nahalem Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Ages: Both 23 Married: 6 months Relationship: 5 years Summary: I love my wife as a best friend, but seem to have lost all feelings of romantic attraction. Physically, it shames me to say, but I am repulsed. I have almost zero interest in sex, cuddling makes me skittish - there's nothing that draws me to her. I suspect this is how closted gay man in hetero relationships feel! I cannot express how much she means to me, but I am unable to love her as a husband, and the depression and guilt is tormenting me. We got married six months ago. I stuffed my panic and feelings of wrongness deep down, and went ahead with it. She was so excited and happy - I was desperate to avoid hurting her. I cannot express enough how much I care for her and her family. They are wonderful people. She loves me completely, and has always seen such a happy future for us. I wanted to believe I might come around, that I might 'snap out of it' and fully buy into her outlook on things, and so I resisted my own emotions. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that I was a coward, and didn't have the guts to break it off. For the entire duration of our relationship, I've wondered how she can be so in love, and I can be so distant and emotionally stunted. There was a lot of trauma in my youth, death and abuse and insecurity and depression. I've often felt suffocated by her love, like "Back off, give me so room, I'm not ready, I can't breath!" I build walls around myself, and don't feel ready to let anyone in, beyond the friendship/sisterly-love level. And yet I stay, with this sense that if I can just look past the physical aspect, and conquer my own skittishness (about love, and lifelong commitment in the early 20's to my first and only girlfriend) we could have a wonderful, beautiful life. I hold out for that, wanting to believe. But I'm only getting more depressed, more guilty, and more distant. It's tearing us apart. She's depressed now too, because her bastard husband isn't showing her any affection or attraction. What the **** am I supposed to do here? Why in gods name did I have to meet this person before I had some time to grow and mature? Why'd she have to friggin fall in love with me? If I leave, I'm breaking her heart and humiliating us both after 6 measily months (and hurting so many of our family in the process). But if I stay, and can't love her or find any physical attraction, I'm depressed and frustrated and increasingly angry (out of resentment). I guess there are no easy answers here. I feel like such a ****. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Have you considered getting treatment for depression? Counselling, medication, something along those lines. The trauma you have suffered needs to be dealt with before you can ever have meaningful relationships. Why wait? You seem to admit to yourself that you have this problem. The next step is to do something about it. I suggest calling your Doctor tomorrow, make an appointment and get some help. He will probably refer you to a Psychologist and perhaps prescribe some medication to help with the depression. It is the only way to really deal with the deep scars of your past. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog I suggest calling your Doctor tomorrow, make an appointment and get some help. He will probably refer you to a Psychologist and perhaps prescribe some medication to help with the depression. It is the only way to really deal with the deep scars of your past. I agree with Devildog on this. A depression screening is definately in order. You can see your medical doctor initially for this. Don't wait. You don't have to live with the emptiness and dissatisfaction of depression. There is treatment available, and patients are usually highly successful in that treatment. Be aware, however, that sometimes it takes awhile to match the right treatment with the right patient. Don't expect immediate resolution. In the meantime, you might consider what is TRULY best for your new bride. It can't be very fulfilling for her to be married to a man who has no passion for her. It would be particularly sad for her to waste her youth in a relationship where her husband has only fraternal love for her. A person can only give as much as they have. If all you have is friendship then that's all you can give. It's not enough for marriage. Imagine having children and financial commitments together. And then...say 15 or 20 years down the pike, you realize that you just can't go on living in an unfulfilling relationship. How is that going to be fair to her? If you just don't have it in you to give her the marriage that she really wants and deserves, isn't it better to end it now, rather that later? She loves you, and it will hurt her feelings terribly. But which is the greater tragedy? ....To give her the freedom to find the right partner, or to allow her to invest her life in a man who can't return her love? It's alot to sort out. I don't recommend this to many people, but possibly you might consider a temporary separation while you figure all this out. Link to post Share on other sites
Donut Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Get some counselling for your past before you do anything! Please! Perhaps your wife can join you at some point, then you can both get help whether you decide to split or stay together. Link to post Share on other sites
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