Save a 20 year friendship or exit gracefully?

[HurtZ]

Here’s the deal…I have been best friends with this girl since we were 15 years old despite for the majority of our friendship we have lived long distance. We have always made the point to be in contact with each other and to visit each other. We call each other our sister soul mates. 3 years ago I moved close to her because of certain circumstances ended up moving away long distance again. We still kept in touch and were there for each other. She ended up moving to Los Angeles to pursue her acting dream and I ended up meeting my now husband so when he asked me to marry him it was a no-brainer who my MOH would be.

Let me just preface what I am going to say with the fact that I absolutely love my friend. Not only is she beautiful inside and out, she makes friends easily and is fun to be around—unlike me who is a bit more shy and have always had trouble making close friends.

Anyway, so I got married this past June she came out and was MOH everything was great. Weeks before that I went out to see her new apartment in LA and experience her lifestyle. But since my wedding, we barely even talk anymore. I thought that by her being in my wedding it would bring us closer, but I feel more distance from her than ever before.

She has made a lot of new friends in LA and is especially close to one of them, which I don’t mind in fact I’m happy for her that she has close people out there…but I feel that our friendship is suffering and I can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy as her and her new bestie constantly posting pics of them together having a grand old time…the new friend I actually met in LA and found her to be quite snobbish. Anyway, I’m married now and we are trying for a baby and she’s out in LA living it up in the single lifestyle, going out and basically partying and having a great time.

Although we have tried to connect, we end up missing each other because of the time difference most of the time (though it never stood in our way before) and I’m not quite sure what to do. I really don’t want to lose her friendship, but then again I feel that she isn’t putting much effort into it either. Should I just accept this friendship has ended or should something be done to save our 20 years of being “best friends?”

[d0nnivain]

Don't give up on her or the friendship. You had a major life change & are embarking on 2 new chapters in your life: wife & mother. She is wondering where she fits into that. In time you will find a new balance in your relationship but it will never be like it was. I had friends for 40 years & we needed to readjust when people got married. It will work out. Don't try to talk it through. Just be friendly & supportive. Those actions will mean more than some pseudo-psych session

[preraph]

She's out in LA finding her niche. You do have divergent lifestyles now, so the relationship will change, but as long as you continue to find time for her even after the baby, your friendship has not reason not to survive. She is going to have new friends. Just keep things on a steady track and keep whatever level of friendship going you can. Don't throw away old friends just because you're living different life-styles. They're too hard to come by.

[HurtZ]

I'm not trying to throw her away because we have different lifestyles and I've always been happy for her having friends. The problem is I'm the one who is always calling, always reaching out...for example, I finally got ahold of her 2 weeks ago after she told me what time she would be home and to call then..I called at that time and the first thing she says is that another friend might be coming over. So about 5 minutes into our conversation her friend "pops" over and she says she has to let me go. It really hurt my feelings. I played it off and texted her no problem but I still kind of felt slighted..

 

Since then, she hasn't tried to get in touch with me and I'm kind of sick of always trying to reach out to her especially when I do and am treated like that. I realize things change but I am always the one who is trying to reach out. I realize that my life isn't as exciting as being an actress in LA and meeting stars at the local bars but whatever...

Edited October 20, 2014 by HurtZ

[preraph]

I've had to make quite a few communication adjustments just since smartphones became the norm. Ironically, right when you think smartphone technology is going to make people easier to reach, it makes them harder to reach because all the ones I know pretty much put you on the back burner and stay on whatever schedule they're on and call you back when it's convenient for them and then you play phone tag, because then I am immersed in work or should be. I think it's best handled by leaving one message or text and just waiting. I don't think you can get your hair up about it all the time, though I do find it very annoying personally. If something is urgent, you can tell them it's urgent, and it better BE urgent or that will only work once.

[HurtZ]

You're completely correct. I am going to try to make an extra effort to "reach out" starting by sending her a Halloween card via snail mail. That should give her a reason to give me a call! Hopefully, I miss my BFF!!

[Timshel]

I understand how you feel, being middle-aged now I have come to realize that friendships do change a lot over the years. Sometimes it is hurtful! You are both in different life experiences right now, you are starting a family and she is still single finding her niche. Like it or not, your common ground has temporarily taken a hit.

Don't despair, let her know you are here for her and give her some space. If you don't accept a difference in your relationship gracefully, she may start to resent you and see you as clingy. If your friendship is genuine, I'm sure it is, she will eventually come back. Being a new mom, I'm sure you miss your BFF a lot. She is not trying to hurt you, she just can't relate right now. I hope that helps. Maybe try to join some local mom clubs to make some new friends who have more in common with you right now.

[Standard-Fare]

Long-term friendships naturally go through ebbs and flows -- especially when they're long-distance but even when they're not. People are busy, lifestyles change... it's just inevitable.

 

I know I'll sometimes go through months or even years when I lose all contact with an old friend, but then later when the time is right we're able to pick up right where we left off.

 

If you've been close with this friend for 20 years, you have a very solid foundation. Friends you keep for that long can almost feel like family members. Nothing can erase that connection, not even this new lifestyle of hers or her "new best friend."

 

If I were you I wouldn't stress about it. Nor would I try to force closeness right now if that doesn't seem to be happening naturally. Don't have specific expectations or demands. There will probably be better times in the future for you guys to reconnect in a more meaningful way.

