hello234 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Ok all.. Lets be completely honest.. Are you or are u not happier and more PEACEFUL now that the affair has ended and has been over and are no longer in contact with exMM? Do you feel relief? Like a big load off your back? How do you feel? Is life more peaceful not having to make excuses to ur husband to see him, not having to hear about his life and wife, not having to care seeing his FB pics.. yes, this is all the pain that I am going through.. so happier or no? If not, then say no.. nothing wrong with that. Just want honest opinions.. Link to post Share on other sites
HtotheN Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 This sums it up for me. Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I feel numb mostly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Loveless77 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I'm miserable, today makes day 32 for me. I thought he would have called or text-ed me by now. The fact that he hasn't makes me so angry Link to post Share on other sites
justmebev1 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Very good q! I miss the friendship the most, I do feel some relief, and I do feel emptiness, I miss the love, I am glad not to hear about his wife/family, jumping through hoops to see each other not to mention the expense. I would have to say half/half. Link to post Share on other sites
HBIC Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I am a gazillion times happier now that I am out of the A. The difference is night and day. I don't have NC, but VLC. Without exMM in my daily life, things are peaceful and calm. On days I have to deal with him? Ugh. It feels like being electrocuted. I have some PTSD-inducing memories of the A and some good ones. They are all (blessedly) starting to fade. I'm really glad he is 99.9% out of my life and no longer my part-time problem. The guy is like a loaf of bread that when you check the oven, only appears half baked. If anything, I feel detached compassion for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hello234 Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 HBIC --- VLC?- very low contact? Nice.. This is the type of relation I want to achieve with MM.. I don't think I want him yet completely out of life with NC, but first want to go to VLC, get used to him not being around n not talking, and then maybe kick him to NC level. lol.. What do you mean by VLC? like u talk once a week or so? text, call, email? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hello234 Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 I am a gazillion times happier now that I am out of the A. The difference is night and day. I don't have NC, but VLC. Without exMM in my daily life, things are peaceful and calm. On days I have to deal with him? Ugh. It feels like being electrocuted. I have some PTSD-inducing memories of the A and some good ones. They are all (blessedly) starting to fade. I'm really glad he is 99.9% out of my life and no longer my part-time problem. The guy is like a loaf of bread that when you check the oven, only appears half baked. If anything, I feel detached compassion for him. HBIC --- VLC?- very low contact? Nice.. This is the type of relation I want to achieve with MM.. I don't think I want him yet completely out of life with NC, but first want to go to VLC, get used to him not being around n not talking, and then maybe kick him to NC level. lol.. I think this method is good in the sense it gives you peace but also doesn't depress you as you are completely not out of each others lives.. Am I right? What do you mean by VLC? like u talk once a week or so? text, call, email? Link to post Share on other sites
Donesharing Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Not today. I miss the friendship and I miss him. But, I have screwed up and made contact at day 20 and then at day 24, no response though. I mostly hurt that he hasn't made an effort to sincerely apologize. I guess that is what bothers me the most. I really think I deserved a genuine apology. I am definitely not recovering well yet. I am mostly depressed and I just regret so much that I let myself love him. Link to post Share on other sites
HBIC Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 HBIC --- VLC?- very low contact? Nice.. This is the type of relation I want to achieve with MM.. I don't think I want him yet completely out of life with NC, but first want to go to VLC, get used to him not being around n not talking, and then maybe kick him to NC level. lol.. I think this method is good in the sense it gives you peace but also doesn't depress you as you are completely not out of each others lives.. Am I right? What do you mean by VLC? like u talk once a week or so? text, call, email? What I meant by VLC is very low contact necessitated by work. Months can go by without a need for dealing with him. Then there might be a week where we speak a few times. It's not a pleasant experience. He would resume some sort of shenanigans with me if he could, but I have created boundaries to protect myself. I don't consider him a friend. I have to be friendly in tone to him, but that is as far as it goes. ExMM is a train wreck right now and best avoided as much as possible. He is a compulsively lying cheater who drinks too much and pretty much only thinks of himself. All set with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GreySkyMorning Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Absolutely! I am happier now than I ever have been. I let him go and when I did, I found true love, real love. And to think, I could have had it along had I not been wasting my heart on xMM. