Men: Sad we have to worry about being creepy?

[irc333]

Gentleman:

 

This was kind of inspired about the "Good Ol Days of dating" thread, where men have had to struggle with dealing with women when it comes to dating.

 

So often I see on these threads/boards that men are asking advice on here without coming off "being creepy".

 

Isn't it kind of sad that it's come to this? Why do we have to walk on eggshells, seriously?

 

We're so worried about offending someone these days, isn't it a shame? Men, can you list any situations where you've felt like you might be walking on eggshells with a woman?

[jessicachoi]

Indeed, men. Isn't it very sad your co-males made it come to this? They made it hard for you guys, having you to be careful and aware of what you say and do. And the females, having to be very careful and aware because THERE ARE many creeps out there, so of course you are very aware of the littlest things, which could be signs.

[ltjg45]

All the time.

 

For example, nowadays while working as a Walmart cashier, I don't even speak to customers since most of them doesn't care. One day, I had a black woman actually mention that I didn't speak to her.

 

I didn't say anything other than the total of the transaction and yet still find pissed off women.

 

Seriously?

 

And they wonder why I don't even bother dating......

[guest569]

Poor men, everything is hard for men when it comes to dating and women expect rights and to be treated like human beings. Wow, i dont envy men.

[irc333]

Poor men, everything is hard for men when it comes to dating and women expect rights and to be treated like human beings. Wow, i dont envy men.

 

Not sure where you're going with this, but I expect the women aren't going to feel any sympathy for us. LOL

 

I was recently labeled as a "stalker" by a woman in a Meetup when I was speaking to her single friend. Only a 5 min., brief getting to know you conversation.

 

Ironically, it was a Christian Singles Meetup and I had asked about her friend because she was just a +1 to the event. She said, "Yes, she's single, but she's only there to make friends, not stalkers."

 

I was like "Where the heck did that come from??"

 

Keep in mind, the woman who told me this, I THOUGHT she was cool at first, we even partnered up to host a Meetup per the Organizer's request when there was a death in the family. Thought the event we hosted went pretty well.

 

But when I asked about her friend, I was blindsided.

 

In my defense, all I said to her was, "I was just talking to her, getting to know her a bit, then the conversation ended there when yall came back from getting your drinks."

 

She responded, "Are you sure? Maybe it was the way you looked at her."

 

I was like "How is that 'stalking', stalking involves calling someone constantly, harassing them, etc".

 

I thought (didn't say), "Get the heck out of here, bunch of wack-jobs" then dropped from the fledgling Meetup group. (Yes, it was fledgling, it wasn't getting much traction.)

 

I dropped out of the Meetup as result, those kind of women can be dangerous for men.

 

Keep in mind this isn't a GENDER bashing thread, just telling it like it is. Women tend to throw around the "stalking" word a little too loosely these days.

 

This is why men stop bother or simply reluctant in their approaches in real life. Perhaps this is why OLD is catching on. You save face by doing so? I dunno.

[ltjg45]

Hell, I don't care for sympathy but when people start complaining about certain things without knowing why it is that way, I tend to get annoyed about it real quickly.

 

I am sure that woman has no idea why I am quiet that day and yet she still pass judgment.

 

All that does is remind me why I keep quiet. I don't see that changing anytime soon.

[thefooloftheyear]

Ive never run into this...I guess its because I really dont "come on" to women and am often aloof and seemingly disinterested..

 

At the end of the day it just boils down to "creepy is as creepy does"....

 

TFY

[insert_name]

Not sure where you're going with this, but I expect the women aren't going to feel any sympathy for us. LOL

 

I was recently labeled as a "stalker" by a woman in a Meetup when I was speaking to her single friend. Only a 5 min., brief getting to know you conversation.

 

Ironically, it was a Christian Singles Meetup and I had asked about her friend because she was just a +1 to the event. She said, "Yes, she's single, but she's only there to make friends, not stalkers."

 

I was like "Where the heck did that come from??"

