He proposed.

[Maleficent]

 

How so? Should I be okay with a visibly damaged one?

 

Not at all! I don't judge you for this but what I'm saying is I personally wouldn't put as much importance on the aspect of the ring.

But that's just me...

[Maleficent]

This is not to say that you should have accepted his proposal (I think you did the right thing both by saying no and by breaking it off altogether) but clearly the statement above is not accurate. You've obviously requested more than just to be treated with kindness, and to be loved, and respected. In fact, you had specific financial requirements and he failed to meet them.

 

Oh please. Financial standards are totally acceptable. Some have more expectations but the least you could expect from a responsible adult is to not live off his parents....

[johan]

Not at all! I don't judge you for this but what I'm saying is I personally wouldn't put as much importance on the aspect of the ring.

But that's just me...

 

I think it's important. A guy should take pride in the ring and give one that she will also be proud to wear. I don't think it needs to be ostentatious, but it should be nice and definitely not beat up. These are general statements. I don't know the specifics in this case. I never have time to read the thread.

[Maleficent]

I think it's important. A guy should take pride in the ring and give one that she will also be proud to wear. I don't think it needs to be ostentatious, but it should be nice and definitely not beat up. These are general statements. I don't know the specifics in this case. I never have time to read the thread.

 

This is clearly a 'to each his own' situation

[Phoe]

one that she will also be proud to wear. I don't think it needs to be ostentatious.

 

Yes. I was beyond proud to wear the sterling silver lab made Emerald that cost $50, because he put thought into it. He made a plan, decided on something personal to me, then went out and found it.

 

I was so thrilled with it, I never took it off and wore it until it broke.

 

This new ring had such an air of "I walked into the seedy corner shop last night and picked whatever".

 

And he told me that he expected me to say no.

 

So much wrong with this. None of it feels genuine. He used to be genuine... But not anymore.

[Mr Scorpio]

This is clearly a 'to each his own' situation

 

 

How so? You would be comfortable giving/receiving a subpar ornament to/from the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

[MissBee]

Not at all! I don't judge you for this but what I'm saying is I personally wouldn't put as much importance on the aspect of the ring.

But that's just me...

 

It's not about the ring itself as she explained, it's what a man buying a damaged ring as an engagement ring means. Like Phoe said, it showed haste, her not being worth even a minute for him to take his time etc.

 

There is a huge difference between someone being caught up in the ring as a ring and because of the ring itself and when it's being used as a symbol for something else. No one needs a ring for marriage really, but it is supposed to be symbolic of the relationship and if that's the case....a cracked blemished one in a dirty box says it all.

[Phoe]

To be fair, if the ring weren't damaged, it would be stunning.

 

A simple tiny square solitaire, on a platinum band. Simple, like me, doesn't command attention, understated.

 

I assume when he first saw it, the simplicity is what caught his eye, and made him think of me.

[SpiralOut]

I think there is more to this than wanting financial stability. This is about his lack of respect for you.

 

 

I think this situation would be different if he were actually putting effort towards meeting your requirements. He is deliberately ignoring your wishes while continue to try and get what he wants. He isn't trying very hard. If this guy were serious about wanting to be with you, he would have moved out of his mother's house before proposing to you. He would have done something to improve his situation, like gee I don't know, paying his own bills instead of "emptying his bank account" to buy you a ring when he still owes you money. I suppose he was planning to ask you to help with his other bills because he can't afford them now. If he managed his money properly, it would be okay for him to have a low income, but he mismanages his money and burdens you with it instead of finding a way to take care of himself. That's irresponsible on his part. Even if he had a high income, this would STILL be a dealbreaker because even high-income earners can be irresponsible with their money.

 

 

He is irresponsible and selfish and manipulative.

 

 

He gave you a crappy ring then told you later that he didn't expect you to say yes. I think that's more manipulation on his part - seeing how far he can push you, seeing how much disrespect you are willing to take from him. I haven't read this entire thread so I don't know if this is his usual style, but he may have been acting passive-aggressively towards you.

