Does it ever make you feel good or better than the other person?

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Sorry, I wouldn't get it.

 

I don't like country accents or blond men and I don't fall over myself just because a man looks good. It takes A LOT more to impress me.

 

I look good too and I value myself so have no need to feel flattered because some man wants to show me his penis. Eww. That's your problem OP, clearly you don't feel all that great about yourself and feel that this guy is somehow above you so you should lap up any attention from him.

 

Nope. I'm definitely not the one for that. I have NO issues telling a wealthy, good looking or famous man where to eff off to in a heart beat if I feel he is disrespecting me, because I don't go around with the belief that I am less than so should just be glad for any man's attention. That's the difference.

 

.. umm ok I guess?

I mean we all want someone attractive. For me I just don't get why it can't be me. I mean he cheats on her, so he obviously isn't that good of a guy so why can't I just get him or someone like him. Does that make sense?

 

In the end I think I deserve respect of course, but as long as a guy doesn't physically hurt me I can't see myself not being happy in any relationship that I could get into.

 

At the same time I don't like being treated badly either, but I am a dedicated person so I just don't get why someone would intentionally treat me badly.

[Nattie]

Is this for real? Seriously?

[Redheaded Mistress]

I mean I know kind of when a guy isn't being genuine. I know this guy isn't. He doesn't tell me I'm pretty or care about anything that is going on in my life or anything like that. He just cares about me showing stuff on FT. If you saw him though you would get it. He is like the tall, former military guy, with blonde hair and the cutest country accent ever in life. That type of guy being interested in me is like "yay!!!" that's awesome

 

At the risk of sounding conceited, finding a guy who wants to pay you the compliment of commitment-free sex isn't all together difficult, or at least it hasn't been for me... If I chose to indulge that.

 

It's the flattery and compliments that come from finding a partner who respects you that is difficult. Once you've had that, you realize just how little flattery there is in even a cute guy saying he just wants to sleep with you.

 

However, if you pursue that kind of relationship, sex without meaning or relationships, it puts you at odds with finding the type of relationship you're looking for.

 

It's like being a human box of Kleenex... You're used because you're there, you serve your limited purpose, you may even do it well, but you'll always end up getting a part of you chucked in the trash when whomever is using that part of you is done. Then your forgotten about until the next time somebody with a cold comes along.

[Ruffian1]

"I didn't say she didn't deserve marriage, just not to him."

 

 

Exactly why do you believe she does not "deserve' to be marrying this guy?

 

 

Because of the way she looks?

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

At the risk of sounding conceited, finding a guy who wants to pay you the compliment of commitment-free sex isn't all together difficult, or at least it hasn't been for me... If I chose to indulge that.

 

It's the flattery and compliments that come from finding a partner who respects you that is difficult. Once you've had that, you realize just how little flattery there is in even a cute guy saying he just wants to sleep with you.

 

However, if you pursue that kind of relationship, sex without meaning or relationships, it puts you at odds with finding the type of relationship you're looking for.

 

It's like being a human box of Kleenex... You're used because you're there, you serve your limited purpose, you may even do it well, but you'll always end up getting a part of you chucked in the trash when whomever is using that part of you is done. Then your forgotten about until the next time somebody with a cold comes along.

 

That is depressing and I don't want that. I mean do I just stop having sex all together? None of this seems fair. It really just shouldn't be so hard.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

"I didn't say she didn't deserve marriage, just not to him."

 

 

Exactly why do you believe she does not "deserve' to be marrying this guy?

 

 

Because of the way she looks?

 

 

He is just super attractive. She isn't even ugly I just dislike her already a lot. He is the perfect guy, like perfection so yes I want Mr. Perfect too.

Edited October 21, 2014 by KeepCalmCarryOn

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Look, I know you've been here before and people would spend tens of pages trying to help you to no avail. Now you're back again asking the same questions, getting similar feedback and still your one obsession in life is finding a man even though people have explained again and again and again ad nauseum that based on your mentality you'll never attract a decent man or keep him and working on yourself needs to come first. Yet, instead of asking questions about how to work on yourself maybe, you keep asking about how to get a man or if you can date while working on yourself or you're the booty call of an engaged man or you're spending all your time jealous of everyone else....it's completely unhealthy and this kind of attitude must show.