 

Keep in mind, the woman who told me this, I THOUGHT she was cool at first, we even partnered up to host a Meetup per the Organizer's request when there was a death in the family. Thought the event we hosted went pretty well.

 

But when I asked about her friend, I was blindsided.

 

In my defense, all I said to her was, "I was just talking to her, getting to know her a bit, then the conversation ended there when yall came back from getting your drinks."

 

She responded, "Are you sure? Maybe it was the way you looked at her."

 

I was like "How is that 'stalking', stalking involves calling someone constantly, harassing them, etc".

 

I thought (didn't say), "Get the heck out of here, bunch of wack-jobs" then dropped from the fledgling Meetup group. (Yes, it was fledgling, it wasn't getting much traction.)

 

I dropped out of the Meetup as result, those kind of women can be dangerous for men.

 

Keep in mind this isn't a GENDER bashing thread, just telling it like it is. Women tend to throw around the "stalking" word a little too loosely these days.

 

This is why men stop bother or simply reluctant in their approaches in real life. Perhaps this is why OLD is catching on. You save face by doing so? I dunno.

 

You need to take the power back. Part of the problem is that men are too ashamed of being called a creep to even fight their corner anymore.

 

You should, in a calm tone of voice, flipped it on its head by saying to the girl you were originally talking to: "is your friend normally as rude as this, or only when she is jealous?"

 

We live in sad times when using such negative words to control people's behaviour is celebrated without question. Women rebel against the use f the word 'slut' to shame and control behaviour, yet because the word creep is predominantly aimed at men, for the most innocuous of things, it is accepted and used with carefree abandon and men lap it up because we would hate to do anything to upset women even further.

[irc333]

Im sure this way in public, but are just as aloof when invited out to a social gathering?

 

Ive never run into this...I guess its because I really dont "come on" to women and am often aloof and seemingly disinterested..

 

At the end of the day it just boils down to "creepy is as creepy does"....

 

TFY

[serial muse]

I mean, OK, I totally understand why men chafe at the use of the word "creepy" - it's vague and insulting and seems to tar too many people with the same brush, some of whom may deserve it and others not. I get it.

 

But stepping away from the soapbox for a second to talk about the OP's story - irc, you sort of glossed over the part where you actually seem to be developing a reputation in your circle. That kind of removes us from the realm of "women r man-haters" to the women in your extended circle taking exception to your approach. This isn't the first time you've alluded to having such a reputation, either. So....maybe you're really doing something that you should rethink? Maybe it's not that these women are man-haters, but that you're giving off a vibe that makes them very uncomfortable?

 

I know it's a lot easier and less painful to cast that back outward and blame all women for whatever, but...that actually doesn't seem to apply here. There's something you're doing that's putting people off. Why aren't you interested in understanding that? This woman you were talking to seemed willing to tell you that to your face, which isn't all that common - people aren't usually that honest face-to-face. That's an opportunity for you to figure out how you might want to change up your game.

 

You seem pretty fixated, in general, on what's wrong with women at large and women in particular in your circle. You've started a lot of threads complaining about everything under the sun. But I don't see much introspection from you. Maybe that would help?

[thefooloftheyear]

Im sure this way in public, but are just as aloof when invited out to a social gathering?

 

Not sure I understand your post...

 

But its also been my experience that good looking and desireable guys can say just about anything to a woman(some even pretty crude stuff) and the woman will take it as a backhanded compliment...Regular Joe's or the unattractive are automatically labeled as creeps no matter what they do...

 

 

TFY

[Cristo]

Yeah, most women these days are really annoying with that terminology. In my circle, there's a couple of women that CONSTANTLY talk about this creepy guy, that creepy guy, while they do some things that, if they were men, would be called creepy as well.

 

In fact, one girl is a relatively attractive, single female. However, to be honest, I find her personality so annoying that I wouldn't dare ask her out (the creepy thing is one of the reasons). Not surprisingly, she has trouble getting dates. Go figure.

[Cristo]

Not sure I understand your post...

