Lonestar Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 I feel the need to vent my feelings this morning. Maybe if I write it down I'll stop feeling bummed out for no good reason. I'm not looking for much in reponses but if you feel like patting me on the head, throwing a hug my way, or saying something to lift me up, feel free. I want to know why I can't shake the feelings for my ex-H. It's been 4.5 years since I first met him and we fell in love. It was a very fast romance that led to a quick marriage and a child. Then it all fell apart as fast as it started. We got back together last June until the first week of January, and since then I've been great with the no contact... up until last week. I don't want to get back with him b/c I know that he'll only sucker punch me again. He's incapable of long lasting intimacy and is a selfish, irresponsible man. He lies and is a miserable person, but there are good qualities to him too, otherwise I wouldn't have fallen in love and married him. I never wanted that marriage to end. I still wish it didn't end and that he could have tried harder, but he walked like a coward. He ran again a couple of months ago after I had opened my heart up to him all over again. I keep looking for some stupid closure, wondering if he still cares, or misses me. I emailed him last week asking if his life was better now without me in it. I got no response. Idiot me calls him the other night. I asked him about it and he said "my life isn't better, it's not anything." He asked me to call him the next day b/c he was sleeping, but I told him to call me if he wanted to talk. He never did. Last night I was getting my digital camera ready to take out with me tonight, and I found pics of us trick or treating with our little girl from last year. It stopped me in my tracks emotionally as a reminder of our family that once was. I had forgotten all about it and never sent them to him, so I emailed the pics to him last night. Just the pics, I didn't say anything. Our daughter is so beautiful. How can such beauty come out of total dysfunction. I want to believe that it wasn't that way. I don't want to get back with him, but I do want to be his friend b/c we have a little girl to raise (she's only 3). This not talking crap or feeling uncomfortable every time I have to pick up the phone to call him about our daughter annoys me. A little respect for my feelings on his part would go a long way. I know that once I finally meet a guy and fall in love again, I won't think about him at all and I'll probably at that point wonder why my heart hung on for as long as it did, but right now I'm lonely and I do still miss the good parts of him. I want it all to go away. I don't want to feel this way anymore. He is the only guy in my entire life that I have not been able to get over and I wish I could figure out why he has a hold on me like this. That's enough stupid rambling from me this morning. Thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
NTB Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 well i feel bummed today too i broke NC and i am screwed for it i am so lost Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by Lonestar I feel the need to vent my feelings this morning. Maybe if I write it down I'll stop feeling bummed out for no good reason. I'm not looking for much in reponses but if you feel like patting me on the head, throwing a hug my way, or saying something to lift me up, feel free. I want to know why I can't shake the feelings for my ex-H. It's been 4.5 years since I first met him and we fell in love. It was a very fast romance that led to a quick marriage and a child. Then it all fell apart as fast as it started. We got back together last June until the first week of January, and since then I've been great with the no contact... up until last week. I don't want to get back with him b/c I know that he'll only sucker punch me again. He's incapable of long lasting intimacy and is a selfish, irresponsible man. He lies and is a miserable person, but there are good qualities to him too, otherwise I wouldn't have fallen in love and married him. I never wanted that marriage to end. I still wish it didn't end and that he could have tried harder, but he walked like a coward. He ran again a couple of months ago after I had opened my heart up to him all over again. I keep looking for some stupid closure, wondering if he still cares, or misses me. I emailed him last week asking if his life was better now without me in it. I got no response. Idiot me calls him the other night. I asked him about it and he said "my life isn't better, it's not anything." He asked me to call him the next day b/c he was sleeping, but I told him to call me if he wanted to talk. He never did. Last night I was getting my digital camera ready to take out with me tonight, and I found pics of us trick or treating with our little girl from last year. It stopped me in my tracks emotionally as a reminder of our family that once was. I had forgotten all about it and never sent them to him, so I emailed the pics to him last night. Just the pics, I didn't say anything. Our daughter is so beautiful. How can such beauty come out of total dysfunction. I want to believe that it wasn't that way. I don't want to get back with him, but I do want to be his friend b/c we have a little girl to raise (she's only 3). This not talking crap or feeling uncomfortable every time I have to pick up the phone to call him about our daughter annoys me. A little respect for my feelings on his part would go a long way. I know that once I finally meet a guy and fall in love again, I won't think about him at all and I'll probably at that point wonder why my heart hung on for as long as it did, but right now I'm lonely and I do still miss the good parts of him. I want it all to go away. I don't want to feel this way anymore. He is the only guy in my entire life that I have not been able to get over and I wish I could figure out why he has a hold on me like this. That's enough stupid rambling from me this morning. Thanks for listening. ((((((HUGS))))))) Love is funny that way. The wound in your heart heals but the scar will remain and every once in a while, the scar will itch. It's ok to be down just don't stay down. You will find someone and the scar will itch a little less. Keep your chin up. Link to post Share on other sites
