He had dozens of lovers and wife found out!

[DKT3]

The reason I thought he was a great guy was because he painted himself as one. I believed it. So did many. I guess we were all dumb? Most of the ones I talked to however, including his wife seemed very smart and were tricked the same

 

Oh and by the way, since you are the expert in wayward wives, you should probably be expecting me to want to cheat again? That I am just waiting for the chance to get distracted by another con man?

 

:::rollseyes:::

 

No thanks. I was in a desperate place in a desperate time and met a con man. Plain and simple.

 

The reason his wife didn't contact my husband is because she sees very clearly what happened, she and I are friends.

 

She and all of his mistresses are very similar, she is friends with all of us he preyed on people who forgive and trust.

 

Well not to break my arm patting my back, I was right about you so far. And yes I do believe you would cheat again in a heartbeat. Why? Because you feel your more important then everyone else. Your feeling are more important then everyone elses. You may love your husband in your own way but you have no respect for him.

 

You rant and rave about being lied to but have no problem lying. You play the victim in something you walked into eye open, yet you also play the victim in your marriage.

 

Cheat again? 100% sure

[whichwayisup]

I understand you're hurt and angry but your reaction to this is too much, like he was your husband and you've been with him for years and years, and he betrayed you in the worst way. It was a four month affair, mostly online, sexting and exchanging pictures... Not saying it wasn't real, obviously it was to you but to him, he didn't 'fall' for you the way you fell for him. You invested way too much.

 

Yes he conned you, manipulated etc but you went looking ... You must own your part in this and not put ALL of this on him. You chose to believe a MM, knowing his wife too.

[Redheaded Mistress]

To be more clear. I was staying politely NC for months now.

 

I was heartbroken since the breakup, he told me that he had never cheated before and that he never wanted to be with anyone else than me. He told me he loved me at the same time he was saying it to many many others.

 

You said in your other thread you knew he was flirting and possibly having relationships with other women. You ignored it.

 

I wasn't rageful until I found out that fact just two nights ago. I don't like rejection just anyone else and I came onto this forum months ago while in extreme pain, but over time I was respecting him, sad and moving on. What I do not tolerate is being lied to.

 

He didn't lie to you. You were also "rageful" before when you texted him all weekend when he told you not to... You said you were angry and did it for the reaction. So you have a history of acting rashly. It's why he rejected you before you could escalate it to a PA.

 

About his mistresses. I had no idea they existed until THEY contacted me. I in no way reached out to anyone. I didn't reach out to his wife. She contacted me. I haven't sought out one person.

 

I find it difficult-to-impossible to believe that a four month EA resulted in at least (by my count) four people contacting you for details. Especially since you implied clearly that the wife contacted you, but that you contacted at least a few more on your own.

 

When she contacted me I was telling her how much I respected her husband and that he loved her very much but then she told me what he did to so many innocent people. He lied to each and every one. He lied to me too. So I finally told her very gently what happened.

 

You said that you told her happily, with little provocation, all he did to scorn you. And if he said to them what he said to you, he's many things, but a liar about being married and not wanting to leave his wife is not one of them. He clearly told you and your bad reaction to it is what resulted in his leaving you.

 

Yes, I contacted him often in Text, but come on, there is such a thing as block. I am not at his door step he never told me to stop, so who cares. He might not be getting them, which would truly be a shame because I think he should experience be a bit or backlash for what he has done.

 

If he receives backlash, don't you think it should be from the people in actual PA's with him, long term relationships, and from his wife? Not the girl he texted for four months, never met, never saw, and ended up breaking up with because he didn't want to have a PA with her?

 

Even here, with his "he should block me," "at least I'm not at his door," "he didn't tell me to stop," "he might not be getting them," all I see is excuses and no accountability for your behavior. Texting people to aggravate them is not something most people need to be told. Saying you hope somebody who threatened to harm themselves does harm themselves, and then texting them to aggravate them further without caring for the repercussions... That's truly shocking.

 

You probably said more that I could respond to, but at this point I am skimming, it is obvious that since you are sensitive to the topic of the cheating husband topic. I mean you did marry one, so I understand you being on the side of the husband. I was there as you can see in my post. I defended him and myself to many on here I defended cheating to.

