I Just Have To Get This Off My Chest

[WWDD]

I am one of those jaded guys who has been conditioned by my life experience to hate women. I'm a 25 year old virgin who has never kissed or been kissed by a girl and has never even been on a date.

I can imagine the kind of picture of myself that I might be painting here; Some pastey, zit-ridden, 250lb lump of cholesterol who is glued to his computer with no respectable hobbies or traits and without any kind of social life. In fact, I am nothing like this, so I'm going to try to create a detailed and objective outline of who I am.

 

I'm actually relatively good-looking (or so I'm often told); green eyes, light-brown hair, perhaps I could be taller (5'8”), about 140lb and just slightly on the muscular side. I always dress well, most often wearing smart-casual shirts with blue or black undamaged jeans or trousers. I always take good care of my general appearance.

 

I have a few dedicated hobbies. I'm a musician who mainly sings and plays guitar, but I also play the bass guitar, the violin, the piano and the banjo. I write, record and mix my own music, and at least most of it is pretty damn good.

I also participate in target archery and am an avid reader. I've even started having a go at writing my own novels.

 

Although I'm looking for something else right now, I hold a good job as a marine engineer and company representative.

I'm intelligent, articulate and can hold conversations well. Although a little reserved at first, I'm generally very friendly and amiable (which I've come to learn is something that actually works against me in romantic situations).

 

Although I have no siblings, I have a large extended family with eight cousins that I'm very close to. On top of that, I have a reasonably good social life. The thing is, none of my cousins, friends or acquaintances (male or female) can understand why I don't currently have a girlfriend. Even some strangers I've met at weddings etc. have commented on it. The few of my friends who I've entrusted with the knowledge that I'm a virgin are even more perplexed.

I'm frequently told openly by my female friends that I'm a great catch, that they can't understand why I don't have a girlfriend, that if they weren't already taken they would have snatched me up. I actually think they're being honest with me, but even though they believe what they're telling me, it's just not true.

 

What I've learned is that (here comes a controversial opinion) women are just obsessed with sex, probably more so than men. Women just don't show it or even realize it.

This sounds stupid, but I believe this because the vast majority of them will only have anything to do with guys who are also obsessed with sex. They'll go out for the night preparing to make an effort to avoid the players and pick-up artists, but almost invariably end up going home with one. They'll never have any appreciation or attraction for the modest guy who respects them and wants to genuinely get to know them for who they are, while all of their positive attention goes towards the extroverted and conceited jerks who cop a feel at any given opportunity.

In the same subtle and subconscious way, women are also more shallow than men. The reason this is an uncommon impression is only because it's not based on physical aspects. It's scientific study that women will judge the appeal of a man by his money, car, height, clothes, and even by the drink he'll order at the bar. 76% of women will only date men at least five years older than them. Most women will only date men who are at least three inches taller than them. The statistic that 20% of men are dating 80% of women gives a clear insight into the kind of men that women limit themselves to.

It may seem like I'm generalizing on all this and that I'm just being shallow by founding this opinion on just one wrong type of girl, but I can honestly say I'm basing this on party girls, social butterflies, intellectuals and shy girls alike, regardless of how any of them look or where they choose to kill their time.

 

The problem is that the dating game is rigged against men. Despite all the equality breakthroughs society has achieved in the last few decades, 99.9% of women still believe we live in the 1940's and think it's the man's job to make not only the first move, but all the moves. Men are still left having to take all of the social and emotional risks, to put themselves out on a limb and to risk rejection, while women only need to make themselves look acceptable and simply be present, filtering through the men that approach them. The furthest most women will ever go is using prolonged eye contact and a smile, expecting the man to interpret this as the green light to approach her.

 

I've personally been told by a girl who rejected me (after messing me about and leading me on) that I need to 'build up my confidence'. What boggles my mind about this the most is that this literally came from the most reserved girl I have ever known, so I don't know where she got off saying this despite me being more open and taking a bigger risk than she or any other woman would ever consider. Even though I've been more forthcoming and open than any woman would ever be, it's still not as much as what's expected of me, so apparently I have 'confidence issues'. On a side note, I've learned that being open and honest with a woman is the worst thing I could have done.

