I cheated on my husband.

[whatatangledweb]

The best ways my FWH helped me was by being transparent about his phone, emails, texts, all passwords. He told me all the ways they communicated and they were blocked. There is a GPS tracker on his phone. He was willing to talk about the affair when I wanted to. He kept apologizing and doing things to make me feel special. That first year was hard on me and him. I would lash out and say horrible things. I wanted to hear him tell me I love you but on bad days I would think and sometimes say "did you think of how much you loved me while you were F****** her"?

 

He will ride a rollercoaster of emotions and have good and bad days. Your emotions from hormones due to pregnancy will make it harder on you.

 

I have seen several women who because pregnant not long after the affair. The affair was in the open and the pregnancy were unplanned but wanted. Some were the wayward, and other the betrayed spouse. They all said it make it harder . They are still together but the stress from pregnancy and a new baby made it more difficult.

 

Talk to your husband but mainly show him. Your actions will slowly build trust back. Don't tell half truths or lie about any of it. You can rebuild your marriage after an affair.

 

If your husband is excited about the baby and looking forward to it then I don't believe he will resent him/her. How far along are you?

[merrmeade]

Yes, I believe you are sincere, but that means that every piece of deluded thinking should be exposed along with gaining insights how to help your husband. That idea of putting it "behind" you and living with your "own guilt" being some kind of noble sacrifice for your husband's sake, had to be ferreted out, in my opinon. I didn't know it was real advice you got from an internet forum and am shocked. My husband now realizes that deceiving me was the opposite of saving our marriage.

 

Listen to BetrayedH.

 

I would also add:

Dig deep into your memory to come clean. To trust you, he needs to know what he didn't know and should have known. He'll be thinking of things to ask you for a while. Answer them immediately. I kept finding these things out myself which is bad, bad, bad. It means that I will ALWAYS, always, always believe there is still something else, something my husband hasn't told me. I will never trust him completely, and he can't expect it. It would have been different if - like I'm telling you - every fiber of his being from the beginning had communicated to me that his only interest was giving me what I needed for my sake and for our marriage's sake. Volunteering whatever remotely incriminating information about anything you've ever done that you hid from him because you knew he wouldn't like it is the start.

 

Read books. Get him to read books. Show him that you're reading.

Start with How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair.

Then, After the Affair and Not Just Friends.

 

The question of counseling:

Having done counseling right at the beginning and then again two years later, I think that I was too raw in the beginning. I actually needed help feeling all my emotions instead of being numb, more than our marriage needed anything. I didn't deal with the anger, grief, sense of loss and trying to reconcile too soon was the reason. I'm not sure what is the very best or right way for everyone, but I do know that the betrayed spouse needs to be the only focus for a while. The fact is the marriage doesn't exist for a while, not until the affair is properly purged from the betrayed spouse.

 

When therapists work on repairing a marriage and reconciling in the aftermath of infidelity, it shouldn't be the same as mutual incompatibility issues or other marital problems. As has been said, DON'T get someone who gives equal weight to both spouses' culpability. It will kill your husband.

 

YOUR showing your H that his recovery is the only thing that matters right now will go a long way.

Edited October 21, 2014 by merrmeade

[badkarma2013]

I'd honestly say anyone giving any silly advice like "don't tell someone you cheated because you will just hurt them!" should be put on ignore. That type of advice never helps anyone, ever. Especially given the tendencies for cheaters here to make a post and then ignore most posts and only hone in on the ones they want to hear(like ones that involve not telling) and then these people begin thinking they are doing their partners a favor by lying. Like you could have 20 replies saying to tell, but the one reply saying don't tell will be the one the topic creator replies to.

 

Anyone telling you to ignore things and keep secrets does not have your best interests at heart. They are mostly just crazy hypocritical people who feel it is totally okay to suddenly begin worrying about anothers feelings only *after* you have betrayed them, because obviously their feelings did not exist prior to the betrayal, they only exist after, because logic.

 

If this sounds harsh ...i am sorry...but most WWs here have no idea of the devastation they cause..

 

 

 

 

THE TRUTH DOES NOT DESTROY ANYTHING....YOUR Lies ,Deciet and Betryal destroyed the marriage....YOU MADE A CHOICE NOT A MISTAKE...and passed hundreds of Red Flags blowin ing the breeze before the actual sex acts took place...

 

I would want to know.... anything less ,,,you are a coward and a cake eater..

 

All of us BS here must remember...Do not ever confuse Forgiveness with Reconcilition...For they are not the same thing!