 

But its also been my experience that good looking and desireable guys can say just about anything to a woman(some even pretty crude stuff) and the woman will take it as a backhanded compliment...Regular Joe's or the unattractive are automatically labeled as creeps no matter what they do...

 

 

TFY

 

This is pretty much it. If the woman is not attracted to the guy, he's creepy, even if he really isn't.

[organizedchaos]

Not sure where you're going with this, but I expect the women aren't going to feel any sympathy for us. LOL

 

I was recently labeled as a "stalker" by a woman in a Meetup when I was speaking to her single friend. Only a 5 min., brief getting to know you conversation.

 

Ironically, it was a Christian Singles Meetup and I had asked about her friend because she was just a +1 to the event. She said, "Yes, she's single, but she's only there to make friends, not stalkers."

 

I was like "Where the heck did that come from??"

 

Keep in mind, the woman who told me this, I THOUGHT she was cool at first, we even partnered up to host a Meetup per the Organizer's request when there was a death in the family. Thought the event we hosted went pretty well.

 

But when I asked about her friend, I was blindsided.

 

In my defense, all I said to her was, "I was just talking to her, getting to know her a bit, then the conversation ended there when yall came back from getting your drinks."

 

She responded, "Are you sure? Maybe it was the way you looked at her."

 

I was like "How is that 'stalking', stalking involves calling someone constantly, harassing them, etc".

 

I thought (didn't say), "Get the heck out of here, bunch of wack-jobs" then dropped from the fledgling Meetup group. (Yes, it was fledgling, it wasn't getting much traction.)

 

I dropped out of the Meetup as result, those kind of women can be dangerous for men.

 

Keep in mind this isn't a GENDER bashing thread, just telling it like it is. Women tend to throw around the "stalking" word a little too loosely these days.

 

This is why men stop bother or simply reluctant in their approaches in real life. Perhaps this is why OLD is catching on. You save face by doing so? I dunno.

 

Can't recall a single instance in my 43 years where I ever heard indirectly or directly that I gave off a stalkersish or creepy vibe. Maybe as mentioned, it's your interactions within your circle or constant complaining about women and dating that's coming across in your approach.

[jessicachoi]

This is pretty much it. If the woman is not attracted to the guy, he's creepy, even if he really isn't.

 

Insecure, shy, guys are the ones who comes across as creepy. We are literally like, what the heck are you trying to do?! Guys who are secure and confident and know how to talk smooth also make you feel comfortable

[AD1980]

Insecure, shy, guys are the ones who comes across as creepy. We are literally like, what the heck are you trying to do?! Guys who are secure and confident and know how to talk smooth also make you feel comfortable

 

Calling us insecure and shy guys creepy is why I don't approach women and also a huge misuse of the word..

 

Creepy guys are the ones who stare too long or say overly sexual things right away and seem like a possible danger to women..

 

Unfortunately women judge creepiness by how social a guy is..just because a guys a little shy and insecure and not the smoothest talker doesn't make him a creep and just because a man is very good socially or at smooth talking doesn't mean he's not a creep..

[irc333]

Right. Just think about how charming Ted Bundy was at wooing women.

 

Can't judge a book by its cover.

 

 

Calling us insecure and shy guys creepy is why I don't approach women and also a huge misuse of the word..

 

Creepy guys are the ones who stare too long or say overly sexual things right away and seem like a possible danger to women..

 

Unfortunately women judge creepiness by how social a guy is..just because a guys a little shy and insecure and not the smoothest talker doesn't make him a creep and just because a man is very good socially or at smooth talking doesn't mean he's not a creep..

[irc333]

Also here's a funny (but true to life) sketch comedy skit from SNL

[Keenly]

Insecure, shy, guys are the ones who comes across as creepy. We are literally like, what the heck are you trying to do?! Guys who are secure and confident and know how to talk smooth also make you feel comfortable

 

Sucks for women who think this way , since shy guys usually make loyal and attentive partners.

[normal person]

Sucks for women who think this way , since shy guys usually make loyal and attentive partners.