 

I'm on the side of taking the high road. I'm on the side of not pushing people who're stating they're homeless and suicidal into harming themselves. Notice I also showed a great deal of concern for you as I'm genuinely concerned about your mental health. You can deflect by insulting me, my husband, our marriage, and the start of our relationship if you want, but the fact of the matter is it's another example of you lashing out and acting brashly when you feel like you're not getting people to do what you want or agree with you. It's what you did to your exMM during the affair, it's what you did to his wife when you spilled what limited info you had, and it's what you're doing to him now.

 

If you'd like to discuss my marriage, I'd be happy to do so. However, that's not the point of this thread.

 

But, just because you are sensitive to this, doesn't change a narcissist into an empathetic human. A liar into an honest one. Not does it make my pain and anger resulting from it, any less valid.

 

Carry on.

 

I'm sensitive to what I see is a woman in a self-destructive spiral who seems to not only enjoy it, but rejoice it and celebrates when she can bring down as many people with her as possible. It's alarming. So he's a liar (though he's not, he was honest with you by your own story), so he's a cheater, so he had an affair, so he he chose to have serious affairs with others but still he dumped you, so he gave to other women what you clearly wanted and you're upset about it. It doesn't excuse your behavior towards him, his wife, yourself, and the other women you're reaching out to. You can be angry, you can be hurt, but you have to realize... You had a four month EA with him and he dumped you. He did much more than that with more people, probably for longer. And he did all of that with a disregard for the pain he was causing his wife... So in the hierarchy of things going on here, these relationships, the people who were betrayed, his wife's issues and betrayal on her... You are small potatoes and a minor player in this drama that is this man's wife's life. You were the almost-fling that was too clingy for the guy sleeping with anybody. You were in and out of his life. You never even met him. So most of this has absolutely nothing to do with you.... Making your rage and behavior totally misplaced and not just a little crazy...

 

Especially since, by your own story and admission (including your many versions of this story), you were the only one he was apparently honest with. He said he wasn't leaving. He didn't want a relationship. He wasn't going to have an open relationship. And he didn't. He told you the 100% truth on that one.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Your first thread about this says that you knew he was married and trying to talk to his wife about having an open marriage. And confused, whatever it was that happened between you two, you put much more into it than he did. It hurts and it sucks, but fact remains, you have your own husband at home that you are (or were) having issues with - You chose to go outside of your marriage, just like MM did to his wife.

 

Does your H know about this affair and what happened? Did your H ever go outside of the marriage after you discussed it with him?

 

We discussed opening the marriage before I slept with married man and then the contact ended shortly after. So I didn't have a chance to fully discuss it, I was on my way to doing so.

 

As all should know, sometimes love is complicated. I was in a semi abusive dynamic with my current husband (he called me fat, he was using drugs bla bla bla) I still loved the hell out of him, didn't want it to end, but I was starving for love. I was starving for sex. I was desperately unhappy and in swoops married man. Friend at first, then small flirtation and rolling down a hill quicker than I could blink into sex talk. I wasn't looking for it and only now when I am outward looking in does it all line up. And I found out that the same methods he used on me he used on many. It was a calculated fool proof method had words on insecure women and that was me 100% at the time.

[whichwayisup]

I feel badly that I have to keep the fact that I was considering someone else when I suggested we open the marriage, but since I never actually slept with the guy and we never opened it, nor do I have a desire to do so ever again, we are in counseling and working on the problems that lead us there to begin with, my counselor has told me specifically to NOT tell AND I have no desire to actually hurt my husband uselessly, again, no.

 

The marriage counselor said this, or your one on one therapist? I assume you're not using the same person, your counseling and marriage counseling?

 

MOST marriage counselors want confession of an affair. Most do not try to hide it and details...Hard to rebuild a marriage without all the facts and knowledge and it's unfair/leading your husband on a path without all the information.

 

Since it mostly "online" why not spill it all? You physically didn't have sex, you didn't meet up in hotel rooms for 4 months.

 

If you don't tell, you're fixing your marriage based on hiding a big lie.

[DKT3]

You said in your other thread you knew he was flirting and possibly having relationships with other women. You ignored it.

 

 

 

He didn't lie to you. You were also "rageful" before when you texted him all weekend when he told you not to... You said you were angry and did it for the reaction. So you have a history of acting rashly. It's why he rejected you before you could escalate it to a PA.