 

If you do date I can imagine your absolute obsession with getting married or tying down a man would send a sane man screaming as it would be so clingy and suffocating and you can't pretend for that long. Even if somehow you managed to act normal eventually your real thoughts and feelings and obsessions would shine through. That's the point. There is no finding a man then working on yourself later...that's putting the cart before the horse. Working on yourself is what will help you to find a decent relationship. Then again it seems you want ANY kind of man....and if so you'll be able to land any man alright. But if you think that will make you happy....good luck! However, if you want a genuinely meaningful relationship and shyt, if you just want to be a happy person, you need to work on yourself.

 

It seems you have these strange idealizations about relationships where it seems you don't value anything else in life besides that and all you live for is to be in a relationship so are constantly unhappy and can never find happiness in your education, friends, anything else besides obsessively worrying about a man, and you're just 23 or so, which is crazy! You think once you get married or find a man and have a baby life will be rainbows and sunshine and you'll have worth and a purpose and be loved....sorry it doesn't work like that. Look around, when people get a bf or a husband, life still happens. The rain still falls, sun still shines, people still die, sometimes people get cheated on, sometimes people lost their jobs, sometimes they divorce or breakup, sometimes you have a child and the child has a disability...the list goes on. That said, marrying or having a child is not a quick fix to your problems but can compound them! If you are wanting a child only for the kid to love you or for you to have someone else to obsess over...that child will resent you for it. Likewise if you have a bf/husband and have NOTHING else you live for besides him he will feel smothered and grow to resent you too or worse take advantage and abuse you because he knows you worship him.

 

Being a WELL-BALANCED person who is happy with herself and can be happy for other people and who has other stuff going...there is no substitute for that and I hope you don't wait until you're 50 to figure this out. Get self-help books, see a therapist, do stuff to work on YOU! The amount of threads you make on finding a man or this loser guy if you invest the same amount of time in just worrying about being a better you, you'd reap a lot more rewards IMO.

 

I don't mind working on myself. I just know it is going to take a while. I want to work on myself I just don't want to spend years improving myself and still end up with no one. Can I like start the self improvement and if someone comes along date them, but still work on it? Does this mean deleting my dating site accounts? I mean intense therapy I have been doing for a year and still I am in situations like this.

[Lurkeraspect]

As a mother of women and men who are single, this is frightening, I feel like I need to call each of my adult kids and share the link to this post. Wow.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

As a mother of women and men who are single, this is frightening, I feel like I need to call each of my adult kids and share the link to this post. Wow.

 

What is frightening? Wanting kids before I am old? Or being involved with an engaged man? I mean to me that isn't frightening... definitely morally questionable and wrong but not frightening.

[Lurkeraspect]

I looked at her FB and saw their engagement pics. I just get so mad! I see them all happy and getting married next year. She isn't even pretty. He shouldn't marry her.

 

It wouldn't be fair if it happened to me because my life has already been dealt a ****ty hand, I don't deserve more awful stuff to happen to me.

 

This post is scary. Please, seek help. I don't think you're a bad person, I just think (by all your posts) that you perhaps need professional help. You're very young, and headed to a dark place (because of your actions) as you seem to want children, regardless of their parents situation. You seem to want kids, regardless of the man. I'll choose to protect my son, as it seems you are hell bent on getting pregnant. Good visual for my son. He needs to know that women like you are out there...just waiting.

 

 

Please seek help.

Edited October 21, 2014 by Lurkeraspect

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

This post is scary. Please, seek help. I don't think you're a bad person, I just think (by all your posts) that you perhaps need professional help. You're very young, and headed away (because of your actions) the things you profess to want.

 

 

Please seek help.

 

I am in therapy! Lol I am I don't know what else I am supposed to be doing? I need to just do what makes me happy and keep dating until I find someone because that would be much better than anything else I am doing with my life at the moment. I'm getting so frustrated with all of this.

 

Sorry I didn't just meet someone in college when i was constantly around attractive men, sorry I decided to get a Masters in a stupid field that is pretty much all women and gay men, sorry I will probably graduate and work and how will I find someone then? I mean what am I supposed to be doing with myself? Travel, go places?? All of those things would be a million times more fun with someone else. A guy not friends.

 

I just don't feel like his fiancee deserves him, I don't think he should be with her. I am not saying he should be with me. I just think the situation sucks. He isn't even faithful to her.

 

I'm not just getting pregnant by anyone. If I was I would have just let the furniture mover come over when he asked me and when he said he wanted to get me pregnant. I do have some small rational part of my brain. Anyways if your son likes sex it could easily happen. If I really really really wanted to be pregnant I have had chances. When I slept with the guy who is engaged I wasn't on BC and we had to talk about "what if"

Edited October 21, 2014 by KeepCalmCarryOn

[Lurkeraspect]

I am in therapy! Lol I am I don't know what else I am supposed to be doing? I need to just do what makes me happy and keep dating until I find someone because that would be much better than anything else I am doing with my life at the moment. I'm getting so frustrated with all of this.

