For 40-somethings that don't have kids and don't want kids

[irc333]

One thing about being in your 40s, I mostly find myself dating single parents, though it would be a plus to find a 40-something woman without kids, but, guess what...they typically WANT kids...even at that age.

 

I prefer to date single parents with older children. Like on POF 18+ or just someone who can actually use a microwave or has their own drivers license and doesn't require a diaper change or a stroller.

 

But its kind of like a Catch 22.

 

Date a 40-something year old that WANTS kids (I don't want to have children)

Date a single parent with kids old enough to take care of themselves and as far as dating single a mother, it's likely I won't be marrying her...just dating her.

 

I am single and have no kids and don't want children, but open to dating single parents whose kids that are older

 

(Even seen single parents with older kids requiring that others don't have younger kids).

 

For those in this situation. Don't have kids, and don't want kids, has this been a dilemma for you in dating?

[GemmaUK]

No it hasn't really.

 

I don't have children and certainly don't want them now at my age.

 

Having dated men with and without children though I would rather date a man who has children as I tend to find them less self absorbed, more secure in themselves and having that much more life experience.

 

But I am open to dating those with or without.

[irc333]

No it hasn't really.

 

I don't have children and certainly don't want them now at my age.

 

Having dated men with and without children though I would rather date a man who has children as I tend to find them less self absorbed, more secure in themselves and having that much more life experience.

 

But I am open to dating those with or without.

 

Yeah, same here. Opened to both. Recently come across a 48 year old woman with a 5 year old. An oops baby. (Had it while she was in a relationship, not a marriage.)

 

Shes pretty much grounded on the alternating weekends. She had her kid a 42 obviously, but most women in their late 40's typically have kids already in college.

[CarrieT]

I dunno...

 

I was like you when I was doing the online dating except that I was 40-something woman who never had kids and didn't want them to the extent that I wouldn't date men who had children. My goal was the find someone in their 50s who had had their children young with the hope that their kids would be out of high-school and into college.

 

It never really worked well and I finally gave up and agreed to date a guy with pre-teens and teenagers. To this day, I'm not sure why I agreed to date him considering I was so steadfast against kids before. Possibly because he stated in his OLD profile that he had a nanny for them and wasn't looking for a stepmom.

 

Shocked the heck out of me how much I liked his kids - and they liked me - considering my anti-kid stance for my entire life.

 

At 50, I am still okay with not having had my own children, although my now-husband often says HE wishes I had been the mother of his kids and not his ex.

[irc333]

 

At 50, I am still okay with not having had my own children, although my now-husband often says HE wishes I had been the mother of his kids and not his ex.

 

Aw, that is kind of heartwarming.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Yes, you're right. I'm at that age, and I know a tremendous rash of women who had kids from age 35-40 or so.

 

Like maybe 10 of them. Seriously.

 

And when I say rash, I mean women having a child with a guy when they had previously been dating for like a few months or a year tops. Getting pregnant before even getting married or partnered.

 

At this point, there are not too many women who don't have children. And it shocked me. Some more bohemian/liberal women that I thought might never had children did exactly that.

 

I still prefer women without children, but I have found that women with children are bar none less picky about the shallow things and more likely to give guys a chance. I think children changes a lot of women and brings them down to Earth. I have even found that women with children are less picky about a man's income, which goes against all logic, but somehow, it is.

Edited October 19, 2014 by JuneJulySeptember

[irc333]

 

I still prefer women without children, but I have found that women with children are bar none less picky about the shallow things and more likely to give guys a chance. I think children changes a lot of women and brings them down to Earth. I have even found that women with children are less picky about a man's income, which goes against all logic, but somehow, it is.

 

Good point, though, you have the freedom to spontaneously do anything with a childless, never married 40-something...including intimate moments, I notice they tend to be rather rigid, proclaim that independent women like themselves intimidate men, but its really their overall attitude.

 

I recall a woman kind of like this, though not as rigid, lived in a town probably 30 mins drive from me. You could say she was a "fish out of water" in her area as she was the ONLY single, never married and rather attractive woman in town.

 

Her entire set of siblings married, with children and she's a spinster GREAT Aunt. (Her sisters married young, and thus making her a great aunt so early, lol)

 

I liked chatting with her, real nice woman. Biked the backwoods trail with friends mtn biking group and did the once a week get together with the group. She had this one FWB thing going on with a non-commital guy in the group...and then later wound up on POF.

 

 

She's mid 40's, never married, no kids, works for her mother at an independent insurance company. Owns her own home, been in that profession since her early 20s and never left...so its definate job security.