 

 

You did nothing wrong in saying no. You can do better than this guy. You are doing him a favour. He needs to grow up and he can't do that if you stay with him. He needs to be alone for a while and take some time to think about what happened. Maybe, with some introspection, he just might realize his mistakes and work to improve himself. Maybe not. But that won't happen for him if he stays with someone who puts up with his poor behaviour. You are doing both him and yourself a favour in the long run, even if it hurts now.

Edited October 22, 2014 by SpiralOut

[Under The Radar]

I am sorry for your hurt Phoe ......

 

 

...... But I'm happy to hear you won't be disrespected anymore.

 

 

You cannot have true love without respect and consideration.

Edited October 22, 2014 by Training Revelations

[CrystalCastles]

This is not to say that you should have accepted his proposal (I think you did the right thing both by saying no and by breaking it off altogether) but clearly the statement above is not accurate. You've obviously requested more than just to be treated with kindness, and to be loved, and respected. In fact, you had specific financial requirements and he failed to meet them.

 

Frankly, its OK to not want to marry someone who is financially insecure. A partner who is up to his neck in debts, spends his money on all the wrong things and doesn't have his priorities straight isn't marriage material. Idk if you've read Phoe's past posts, but her boyfriend would milk her for money so that he can use that to pay his debts, while spending his own money on books and other frivolities. Having standards does not make Phoe a money-grubbing gold-digger.

 

And it also falls under respect and love as well, so I see nothing wrong with what Phoe said. He didn't respect her financial situation, he didn't even respect his own. Guess what, that's not something you should do if you're planning to marry someone. Its good Phoe has expectations of what financial standing her partner should have if she were to consider marrying him.

 

Not at all! I don't judge you for this but what I'm saying is I personally wouldn't put as much importance on the aspect of the ring.

But that's just me...

 

An engagement ring isn't just a ring. Its a symbol. For a guy to go out and buy a piece of junk, that symbolizes how little he thinks of his woman.

 

And honestly, if a guy went out and bought you a ring that he meant for you to wear for the rest of your life, wouldn't you want it to be nice?! I am a minimalist too, like Phoe, and I don't need to be showered with gifts to know my man loves me. But I wouldn't be ok with a cracked ring either. Just because a person is a minimalist and has little material requirement, does not mean they should be content with receiving cheap, cracked garbage.

 

Again, engagement rings aren't about receiving expensive bling. Its about the demonstration of your man's love to you. And FTR, there are many engagement rings that are simple and relatively inexpensive. You don't need to empty your bank account to buy a nice, quality ring for your woman.

[serial muse]

To be fair, if the ring weren't damaged, it would be stunning.

 

A simple tiny square solitaire, on a platinum band. Simple, like me, doesn't command attention, understated.

 

I assume when he first saw it, the simplicity is what caught his eye, and made him think of me.

 

Even the ring, upon second glance, appeared damaged. The diamond had a large crack deep inside it, when you looked closely, and the platinum had light burn marks from the welding. It was poorly made. He started off with saying the diamond was the highest quality available.

 

This is so not the most important part of your story (hope you're holding firm by the way) but since you brought it up again here...something that struck me from the very first was this description of the ring.

 

For what it's worth if he told you it's platinum he lied. That just can't be platinum. Platinum simply wouldn't have burn marks. It's probably stainless steel. I say this not as an expert in wedding rings but as someone who knows something about geology.

 

As for the diamond - it might well have been the highest quality available to him, but diamonds simply don't crack unless they've got lots of inclusions (imperfections) in them, so no, it's definitely not a high-quality diamond.

 

Again -- and this is to the peanut gallery about to get on my case as much as to you -- I understand that the cost of the thing isn't the point, and I don't think it's the point either. I'm just saying this because it's pretty clearly another lie that he told you, and so pointless too.

[thefooloftheyear]

This is so not the most important part of your story (hope you're holding firm by the way) but since you brought it up again here...something that struck me from the very first was this description of the ring.

 

For what it's worth if he told you it's platinum he lied. That just can't be platinum. Platinum simply wouldn't have burn marks. It's probably stainless steel. I say this not as an expert in wedding rings but as someone who knows something about geology.

 

As for the diamond - it might well have been the highest quality available to him, but diamonds simply don't crack unless they've got lots of inclusions (imperfections) in them, so no, it's definitely not a high-quality diamond.