 

I admit that I haven't done absolutely everything I could at all times to actively pursue a relationship, and that out of shyness or uncertainty I've sometimes hesitated, but I'm generally open to interaction and would love to know what it's like to be close to someone like-minded, but my experience has left me disillusioned with what women really want from a man.

There are women who will say that they like a 'shy guy', but if there are any women who genuinely feel this way then I would like to know which Martian rock they're all hiding under.

 

I'll also admit that I'm not a 100% devoid of superficiality, because no human being is, but looks are just not as important to me as they are for most people.

When people ask me if I prefer “blonde or brunette?”, I say that I don't care. “Short or tall?”, I don't care. “Skinny or buxom?”, I don't care. “Ethnicity?”, I don't care. “Hippie or goth?”, I don't care.

What matters to me is that we have mature things in common to talk about and that we connect. Because of this, I'm just not attractive to women.

 

I'm not like most guys who just want a hot dumb bombshell to screw. I have no interest in meaningless sex with strangers I've just met, no matter how attractive they are. All I want is something meaningful that I can share with someone who feels the same way.

The strange thing is that leaves me perfectly fitting the description of the kind of guy that women say and think they want. But the problem is that it's not what they REALLY want subconsciously.

As far as I (and my female friends) can tell, I am that contrasting and unique guy that so many women claim they want to break away from the usual guys for. Yet, here I am typing this up.

 

I've actively tried for relationships a few times. If I haven't been treated with preemptive dismissal, I've been pushed, pulled, lead on and used just for an ego boost (by more than just one type of woman).

The depressing thing is that this has left me feeling uncomfortable even referring to myself as a man, as I don't think I've even earned that description. The best I can do is say I'm a 'guy'. What's infinitely worse is that I'm the 'nice guy'.

When out and about, I occasionally find a girl looking at me, making eye contact and smiling. An interesting side note is that the number of women I catch looking and/or smiling at me in a single day while I'm wearing a suit (looking like I'm worth a bit of money) actually exceeds the number of looks and smiles I'll get in a month dressed in my usual clothes (and like I mentioned earlier, I dress relatively well anyway). But ultimately after auditioning me, they all determine that I'm a 'nice guy' and good friend material, because I don't create the emotional soap opera for them that they don't even realize they crave. Instead, I end up appealing to women similarly to a brother, a puppy or an expensive pair of shoes. I don't even get to choose which of the three I end up being.

 

The fatal problem for me is that although I'm considerate and chivalrous, I'm not an openly sexual or flirtatious guy. This is why no woman will ever feel any real attraction for me, and it's just one big vicious circle since I have no reason to feel any different about myself until they do, which they won't. Another vicious circle is that, being a virgin, no woman would ever go near me on a romantic level, and even if I never mention being a virgin to them, they seem to be able to just sniff it on me, and being a virgin is like woman repellant. The intimacy and trust issues that have built up because of this just get worse and worse, hurting my chances further. Like I said, I'm the 'nice guy', and every girl knows that nice guys don't need love. They don't need validation. They don't need someone to talk to late at night when they're wondering what the point of their existence is.

 

Of all the girls who have rejected me, I know with utmost conviction that I'm kinder, smarter, funnier, more thoughtful, deeper, original, more moralistic and generally have more to offer than the next ten guys any of them will date put together. I only wish that any of them would ever realize this.

I also know a handful of guys in similar positions to me, and I can say the same thing for most of them. They're just better men and better human beings than anybody that most women will ever consider dating, and it's bizarrely why they won't date them. The most tragic thing is that, again, it's unlikely any woman will ever realize.