 

 

 

I find it difficult-to-impossible to believe that a four month EA resulted in at least (by my count) four people contacting you for details. Especially since you implied clearly that the wife contacted you, but that you contacted at least a few more on your own.

 

 

 

You said that you told her happily, with little provocation, all he did to scorn you. And if he said to them what he said to you, he's many things, but a liar about being married and not wanting to leave his wife is not one of them. He clearly told you and your bad reaction to it is what resulted in his leaving you.

 

 

 

If he receives backlash, don't you think it should be from the people in actual PA's with him, long term relationships, and from his wife? Not the girl he texted for four months, never met, never saw, and ended up breaking up with because he didn't want to have a PA with her?

 

Even here, with his "he should block me," "at least I'm not at his door," "he didn't tell me to stop," "he might not be getting them," all I see is excuses and no accountability for your behavior. Texting people to aggravate them is not something most people need to be told. Saying you hope somebody who threatened to harm themselves does harm themselves, and then texting them to aggravate them further without caring for the repercussions... That's truly shocking.

 

 

 

I'm on the side of taking the high road. I'm on the side of not pushing people who're stating they're homeless and suicidal into harming themselves. Notice I also showed a great deal of concern for you as I'm genuinely concerned about your mental health. You can deflect by insulting me, my husband, our marriage, and the start of our relationship if you want, but the fact of the matter is it's another example of you lashing out and acting brashly when you feel like you're not getting people to do what you want or agree with you. It's what you did to your exMM during the affair, it's what you did to his wife when you spilled what limited info you had, and it's what you're doing to him now.

 

If you'd like to discuss my marriage, I'd be happy to do so. However, that's not the point of this thread.

 

 

 

I'm sensitive to what I see is a woman in a self-destructive spiral who seems to not only enjoy it, but rejoice it and celebrates when she can bring down as many people with her as possible. It's alarming. So he's a liar (though he's not, he was honest with you by your own story), so he's a cheater, so he had an affair, so he he chose to have serious affairs with others but still he dumped you, so he gave to other women what you clearly wanted and you're upset about it. It doesn't excuse your behavior towards him, his wife, yourself, and the other women you're reaching out to. You can be angry, you can be hurt, but you have to realize... You had a four month EA with him and he dumped you. He did much more than that with more people, probably for longer. And he did all of that with a disregard for the pain he was causing his wife... So in the hierarchy of things going on here, these relationships, the people who were betrayed, his wife's issues and betrayal on her... You are small potatoes and a minor player in this drama that is this man's wife's life. You were the almost-fling that was too clingy for the guy sleeping with anybody. You were in and out of his life. You never even met him. So most of this has absolutely nothing to do with you.... Making your rage and behavior totally misplaced and not just a little crazy...

 

Especially since, by your own story and admission (including your many versions of this story), you were the only one he was apparently honest with. He said he wasn't leaving. He didn't want a relationship. He wasn't going to have an open relationship. And he didn't. He told you the 100% truth on that one.

 

Just let it go. Her story has changed a lot.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

You said in your other thread you knew he was flirting and possibly having relationships with other women. You ignored it.

 

 

 

He didn't lie to you. You were also "rageful" before when you texted him all weekend when he told you not to... You said you were angry and did it for the reaction. So you have a history of acting rashly. It's why he rejected you before you could escalate it to a PA.

 

 

 

I find it difficult-to-impossible to believe that a four month EA resulted in at least (by my count) four people contacting you for details. Especially since you implied clearly that the wife contacted you, but that you contacted at least a few more on your own.

 

 

 

You said that you told her happily, with little provocation, all he did to scorn you. And if he said to them what he said to you, he's many things, but a liar about being married and not wanting to leave his wife is not one of them. He clearly told you and your bad reaction to it is what resulted in his leaving you.

 

 

 

If he receives backlash, don't you think it should be from the people in actual PA's with him, long term relationships, and from his wife? Not the girl he texted for four months, never met, never saw, and ended up breaking up with because he didn't want to have a PA with her?

 

Even here, with his "he should block me," "at least I'm not at his door," "he didn't tell me to stop," "he might not be getting them," all I see is excuses and no accountability for your behavior. Texting people to aggravate them is not something most people need to be told. Saying you hope somebody who threatened to harm themselves does harm themselves, and then texting them to aggravate them further without caring for the repercussions... That's truly shocking.

