dating out of my league before, why not try again

 

Single you say? She's got nothing against 5'8 tall men of darker skin and epic hair and a even better brain?

 

I can give her better head than Bill Nye Or Sheldon. Definitely Sheldon.

 

I don't care if it's fake, IT'S sexy. I always had a thing for Latinas.

 

Nope! Actually her last boyfriend, of 6 years and the moron just didn't want to grow up, was . . . 5'8 I think. She is 5'7 but has no preferences on height.

 

See men! A tall women that doesn't care about height! lol

 

Not sure on race, she is pretty open though the last guy reminded me of a cross between Gomer Pyle, Robin Williams, and Peter Pan.

 

She too lacks confidence at times and doesn't see all that she brings to the table. But she is stellar and a definite catch. And will be out of most men's league as soon as she realizes it.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Obviously we don't all get what we deserve. If we did I would be married with babies by now

 

Ok, what have you done in your life that makes feel you "deserve" marriage and kids? And please don't answer with "I'd be an awesome mom/wife" or "I'm getting my Master's" again. What have you honestly done, I mean actively done in your life that makes you feel you should be rewarded. And "because everyone else around me gets it so why can't I?" doesn't count either.

[Got it]

I would probably believe that more if it didn't always happen. Like one guy who is a douche and can't accept it is one thing but like in the last 4 years it's been a lot. And then they go on and date super pretty girls and have babies and it's just sad for me.

 

(((((Keep)))))

 

I understand and it is hard to see. But it is totally them if that is why they are leaving you. Have you tried volunteering? They say that is one of the best ways to see the positive in others and yourself. You may find people, if you go after those that are more humanitarian focused, to be better types of people who are more mature.

 

If you are dating online. Just stop. I did it briefly and got some great laughs but I didn't do it with any serious intent. It will kill someone's self esteem and confidence. It is absolutely ridiculous.

[Got it]

Ok, what have you done in your life that makes feel you "deserve" marriage and kids? And please don't answer with "I'd be an awesome mom/wife" or "I'm getting my Master's" again. What have you honestly done, I mean actively done in your life that makes you feel you should be rewarded. And "because everyone else around me gets it so why can't I?" doesn't count either.

 

I don't understand this question? What does anyone do in their life to "deserve" marriage and/or kids? Then what don't others do to be so rewarded?

 

Sounds like a very slippery slope question to say that we are rewarded or punished based on things that may frankly be outside of someone's control.

 

I have been married twice. I can't recall what I have done to feel that this was a reward. I know what I have done to sustain the relationships and what I have brought to the table. But nothing that the marriage was some sort of reward like a doggie biscuit.

[Got it]

My online experiences usually end well. I get to talking with the women, till they look at my picture.

 

I've gotten the "sorry, I don't date black guys" deal a lot. Everyone's got their preferences.

 

So I usually expect them not to be open, but that doesn't stop me from trying You never know what could happen.

 

Btw, I can imagine the guy looked like an effeminate comedian. I definitely have a chance!

 

Btw, I'm mixed.

 

More like the funny guy frat boy. Hilarious guy but really no desire to grow and stop partying. After 30 it's just not "cute" anymore. After 35 it's just sad.

[ComingInHot]

I AM a fan! And sorry, very much married so not available. BUT I have a lovely, and even better looking younger sister that is recently available and is far funnier and more sarcastic than me. And a rabid football fan. And definitely less of a handful than I am.

 

She is tall, blond, gorgeous and hilarious and really has no idea. I think the best combination!

 

Hate to spoil things but you know SV accent is . . . exaggerated, right? Not her true accent.

 

I love that you adore your baby sister this much! I only have big overprotective brothers (they ROCK but nothing like having a sister I hear*)

 

MORE IMPORTANTLY KeepCalm Re-Read the part where Got it is PROUD of a sister whom she believes is funnier (I doubt it), prettier (It's a tie I'm sure) and a slew of other things.

It is REALLY Beautiful to read and it MAKES Me want to know more about a person who comes off as SO Wonderful! (i am not being sarcastic at all either)

 

Try being happy for others and let there joy in return Fill You Up. You are starving and running on empty but not putting in the 'right' stuff and it's only hurting your engine dear, not letting you run right.

Try it*

[Redheaded Mistress]

Well I haven't texted him in a week so to me that is kind of like ending it. Indirectly.

 

No, that's the lull between bootie calls.

 

Hobbies, you said (it may have been someone else actually) that having hobbies will bring me closer to a spouse because we could have some common interest. I doubt that playing sims in my house is going to make a man show up. I doubt crocheting (no matter where I am) will bring a guy to me.

 

I played Sims like mad in the early 2000's. I'm still obsessed with console gaming. Even as we speak I have a DS sitting by me running up coin on my dream city.

 

Do you know how many men when they asked a polite "what do you do for fun?" looked at me with eyes wide, jaws on the floor when I said "I computer and console games"? All of them. I'd say 100% of the time after that, the conversations changed from polite casualness to actual engaging conversations. More than 80% of men your age play games.

 

Is it going to bring men to your doorstep with a ring? No. But it is decidedly more interesting to answer "what do you do" with "I'm a gamer" as opposed to "I'm trying to nail down a husband and have kids in less than a year." That's why hobbies help you in the dating field. In the personal area, it means you're not spending your free time saying "I need a man, I need a man, I need a man, I need a man."

 

mean ok I get it I should be doing all this stuff for me but I need to do stuff that will bring a man around too.

 

Right now, your hobby could be playing second string to Tom Brady and hanging out with Aerosmith before jetting off to Italy with George Clooney and it still wouldn't bring you men. The vibe you have out there, based off your posts and your treatment of the men around you is "desperate," "needy," and "manipulative." Maybe even "lazy" and "narcissistic."