[HurtZ]

Thanks everyone, really great advice. And made me feel a lot better about the whole situation.

[GoBlue]

I understand your feelings but there is no need to be upset about her new "bestie" because the two of you are very far apart (physically). Things just cannot be the same with someone whom your primary contact with is by phone. All of my friends live far from me - I literally do not have a single one in the state where I live. When I need an emotional lift, I speak to them by phone, but when I want to hang out and watch a game, they just aren't present for that. Just because she hasn't made the same efforts recently doesn't mean she has given up on the friendship. Life just happens - it doesn't stop.

 

I agree with those who talk about the "ebb and flow" of friendships. What are your expectations for her? When you say things like "she's living it up", "she's enjoying the single life", and "I'm here married" it kind of sounds a little jealous. Do you sense that in yourself? I am sure that given the opportunity you would choose your marriage over living it up in LA. The two of you are separated by geography as well as stage of life. This too is the natural flow of life. Be encouraged, these things have a way of coming back around. Blessings!

[preraph]

You're completely correct. I am going to try to make an extra effort to "reach out" starting by sending her a Halloween card via snail mail. That should give her a reason to give me a call! Hopefully, I miss my BFF!!

 

That sounds like a good idea. I think old friends sometimes forget to continue to try to be entertaining, which is why they liked you in the first place.

[HurtZ]

I’m not jealous, like I said – I’m happy that she has a new best friend. She has always had a ton of friends, she just has that personality that everyone wants to be around. She can make friends so easily. So if I’m jealous of anything it’s probably that. I’ve moved around a lot in my adult life and have had a hard time making friends. Right now I have lived here 2 years and cannot say I actually even have 1 friend so maybe that is where all this is coming from. I just don’t know how some people can so easily make friends!

 

Like I said, I’m going to send her a little gift and card for Halloween to let her know that I am thinking of her. Hopefully she will call to thank me and we can catch up on our lives. I have only talked to her 1 time (on her birthday) since my wedding 4 months ago.

[d0nnivain]

Stop reaching out. Let her come to you but perhaps send holiday cards & such. Friendships change & evolve. You may never have that daily contact but that doesn't mean she doesn't value you.

[Mysterio]

Try not to lock yourself into a I have to talk to my friend everyday. People are moody. So its not like you are doing something wrong. Maybe on your end. Talk to her once a month on the phone and that should be good enough or get Skype and see if that works out for you.

 

Or be straight up and ask if there is a problem. I say that you need to diversify your life. So that you won't be agitated that your not in contact with her.

 

To be truthful with you. Most likely you are both growing apart from each other. It happens. I guess and this is just speculation on my part. You might be saying to yourself. If I let my friendship go with this girl. Will I let other friendships go to. Or what if my husband and I get in a situation where we are growing apart. Am I supposed to let it happen.

 

I feel that way with a couple of friends and I am now going to resolve those issues. 3 of my male friends are going to be brought up to speed with how I am to be reasonably treated as a friend.

[Mysterio]

Hutz. Another thing you may want to look at is your hobbies if you have time. Even if its something that you think is too taxing for you. Do it. I am going through the exact same thing. Funny though. I have a lot of friends. I hate that these three are on my mind. Its not like if given the choice. That my other friends, in which make up about 12. I would have them go and have these 3.

 

People growing apart is stupid in my book. Just like a hobby. You have to make that time. The most I would want to spend with a friend is once/twice a month anyways. So its not like you or I or the people on this board, want our friends to have 24/7 interactions with us.

 

Like I said at least 1 2 times a month for about 20 minutes to 2-3 hrs is good enough in the city. 30 minute to an hour conversation every 2 months or so.

 

Another thing. There are just some friendships that are special and you really click with them. Some you don't. For me. I have a married couple and maybe once a year. I go one month without talking to them. that usually because they are on family vacation. Other than that. Rock solid. My other friend D. Even though he is 15 minutes away from my home and work. We can go 3 months and not talk. Its not like he can't call me. He is just so into his digital entertainment where its a chore for him to do so.

Edited October 25, 2014 by Mysterio

[HurtZ]

I know that we will always be friends. I’m saddened that we are so far away from each other and that we cannot be a daily part of each other’s lives. She did try to contact me over this weekend so maybe she is feeling my energy about this. Unfortunately I was the one this time who was busy. It just sucks that we are so far away. When I was younger it didn’t matter so much but now it feels like we are light years away from each other. I guess the thing is she is like a family member to me so there is no giving this up. I just wish the “growing apart” part was easier to navigate. And yes, I do believe you need to put the time in. It’s hard when you are both working full time and have other obligations including dealing with a 3 hour time difference. Thanks for the insights.

[HurtZ]

Just sad because over the holidays my friend did not even bother to send me a Christmas card. I specifically chose a gift for her taste, mailed it to her with a card and she got it b4 Christmas. She sent me a text message, thanks so much for the gift! I will call you soon! Yet she never called me.

 

I guess I have to realize this friendship is fading, and fast. I feel like giving up..or at least distancing myself from it. Although that won't be hard because of the lack of communication anyways...

 

I guess I should try to find more "girl" friends, it's just hard at this stage. I'm in my mid 30s and have no idea where or how to go about meeting new friends. Everyone I went to high school with I've lost touch with. I just feel so down. I wanted us to be best buds until we die but it looks like I'm just going to be regulated to being a long distance friend.