 

Problem was is she broke off two engagements, apparently these men were stopping by her home more frequently than she would like and were kind of wanting to her to skip a weekend of events with her friends as they were weekend LONG events.

 

She became SO accustomed to her singles routine, she didn't want to give it up and him stopping by her home all too frequently (at least all to freqently in her eyes), was a problem for her.

 

She called off the engagement and went back to her FWB...she said she was going to attempt something serious with her FWB, but never heard a follow-up after that.

 

She was non-commital, and that's VERY unusual for living in a small town where everyone married young. I think she went off to college, came back in her early 20's wall her sisters got married at 18. LOL

 

 

But just saying , she was too selfish to give up some of the things that a person would have to give up if they were to get married.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

She became SO accustomed to her singles routine, she didn't want to give it up and him stopping by her home all too frequently (at least all to freqently in her eyes), was a problem for her.

 

She called off the engagement and went back to her FWB...she said she was going to attempt something serious with her FWB, but never heard a follow-up after that.

 

She was non-commital, and that's VERY unusual for living in a small town where everyone married young. I think she went off to college, came back in her early 20's wall her sisters got married at 18. LOL

 

 

But just saying , she was too selfish to give up some of the things that a person would have to give up if they were to get married.

 

At that point in life, you are going to have trouble filling your social calendar, because everybody is married with kids. The social events become centered around the children, and I assume you are aware those events are L.A.M.E if you don't have children.

 

So, if you are focused on your social life, it makes sense to HAVE a husband and kids. I do believe the women I referenced in my 1st post had children partially for that reason. It's the primary 'social path' so to speak.

[xxoo]

I'm reading judgments of women who chose to have children young, judgments of women who chose to have children in late 30s/40s, and judgments of women who chose never to have children.

 

How does the ideal woman handle her reproduction and relationship choices?

[JuneJulySeptember]

I'm reading judgments of women who chose to have children young, judgments of women who chose to have children in late 30s/40s, and judgments of women who chose never to have children.

 

How does the ideal woman handle her reproduction and relationship choices?

 

What judgements?

 

I said women I know close to 40 were desperate to have a child, so they settled for the best guy available. I don't see anything wrong with that. Those women love their children more than anything in the world, so it's probably a better situation than waiting for the perfect guy to reproduce with, no matter what happens with them and the other guy.

 

Life is not clean, it's messy.

[irc333]

What judgements?

 

I said women I know close to 40 were desperate to have a child, so they settled for the best guy available. I don't see anything wrong with that. Those women love their children more than anything in the world, so it's probably a better situation than waiting for the perfect guy to reproduce with, no matter what happens with them and the other guy.

 

Life is not clean, it's messy.

 

Agreed, what judgments? We're just bringing topical information up of what one may have to adapt to or or find the advantages of or disadvantages of the situation when it comes to dating.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Agreed, what judgments? We're just bringing topical information up of what one may have to adapt to or or find the advantages of or disadvantages of the situation when it comes to dating.

 

Exactly.

 

I wouldn't have mentioned it 4-5 years ago because I hadn't seen the rash happen yet. But it sure did happen.

 

Apparently, if you have your first biological child after 40, there can be a lot of major problems.

 

In terms of dating, I think a woman with one child might be ideal. That way, you know she's not desperate to have a child, and at the same time, the responsibilities of her children are not overwhelming.

 

In time, that child might grow to respect you as a mentor if things worked out, and there might be room for another if you changed your mind.

[xxoo]

Agreed, what judgments? We're just bringing topical information up of what one may have to adapt to or or find the advantages of or disadvantages of the situation when it comes to dating.

 

What would the ideal woman look like, with regard to reproduction? It seems you want a 40 something with no kids/not wanting kids, but then those women are characterized as selfish.

 

People who strongly enjoy freedom and independence may be less likely to marry and have kids. Why is that "too selfish"? She may be a very selfless person when helping friends, family, and community, and just not desire the world of marriage and children.

[GemmaUK]

Good point, though, you have the freedom to spontaneously do anything with a childless, never married 40-something...including intimate moments, I notice they tend to be rather rigid, proclaim that independent women like themselves intimidate men, but its really their overall attitude.

 

I recall a woman kind of like this, though not as rigid, lived in a town probably 30 mins drive from me. You could say she was a "fish out of water" in her area as she was the ONLY single, never married and rather attractive woman in town.

 

Her entire set of siblings married, with children and she's a spinster GREAT Aunt. (Her sisters married young, and thus making her a great aunt so early, lol)

 

I liked chatting with her, real nice woman. Biked the backwoods trail with friends mtn biking group and did the once a week get together with the group. She had this one FWB thing going on with a non-commital guy in the group...and then later wound up on POF.