 

I acknowledge that men are definitely not the only ones who get unfairly hurt in relationships, but as harsh as it sounds, it doesn't need to have as much of a long term impact on a woman. If a woman is hurt and has her confidence destroyed, all it does is slow her life down for a while. She'll still be approached and romanced by the same number of men until her confidence has been built right back up to where it was before, but it's not the same for a man. A man's confidence is expected to just self-replenish, so those of us who's confidence has been stunted by being hurt and used at an early stage before we've learned to self-replenish it in this way are left permanently and irrevocably scarred.

 

What actually disgusts me is the way women instinctively approach dating.

Men are in two main categories; Some just want meaningless sex with a hot chick, but most want a harmonious and meaningful relationship with someone they can connect to. Women say they want this, they think they want this, but it's not what keeps them happy. They want dissonance and emotional confusion.

Women treat the dating game as a competition, but not one with other women. Instead, it's a competition with the very guys they're dating. If a guy appreciates and respects her, it's embedded in her psyche to put herself above him, lowering his value in her eyes and condoning herself to treat him accordingly. On the other hand, if a guy is conceited and flippant, she will perceive him as independent and indifferent, placing him in a position of high status and desirability.

Dating and relationships are only conflicts of status and one-upmanship because that's what women make of them. Of course, all women will eagerly deny this, but actions speaks louder than words.

I can't blame women for being this way, as it's simply how they're emotionally wired and socially conditioned to hunt for the modernized and distorted idea of the alpha male.

 

At this stage I'm so broken down by my apparent lack of masculinity and humanity that whenever I catch a woman looking and smiling, the best I can do is politely smile back and continue on with my day. I just can't afford to set myself up for the inevitable pain anymore.

 

I am jaded and bitter as a result of the lack of any kind of honest or genuine romantic attention shown or reciprocated from any woman throughout my life. I don't want to be this way, but I just can't help it, as it's left me where I am in this Catch-22 situation having missed a fundamental train. No woman will ever have anything to do with me romantically now because I'm damaged goods, and with the intimacy issues I have because of it, no woman would have the patience anyway. I've had to learn that I will never be in a relationship of any kind and will be truly alone for my entire life, however long I allow it to be. I've recently suffered the biggest blow of all and have given up any hope for good to preserve what's left of my emotional stability before it's sucked out by the next girl. I'm left constantly working hard to accept within myself that I will always be alone, knowing that I can never be loved.

 

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone with this, but it's just the only remaining way that I can explain the lifetime of emptiness I'm stuck with, and learning to accept my inability to be loved beats the hell out of hurting myself by trying any more.

Edited October 21, 2014 by WWDD

[jeffmeyers]

Wow wall of text.

 

 

Yeah you definitely have... issues.

 

 

You must give out some sort of vibe or akwardness that make most women rule you out as a potential bf. If you share your thoughts on women in public, you'll definitely send them running.

 

 

Listen, hundreds of millions of people mingle, start relationships, families. Sometimes it works out, other times it doesn't. You can not blame your failures on women, when it works for millions and has worked for millenia. Obviously, there's something wrong with you, it could just be how you present yourself, but man that resentment is not a hot look. I hope you don't show that side of you.

 

 

As for solutions, it's hard to say. Try not to be desperate for companionship, that's a killer, people can smell desperation from a mile away. Mellow out.

 

 

If you're such a great guy but lack good social skills, maybe an indirect approach would be better. Dating site, chat or other online options to allow you to meet and chat up people, but hide your personal awkwardness behind the screen. It's no guarantee, but you could meet someone, give her a chance to get to know you, take it slow and who knows?

[Standard-Fare]

You wrote too much here for anyone to digest completely, but from skimming your post I got a serious whiff of bitterness if not downright disgust (you used that word, not me) toward women.

 

If you're approaching dating with that attitude of skepticism and resentment, it makes sense that you're not succeeding. It sounds like women are "guilty until proven innocent" with you.

 

I also don't think poor self-esteem is your problem. I don't get that vibe from you here at all. In fact, you seem almost arrogant in some respects, i.e. believing you're at your core "better" than most men.