[revelations]

Sorry leabee, however I will call Bull on what you have said. Now I am not saying that you or your husband did not want a baby, in fact I'd be pretty sure about that. What I am saying is that their is a reason you did not tell your husband of your affair before trying to get pregnant. You also know that because you are pregnant now that it puts your husband in a position that he can not easily leave you. You sound just like the woman that will cheat on her fiance before the wedding then tell him later after they have been married for some years with children. You did the action that hurt him and did not tell you husband. You trapped him afterwards, then told your husband. Making him basically a trapped animal that YOU are torturing.

 

Read what No Limit had posted a link to (By the way No Limit good reference). Let something like this stew in a persons mind over the years they can often turn into something very twisted and mean. The guy No Limit refers to in his post even admits that his wife did just about everything an xWW could do to make it up to him. Do you think that your BH is a nice guy, smart, witty? Trust me nice guys do see what women like you do to them and how you take advantage of them. Nice guys don't jump up and divorce quickly, they wait until the kids are grown. They plan over years and keep their cool. Then one day you hear from your BH that he wants a divorce and he has been banging some hot woman he works with or met someplace.

 

No Limit posted a very good warning to you. Most WW will be told things to do for their BH and things not to do. In your case I cannot help but think that your BH is feeling that you have trapped him in order to hurt him over a long period of time. Truthfully the best way I have found to get over a cheating spouse is to leave them, you have pretty much removed that option from your BH. Yes you should give your BH total transparency and I mean even have a GPS installed on your car and phone so he can track where you are at. Yes you should treat your BH like he is a king and bend over backwards to help him through his pain that YOU have given him. Most of all you should be praying that your BH will not walk out on you 15 years from now.

 

My post would be totally different had you told your BH about the affair and then you two tried for a baby. However you did not, so I do feel bad for your BH and your baby. After all these are the two people that are actually be hurt by your actions. If your baby is not a "tool" like you claim then you would have told your BH before trying for the baby. I am actually surprised that your BH has not brought this up to you. However since you turned his whole world upside down your BH is probably in too much shock right now. I do think that eventually you will have to try and convince your husband that the pregnancy was not to trap him. My best advice would be to become that model wife that looks awesome, always has dinner ready and taking care of your BH to the point that other husbands and wives are jealous. Oh and also to hope that it is enough for your BH. After all you may not be fully aware of the long term damage you did to your BH by handling things the way you did.

[SawtoothMars]

I was expecting a lot of judgement on these sights, yes, and I deserve them. But, I was also expecting and hoping for some insight and guidance on how to help us through this as it is what we both want.

 

In your initial post... you seem to be doing everything perfect. I think that is why some people are just jumping on you... they have no real advice to give someone who is already doing all the right things.

 

What does your husband say? How is he feeling? What does he need from you?

 

Give us more information and some questions you specifically are having... then we can probably provide some better insight and advice!

[No Limit]

Now I am not saying that you or your husband did not want a baby, in fact I'd be pretty sure about that.

 

The key danger is a different question though; would her husband have wanted a baby with her if he knew that she had cheated? This is the question which will determine their entire future - and now that of an innocent child too.

[badkarma2013]

I REFUSE to carry this the rest of my life.

I agree...R in some cases works...again after my nightmare,there was NO WAY I could forget much less forgive to even phantom the thought of R.

 

MY best friend from my college days is in his 2nd yr of R...It seems his WW is doing the WS script to the tee....GREAT

 

However,he triggers several times a week is UP and DOWN....has constant trust issues( which i believe he will have from now on) his self esteem is shot...and is happy one minute and crys the next.....FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY?

 

Research states only 15-20% of BHs can reconcile and stay in a relative stable marriage....flip side is 80-85% of BH divorce...

[Discjockey80]

OP, If I may...the only thing that will give you a fighting chance here aside form the relational respect, is to give him the wildest most uninhibited sex you possibly can. Make him think no man ever had it as good.

 

 

I realize your husband has to feed into that equation as far as participation too, but you do your part and give it to him like a wild woman. Multiple positions, dirty talk, steam it up. Sensual/rough etc.

[Sub]

OP, If I may...the only thing that will give you a fighting chance here aside form the relational respect, is to give him the wildest most uninhibited sex you possibly can. Make him think no man ever had it as good.

 

 

I realize your husband has to feed into that equation as far as participation too, but you do your part and give it to him like a wild woman. Multiple positions, dirty talk, steam it up. Sensual/rough etc.

 

Slippery slope here. She goes from a mild child to a porn star in bed and he could wonder if the inspiration is the OM. It really depends on what their sex life was like prior to the A. Baby steps may be the way to go. But like you said, the H is a big part of the equation.

[No Limit]

The guy No Limit refers to in his post

 

mini-off-topic; I'm a girl! D:<

[BetrayedH]

OP, If I may...the only thing that will give you a fighting chance here aside form the relational respect, is to give him the wildest most uninhibited sex you possibly can. Make him think no man ever had it as good.