 

Sorry I didn't just meet someone in college when i was constantly around attractive men, sorry I decided to get a Masters in a stupid field that is pretty much all women and gay men, sorry I will probably graduate and work and how will I find someone then? I mean what am I supposed to be doing with myself? Travel, go places?? All of those things would be a million times more fun with someone else. A guy not friends.

 

I just don't feel like his fiancee deserves him, I don't think he should be with her. I am not saying he should be with me. I just think the situation sucks. He isn't even faithful to her.

 

I'm not just getting pregnant by anyone. If I was I would have just let the furniture mover come over when he asked me and when he said he wanted to get me pregnant. I do have some small rational part of my brain. Anyways if your son likes sex it could easily happen. If I really really really wanted to be pregnant I have had chances. When I slept with the guy who is engaged I wasn't on BC and we had to talk about "what if"

 

If you were my daughter, I'd just hug you. I'm not sure what gave you this sense that you can't be happy without an man, that your (educated) life means nothing without children. Hello? You're worth more. You're life has value without being a wife and mother. You may disagree, but...you're 23. Argue away. You're argument means slightly less than a case of pink eye. Relax.

 

Please just stop. You may think that the world ends at 30. I promise you it doesn't. I promise you, you can still have viable annoying kids. It's sill possible. You, my dear friend, need to relax. Enjoy your life. The marriage, kids, throw up, ****ty diapers will all come. Just relax and let it come. Your desperation will repel men, they will run, and run fast . Especially men, who want those things in good time. Please...RELAX. Work on you. Work on your issues. Enjoy being 23, as it's likely to come again.

[Lovebug66]

I say this as gently as I can.

 

What I see coming through in your posts are some character traits that men don't find attractive. You seem very entitled and want to play the victim. Good men don't like that. You also seem very jealous and don't like people just for the fact they have something you don't have. Good men don't like that either. You may think you can hide those things from them, just like you think you hide your desire to get married and have babies, but they pick up on that stuff pretty easily. That is why you are being told to work on yourself first. The only men you will attract with your current mindset are users and losers. That's not what you want, right?

 

It doesn't matter how cute this current guy is, he's a user and a cheater. Is that what you really want? It really concerns me that you don't care how a husband would treat you other than not getting violent. Believe me, it matters a lot. You are setting yourself up for a life of misery going down the path you are on right now, but you can turn it around if you get your focus onto yourself.

[GreySkyMorning]

You are right about one thing. She DOESN'T deserve him. No woman deserves a man like that, a lying cheating scumbag. Hopefully she values herself more than that. I wish you did.

[whichwayisup]

That is depressing and I don't want that. I mean do I just stop having sex all together? None of this seems fair. It really just shouldn't be so hard.

 

If you respect yourself and want a healthy type of love, then YES. Stop having sex with a man who is already married.

 

Find a single guy if you want just sex - That way it's just the two of you..And not on the expense and behind a wife's back.

 

I mentioned it earlier, imagine your dad doing this behind your mom's back. Having 'fun' sex with whomever, just because the girl happens to be there and he can get away with it. Don't be that girl, be someone else.

 

I am in therapy!

 

Think about finding another therapist, one that understands you and can push you hard into changing your views and also work on your self esteem and low confidence issues that you have.

Edited October 21, 2014 by whichwayisup

[whichwayisup]

I looked at her FB and saw their engagement pics. I just get so mad! I see them all happy and getting married next year. She isn't even pretty. He shouldn't marry her.

 

It wouldn't be fair if it happened to me because my life has already been dealt a ****ty hand, I don't deserve more awful stuff to happen to me.

 

So, if she was pretty, it would okay for him to marry her?

 

Stop lurking their facebook pages and focus on your own life.

[whichwayisup]

I mean I know kind of when a guy isn't being genuine. I know this guy isn't. He doesn't tell me I'm pretty or care about anything that is going on in my life or anything like that. He just cares about me showing stuff on FT. If you saw him though you would get it. He is like the tall, former military guy, with blonde hair and the cutest country accent ever in life. That type of guy being interested in me is like "yay!!!" that's awesome

 

Tell your therapist this.