 

Again -- and this is to the peanut gallery about to get on my case as much as to you -- I understand that the cost of the thing isn't the point, and I don't think it's the point either. I'm just saying this because it's pretty clearly another lie that he told you, and so pointless too.

 

 

 

Eh...maybe he just wasnt sophisticated enough to know better...might be as simple as that...I dunno..

 

As I read this thread, some of the responses are similar to those that posted on the thread where the OP was complaining about how shytty her date's car looked..

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the OP...Her reservations are real and quite frankly, I would give a family member the same advice..There is something wrong with how the guy is viewing this...I dont know enough about the background, but I gotta believe that when you decide to cross that bridge and ask a woman to marry you, you are asking a lot. You better be prepared, as a man, to be the type of person that could be counted on at all times..heck, even if you arent the type to be the "heavy" in the relationship, you need to show the woman that you can be the heavy if needed...Thats what women want in a man, and quite honestly, some of the guys who are calling superficial are off base...Its not superficial..

 

I know its not customary anymore, but when guys used to ask the fathers of their prospective brides for "permission" to marry their daughter, the fathers really had an interest..They'd question you on what your plan was..How were you going to provide..What type of lifestyle should she expect...etc...If this guy showed up at my door looking for my permission/approval, Id tell him he wasnt ready...Not even close...and Id tell him to return the ring..

 

Sure...The game has changed...Women are empowered..Thats great...Now use this empowerment to form a great team..Instead, I see some guys just turn it around and-as a protest against feminism, perhaps- throw it back at them and call them superficial, if they ask but the bare minimum of the guy...its crazy....

 

In the end....he showed up with the rusty car, with 4 flats, an engine knock and a cracked windshield...She wasnt happy...Surprised?? Nope...

 

Best to you, OP..

 

TFY

[ascendotum]

Again -- and this is to the peanut gallery about to get on my case as much as to you -- I understand that the cost of the thing isn't the point, and I don't think it's the point either. I'm just saying this because it's pretty clearly another lie that he told you, and so pointless too.

 

..or he's clueless about jewellery and got stooged by some joker at the pawn shop, who told him it was better than it was.

[Els]

 

I know its not customary anymore, but when guys used to ask the fathers of their prospective brides for "permission" to marry their daughter, the fathers really had an interest..They'd question you on what your plan was..How were you going to provide..What type of lifestyle should she expect...etc...If this guy showed up at my door looking for my permission/approval, Id tell him he wasnt ready...Not even close...and Id tell him to return the ring..

 

Yep, this is still quite customary where I come from, among the more traditional folk. I mean, the custom itself is king of amusing to me, as it's more of a ritual than anything else nowadays - everyone knows the adult couple is going to marry if they really want to, regardless. But I can see why the parents might feel compelled to at least advise their daughter against a man with no financial stability, and it does make sense. They just want what's best for her.

 

In Phoe's case, the ring just seems like the straw that broke the camel's back, with everything else that was going on in that relationship.

[serial muse]

..or he's clueless about jewellery and got stooged by some joker at the pawn shop, who told him it was better than it was.

 

I doubt it, and I suspect you do too. Nobody who would buy such an item at a pawn shop would be so clueless as to be unaware that its origin is unknown. So to pass it off as "the best" is pretty clearly a bluff.

 

He lied. It's not the worst thing by any stretch. But it's a selfish thing to do and it's clear he doesn't get Phoe. He lied for himself, not for her. And that seems to be the kind of guy he is.

[SpiralOut]

And even if, for some reason, he didn't know that it wasn't "the best," it still means he has poor judgement and can't think logically. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know the difference between a sketchy shop and a reputable one.

[Leigh 87]

I turned down a marriage proposal recently and ended things with my ex, too.

 

It just plain hurts. Nothing we can do about it - although he hurt more than I did, I feel so awful for making him feel so low.....

 

It is not wise to have each other on social media, first of all; and with me, I recommend letting him call you when he wants, as I believe we owe it to them to talk them through things for a few weeks, they will miss us dearly and need closure and to be able to reach us.

 

That is the only advice I can give. It is tough. I am also working on improving myself as I destroy any romantic encounter that actually has true potential/with someone decent.

 

Good luck to you. Sorry you're going through this.