I have no idea !!

[RoguePrincess]

Hi, everyone! This is my first post here. I joined specifically to get some advice about a problem I've been having because I really think I just need some advice from people who aren't involved. Getting a new perspective might really help!

 

This is about a guy I work with. I met him when he got hired about 8 years ago. I'm 30 now and I believe he is 26. Anyway, we became friendly due to vaguely similar geeky interests, and we've hung out a bunch over the years. I wouldn't say that we're best friends, and maybe not even good friends since weeks have gone by where we don't talk or see each other, but we are friends.

 

Several years ago, I confessed to him that I liked him as more than a friend. He seemed shocked that I waited until he was going to college to tell him (I believe his exact words were, "You tell me this NOW?!"), but I explained that it had taken me a while to gather my courage to tell him. Anyway, he didn't give me and answer, and I said that was fine, I'd just like an answer within a week or so. He agreed. The time passed and he didn't give me an answer. I asked him about it, and he kind-of dodged my question, which pissed me off and I told him forget it, thinking that I didn't wanna be with a guy who couldn't even give me a yes or no answer, or any kind of answer at all.

 

Fast forward a few years. We had seen each other off and on, hung out, flirted, all that stuff. He and I both saw other people, and considered each other to be just friends. I had mentioned a few times that maybe we should get together, and he kept insisting that we're just friends.

 

In the past year or so, I've told myself I was done with his confusing shenanigans a few times. He keeps saying we're just friends, but everything he's doing is flirty (playing with my fingers, dancing with me and spinning me, poking my sides, coming over to talk to me a bunch, telling me cheesy pick-up lines all the time, poking my face, etc. etc. etc.), and actions speak louder than words. I've been wondering if he just enjoys teasing me, or if he's gay, or asexual, or just not great at understanding how human interactions work. I'm not sure.

 

Two days ago, the usual awkward/weird flirting went a step above and beyond when he and I held hands with our fingers intertwined. We've never done this before, and I consider it to be a very romantic gesture. I don't think that most people who consider themselves just friends would do that. I'm not quite sure who initiated it, but when I tried to let go, his hand pulled mine back twice before he let me go. It was while we were at work talking to our co-workers, so we weren't looking at each other and we didn't talk about it.

 

I don't know if I'm overthinking this or what. Since talking to him hasn't worked out too well in the past, I'm wondering if I should just leave it alone and see what happens, but that hasn't worked either. Since I am 30 and I have spent years waiting for this guy to get his act together, I'm trying to figure out what to do now. I made plans for us to hang out later this week. I'm trying to figure out if I should talk to him about it or not. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to shake my feelings for him. I actually call him "love" at work, and he doesn't even bat an eyelash. So, I don't know. But I either want us to become a couple, or just be friends. I can't do this friendly flirting thing anymore. That's gone on for long enough.

 

So, I guess my question is do you guys and gals think that I should talk to him about it directly and be up front and see what happens? Or do you think I should just totally forget it and move on? I'm asking because it's been near impossible for me to move on, like I keep coming back to this guy, and I just have no idea how to handle it. He knows how I feel. I mean, I've told him enough. He has to. I guess maybe he might be oblivious and think I'm joking about it, but I'm really not.

 

Oh, and the most we've done besides the recent interlocking fingers thing is hug. I think that's about it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[JennyGreen]

Hi, I'm new here too. I also joined just to get advice concerning a guy friend. Reading your post, I can't help but compare our situations. They are very similar. I too have been going insane with my friend who keeps throwing me these mixed messages. He flirts with me all the time. He's even gone as far as telling me I'm everything he wants in a girl. But he just won't bite the bullet. It's fustrating as hell! The friend zone is the most depressing place to be. The only difference is, I haven't told my guy about my feelings. Although I'm sure he knows, I just haven't had the guts to confront him about it. Kudos on that one, girlfriend!

 

Imo, I think you've gone this far. You may as well just talk to him about it. Tell him you guys are not teenagers anymore and can't continue this childish cat and mouse game...in so many words at least.

[PaperCrane]

I joined for similar reasons as well. A girl that I'm friends with, before we moved in together would do all of that flirty stuff, and it only got worse after moving in together. To me that kind of thing (holding interlocked hands, etc) is more than just friends territory.

 

If I were in your shoes, just confront him about it again. If he can't reciprocate then it is time to move on. However; do not be coy about it, articulate your feelings and put them out there.