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 MY mental health, sense of well being and peace of mind have returned. Life seems so much more enjoyable and positive. It is wonderful to live a real life and not have secrets from my family and friends. As for xMM... I have no desire to have contact with him again. That door is shut , locked and the key thrown away forever. I feel indifference, which I think means nothing. It's been like giving up smoking. Once I really decided to do it, it was easy. I have made a pact with myself never to go there again and I won't. Poppy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 MY mental health, sense of well being and peace of mind have returned. Life seems so much more enjoyable and positive. It is wonderful to live a real life and not have secrets from my family and friends. As for xMM... I have no desire to have contact with him again. That door is shut , locked and the key thrown away forever. I feel indifference, which I think means nothing. It's been like giving up smoking. Once I really decided to do it, it was easy. I have made a pact with myself never to go there again and I won't. Poppy I never smoked but it's a good analogy. In my case it wasn't easy, but once I made up my mind for good, I never looked back, never broke NC. Much happier but I am also a year plus NC now. It's not easy, but cut contact, hello. You will feel better just from doing the right thing. You don't even seem to really like this guy who you've called idiotic and stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 I can think of SO many positive stories that came after the end. A happy ending means different things for different people but not necessarily finding a guy...some its peace of mind, feeling free, not hiding, not being held hostage to watching your phone and email...finding yourself again. The worst part is the beginning then slowly the fog lifts..you catch your breath...you start to remember who you were and what life was like before him. A new beginning is alot easier if you are the one to end it as well. You can do this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hello234 Posted October 21, 2014 Author Share Posted October 21, 2014 HBIC- Or anyone for that matter-- " What I meant by VLC is very low contact necessitated by work. Months can go by without a need for dealing with him. Then there might be a week where we speak a few times. It's not a pleasant experience. He would resume some sort of shenanigans with me if he could, but I have created boundaries to protect myself. I don't consider him a friend. I have to be friendly in tone to him, but that is as far as it goes. ExMM is a train wreck right now and best avoided as much as possible. " - I would like to know how you set these boundaries for yourself to stay strong when he tries to woo you back? Like what do you tell urself in order to control yourself to not go back to him again? I would looove to be how u described above... But I am a weakling.. I fall prey easily..Ugh..please tell me how to be strong and how to think to not fall prey? Link to post Share on other sites
HBIC Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 My exMM shows character traits that I do not want in my life. He lies. He can be abusive. He drinks way too much. He chases tail. He hurts his wife and shows no empathy. He hurt me and showed no empathy. I remind myself of the above and it helps me to not get sucked back into listening to his woos. I also studied narcissism, sociopathy, and abuse to know what in the world I had gone through and how best to defend against it. I am a ferociously strong person by nature, so kicking the MM habit wasn't that hard. Once I realized what was motivating his behavior (ego trips) it was easy to dismiss his pathetic attempts to get me hooked again. I still care about him, but it's in that sad way of looking at someone who is a mess, shaking your head, and knowing that they put themselves there and they are the only ones that can change their situation. And then I just walk away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 I'm glad to be out of it and glad not to feel those lost and hurt feelings any more. I still have to see xMM occasionally at work -- along with other members of his family -- and it's something I'd rather not deal with. Once I manage to get away from the whole situation, I'll be thrilled. I don't have anything against xMM -- he's actually a good friend -- but I just don't want to see any more of his life, to be continually reminded of what might've been, what was never going to be, to think about how I feel or don't feel, etc. I just want to be somewhere else. The pain is gone. Now I want the continual reminders to be gone, too. Link to post Share on other sites
SusiePie Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Happier? No. why? I'm addicted to him and my drug is gone and I want a hit. Then another hit. Then another. But it is never enough or as good as the first high. When I quit smoking it was HORRIBLE. BUT I knew I had to keep on keepin' on if I ever wanted to be free of its hold. 5.5 years later hells yeah glad I quit. Quitting my MM often feels the same. There was a lot of "Do I quit now? Or later? " same as when I was gearing up to quit smoking. Addiction escapes rational mind. Only way to is to not partake in the substance any longer. The anxiety is a lot better though. Eventually it won't hurt so much. I just wish I could smoke while I'm muddling through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bruzli2 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 To be honest, now I feel a lot eliberated. It took me one year to pass through grief and a new meeting with her just to find out how bad she can make me feel. Still, I pass through a lot of anxiety even now, after so much time. Images about her still pop in my head, sentences or even her name. This triggers a lot of anxiety, but I;m gentle with myself. I think I just need some more time. I also have OCD, so I guess the unwanted thoughts about her are just my condition hitting back on me. Also, I'm into a new, healthy relationship with a lovely girl. So yes, overall(and on the long term) it's better. Link to post Share on other sites
Double D Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I am happier. I do miss her every now and again and MW was kind of the first person I loved but now I feel I have a better (if not complete) idea of what love is and feel our relationship was very intimate but not much depth to it (hope that made sense) As justmebev1 said I do miss the friendship but all in all I am glad it is over. She was not quite want I wanted or needed and how we ended made me very annoyed at he, which I guess I still hold a little against her. Link to post Share on other sites
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