 

Keep, you need to dig down deep and do some serious soul searching, ask yourself why you think this is okay. His disrespect and disinterest in you and your life, yet you have sex with him. Who gives a crap if he's hot and a former army guy. He is using you and doesn't care at all about you. It bothers me that you allow this to happen, you don't love yourself at all... If you did, you'd kick this guy to the curb and wait for the guy who will love, adore and care about you, put you first and treat you like a woman should be treated - With love, kindness and compassion.

 

It irks me that you think him having sex with you means he's interested in you... It's like you're lying to yourself, even in your thread, you say one thing yet mean another. Re-read the above paragraph I quoted. Let it sink in and then take time to think about what it is you're actually 'getting'.

[endingpage]

I hope that's not true because lately I've been trying to go on a ton of dates because I really want to be in a serious relationship soon that leads to marriage.

 

 

I just like how he gives me attention I feel like I get some of his attention and it's cool to me. It makes me feel good

 

You need to let go of that one mindset of snagging a man, getting married, and popping a kid out. This is dangerous and desperate and not an attractive quality. You will scare off all the good men. Good men will sense your desperation and just avoid you, the not-so-good ones will take advantage of it. Moving that quickly won't get you a man that truly respects you as a life partner.

 

And even if you do get married and have babies, you don't seem at all mature to be able to sustain a marriage. You have to work on yourself first to be able to offer something to a marriage, or you'll just find yourself at 25, divorced, with no life or job skills, and with a kid you can't take care of. Is that what you really want?

Edited October 21, 2014 by endingpage

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Tell your therapist this.

 

Keep, you need to dig down deep and do some serious soul searching, ask yourself why you think this is okay. His disrespect and disinterest in you and your life, yet you have sex with him. Who gives a crap if he's hot and a former army guy. He is using you and doesn't care at all about you. It bothers me that you allow this to happen, you don't love yourself at all... If you did, you'd kick this guy to the curb and wait for the guy who will love, adore and care about you, put you first and treat you like a woman should be treated - With love, kindness and compassion.

 

It irks me that you think him having sex with you means he's interested in you... It's like you're lying to yourself, even in your thread, you say one thing yet mean another. Re-read the above paragraph I quoted. Let it sink in and then take time to think about what it is you're actually 'getting'.

 

I think I can stop talking to him. I could just block the number. There's a few reasons I haven't, the first being that I like the attention (we talked about that) but the second is that if I sleep with him then my number doesn't get higher. I don't want to be slutty because guys REALLY won't date me you know? I know I need to just wait for someone but you don't understand, the waiting is killing me. I am tired of waiting. I mean I talk to other guys it's not like my focus is just him. Idk working on myself is possible I can totally do it. I just don't want to stop dating while I do it. I feel like I am going to be wasting my life.

 

So here is my idea and I need an opinion about it, maybe for the rest of the semester (my semester ends in early Dec) I can get off the dating websites. I can't cancel the dates I already have because that would be rude. But I can get off the sites and just focus on school but then once Christmas break starts Im going full force on every site lol like paid and free. I mean it's better than nothing. I don't know how I will increase the "self love" during that time. I have a self esteem activity book I can read I guess. This process just seems so hard. I feel like this skill should have just come. Idk I just know going another major holiday alone is not worth it to me. I think I only really have the best 2 years while I am in school, school is the perfect place to meet someone (unfortunately not in my program) but once I get out in the working world then what? I won't have time for bars, all my friends will be settled. It gives me anxiety thinking about it. I also don't want to rush and then be in a bad situation especially with kids. So it's lose lose, I could rush get married pop out munchkins and be divorced and single, or wait for someone who could possibly never come and be miserable. I know someone on here said we have control over our own happiness but I don't. I can't help my physical reaction and anger when someone my age gets married. It's just getting worse I just need to at least get into a relationship. I think I can make any relationship good. I would try so hard. I swear.

[Ruffian1]

He is just super attractive. She isn't even ugly I just dislike her already a lot. He is the perfect guy, like perfection so yes I want Mr. Perfect too

 

No, he is far from perfect, he is CHEATING on her and will most likely continue to even when married. If she knew she would probably not marry him.

 

 

Superficial perfection.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

He is just super attractive. She isn't even ugly I just dislike her already a lot. He is the perfect guy, like perfection so yes I want Mr. Perfect too

 

No, he is far from perfect, he is CHEATING on her and will most likely continue to even when married. If she knew she would probably not marry him.

 

 

Superficial perfection.