friskywife Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 <<<<HUGS>>>> You have always been so positive and thoughtful in responses to posts, mine especially, so I hate to see you having a bad case of the blahs! I love how bronzepen put it about old loves, ain't it the truth? Things will get better with just a little time, hang in there ( imagine that silly cat hanging on a tree limb that everyone had in the 70's/80's). Take care of yourself and stay positive for that little one! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lonestar Posted March 11, 2005 Author Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by NTB well i feel bummed today too i broke NC and i am screwed for it i am so lost I feel your pain NTB. We are not the first nor the last humans who will contact an X. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lonestar Posted March 11, 2005 Author Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by Bronzepen ((((((HUGS))))))) Love is funny that way. The wound in your heart heals but the scar will remain and every once in a while, the scar will itch. It's ok to be down just don't stay down. You will find someone and the scar will itch a little less. Keep your chin up. Heya Bronze. Thanks for the love. That's exactly what's happening... every now and then that scar itches like a bitch! I'm not staying down, no way. I just go through this every now and then, but I keep on truckin' I'm heading out tonight with a whole bunch of friends and by then I will have stuck him back in the closet. (((hugs))))) back atcha! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lonestar Posted March 11, 2005 Author Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by friskywife <<<<HUGS>>>> You have always been so positive and thoughtful in responses to posts, mine especially, so I hate to see you having a bad case of the blahs! I love how bronzepen put it about old loves, ain't it the truth? Things will get better with just a little time, hang in there ( imagine that silly cat hanging on a tree limb that everyone had in the 70's/80's). Take care of yourself and stay positive for that little one! <<<hugs>>> back to you, friskywife. I'm doing okay, I really am. I just needed to write down the crap that's been bugging me, so I could release it from my brain. I'll get over it again, won't think about him for awhile, and then it'll get triggered again for some reason. It's a cycle and eventually it will break. I've got lots of friends and potential dates, but there's that part of my heart that wants him and our family back together. I've faced that it will never be, but I was always one to feel DEEP, so getting over things takes me much longer. I really did love this man, not sure if I'll love like that again. Life goes on. Smile BIG Link to post Share on other sites
NTB Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 as much as a hug would be cool i think i need to be smacked around some why can't i get over this dang why did i have to fall in love Link to post Share on other sites
RowanRavyn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 (((Lonestar))) The heart does play tricks doesn't. Curl up for a little while, let yourself feel. Then go scoop up that beautiful little bundle of love and kiss her sweet face. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel when you feel it and then move on. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Hang in there tiger.. Link to post Share on other sites
Donut Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Been feeling down today too, hugs and for all of us! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lonestar Posted March 11, 2005 Author Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by RowanRavyn (((Lonestar))) The heart does play tricks doesn't. Curl up for a little while, let yourself feel. Then go scoop up that beautiful little bundle of love and kiss her sweet face. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel when you feel it and then move on. Feeling much better now already. It's the end of the day on Friday!! Yep, you're right. When these feelings come you just have to ride it out. Thanks Rowan. ((((((((hugs)))))))))) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lonestar Posted March 11, 2005 Author Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by tanbark813 Hang in there tiger.. Hehe, that's your new nickname for me now, huh? Been a busy ass day here at work, so my mind has been occupied. Sorry I couldn't stop by and say hey to my bud today. I'll catch you this weekend! L Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lonestar Posted March 11, 2005 Author Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by Donut Been feeling down today too, hugs and for all of us! ((((((((Donut))))))))))) We're all in this together! I'm in a much better mood now, and I hope your day has picked up too. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by Lonestar Hehe, that's your new nickname for me now, huh? Been a busy ass day here at work, so my mind has been occupied. Sorry I couldn't stop by and say hey to my bud today. I'll catch you this weekend! L I think it's appropriate. No problem. Link to post Share on other sites