 

You need to work on softening this chip on your shoulder, so you can go into dating situations with more of an open mind.

[Mrin]

Ok I read most of that. A couple of thoughts:

 

1. Ya, you got some issues and at least you know it.

 

2. I know you said you aren't interested in just sex but I gotta tell you, dude you need to get laid. First, it will help your confidence and comfort level around women. Second, you'll learn a lot about how to act around women and third, when you do yourself in a relationship with a woman, it won't all be new territory for you.

 

3. Think about going to see a therapist to help work through your issues. Can't hurt!

 

 

Best of luck!

[WWDD]

Wow wall of text.

Yeah you definitely have... issues.

 

 

You must give out some sort of vibe or akwardness that make most women rule you out as a potential bf. If you share your thoughts on women in public, you'll definitely send them running.

 

 

Listen, hundreds of millions of people mingle, start relationships, families. Sometimes it works out, other times it doesn't. You can not blame your failures on women, when it works for millions and has worked for millenia. Obviously, there's something wrong with you, it could just be how you present yourself, but man that resentment is not a hot look. I hope you don't show that side of you.

 

 

As for solutions, it's hard to say. Try not to be desperate for companionship, that's a killer, people can smell desperation from a mile away. Mellow out.

 

 

If you're such a great guy but lack good social skills, maybe an indirect approach would be better. Dating site, chat or other online options to allow you to meet and chat up people, but hide your personal awkwardness behind the screen. It's no guarantee, but you could meet someone, give her a chance to get to know you, take it slow and who knows?

 

I knew I'd get a response like this, and I completely get it.

 

I definitely agree with your comment about giving a vibe. I've always known that I must give some kind of energy off that suggests that I'm awkward. I'd have thought by now that somebody would be willing to look past it, but.........

 

I certainly don't share these thoughts with ANYBODY I know. I'm always too careful not to hurt anybody's feelings, which also seems to be a strike against me. I just had to vent the way I feel somewhere.

 

You're totally right that I shouldn't blame my failures on women, but to fail implies that you've been given a chance to try to begin with. I've never gotten far enough to 'fail'.

 

I've always considered my 'indirect' approach to be the attraction killer, but there ya go.

 

I've only been 'desperate' for companionship in recent times. In fact, my hesitation is what's been my biggest problem at times. I'd already learned not to bother with the idea of a relationship when I was told by a collection of people at work that a girl there had a crush on me, and after weeks of insistence from these people I started to believe that maybe I wasn't doomed for a lonely death. So I tried, and found out that we really had a ton in common, and I really grew to like her, but despite her being really open and enthusiastic to make plans all the time, this girl just messed me around, and messed me around, and messed me around. She would agree to make plans and make suggestions and a day, and then go all vague when it came to setting a time. When I would back off, she would insist that she wanted to continue with these plans, but then go vague and difficult again. Eventually I'd had enough. I told her how I felt and that we should stop meeting up if she didn't see a relationship. Her response was that she was never interested to begin with and that she only saw me as a friend. With the way this 'friend' treated me, and how I was apparently duped into making a fool of myself for her, I don't know how I can trust anybody again with this last straw.

Edited October 21, 2014 by WWDD

[quidproquo89]

Right matey... I am the same as you. I've had trouble finding women, I've been rejected, been lead on, mistimed and not seen what I could have had until it was too late countless amounts of times.

 

I have had issues with this in the past too. Why have you never been on a date? Do you ask any girls. You have to chat with girls, not always with a agenda but it builds your confidence and communication skills.

 

I have had luck with dating this year because I have been using OLD and sending interesting messages to girls which has got me dates. I've sent 500 messages to get a handful of dates but that's what OLD is. I have worked on how I present myself, the way I stand, speak. How I approach people, situations and myself. How I deal with situations and problems. Doing these things well make you a better and more confident/qualified person.