 

 

She's mid 40's, never married, no kids, works for her mother at an independent insurance company. Owns her own home, been in that profession since her early 20s and never left...so its definate job security.

 

Problem was is she broke off two engagements, apparently these men were stopping by her home more frequently than she would like and were kind of wanting to her to skip a weekend of events with her friends as they were weekend LONG events.

 

She became SO accustomed to her singles routine, she didn't want to give it up and him stopping by her home all too frequently (at least all to freqently in her eyes), was a problem for her.

 

She called off the engagement and went back to her FWB...she said she was going to attempt something serious with her FWB, but never heard a follow-up after that.

 

She was non-commital, and that's VERY unusual for living in a small town where everyone married young. I think she went off to college, came back in her early 20's wall her sisters got married at 18. LOL

 

 

But just saying , she was too selfish to give up some of the things that a person would have to give up if they were to get married.

 

I guess I don't understand why a person is obliged to cancel weekend plans that they already have arranged just because they are dating someone.

 

I would never expect a man to do this.

Why should a woman do it?

 

I've had issues with the 'too often' thing as well only mine was too much texting and calling and another guy who wanted to basically live at my house except for the one evening a week he saw his children.

When you've just started seeing someone I don't see any reason to live in each others pockets. That is moving the RS way too fast and it'll fizzle efore it really goes anywhere.

[Emilia]

For those in this situation. Don't have kids, and don't want kids, has this been a dilemma for you in dating?

Yes this has been a dilemma. I've never wanted to have kids. I'm 42 and I think some guys still assume that I might despite the fact that I'm very clear from the start that it's not for me (broke up with men over this in the past).

 

I don't think I'm open to dating men with children either. I used to think so but have always managed to avoid it. I just don't care for all the drama it brings, with the ex-wife/exgf who looks after the kids when/using my resources I worked hard for to bring up other people's kids (isn't that what my tax is for? ) , etc.

 

So yeah, at my age it's a problem. This is why I tend to date younger.

[bathtub-row]

The only thing I would add to this is that I don't think you should even date women with small children. It's not fair to the single mom if she doesn't know she's dating someone who never intends to further the relationship, all because of a reason she has no control over. Most women don't date just for the sake of dating, particularly single moms. They usually think it will lead to a long-term relationship if the two you get along, fall in love, etc. Also, if you do date a single mom, please do NOT get involved with her children.

[irc333]

I guess I don't understand why a person is obliged to cancel weekend plans that they already have arranged just because they are dating someone.

 

I would never expect a man to do this.

Why should a woman do it?

 

I've had issues with the 'too often' thing as well only mine was too much texting and calling and another guy who wanted to basically live at my house except for the one evening a week he saw his children.

When you've just started seeing someone I don't see any reason to live in each others pockets. That is moving the RS way too fast and it'll fizzle efore it really goes anywhere.

 

 

Not sure if I clarified, but you said...in your situation, "When you JUST STARTED seeing someone."

 

The woman I'm speaking of was in a long term, established relationship of a few years...

This was a different situation. I mean...she's engaged to be married to this man, she's going to have to get used to him actually LIVING in the house.

 

This was a problem for her regardless having had dated him for a good long time. She admitted this was a problem, and also admitted to trying to improve herself in this dept.

 

Apparently, she's not the marrying type.

[JuneJulySeptember]

The only thing I would add to this is that I don't think you should even date women with small children. It's not fair to the single mom if she doesn't know she's dating someone who never intends to further the relationship, all because of a reason she has no control over. Most women don't date just for the sake of dating, particularly single moms. They usually think it will lead to a long-term relationship if the two you get along, fall in love, etc. Also, if you do date a single mom, please do NOT get involved with her children.

 

Again. Ideally.

 

But in practice, things work a lot different.

 

A guy who dates a single mother but does not end up marrying her could possibly take her out and do things for her when her ex husband is a total d@uche. Maybe even buy things for the kids. Even after they break up, he could be a good friend and help her out when she needs it, and show her fun times, even if they are not together.

 

Does this sort of thing happen? Hmmm.

 

Again, life is not clean and exact. If it were, then she'd still be with the first guy. Dating is not always an endgame. It can be part of cumulative life experiences.

[irc333]

Again. Ideally.

 

But in practice, things work a lot different.

 

A guy who dates a single mother but does not end up marrying her could possibly take her out and do things for her when her ex husband is a total d@uche. Maybe even buy things for the kids. Even after they break up, he could be a good friend and help her out when she needs it, and show her fun times, even if they are not together.

