evie c Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 I started an affair with him over four years ago. He was living with a woman and it had gone wrong after about 5 years. I've just been dumped, by facebook message. He's been full of 'thanks for everything, you touched all the right spots, we've had fun, thanks for keeping it a secret etc etc etc'. Basically - after over four years I've been dumped as he 'can't hack it any more'. It's not because of her - he says he's going to leave her as well. I suppose if it had been done nicely... but it wasn't. I miss him, I'm on my knees with the pain. Only 2 of my friends ever knew, so it's been a secret from everyone else for all these years. I hate him. I want to make it public and tell everyone what a bastard he is. I realise I shouldn't do anything to hurt her - but if he's going to leave her anyway, shouldn't she know about him? I need help, big time. Someone please help me. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 So sorry you are hurting Evie. Sounds like he is done with the affair. Even if this were not an affair you would be hurt by being dumped by him in this manner but the secrecy of the affair probably does make it more painful. After 4 years what was the expectation? Had he promised to leave his gf for you? What were his reasons for cheating for 4 years instead of just leaving his gf? It's up to you to decide if you want to expose the affair now. I come down on the side that says it's always for the best to have the truth come out even if that truth initially hurts and even if the person who finally tells the truth is doing it to be hurtful. However it is an individual choice and you should make whatever choice feels right to you. Do you believe him when he says he is going to leave his gf too? Could he just be saying that to soften the blow of the break up with you or to keep you from telling his gf in revenge? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mycatsnuggles Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 I'm sorry how was he so horrible to you. He has informed you he wants to end a relationship. He didn't slink off and ignore your messages. He acknowledges it was good but he can no longer continue to be a part of. What to you would be a food way to end? In person? Would never work you'd fall beck into his arms. He was kind in his words and definite that the relationship is over. I'm sorry to tell you in an affair this is the best likely outcome. If your looking for revenge, tell the gf because this is what your really looking for. If you cared for him be the bigger person move on let him get his own house in order withou the added pain you could provide. I feel you pain. Sucks ending a relationship when you still have feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Learn from this experience that being used for sex by someone else's partner does not usually end well and move on with your life. I know you probably think your relationship as the other woman was different but most end the same you with him still with her and you out in the cold.! Be smart and next time you become involved with someone make sure your brains overwhelm your hormones 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WrinkledForehead Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 I'm so sorry for your pain. What do you have to gain from telling her? Your reaction of wanting to tell screams that you're hurt and want someone else to hurt... But do you really need to take it out on another person? She did nothing to you. He did. Projecting your anger is of little benefit. You have the opportunity now to walk away and wash your hands clean. You made a decision to be with a married person and now you are facing the fallout. Do not forget she is innocent, and she is the one you've been hurting this whole time. She did nothing to you. I understand you're trying to hurt him by telling, but will it really matter that much when he's leaving anyways? Are you willing to expose yourself and have your friends and family view you as a harlot? Take a few days and let your emotions calm before you make such an intense decision. Please take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 So sorry for your pain. Been there, and have had nights where I begged God for his mercy and to take me home while I slept, I didn't want to be here anymore. But, he didn't. You will get through this. Read this board and you will see plenty have been through it, and learn. One thing. He may be back. My MM of 3 years would break it off every three months or so, it was a cycle, I got to where I could watch the calendar and be ready. Then, in a couple of weeks, he'd want to see me again. The best advice I can offer you is IF he calls you, do not go back. It will not change things and you will experience more pain. If you block his number etc., it will give you a feeling of power and strength, and as well, you won't be sitting around wondering if he is going to call. You won't know if he's tried because he's blocked. Good luck and take care. Please let us know how you are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Not sure here. What was your expectations for this A. Did you want him to leave to be with you? Did you want it to continue to be just an A? What did he want? Did you both plan on being together exclusively? You must have talked about these things when together. And YES, tell her, she is a human being with feelings and a life. She deserves to know the truth of what her life really is based on. Only you can do that for her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 I started an affair with him over four years ago. He was living with a woman and it had gone wrong after about 5 years. I've just been dumped, by facebook message. He's been full of 'thanks for everything, you touched all the right spots, we've had fun, thanks for keeping it a secret etc etc etc'. Basically - after over four years I've been dumped as he 'can't hack it any more'. It's not because of her - he says he's going to leave her as well. I suppose if it had been done nicely... but it wasn't. I miss him, I'm on my knees with the pain. Only 2 of my friends ever knew, so it's been a secret from everyone else for all these years. I hate him. I want to make it public and tell everyone what a bastard he is. I realise I shouldn't do anything to hurt her - but if he's going to leave her anyway, shouldn't she know about him? I need help, big time. Someone please help me. Affairs aren't forever. They have an expiry date and unfortunately yours has come. He certainly is a wimp by ending it the way he did, he didn't want to face you and have to deal with your reaction and pain. It sucks and you're hurting. And I hope you can move past this, get some counseling if need be, grieve the loss and move on with your life. Think hard about exposing him to everybody. It's one thing to tell his wife, it's another to 'out' him to the rest. People view OW (or OM) differently and tend to put a lot more blame on the person who knowingly gets involved with someone else who is married, like you should know better... If you tell his wife, own your part in all this, don't put all the blame on him. Apologize for helping betray her. She is the victim here, not you or him. You were a willing partner in crime by having the affair. MM LIE. It's doubtful his marriage is half as bad as he's made it out to be. Most lies/omitting truths IS done for manipulation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 OP, sorry you're hurting. I would say what a cowardly way to end a relationship, but what more is a man dishonestly seeing two women at the same time but a coward? Leave it be. Don't tell her. You will hear very hurtful things from him that will take a long, long time to forget. Block him everywhere and move on. My bet is he's not done with the GF. Link to post Share on other sites
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