 

 

 

I'm on the side of taking the high road. I'm on the side of not pushing people who're stating they're homeless and suicidal into harming themselves. Notice I also showed a great deal of concern for you as I'm genuinely concerned about your mental health. You can deflect by insulting me, my husband, our marriage, and the start of our relationship if you want, but the fact of the matter is it's another example of you lashing out and acting brashly when you feel like you're not getting people to do what you want or agree with you. It's what you did to your exMM during the affair, it's what you did to his wife when you spilled what limited info you had, and it's what you're doing to him now.

 

If you'd like to discuss my marriage, I'd be happy to do so. However, that's not the point of this thread.

 

 

 

I'm sensitive to what I see is a woman in a self-destructive spiral who seems to not only enjoy it, but rejoice it and celebrates when she can bring down as many people with her as possible. It's alarming. So he's a liar (though he's not, he was honest with you by your own story), so he's a cheater, so he had an affair, so he he chose to have serious affairs with others but still he dumped you, so he gave to other women what you clearly wanted and you're upset about it. It doesn't excuse your behavior towards him, his wife, yourself, and the other women you're reaching out to. You can be angry, you can be hurt, but you have to realize... You had a four month EA with him and he dumped you. He did much more than that with more people, probably for longer. And he did all of that with a disregard for the pain he was causing his wife... So in the hierarchy of things going on here, these relationships, the people who were betrayed, his wife's issues and betrayal on her... You are small potatoes and a minor player in this drama that is this man's wife's life. You were the almost-fling that was too clingy for the guy sleeping with anybody. You were in and out of his life. You never even met him. So most of this has absolutely nothing to do with you.... Making your rage and behavior totally misplaced and not just a little crazy...

 

Especially since, by your own story and admission (including your many versions of this story), you were the only one he was apparently honest with. He said he wasn't leaving. He didn't want a relationship. He wasn't going to have an open relationship. And he didn't. He told you the 100% truth on that one.

 

I can't even begin to address this much text.

 

You judge my investment in someone who I talked to non stop for four months, exposed my vulnerabilities to and fell in love with and yet you invest so much critical text to me, someone you started talking to about five minutes ago.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

The marriage counselor said this, or your one on one therapist? I assume you're not using the same person, your counseling and marriage counseling?

 

MOST marriage counselors want confession of an affair. Most do not try to hide it and details...Hard to rebuild a marriage without all the facts and knowledge and it's unfair/leading your husband on a path without all the information.

 

Since it mostly "online" why not spill it all? You physically didn't have sex, you didn't meet up in hotel rooms for 4 months.

 

If you don't tell, you're fixing your marriage based on hiding a big lie.

 

What? A big lie? Our entire faithful marriage was based on a lie because of me going astray for 4 months. Hmmm that is melodramatic.

 

Yes, same counselor.

 

But you know? I need more proof that "most" marriage counselors suggest that. I have searched hi and low on this topic and I see that some do and some don't. There is a very popular Times article that says you absolutely should not.

 

But you are right? I didn't sleep with the guy.

 

I may come clean, but it would be selfish of me, it would be just for me, to make me feel like my husband knows me better. Anything else is hurtful.

 

Since I can't actually prove that I don't want to hurt my his and and it isn't fear of losing him, I don't know how to address skeptical people

[Mount]

I have to say this, bluntly, if putting affair morality..etc aside, speaking of your MM according to the events that you described, I have to conclude - the MM is a very smart and wise man, that choose not to have physical relationship with you.

 

Apparently he READ people very well, he knew what kind of atomic reaction would come from you, if he ever slept with you then dumped you. You even can not let go someone that even never met, attaching yourself so deep, your MM must have gut feeling what he dealt with.

 

He is smart.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Just let it go. Her story has changed a lot.

 

I am... There's something going on here that it's best to not touch I think.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Just let it go. Her story has changed a lot.