prayformydownfall Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 lonestar, u r one of the ppl who r the inspiration for my fightback, thanks to u (and others) i now have my dignity back and i am looking to the future. we all have our hard days but i know in the long term u will find somethin better that you truly derserve!! thank you and keep strong!!! PFMD Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lonestar Posted March 12, 2005 Author Share Posted March 12, 2005 Originally posted by prayformydownfall lonestar, u r one of the ppl who r the inspiration for my fightback, thanks to u (and others) i now have my dignity back and i am looking to the future. we all have our hard days but i know in the long term u will find somethin better that you truly derserve!! thank you and keep strong!!! PFMD Thanks, PMFD. Not sure how I helped, but if I did, that's great. Keep looking to the future and never give up your dignity to anyone else again. Link to post Share on other sites
prayformydownfall Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 just by reading what u were going thro, it made me angry for you, then wen i looked at my own life i felt the same. cant explain it, jus brought something out in me! Link to post Share on other sites
purple21 Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 Yeah - I agree Lonestar - your advice to others have been great - I've been lurking on here for awhile now I'm sorry you still have to deal with the pain but I'm glad you are feeling better - it's good to work through those emotions sometimes - i tend to too much - hehe Look forward to more posts from you - you are great Hope things are well today!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 Errggg I will be going thru the same crap shortly I'm sure. My soon to be daughters dad is a selfish cold arse to. YOu deserve better, don't even waste your time on him, he'll regret it sooner or later but I am positive it will be when it's to late. Does he still contact or have visitation with your daughter? Pay child support ect? Are you legally divorced? Is he seeing someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lonestar Posted March 13, 2005 Author Share Posted March 13, 2005 Originally posted by purple21 Yeah - I agree Lonestar - your advice to others have been great - I've been lurking on here for awhile now I'm sorry you still have to deal with the pain but I'm glad you are feeling better - it's good to work through those emotions sometimes - i tend to too much - hehe Look forward to more posts from you - you are great Hope things are well today!!! Thanks purple21. I'm feeling the today! Good to see you posting now. I've been here since last summer and LS has been very helpful to me, but yeah, I still go through those periods of missing him. Just gotta ride it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lonestar Posted March 13, 2005 Author Share Posted March 13, 2005 Originally posted by Stone Errggg I will be going thru the same crap shortly I'm sure. My soon to be daughters dad is a selfish cold arse to. YOu deserve better, don't even waste your time on him, he'll regret it sooner or later but I am positive it will be when it's to late. Does he still contact or have visitation with your daughter? Pay child support ect? Are you legally divorced? Is he seeing someone else? Hey Stone. Yeah, I know about your situation. It's amazing to me that some men can be so irresponsible when a baby is on the way. Yes, women can be that way too, but right now I'm talking from the point of view of mothers who did not have the support of their SO while pregnant. That was the worst form of rejection I ever felt in my life. Having a baby is supposed to be a magical time, not painful. I will never forget the circumstances surrounding my daughter's birth. Doing it alone was tough. When my X and I got back together last summer, he told me that he did regret not trying harder and working it out. But regret and action are two different things and he never took action to fix anything. I don't think I've ever experienced a bigger coward in my life. He still managed to f*ck it up the second time around with his inability to commit and all the lies. He has visitation with his daughter and is a good father, so I have no complaints there and I get my free time to enjoy myself when she goes with him. We were legally divorced the summer of 2003 and he's usually good with paying child support. He's not consistent every week, but catches us at some point in the month so I don't say anything - not worth it. I don't think he's seeing anyone else. He won't romance a woman or go out of his way to please one, so I can't see any woman getting past the 3rd date. He does have a couple FWB I'm sure, but if I ever saw him romantically involved it would hurt bad. Someday it could happen, which is when you'll see me posting here totally flipped out and pissed off. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 *hugs for you* Hang in there angel. Link to post Share on other sites
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