 

I got a date with a girl because she liked the way I carried myself/didnt slouch lol. She was a bitch but that is irrelevant lol.

 

I've had a date with a girl that comes to my shop. We had chatted on and off for a year before I asked. So look at the people who surround you everyday.

 

I've been chatting to a girl who lived here but unfortunately moved back to Czech republic, but one day she wants to come back so I've set a seed in her mind by flirting with her.

 

I live in a tiny town with little prospects so I have used OLD heavilly. I am currently setting up dates with two girls.

 

Try to join clubs, play sports, go out with friends, look about your workplace, take up an evening class, go back to college, use OLD. These are all strings to your bow. By using these opportunities to go out, not only will you improve your chances but you will build confidence.

 

Do you have a good friend that will go out to pubs, clubs/events with you to give you support. I think this would help. But dont go out for the sole purpose to find girls just keep your eyes open and take opportunities.

 

You sound like a decent guy, good looking, successful and you play music etc. Your a catch but your tied up by your own inexperience, insecurity and this nice guy attitude.

 

I am a good guy, not a nice guy and not a jerk. A good guy. I hold doors open for people and I do good deeds. I do not let people talk down to me, mistreat me or use me. I'll drop them or shout at them before that happens. Be the good guy not tye nice guy.

 

You don't need to worry about the next girl rejecting you because there will always be others. A trick I have learnt recently is- when your chatting with or getting to know a new girl is. Don't stop at her. Look at other girls and chat with other girls (not whilst shes there lol). By not hooking all your hopes on one woman you are allowing yourself to not care as much whihc makes you more confident and more attractive to her.

 

I am chatting to as many women as I can to keep my options open and more importantly to protect my core so that as soon as one of them drops you, I am ready to move on immediately.

 

You are right to have these issues as you have had no luck. but take it from me, I am in the same boat as you and I am willing to keep putting myself out there. You've got to learn to not let rejection get to you so much. Every alpha male, super model, beta male and so forth has felt rejection at some point or another.

 

When you are talking to, texting or dating a girl dont let your neediness creep in. If she doesnt repsond to a text quickly don't send another. Dont text all the time. If your talking to a woman keep it light and if humour canh be placed - wonderful!

 

Women are human beings too dont put them on a pedistool. Another trick - think of the person you really get along with and that makes you laugh and happy. Take that feeling and let it fill you with joy. Use that joy as a laid back confidence when you are chatting with girls.

 

You are attractive, smart and intelligent enough to get the girl but sometimes you just gotta wait for that opportunity to arise.

 

Chin up my good friend, you'll be okay. Keep going out there and find ways to improve your confidence. Learn from all that life throws at you!

Edited October 21, 2014 by quidproquo89
mistake

[WWDD]

2. I know you said you aren't interested in just sex but I gotta tell you, dude you need to get laid. First, it will help your confidence and comfort level around women. Second, you'll learn a lot about how to act around women and third, when you do yourself in a relationship with a woman, it won't all be new territory for you.

 

Best of luck!

 

I said that I have no interest in MEANINGLESS sex...........

[IronZ]

You might be "good looking" or whatever it is you describe yourself as, have a nice job, dress well, intelligent, blah blah blah, but that will get you nowhere if you don't know how to put yourself out there and talk to women.

 

You say you've never even been on a date. That tells me you don't even try. Dating isn't that hard. Join a dating site and shop yourself around a little while, you'll get plenty of matches if you're all the things you say you are. You need to gain a little confidence in yourself and learn how to approach women so that they don't get a creepy vibe from you.

[BluEyeL]

I've got to tell you that I don't know any negative people, men or women, who tend the blame the opposite gender, be succesful in dating and relationships.

 

The common denominator is you. You cannot change reality, or other people, or you have control over is you. You make things happen. You need therapy.

 

I know girls who think like you, men are all arseholes blah blah blah....and they're just lonely, bitter and heck, as a woman, I don't want to be around them, how can a man want to?