 

Explain how my story has changed

 

::pulls out popcorn::

[whichwayisup]

Continue with your counseling and make sure from now on that your therapist IS the marriage counselor, not someone separate. And I hope your husband is seeking treatment for his drug addiction and learning how to be kinder and not name call anymore. Hopefully you two can fix things but honestly, you need/MUST let go of the anger, hurt, pain, resentment towards exMM and that four month affair. You weren't married to him, he didn't make you promises or vows... He used you, you used him. Difference is, he meant something to you and his actions now show you meant nothing to him so I get that is a big reason why you're hurting so much. Allowing another person to use you, manipulate you and choosing to believe someone (someone married too) that you've not met in real life, IS a risk. I'm sure looking back in the up coming weeks you'll see many red flags that were there but you chose to ignore because you were so caught up in how he made you feel.

 

Make a decision to grieve and let go of the anger. Forgive yourself for making some bad decisions and forgive him for being a big douche-bag con artist. Life is too short to allow anger and resentment to take over. This is fresh, so put a time limit on how long you intend to stay pissed about it all. Then, move on and rebuild with your husband.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I am... There's something going on here that it's best to not touch I think.

 

Wow a mistress and the scorned husband finding mutual ground. How sweet.

[whichwayisup]

What? A big lie? Our entire faithful marriage was based on a lie because of me going astray for 4 months. Hmmm that is melodramatic.

 

Yes, same counselor.

 

But you know? I need more proof that "most" marriage counselors suggest that. I have searched hi and low on this topic and I see that some do and some don't. There is a very popular Times article that says you absolutely should not.

 

But you are right? I didn't sleep with the guy.

 

I may come clean, but it would be selfish of me, it would be just for me, to make me feel like my husband knows me better. Anything else is hurtful.

 

Since I can't actually prove that I don't want to hurt my his and and it isn't fear of losing him, I don't know how to address skeptical people

 

Not your marriage, your affair. You invested so much into your affair emotionally.

 

I wasn't talking about your marriage being a lie. Please re-read what I said.

 

When fixing a marriage, ask the WS and BS around here as your stats, MC's say confession has to happen to rebuild. If an A is hidden and comes out years later, that's enough info to crumble the marriage all over again.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I can't even begin to address this much text.

 

Of course you can't.

 

You judge my investment in someone who I talked to non stop for four months, exposed my vulnerabilities to and fell in love with and yet you invest so much critical text to me, someone you started talking to about five minutes ago.

 

Considering you've managed to insult four people's relationships on here based solely on your frustration that they didn't agree with you, I'm not sure you have much to stand on here. Especially considering you know less of those four people's lives than we know of yours.

 

I've given my feedback. I hope you think about it. HAGN.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Wow a mistress and the scorned husband finding mutual ground. How sweet.

 

Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel that despite my background and history, my honesty and my attempt at being open, compassionate, and respectful even when I disagree with people earned me a degree respect from all people, regardless of their history. Even if it hasn't earned respect, everybody here as far as I remember has been nothing but civil, even friendly, to me. Even if I'm wrong in that too, I have a lot of respect for DKT3 and what he's been through and how he coped. It's given me a lot to think about for sure.

 

So yes, I think it is nice.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Continue with your counseling and make sure from now on that your therapist IS the marriage counselor, not someone separate. And I hope your husband is seeking treatment for his drug addiction and learning how to be kinder and not name call anymore. Hopefully you two can fix things but honestly, you need/MUST let go of the anger, hurt, pain, resentment towards exMM and that four month affair. You weren't married to him, he didn't make you promises or vows... He used you, you used him. Difference is, he meant something to you and his actions now show you meant nothing to him so I get that is a big reason why you're hurting so much. Allowing another person to use you, manipulate you and choosing to believe someone (someone married too) that you've not met in real life, IS a risk. I'm sure looking back in the up coming weeks you'll see many red flags that were there but you chose to ignore because you were so caught up in how he made you feel.

 

Make a decision to grieve and let go of the anger. Forgive yourself for making some bad decisions and forgive him for being a big douche-bag con artist. Life is too short to allow anger and resentment to take over. This is fresh, so put a time limit on how long you intend to stay pissed about it all. Then, move on and rebuild with your husband.

 

 

Look, I do say this with a touch of sarcasm. Forgive me... But who comes on here when the pain isn't fresh? I mean, don't come in here for all day entertainment. Just to release this rage about a topic majority of the time I am free of.