 

I feel like you are trying to make children and marriage seem scary but you are married, you have kids it obviously isn't as bad as you make it out to be. I wouldn't care about gender, I want a baby. I wouldn't care if they had a disability. I mean I would but I wouldn't love them less it would just be more hard. Having babies while you're still young lowers the risk of disabled children... just saying

 

You have 20+ years before your age plays a role in having a disabled child and the fact you can spit out that fact and follow it up with a shows just how detached from the actual reality of having a child you are.

 

I am married and I do have kids... And I have to tell you, at one time or another one, the other, or both of those facts was absolutely terrifying. Yes, it is beautiful, meaningful, and the best thing I've ever done, but when one kid has thrown up on the floor at midnight while the other two are screaming in their rooms and your husband says "I have to work tomorrow, I can't be up all night dealing with this..." (my sister) you won't feel that way. When your infant has cried at the top of their lungs for 4 straight hours despite having every need attended to (that one is me), you won't feel that way. When you have to leave a grocery store and a full cart of groceries in an aisle because your child is in their terrible twos and is having a tantrum over you picking the wrong color of juice (me again), you won't feel that way. When you look at your husband and realize you haven't had a movie night, date night, meal alone, or anything close to resembling bonding time in you can't remember how long (I think that's everybody), you won't feel that way.

 

Yes, there's pure magic moments, but those moments come after much longer periods of hard work, exhaustion, and extreme amounts of personal sacrifice to your body, relationship, and yourself. If you're only thinking it's magic moments, it means you're setting yourself and your family up for pure disaster. You act like you hit these milestones, the race is over, the work is done. You've hit the finish line. Truth is, you hit that milestone of marriage and kids, your work is JUST starting.

 

The dating and the getting married? That's the easy part. The part you're in now? This is the easiest and most stress-free your life will ever be. And when I see that keeping an apartment clean and going to school is a stressful struggle for you... Imagine doing all of that, but balancing kids, their needs, and keeping a marriage going in there too.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I don't know what you want me to say? You obviously know everything since you had an affair with a married man. What do you want from me. I still want a relationship, I am still going to try to find someone before I'm old as ****. I don't know what you want.

 

If you keep going on this path, you won't find somebody that's worth having.

 

I have known guys who said they wanted their wives to stay home, I used to talk to this guy in the military/police officer, who said "I just want a woman to hold my household down" guys like women who don't suck in life and can take care of a house. I can take care of a house. I would be a good housewife and a good mother and if I meet a guy who doesn't value that then hey I also have an education so I could work if they wanted that too. I am flexible.

 

And when he said that, he said he meant he wanted somebody who works as hard as he does at work at home, so he has less on his plate. It means you're working more than full time. Imagine getting a 100 hour a week job, then never leaving the workplace, even when you're not working. That's what he's thinking.

 

The "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" setup where the husbands work and the wives relax and putter around with shopping, spas, and gyms is not what he means.

 

I am not having an affair, he is separated it is just weird because separated is still legally married. He still lives with her they still share cute family pics on Facebook. I am not 100% devoted to him though, nothing about the way we talk has been sexual so in all honesty it is nothing. You are the last person to judge a person for having an affair. Maybe he and I are just "so in love and he will leave his family for me".

 

Actually, I was referring to the affair with the engaged guy.

 

Not the apparent affair you're looking to get into now, save for the "unfun" factor of how busy he is with kids.

 

Am I judging you for an affair? No. I'm pointing out how hypocritical it is to go on one thread and play the Saint who'd never have an affair ever, who tries to shame me unsuccessfully over mine, who attacks another woman for hers, who pulls the "I'd never EVER do the awful, terrible, disgusting things that you people do," while on this thread you have one situation where you're an OW and having an affair and you don't feel bad about it, and another one who may or may not be on the string who you are increasingly admitting may not actually be divorcing, and seeing nothing wrong with that, acting like it's no big deal, and adopting the "oh well, I need a man and she needs to be knocked down a peg or two for having what I want."

Edited October 27, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[Redheaded Mistress]

And I think at this point, you're doing what you admit you do with the men you try to hook... You say and do things you know are disruptive because you thrive on the attention. Right now, I think you are enjoying the attention and therefore will say whatever it takes to get it... That's why the stories and viewpoints you share change from thread to thread. You adopt the attitude, viewpoint, and opinion that gets you the most attention. So I'm going to step back, since I think half of what I'm saying is falling on deaf ears, the other half is related to stuff that is stuff you said to get a rise out of people for attention.

[WhatIsLove2014]

KeepCalm,

 

I have read many of your threads and they all have the same theme. You will accept whatever you can get. I know about your timeline for marriage and kids. But messing around with an engaged man...that has no future. Even if maybe by some weird chance, he dumps his fiancé and comes to you, would you even be able to trust him? Ever heard the saying "if he cheats with you, he will cheat on"?

 

You do have self worth issues. I don't know what your disability is but obviously, it has a serious impact on your self esteem.

 

You could date and work on yourself but you really need to completely focus on yourself. You have a distorted way of thinking from what I can tell from your threads. I promise I'm not being mean but I'm all about empowering women. Please look within yourself, change what YOU (not men) don't like. Be yourself. Men can sense when women aren't being genuine and that maybe why you are constantly being used and put down.

 

You may like the attention but at the end of the day, he is more than likely going to marry HER. He didn't text you because he was taking pictures with HER. She will always be first, even if she's not the only one.

 

I promise once you work on yourself, everything will fall into place.

 

WIL2014*