 

The friendzone is a sad and lonely place but to get out of it you have to make the move. It may not end how you want, but sitting there with an anxious heart waiting for him to pick it up is just plain torture.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Definitely just talk to him. I had to have a similar talk with one of my close colleagues, who was in a serious relationship but suddenly very flirtatious with me. We ended up insisting we were just friends and that the timing was terrible...but by the end of the night we were holding hands over the table. I was confused but was clear that nothing else could happen unless he got his act together. Not even two weeks after he broke up with his girlfriend and we're dating today.

 

Holding hands like that really is romantic, although it's quite strange to me that he'd do it in the workplace while other people can see. Whatever it is he's doing, you don't have to just put up with it. Ask him what he's doing and make it clear that a non-answer is disrespectful to you. Be friendly but firm. Put your feelings on the table. Get a glass of scotch first (hey, it worked for me).

 

Also, I admire your patience. The man and I were friends for nearly two years but the flirtation proper lasted for about ten days before I called him on it. I can't imagine letting it last for months!

[RoguePrincess]

Thanks for all of your advice and comments!

 

I'm going to be hanging out with him tomorrow, so I'll report back after that to let you all know what happened!

 

JennyGreen, your comment reminded me about a time when he told me I was a 9 out of 10, but he was saving himself for a 10. I sometimes think about that in a weird way. Like, literally all relationships have problems, right? No couple is perfect. Everyone had to work to maintain their relationship. And I think a 9 out of 10 is actually pretty freaking great!

 

Anyhow, I'm freaking out a bit about talking to him tomorrow. I'm nervous. Of course I'm hoping that he'll say he wants to be a couple, but I'm expecting that he'll say he doesn't want to. In which case, I need to explain to him that all of the touching and comments and general flirting need to stop. And that's really what I'm nervous about; if I'll be able to put a stop to flirting with him. We've been doing this awkward dance for so long now (I mean, it's been years, to be honest) that I just am not sure I know how to just be his friend. But I'm trying to steel myself for that possibility. One way or another, tomorrow it will finally be settled!

 

Wish me luck!

[preraph]

If he was 16 instead of 26, I'd tell you he's just still immature and awkward with women, but he's a grown-a** man and you're 30 years old and he's known forever you liked him more than friends and hasn't once given you any reason to think he's interested. I think if you continue down this road, you're just going to be very disappointed. Honestly, he could be gay or you're just not his type at all. Holding fingers would mean something if he was 16, but he's old enough to be sexually experienced, so it means little or nothing except he may find you someone to tease, like a sister. You work together, so that may factor in as well to why he doesn't just blow you off. My fear is that you take advantage of the fact he's a man and men are easily aroused and then he gives in and sleeps with you and you expect a relationship to come of that, whereas he has no such intention and wishes he never led you on.

 

I certainly don't advise starting another conversation with him about it. If for some reason he is stunted sexually or emotionally and a finger hold is a big step for him at his age, then talking about it is only going to make him uncomfortable and pile pressure on. I'd advise staying calm and seeing if he escalates anything. My feeling is he doesn't want you to ever be his girlfriend, so the more you talk to him about your expectations, the more he realizes he shouldn't be touching you at all.

 

Has this guy ever had a girlfriend that he slept with??

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

when he told me I was a 9 out of 10, but he was saving himself for a 10.

 

:record scratch:

 

Dude. I thought he was just immature and maybe a little clueless, but this is unacceptable. There is no way this can be construed as a flirtatious or even remotely positive comment. "You're good but I want better"---what the hell? Unless he apologized profusely, and it doesn't sound like he did, you need to forget him. That's an astonishingly mean thing to say to anyone no matter what your relationship.

[RoguePrincess]

Oh man, I was all ready to talk to him about it tomorrow morning, but after reading those last two comments, now I'm not sure.

 

I'll definitely have a talk with him, but I'm debating on just telling him stop entirely, since I do think there's almost no chance that he's interested in a relationship. And even if he was, I'm not sure that he would fully appreciate me. But ARGH, I don't KNOW! We've played this strange tango game for long enough that I want to see how it ends. I think if he says he does want to date me, that after all this I'll let him. I have no idea if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but must mean something that I haven't been able to get over him after all this time. I need believe that it's some sort of sign. Maybe that's crazy, I have no idea.