 

 

I realize your husband has to feed into that equation as far as participation too, but you do your part and give it to him like a wild woman. Multiple positions, dirty talk, steam it up. Sensual/rough etc.

 

For some guys, this works. For others, it just constantly brings to mind that she must have done all this with the OM and it ruins sex altogether.

 

I was somewhere in the middle, or in the middle of both. We went thru a period of hysterical bonding and I loved some of it; I also hated some of it.

[Spectre]

So, then, why do you think she's here? To gloat? I think we all know she did a f*cked up thing. And she's been pretty articulate in her own awareness of this. It seems like you're cherry-picking the parts of her post that make her an easy target - a punching bag - and ignoring the more constructive parts that she herself is discussing: the counseling, the therapy, the paternity test, etc. Honestly, why do you think she's going into all this detail about her situation with a bunch of BS's?

 

My problem is this means nothing because the other person is still being kept in the dark.

[Spectre]

I find it appalling when people bully and insult someone who is pregnant and in pain, self inflicted or not and then heap their unhelpful judgements ontop. Saying this is what her husband will say or thinks does not justify being a bully when called on it. It just is self justification for bullying. If you have nothing helpful to say then ask yourselves why you need to throw stones? What is wrong with you that you enjoy putting others down? This isn't her problem it is yours. You control your hands on the keyboard. She has done nothing to you.

 

OP, the people who say to be proactive are right. You had a child close to this so I agree with the pat test. But if you can't afford the non risky prenatal one then wait until birth. If there are no demands your H can make of you it will be harder for him to fall into the role of tyrant which will help him heal better.

 

I think you have a strange definition of "bullying". Pointing out shady behavior and addressing how to fix it(by being honest with the husband) is not bullying. I..that kind of actually is an insult to people out there who do suffer from actual bullies. We don't need people who now can't even tell the difference. Nobody is bullying this person. Judging? Yep, but then nobody forced her to post her story here. It would be bullying if people were harassing her, etc. and stuff and all that. So I think calling it bullying is a bit much.

[Blackknight]

My problem is this means nothing because the other person is still being kept in the dark.

 

I think you have a strange definition of "bullying". Pointing out shady behavior and addressing how to fix it(by being honest with the husband) is not bullying. I..that kind of actually is an insult to people out there who do suffer from actual bullies. We don't need people who now can't even tell the difference. Nobody is bullying this person. Judging? Yep, but then nobody forced her to post her story here. It would be bullying if people were harassing her, etc. and stuff and all that. So I think calling it bullying is a bit much.

 

She told her husband...? Wrong thread perhaps?

 

I think you are smart enough to see the difference between those who are offering positive encouragement to her and those who are merely kicking her while she is down. And for some not just once but repeatedly. Dropping into to tell someone who has stopped having an affair that they are disgusting is not productive or helpful. I stand by myself. Such people would do better to look within and figure out what is wrong inside of themselves that they have that need.

[revelations]

mini-off-topic; I'm a girl! D:<

 

LMAO, sorry about that. However I will say that a lot of your posts are dead on.

[Man Mountain Makino]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

 

I personally wouldn't have anything to do with you anymore, especially since you were pregnant at the time you confessed. I'd doubt I was the father and would figure you're covering your bases.

 

If your husband was my friend, I'd say the same to him and encourage him to get you out ofhis life so he can get a better woman into his life.

 

Realize that odds are that he has a friend like me working against you that will remind him that he has options.

[road]

Time for a paternity test is today.

[Chi townD]

Well, if you're going to a marriage counselor, you need to do your homework and find one that specializes in infidelity. Do not open the phonebook and pick one out by random.

 

 

A lot of "Run-of-the-mill" counselors are trained in kind of a Dr. Phil/ Oprah way and will make it about your husband. That you cheated because your husband didn't do this, or didn't do that...blah...blah... Point is, he did nothing wrong. It's what YOU did that brought you two to that office.

 

 

A counselor that specializes in infidelity will realize that if there was problems in the marriage, then your husband can own up to 50% of those problems and you can own up to the 50%. But, you cheating was 100% ON YOU!!! And he/she will make you own up to your own sh*t.

[Discjockey80]

For some guys, this works. For others, it just constantly brings to mind that she must have done all this with the OM and it ruins sex altogether.

 

I was somewhere in the middle, or in the middle of both. We went thru a period of hysterical bonding and I loved some of it; I also hated some of it.

 

 

I realize that but....

 

 

Its worth a shot. Its not like what they have is otherwise going to be any better or worse anyway.