 

You think you don't tell people your thoughts but trust me, it comes out without you intending to, your negativity comes out and it's VERY unattractive.

 

Nobody owes you anything and you have control over your own behavior and life. Choose what's right for you and stop worrying about other people and what's fair and what's not fair. If you don't, you'll never get anywhere in love.

[Natsu21]

Dude, there have been men who are less "successful" money wise than you and they are getting women.

 

You're just coming off as negative, which is never attractive.

[oldshirt]

Interesting thesis. You are correct on a number of things but I do believe you are wrong on some others.

 

Here's some food for thought - go to a circus and do a little snooping around behind the scenes. At some point you'll see a huge African Bull elephant tied up to a regular fence post via a little scrawny length of rope. The elephant could easily snap the rope or pull out the post without hardly even trying. The reason he doesn't do it is from the day he was born he was chained up with a big heavy log chain anchored to a big heavy post sunk deep into the ground.

 

Being a highly intelligent creature the elephant learned and remembers that when the shackle is on his leg, he can't go where he wants. Though a highly intelligent and aware creature, what the elephant fails to grasp is the changes that take place as he develops and the changing conditions of his restrictions. In short, he doesn't realize his own strengths as an adult, nor realize his shackle is no longer a thick steel chain to a solid anchor.

 

So too is the case with many young men. There is no question that the smaller, less good looking, less athletic, less assertive and less socially adept young men watch from the sidelines as their taller, more assertive, more competitive peers get all the girls in the opening innings of the game.

 

What many of these late bloomers fail to grasp though is two-fold. They often fail to grasp the meanings of their own development and fail to recognize their own strengths and abilities like the elephant. Intelligent creatures are often quick to realize how the world works and recognize their limitations and restrictions, but some can become rigid and absolute in their thinking and fail to recognize changing conditions.

 

What many young men can fail to recognize is the changing values, mores and objectives of women as they grow and develop.

 

The girl that only had eyes for the quarterback and only spread her legs for the assertive and cocky bad boys at 18, now recognizes and appreciates the determination and stamina of that serious kid in class that is now completed his education and is embarking on a meaningful and challenging career and has been able to enter adulthood with a life plan and has been able to avoid criminal convictions, drug and alcohol abuse and who's income is not being directed to child support for illegitimate children he fathered but has no contact with.

 

Many men do not come into their stride until mid 20s. I didn't until almost 30. Some of the best years of my life were my mid to upper 40s.

 

When that girl told you to be more confident, what she was really saying was - " you are a 3 ton bull elephant, snap that string around your leg and go where you want to go in the world."

 

She was telling you to live your life as the man you are today and not as the boy you were years ago.

[oldshirt]

I said that I have no interest in MEANINGLESS sex...........

 

There really is no such thing as meaningless sex. Sex always means something.

[Natsu21]

interesting thesis. You are correct on a number of things but i do believe you are wrong on some others.

 

Here's some food for thought - go to a circus and do a little snooping around behind the scenes. At some point you'll see a huge african bull elephant tied up to a regular fence post via a little scrawny length of rope. The elephant could easily snap the rope or pull out the post without hardly even trying. The reason he doesn't do it is from the day he was born he was chained up with a big heavy log chain anchored to a big heavy post sunk deep into the ground.

 

Being a highly intelligent creature the elephant learned and remembers that when the shackle is on his leg, he can't go where he wants. Though a highly intelligent and aware creature, what the elephant fails to grasp is the changes that take place as he develops and the changing conditions of his restrictions. In short, he doesn't realize his own strengths as an adult, nor realize his shackle is no longer a thick steel chain to a solid anchor.

 

So too is the case with many young men. There is no question that the smaller, less good looking, less athletic, less assertive and less socially adept young men watch from the sidelines as their taller, more assertive, more competitive peers get all the girls in the opening innings of the game.