 

Is there any evidence to suggest this? Or that secure, confident guys aren't as loyal and attentive? Security and confidence are attractive to women. It's just biology. You could easily say "Sucks for shy guys, since women can't control who are what qualities they're attracted to." Why wouldn't a girl go for a secure guy who's also loyal and attentive? Then she's got it all.

 

I think it's a bit hasty to draw a correlation between shyness/confidence and loyalty. I think you'll get people who with differing levels of confidence who run the gamut of loyalty and any other trait.

[GravityMan]

Insecure, shy, guys are the ones who comes across as creepy. We are literally like, what the heck are you trying to do?! Guys who are secure and confident and know how to talk smooth also make you feel comfortable

 

I don't agree with Cristo either, but I think you're a bit off the mark here regarding shyness. Unless the guy is so shy that he may actually have social anxiety disorder, I doubt he creeps women out. If a more mildly shy guy is creepy, it's due to something else about him. Some shy guys are quite endearing to some women...despite their slight nervousness it's clear they're being genuine.

 

I'd say a more socially awkward guy who doesn't conduct himself appropriately in various situations is more likely to weird people out. For example, the guy who just sits or stands in a corner of the bar just watching people talk and laugh and stuff...instead of actually interacting with them...those who notice him wonder why he even came since he doesn't seem to grasp the point of bars. Or the guy who is poor with small talk in the office. Or the guy who prefers to keep to himself and not engage with the team. Or the guy who cracks bizarre jokes at inopportune times. Or even the guy who dresses very inappropriately for a business meeting, wedding, etc. (although he'd more likely come across as disrespectful). Or the guy who's too touchy-feely. Or the guy who keeps quiet when the proper response is to socialize a little bit (referring to the cashier example in a post earlier in this thread).

 

IMO, the majority of adult men out there rarely if ever creep out women, and interact with them pretty well with little or no effort. Of course, most of THOSE guys are also in long-term relationships, and they have good friends of both genders. It's really not that hard to interact with women in a non-creepy manner. I agree that confidence and ability to put others at ease (and common courtesy and a lighthearted sense of humor) goes a long way but the guy doesn't need to be some smooth talker. He just needs to relax, be himself, don't try too hard, be friendly, respect boundaries and treat women (and people in general) courteously.

 

Good guys stand out...but are also able to "fit in" in the right ways.

[Keenly]

Is there any evidence to suggest this? Or that secure, confident guys aren't as loyal and attentive? Security and confidence are attractive to women. It's just biology. You could easily say "Sucks for shy guys, since women can't control who are what qualities they're attracted to." Why wouldn't a girl go for a secure guy who's also loyal and attentive? Then she's got it all.

 

I think it's a bit hasty to draw a correlation between shyness/confidence and loyalty. I think you'll get people who with differing levels of confidence who run the gamut of loyalty and any other trait.

 

The point remains. Discard some one for trivial reasons and you might just miss out on some one great.

[serial muse]

The point remains. Discard some one for trivial reasons and you might just miss out on some one great.

 

This is totally true; but I'd also warn away from correlating shy with loyal. I can't speak for all women but in my experience the two things are in no way related. Doesn't mean shy guys aren't loyal, just doesn't mean they necessarily are, either.

 

Blanket assumptions in general are probably a bad idea.

[normal person]

The point remains. Discard some one for trivial reasons and you might just miss out on some one great.

 

With all due respect, I think attraction to certain traits is irrational but not trivial. If you're attracted to certain things and turned off by others, then it might be confusing but still very salient. Just because feelings are difficult to make sense of doesn't mean they're to be cast aside or that they can be rationalized. If shyness is a turn off for someone there isn't much that can be done about it.

[Shepp]

Can't say I've ever noticed 'creepy' being assigned to shy vs confident, I always thought it was a vibe you get from some folk!

 

I've known a couple of very outgoing folk who my female friends have all described as creepy!

 

I don't think there's any point in time when you'd want to come across as creepy - pretty sure even the cave women didn't dig that! Just now folk are more aware of the danger thanks to the news and what have you - probably more on the outlook!