 

I appreciate the advice, but I only come on here when the pain is fresh or when I lapse back into pain. Or now anger affairs do have painful consequences after all, as do all relationships that end.

 

For now the counselor is only a marriage counselor.

 

About drugs, I met married man within days of the sobriety. The sobriety that was forced on my husband after he threatened to kill me and threw a chair at me. I was going to leave otherwise. But my rage about that turned inwards and into self esteem problems and depression. I spent days in a dark bedroom. That is when I met MM. I had wanted to leave husband but loved him, I was terribly confused.

 

But guess what? It took time, it took the absence of drugs for now almost a year for us to grow. And now that I am finally finally free from that bastard who know all that I went through and lied about his feelings for me, I feel joy for the first time.

 

And as far as his vows are concerns, even his wife respects his promises made to me and completely understands my rage, she has counseled me through it. So why are you so concerned about his vows? He made promises, he lied, it was cruel.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel that despite my background and history, my honesty and my attempt at being open, compassionate, and respectful even when I disagree with people earned me a degree respect from all people, regardless of their history. Even if it hasn't earned respect, everybody here as far as I remember has been nothing but civil, even friendly, to me. Even if I'm wrong in that too, I have a lot of respect for DKT3 and what he's been through and how he coped. It's given me a lot to think about for sure.

 

So yes, I think it is nice.

 

But yet, since the beginning you haven't afforded me that courtesy.

 

You are triggered by this topic and taking it out on me.

 

It is because you are married to a cheating husband. You hate that the wife knows. You hate that I get joy in seeing justice. You put your loved one in his shoes. But please remember they are not the same man. You got your married man and I assume he had only you and is now faithful to you! bravo!

 

You lucked out that he wasn't a con man.

 

I don't care if you were with someone one day or five years, don't discredit anyone else's pain just because it doesn't look like yours. Four months is plenty of time to fall in love and I would argue that virtual is stronger than actual. I have has five year in person relationships that felt less painful

 

 

So...hmmm

[Ruffian1]

"So you told your husband aboutthe affair? If not your in no position to be upset about being lied to whileyour lying as well."

my counselor has told me specifically toNOT tell AND I have no desire to actually hurt my husband uselessly, again, no.

 

"Where is the logic in that? Just because you a random scorned husband says I should?"

 

DKT3 did not say for you to tell yourBS. ---So you told you husband about the affair?-----

 

Hey DKT3, you are not a “random scorned husband”, you are a unique person with intelligence, compassion and insight. And most people, WS’s, AP’s and BS’s easily understand the irony and hippocracy of “hating” being lied to by others but justifying it for yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Look, I do say this with a touch of sarcasm. Forgive me... But who comes on here when the pain isn't fresh? I mean, don't come in here for all day entertainment. Just to release this rage about a topic majority of the time I am free of.

 

I appreciate the advice, but I only come on here when the pain is fresh or when I lapse back into pain. Or now anger affairs do have painful consequences after all, as do all relationships that end.

 

For now the counselor is only a marriage counselor.

 

About drugs, I met married man within days of the sobriety. The sobriety that was forced on my husband after he threatened to kill me and threw a chair at me. I was going to leave otherwise. But my rage about that turned inwards and into self esteem problems and depression. I spent days in a dark bedroom. That is when I met MM. I had wanted to leave husband but loved him, I was terribly confused.

 

But guess what? It took time, it took the absence of drugs for now almost a year for us to grow. And now that I am finally finally free from that bastard who know all that I went through and lied about his feelings for me, I feel joy for the first time.

 

And as far as his vows are concerns, even his wife respects his promises made to me and completely understands my rage, she has counseled me through it. So why are you so concerned about his vows? He made promises, he lied, it was cruel.

 

You're not 'hearing' what I'm trying to tell you. I'm not concerned about his vows, I was and am saying it's like you are his wife and your reaction to all this is way too much.

 

 

ANd this is why I said put a time limit on this. Not now or tomorrow or next week. Just don't hang onto all this resentment and hate towards him for months and months or even year(s) seeing as he was a four month online affair, not a husband, not a face to face boyfriend. Keep it in check.