 

Realistically though would you leave someone you were with for like 5 years? That's a huge chunk of your life wasted. I mean she has a lot going for her but she's like 27 or 28 and getting a PhD Im sure it would be rough to find someone at that point. I personally know if he was mine I would NEVER EVER leave him. But he's not so it doesn't matter I guess.

[purplesorrow]

Realistically though would you leave someone you were with for like 5 years? That's a huge chunk of your life wasted. I mean she has a lot going for her but she's like 27 or 28 and getting a PhD Im sure it would be rough to find someone at that point. I personally know if he was mine I would NEVER EVER leave him. But he's not so it doesn't matter I guess.

 

Sounds like she's the catch! I don't think she would have a problem finding someone. I don't think it will be that rough. He knows that, one of the many reasons that you are a secret. People leave relationships all the time. I filed for divorce after 12 years of marriage because he cheated. He has earned a chance to win me back, but I won't hesitate to walk away if I think that is best because I know my value. If you're willing to stay with someone no matter how they treat you, well there is an abundance of those somebodies out there.

[Redheaded Mistress]

That is depressing and I don't want that. I mean do I just stop having sex all together? None of this seems fair. It really just shouldn't be so hard.

 

It's not fair that if I want to lose weight, I have to not eat an entire bag of chips every day. But if I want to lose that 5 stubborn pounds, it's what I have to do. It's not fair some people are born rich and never need to work, but I work twice as hard as they do for not nearly as much. It's not fair that I have to work all the time and can't just go on vacation when I want to. It's not fair, but it's life.

 

Getting what you want out of life has nothing to do with fair. It has to do with what you're willing to work for. What you're ready to change for. It has to do with exploring, pushing limits, and making a conscious decision that you want something and working every day to earn it. If whatever you wanted was easy to get, it wouldn't help you grow.

 

Worry less about what's fair and more about how you can level the playing field and get what you want out of life. Anything you work towards is far more rewarding than what's just handed to you and a hell of a lot more rewarding than the thing you want but never make a serious effort to get.

 

Putting the effort in means when I lose that last 5 pounds, I can celebrate my goal and how I worked to get it. It means when I make money, I can take pride in my honest work. It means when I go on vacation, I can revel in it for being a break I need.

 

Do you need to stop having sex? Only you can answer that. What's certain is you need to stop having sex for the wrong reasons and for the wrong motivations.

[purplesorrow]

I think I can stop talking to him. I could just block the number. There's a few reasons I haven't, the first being that I like the attention (we talked about that) but the second is that if I sleep with him then my number doesn't get higher. I don't want to be slutty because guys REALLY won't date me you know? I know I need to just wait for someone but you don't understand, the waiting is killing me. I am tired of waiting. I mean I talk to other guys it's not like my focus is just him. Idk working on myself is possible I can totally do it. I just don't want to stop dating while I do it. I feel like I am going to be wasting my life.

 

So here is my idea and I need an opinion about it, maybe for the rest of the semester (my semester ends in early Dec) I can get off the dating websites. I can't cancel the dates I already have because that would be rude. But I can get off the sites and just focus on school but then once Christmas break starts Im going full force on every site lol like paid and free. I mean it's better than nothing. I don't know how I will increase the "self love" during that time. I have a self esteem activity book I can read I guess. This process just seems so hard. I feel like this skill should have just come. Idk I just know going another major holiday alone is not worth it to me. I think I only really have the best 2 years while I am in school, school is the perfect place to meet someone (unfortunately not in my program) but once I get out in the working world then what? I won't have time for bars, all my friends will be settled. It gives me anxiety thinking about it. I also don't want to rush and then be in a bad situation especially with kids. So it's lose lose, I could rush get married pop out munchkins and be divorced and single, or wait for someone who could possibly never come and be miserable. I know someone on here said we have control over our own happiness but I don't. I can't help my physical reaction and anger when someone my age gets married. It's just getting worse I just need to at least get into a relationship. I think I can make any relationship good. I would try so hard. I swear.

 

You're still trying to bypass the work you need to do on yourself. Some of your responses make me think that will take way longer than the 3 months you are suggesting. Learn to live and enjoy life, make sure you can offer all of the qualities of a good partner. This is not an area where you should take short cuts.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

You're still trying to bypass the work you need to do on yourself. Some of your responses make me think that will take way longer than the 3 months you are suggesting. Learn to live and enjoy life, make sure you can offer all of the qualities of a good partner. This is not an area where you should take short cuts.

 

Do you think I can make it an enjoyable time? My big thing is I feel like I am going to be miserable the whole time. What if I do it and work on myself and all that and still don't find anyone?