[GoBlue]

Trying to get through the devastation of betrayal alone is a very hard road to travel. Have the two of you started seeing a professional counselor yet? A Pastor could also be very beneficial. There is a book titled Torn Assunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair that I highly recommend. Ultimately, your husband will heal as he deals with the deep hurt and sense of loss. The only thing you can do is be honest and open with him. Praying and seeking the grace of God would be awesome helps as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[HereNorThere]

mini-off-topic; I'm a girl! D:<

 

I feel silly because I thought you were a dude as well! Soo funny!

[Davey L]

I Don't like some of the more aggressive responses on here. The OP is a pregnant woman. perhaps before making very judgmental responses posters could consider if attacking a pregnant woman is such a good thing to be doing either.

 

OP knows she's messed up big time and seems to be genuinely looking for some help in repairing the damage she's caused.

[badkarma2013]

i don't like some of the more aggressive responses on here. The op is a pregnant woman. Perhaps before making very judgmental responses posters could consider if attacking a pregnant woman is such a good thing to be doing either.

 

Op knows she's messed up big time and seems to be genuinely looking for some help in repairing the damage she's caused.

 

 

some damage cannot be repaired...

[trippi1432]

No, I wanted to put it behind me then, when we began trying for a child. And yes I didn't tell him for my own selfish needs, I justified it by saying I had to live with the guilt, websites and forums said, if he's not going to find out don't tell. But, the I had to tell him, yes to get rid of this burden but also so that I can grow, change and improve and become the mother and wife I want to be. I understand that whilst the burden has been lifted it has been replaced with the much heavier burden of seeing him in pain. I deserve this pain and torment, I know I do but the fact is HE DOESN'T and that's what hurting. He's hurting and I have hurt him, he is my husband, I do love him and I just want to help him through this.

 

 

As regards to putting it behind me, that it what I told myself when I was convincing myself not to confess. Put it behind you and forget about it. I couldn't, I came clean in an attempt to save, improve and rebuild our marriage. Now it is out in the open, I never want to put it behind me. It must also be there to stand as a reminder as to the gravity of what I have done, the risks I took and the disrespect I showed to the man I love. All of which can not and will not happen again.

 

 

I was expecting a lot of judgement on these sights, yes, and I deserve them. But, I was also expecting and hoping for some insight and guidance on how to help us through this as it is what we both want.

 

 

My advice, find a way to do everything you both can to put each other first. Two wrongs don't make a right, so if something feels wrong to you, talk about it.....with your husband. Two people cannot go through life together keeping secrets. You've not even started the journey yet of a family. You can never find peace in that journey until you are totally honest with yourself and your H is honest as well in how he feels.

 

 

I had a friend who kept a secret for 20 years, it hurt her more than it hurt anyone else....and honestly...wasn't an affair or anything SHE did wrong...she just kept quiet based on her mother's advice. Bad advice still does you a disservice to live happy.....you can't when you carry that kind of baggage.

 

 

I see both sides of the thread here...you finally felt you needed to come clean.....you didn't do it out of anger, revenge or any of that. But you might want to look at yourself and understand the dynamic. When you cheated, were you happy with your marriage, with yourself...were you content? When you decided to tell him, were you happy with your marriage, with yourself.....were you content?

 

 

Should you have told him before you became pregnant....yes. Not going to shield you from that, I think you even realize that now. It is about not being given the chance to have the open book in front of you, to have the freedom of choice. Just out of curiosity, and no....you can't go back and change history, but what if you had told him and then the two of you healed and decided to have a child together? That is a healthy foundation of a family for a child to come into.

 

 

The question now is how to build that healthy foundation. It's not about rolling over and being a porn star for the hubby *face palm* to who posted that one, you have every right to be wanted, loved and happy...just as your husband does. It's also not about feeling guilty and walking on eggshells for the rest of your life, nor should he feel that way either. Being a BS or an WS, both are painful and an awakening. But each have the choice in how they decide to torment each other (denial, hatefulness, his fault, her fault)....at the end of the day, own what is yours.

 

 

Moving forward...it's about how you become a mom and forgive yourself....and how he becomes a dad and forgives (period intended). Net/Net...a dead horse drug to the river still won't drink.

 

 

To use a phrase I hear often from Beach and 2Sunny...."how are you going to make this change?"

Edited October 23, 2014 by trippi1432

[violet1]

I've only been back posting this past week. Yep, some things never change. The same judgemental people spewing the same stuff. Kick em' while they're down. It almost makes you wonder of the OP is their WS.

 

OP, hang in there. I understand not wanting to tell your H. Believe me, I've

been in your shoes. I know the agony you're feeling, but it is the right thing

to do. I wish you well and please continue posting. Don't let the harsher posts scare you away.