 

I'm not picking at you, so don't lump me in that category. I"m trying to get you to open your eyes a bit objectively so hopefully as time goes on you'll see how you missed the signs and red flags of his behaviour towards you and how he treated you during the four months of your online affair.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

"So you told your husband aboutthe affair? If not your in no position to be upset about being lied to whileyour lying as well."

my counselor has told me specifically toNOT tell AND I have no desire to actually hurt my husband uselessly, again, no.

 

"Where is the logic in that? Just because you a random scorned husband says I should?"

 

DKT3 did not say for you to tell yourBS. ---So you told you husband about the affair?-----

 

Hey DKT3, you are not a “random scorned husband”, you are a unique person with intelligence, compassion and insight. And most people, WS’s, AP’s and BS’s easily understand the irony and hippocracy of “hating” being lied to by others but justifying it for yourself.

 

 

You are also a betrayed spouse it's so obvious. Read my response to D why I don't think it is helpful to tell my husband and how the situation isn't the same.

 

Anyway, DKT3 and I have been going at it for about a half a year now I am used to it.

[whichwayisup]

 

I don't care if you were with someone one day or five years, don't discredit anyone else's pain just because it doesn't look like yours. Four months is plenty of time to fall in love and I would argue that virtual is stronger than actual. I have has five year in person relationships that felt less painful

 

The mind is a powerful thing and it fills in the gaps, creates more fantasy and makes you 'will' him for who you want him to be. I hope this makes sense.

 

Read OWL's threads when his wife had an online affair. She was about to hop on a plane and leave him and their kids behind - NEVER met the OM face to face, they only spoke on the phone and communicated online. She was willing to give EVERYTHING UP. She was in a total fog.

 

Your feelings are real but they are based on intense communications and what he wanted you to know. He showed you 'who he wanted you to believe he was.'

[Redheaded Mistress]

Ok, I'm not a BS, and I think it's a double standard to accuse him of lying to you when you won't come clean to your husband. I think your rationalization that it's selfish is an excuse, and not a good one, that is consistent with your history of blame-shifting and trying to avoid conflict when you feel it will hurt you or your losses will be too high. There is no difference between your lie and his, other than he eventually confirmed to his wife that which you're too scared to admit to yours... So I guess there is some degree of honesty and loyalty to his wife that he has and you don't to your husband.

[Redheaded Mistress]

*Not a BS that I can confirm, I mean. I suspect my first husband was cheating but I have no proof. I'm for sure more an AP than BS given my history. My divorce was because I was an AP, not a BS, if I even was a BS.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

You're not 'hearing' what I'm trying to tell you. I'm not concerned about his vows, I was and am saying it's like you are his wife and your reaction to all this is way too much.

 

 

ANd this is why I said put a time limit on this. Not now or tomorrow or next week. Just don't hang onto all this resentment and hate towards him for months and months or even year(s) seeing as he was a four month online affair, not a husband, not a face to face boyfriend. Keep it in check.

 

I'm not picking at you, so don't lump me in that category. I"m trying to get you to open your eyes a bit objectively so hopefully as time goes on you'll see how you missed the signs and red flags of his behaviour towards you and how he treated you during the four months of your online affair.

 

 

Okay, I appreciate your advice. I absolutely agree with it.

 

Just to be clear, today for example I was fine. Had a beautiful day, and actually before I found out his lies, I was sad and wondering what happened bit wasn't angry and had moved on for the most part. But hearing from his wife and mistress brought it all to the surface and it made me realize just how far his con went. I literally found out two nights ago and have been talking to his wife and mistress non stop. However with that said, I have cut off contact with both desiring to put this behind me. This last rageful post is the final icing on the entire debacle.

 

I have learned my lesson well.

 

I have learned that I need serious counseling so I never feel so badly again that I need escapism on that level that I ignore all the signs. I saw the signs I just didn't know what to think. I would ask and he would deny anything I was suspecting so I believed him. I only found out the truth, He would ask specific questions that would get me to expose something private and each time he did I felt closer. He was my best friend for a while.

 

I thought we both felt that way. I told him he was my best friend and he wouldn't say it back but would be loving in return. I just was naive and stupid and desperate. I took his loving nature and saying he loved me as a sign he truly did..

 

Anyway I am happy he was exposed. Tis true. But had it been only me he was with I would have felt terribly for him. Purely because I can understand straying when terribly unhappy but finding love. But what he did was compulsive and down right narcissistic, so so so so many women. Maybe 20?