 

But I am fully prepared to lay down the law and fully friend zone him if need be. I also need to explain to him about not being mean, and about having respect, and all of that other obvious stuff. But I'm only gonna bother with that if we decide to date. If not, that's someone else's problem, not mine.

 

I think I would like to date him, but I'm not sure. I am going into tomorrow with the mindset that whatever was meant to be will be, and that whatever outcome happens will be the best outcome for me.

 

Like I said, I'll let you all know what happens! Thanks again for your comments!

[RoguePrincess]

Okay, so I'm done talking to him. It was an incredibly short conversation.

 

I just basically told him, "You remember on Saturday when you were holding my hand like this." And then I interlocked my fingers together. I continued, "This is a very romantic gesture, and I know you're not interesting in dating me. You're not interested in dating me, right?" He shook his head no and said something like, "Yeah, no." Then I continued, "Okay, so since you're not interested in dating me, you need to not be doing romantic things with me. Got it?" He nodded in agreement, and that was that.

 

So, I didn't actually give him a choice in the matter, which I think was for the best. I think he seems to think that romance is a waste of time, and I'm done wasting my time with someone who doesn't think romance is worthwhile.

 

I'm glad that I talked to a bunch of people about this. It really helped me to finally figure this out.

 

Thanks again for all of your help!

[LoverOfDance]

I admire the fact that you're brave enough to have actually told him more than once that you're interested in him. You have a lot of courage. You are actually going for what you want and from my observations, it seems like a lot of girls are not like this. I really admire you. But, he is not worth the trouble.

 

I had something very similar happen to me 2 years ago. Although the guy I liked is in a LTR. I told him how I felt (and confession conversations are seriously the worst, lol. Definitely not a walk in the park at all, lol) and although I still see him frequently, we've never spoken a word about that day. I never brought it up again.

 

I don't see any reason why I should. I already told him once before and if he wasn't bold enough to do something major to show he felt the same, then there's nothing else I can do. And I say something "major", because he did do a couple of things to show that he liked me but he never made a bold move because he is with someone else. The whole situation is really just complicated. And this is why I decided to leave it alone.

 

If he likes you (and I have a feeling that he might have some feelings for you even though they are not as big or as strong as yours) and is not doing anything about it, just leave it be and find someone else who will like you and actually do something about it, lol. And since you've liked him for years now (just like me, lol. I have liked "my" guy for 3 years now), be ready to accept the possibility that you may not be getting over him any time soon. And that's ok. Move on with your life and don't bother yourself about him. You will do just fine and even amazing with or without him :-) All the best!

[todreaminblue]

its not easy to tell someone how you feel when you dont know if the feelings are reciprocated.......its a leap of faith off a short pier.......takes guts determination and going ahead while your heart is pounding, dry mouth syndrome...is courage....... doing something even when you are not sure of the outcome and have actual fear...to go ahead with fear present ...is courage personified....you have handled the situation with dignity and respect.....to yourself and him.....

 

 

you will no doubt find someone with same maturity, guts and determination as you yourself possess,you will be with someone who deserves you in other words....not a scaredy cat who plays with feelings and hand holding...... childish games are not your bag...congrats...........best wishes....deb

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Okay, so I'm done talking to him. It was an incredibly short conversation.

 

I just basically told him, "You remember on Saturday when you were holding my hand like this." And then I interlocked my fingers together. I continued, "This is a very romantic gesture, and I know you're not interesting in dating me. You're not interested in dating me, right?" He shook his head no and said something like, "Yeah, no." Then I continued, "Okay, so since you're not interested in dating me, you need to not be doing romantic things with me. Got it?" He nodded in agreement, and that was that.

 

So, I didn't actually give him a choice in the matter, which I think was for the best. I think he seems to think that romance is a waste of time, and I'm done wasting my time with someone who doesn't think romance is worthwhile.

 

I'm glad that I talked to a bunch of people about this. It really helped me to finally figure this out.

 

Thanks again for all of your help!

 

Good for you! I said something similar. You put it on the line and showed him your self-respect comes first. Now it's time to get excited for a REAL man who will show you just how much he wants to date you.

[PaperCrane]

Good job! That takes a lot of courage to do what you did. You set your boundaries while allowing the chance you wanted.

 

He isn't worth your time if he can't see what he had. You'll find someone who you can mirror all that affection from and have it be truly mutual and good.