 

What many of these late bloomers fail to grasp though is two-fold. They often fail to grasp the meanings of their own development and fail to recognize their own strengths and abilities like the elephant. Intelligent creatures are often quick to realize how the world works and recognize their limitations and restrictions, but some can become rigid and absolute in their thinking and fail to recognize changing conditions.

 

What many young men can fail to recognize is the changing values, mores and objectives of women as they grow and develop.

 

The girl that only had eyes for the quarterback and only spread her legs for the assertive and cocky bad boys at 18, now recognizes and appreciates the determination and stamina of that serious kid in class that is now completed his education and is embarking on a meaningful and challenging career and has been able to enter adulthood with a life plan and has been able to avoid criminal convictions, drug and alcohol abuse and who's income is not being directed to child support for illegitimate children he fathered but has no contact with.

 

Many men do not come into their stride until mid 20s. I didn't until almost 30. Some of the best years of my life were my mid to upper 40s.

 

When that girl told you to be more confident, what she was really saying was - " you are a 3 ton bull elephant, snap that string around your leg and go where you want to go in the world."

 

she was telling you to live your life as the man you are today and not as the boy you were years ago.

 

clap! Clap! Clap! You, my friend, cheered me up! Thank you!

[smackie9]

She was telling you to live your life as the man you are today and not as the boy you were years ago.

 

This./\/\/\/\/\/\

 

OP you would become a much better person if you let go of all the things you have experienced that makes you see the world in such a negative state. As of now life will keep feeding you lemons, it's up to YOU to make lemonade.

[Discjockey80]

Women are attracted to men who express desire for them. These other men do that. You restrain your desire for them and they cant feel sexual around you much less desired in any way.

 

 

You don't seduce with rational self pride. You seduce with emotions and aggressive desire for 'her'. Let yourself go, relax and be the man that makes you comfortable in your own skin and you'll have a woman in no time.

[Discjockey80]

She was telling you to live your life as the man you are today and not as the boy you were years ago.

 

 

Bingo! This is golden. This one line. And this is SOOO much easier than you are making it our to be OP.

[quidproquo89]

Interesting thesis. You are correct on a number of things but I do believe you are wrong on some others.

 

Here's some food for thought - go to a circus and do a little snooping around behind the scenes. At some point you'll see a huge African Bull elephant tied up to a regular fence post via a little scrawny length of rope. The elephant could easily snap the rope or pull out the post without hardly even trying. The reason he doesn't do it is from the day he was born he was chained up with a big heavy log chain anchored to a big heavy post sunk deep into the ground.

 

Being a highly intelligent creature the elephant learned and remembers that when the shackle is on his leg, he can't go where he wants. Though a highly intelligent and aware creature, what the elephant fails to grasp is the changes that take place as he develops and the changing conditions of his restrictions. In short, he doesn't realize his own strengths as an adult, nor realize his shackle is no longer a thick steel chain to a solid anchor.

 

So too is the case with many young men. There is no question that the smaller, less good looking, less athletic, less assertive and less socially adept young men watch from the sidelines as their taller, more assertive, more competitive peers get all the girls in the opening innings of the game.

 

What many of these late bloomers fail to grasp though is two-fold. They often fail to grasp the meanings of their own development and fail to recognize their own strengths and abilities like the elephant. Intelligent creatures are often quick to realize how the world works and recognize their limitations and restrictions, but some can become rigid and absolute in their thinking and fail to recognize changing conditions.

 

What many young men can fail to recognize is the changing values, mores and objectives of women as they grow and develop.

 

The girl that only had eyes for the quarterback and only spread her legs for the assertive and cocky bad boys at 18, now recognizes and appreciates the determination and stamina of that serious kid in class that is now completed his education and is embarking on a meaningful and challenging career and has been able to enter adulthood with a life plan and has been able to avoid criminal convictions, drug and alcohol abuse and who's income is not being directed to child support for illegitimate children he fathered but has no contact with.

 

Many men do not come into their stride until mid 20s. I didn't until almost 30. Some of the best years of my life were my mid to upper 40s.