 

Does this sort of thing happen? Hmmm.

 

Again, life is not clean and exact. If it were, then she'd still be with the first guy. Dating is not always an endgame. It can be part of cumulative life experiences.

 

Right, I mean, think about it, marrying someone with kids would mean having to live under the same roof as them, which is a lifestyle I wouldn't necessarily be into.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Right, I mean, think about it, marrying someone with kids would mean having to live under the same roof as them, which is a lifestyle I wouldn't necessarily be into.

 

An interesting question to me is, if you are SURE you do not want children, how does that change the dynamic of dating for you?

 

Things are different. Timetables and biological clocks are thrown out the window. How much your mate makes doesn't mean as much because you'll have no child to take care of.

 

If I were a woman in that situation, then I would just date any guy and see where it goes. At that point, dating is kind of like life experiences, like trips, since you are under no pressure or time constraints.

 

Ironically, I have found that women who do not want children are pickier than women who have multiple kids.

[The Like Fairy]

Right, I mean, think about it, marrying someone with kids would mean having to live under the same roof as them, which is a lifestyle I wouldn't necessarily be into.

 

If it's not your cup of tea don't waste a minute of time dating single Mothers.

[GemmaUK]

Not sure if I clarified, but you said...in your situation, "When you JUST STARTED seeing someone."

 

The woman I'm speaking of was in a long term, established relationship of a few years...

This was a different situation. I mean...she's engaged to be married to this man, she's going to have to get used to him actually LIVING in the house.

 

This was a problem for her regardless having had dated him for a good long time. She admitted this was a problem, and also admitted to trying to improve herself in this dept.

 

Apparently, she's not the marrying type.

 

Maybe she is, maybe she isn't, maybe he was actually just pushing things too fast for her and it added up into pressure and just scared her off!

 

This is what I find with men with no children in their forties - those I have met so far appear to think a relationship is some kind of a 'solve all' in terms of company and happiness.

Like a RS is going to be the thing that makes them and keeps them happy.

 

Guys who have children appear way more relaxed (in general - aside from the guy who wanted to move in with me - he is a known fruitloop by many I have since learned! ) about dating and know that the person they are dating needs time and space just like they do.

 

Guys who have life experience and have learned from it are the same..they know that 'good things come to those who wait' .

 

I know so many guys my age who act like they did in their teens/twenties pretty much, they might have a job but it's a job and they don't really know how to bond with people nor look after themselves, nor take responsibility for themselves.

A woman my age really doesn't want to become a second mum to a 40+ man who can't use an iron or cook a good meal aside from standard spag bol while leaving the kitchen in a heap!

[xxoo]

Ironically, I have found that women who do not want children are pickier than women who have multiple kids.

 

Why is that ironic? People who have multiple kids are probably laid back, like lots of chaos, etc. Take life as it comes; let go of control. True fact: you can't pick your kids' personalities. You have to roll with it.

 

People who've reached the age of 40 without a spouse or kids have, and likely enjoy, a lot of control over their life and the people in it. It makes sense to me that they'd be very picky about who gets their time and attention, especially since they may enjoy their peace a quiet alone just fine.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

This is what I find with men with no children in their forties - those I have met so far appear to think a relationship is some kind of a 'solve all' in terms of company and happiness.

Like a RS is going to be the thing that makes them and keeps them happy.

 

 

I think you are right on about that. I think the reason is because their social network and activities they are used to (guys/hitting on women/beer/sports/outdoor activities, etc) have dissipated so, even though they don't want kids they think a serious relationship will fill that gap. Even if they can just laid and have flings on a somewhat regular basis at that age, it doesn't fill the gap enough.

 

Women at 40 are more likely to think a child/family will fill that gap, and I don't necessarily think they are wrong. The women I know like that are very shrewd and responsible, and a child is a responsibility that will keep them occupied for many, many years, with somebody by their side or not.

[xxoo]

I think you are right on about that. I think the reason is because their social network and activities they are used to (guys/hitting on women/beer/sports/outdoor activities, etc) have dissipated so, even though they don't want kids they think a serious relationship will fill that gap. Even if they can just laid and have flings on a somewhat regular basis at that age, it doesn't fill the gap enough.

 

Women at 40 are more likely to think a child/family will fill that gap, and I don't necessarily think they are wrong. The women I know like that are very shrewd and responsible, and a child is a responsibility that will keep them occupied for many, many years, with somebody by their side or not.

 

I actually think women at 40 without kids are less likely to have that gap, thus they are viewed as "selfish" and not wanting to sacrifice their active social life with friends to make room for a boyfriend.