 

Meanwhile I kind of wish I had half the balls you did to set those boundaries. At least you don't live with him. Makes for quite the challenge.

[Kamila]

Okay, so I'm done talking to him. It was an incredibly short conversation.

 

I just basically told him, "You remember on Saturday when you were holding my hand like this." And then I interlocked my fingers together. I continued, "This is a very romantic gesture, and I know you're not interesting in dating me. You're not interested in dating me, right?" He shook his head no and said something like, "Yeah, no." Then I continued, "Okay, so since you're not interested in dating me, you need to not be doing romantic things with me. Got it?" He nodded in agreement, and that was that.

 

So, I didn't actually give him a choice in the matter, which I think was for the best. I think he seems to think that romance is a waste of time, and I'm done wasting my time with someone who doesn't think romance is worthwhile.

 

Now what are your next steps ? Are you still going to behave like you did before with him ?

How are you going to shut down your feelings for him if you see him regularly ? I'm curious ...

[RoguePrincess]

Now what are your next steps ? Are you still going to behave like you did before with him ?

How are you going to shut down your feelings for him if you see him regularly ? I'm curious ...

 

Well, to be honest, I'm not planning on changing much. I've thought that we should be together for years, and I still get butterflies because of him. It's not as if that's going to change overnight.

 

But the way he shook his head no when I checked that he still didn't want to date me... Let's just say I'm convinced he means it. I think he's genuinely confused about how flirting and romance work. And honestly, as much as it's going to probably be at best near impossible to shake the notion that we should be together, his issues are simply not my problem. While I am trying to believe that the emotional grief he's caused me was accidental because he just doesn't know how these things work, I also find that thought to be completely ridiculous. Which means one of two things: either he was using my feelings for his selfish amusement or he honestly is just so oblivious to romance that it falls somewhere in the category of being sad or pitiful.

 

Now, I'm not saing this to be mean. We are talking about a guy I've been thinking I'd wind up married to, so I obviously like him. I'm just trying to figure out how such a huge misconception could have lasted so long. And it could be my fault, too. I'm a very loyal and honest person. Those positive qualities may have worked negatively against me in this situation. I read into things a lot, too. I think that's why I find it so difficult to completely drop this guy. Actions speak louder than words, after all. And just yesterday, the day after I told him to not do ronantic things with me, he was back to flirting. I seriously was considering rehashing the entire conversation with him. But why? What would be the point? It's painfully obvious that he doesn't get it. He doesn't want what I want. So, what's the point in continuing the conversation with him? It would just make me feel awkward and I'm sure he'd be confused.

 

Actually, on the day that I talked to him before our short conversation, we were listening to music in his car. It was a song from the Muppets, and I hadn't heard it before, so I asked him what it was about. In a derogatory tone, he said something like, "Women. It's about women. How you can't trust them and they'll always use you and leave you." I was completely floored that he had such clear problems with members of my gender, and it basically cemented my idea that he was not ready for a loving committed relationship. I have no idea what his problem is, but I do know that whenever I feel myself getting butterflies for him, I'm going to shoo them away with the memory of him explaining that song.

 

I've also thrown myself into online dating again. I've tried it before with mixed results. But I figure just talking to other people will help me get my focus off of him and on to someone who might actually work out for me.

 

In addition, since we very rarely hang out, we only see each other when he works on Friday and Saturday. I just started a new job that I'm incredibly psyched for, and so I cut down on my hours at this job. I may still see him on Friday and Saturday if I get scheduled then, but this week I'm not on either day, so I won't see him at all. I think that will definitely help!

 

And, to be quite honest, if I have to, I'll sit him down and explain that I feel he's been using me and my feeling for him to amuse himself and it has to stop. I have no idea if he's lacking confidence, the ability to read people and situations, general social skills, or something else, but I just can't be concerned about him anymore. If all of the times I've confessed to him and all of the times coworkers and customers and friends have said we should date, and all of the flirting have not gotten through to him. Well, eff, I have no idea! But his obliviousness is not a cute game and I'm done with it. I want to be romanced by someone who knows what romance is!

 

So, I guess that's my answer? It's not like I can shut off my feelings or my imagination, but I can recognize that this isn't good for me and that I need to move on. I'm hoping that's enough to get me through until I don't feel this way anymore.

 

Thanks again everyone for your comments, help, and praise! And if anyone has any ideas or anything else to add, please feel free!