 

When that girl told you to be more confident, what she was really saying was - " you are a 3 ton bull elephant, snap that string around your leg and go where you want to go in the world."

 

She was telling you to live your life as the man you are today and not as the boy you were years ago.

 

I love it, perfect answer! I am currently beginning to find my stride as a late bloomer

[Keenly]

Even though most of what you said is correct in a literal sense, everyone will.fight you tooth and nail because it doesn't fit the narrative.

 

 

Just keep doing what your doing, live your life. You may not understand quite yet but women in your life will bring all kinds of new problems that are difficult to deal with. Yeah there are more positives than negatives to relationships and dating, but don't even worry about it.

 

 

Just live your life. When you get older, the women of your age bracket will change their checklist from one that is more fun and experience minded to one that's more practical for family and life in general. The desire for drama fades ( or is at least put to the side ) and both sexes come together to the mutual goal of not being a pain in the ass.

 

 

 

You've already established to yourself that you've made it this far without women. Who says you need them now?

 

Do what I did. Opt out of dating. Don't play the game. Don't chase women. The ones that make you chase them or play their games or check their boxes are not worth the effort.

 

 

A woman worth your time will make it pretty clear they are into you. Once you have that obvious green light, and I mean its a really... really obvious green light, you can decide how to proceed, probably by dating her.

 

 

Just keep the hobbies and the friends, ditch the attempts because they are a waste of time. Let the clock tick. When your 30+ the playing field changes.

[WWDD]

For those who say I'm arrogant; I'm REALLY not. If I were, I honestly think I'd actually have more luck....

I've approached dating with a sense of hope and naive optimism whenever it's been so much as a glint on the horizon.

Like I said, I wasn't always this bitter and sobered. I've just been a non-entity in the dating world, who has been walked all over too many times.

 

When I was describing how I look, dress etc, I was only clarifying that I'm otherwise a completely normal guy. I'm not one of those guys you can smell at twenty paces, or wears clothes that are more hole than fabric, or has a face that resembles a potato. It was only to spell out that there's nothing ridiculously undateable about me. In fact, if you were to meet me and chat with me for an hour, you'd never believe that I'm the same guy who typed all this.

 

You can all hate on me all you like, but I just had to vent my frustration and bitterness on an anonymous medium since I would never share such bold or honest opinions in reality for the fear of offending anyone I know. I'll say again that you wouldn't believe it if you met and talked to the guy who typed this.

 

I really appreciate the constructive thoughts on letting go of the past, but I've simply missed the train on all this. Any girl above the age of eighteen is expecting someone with more experience than I have, so I'd rather save myself the further embarrassment.

 

I've just reached a point where I can't afford to invest anymore.

[preraph]

I couldn't get through all that, but your point you made starting off is really all there is to know: You were raised to hate women. So you're 25. Your brain is now fully developed. You still have a bunch of issues with women. If you ever want to be with a woman, it's time to begin regular therapy. You're smart and you know where a lot of this came from, but now it's time to let a professional guide you through exorcising a bunch of it. Good luck.

[BlueIris]

You've already established to yourself that you've made it this far without women. Who says you need them now?

 

I think there's something to be said for this. OP, I didn't hear you really longing for a partner, which is fine, if it's true.

 

Don’t take this as hating on you… But maybe you don’t want to date or find a mate.

 

Storytelling: I dated a 50 year old man who told me that he had never loved someone who loved him back. This was after 6 weeks of seeing each other a few times a week and talking every day, and getting along, or so I thought. So, when he told me that, I hugged him, gave him a big kiss and said I really liked him. That was because I assumed he wanted mutual love and I wanted to assure him that it was possible because I did like him. But he was repulsed when I did that, and I mean very visibly so, and a few days later broke up with me. (Well, of course he did!) Maybe he saw it as overly sexual, shallow or sleazy. I'll never know.

 

But, my point is, maybe you don’t want it and if that’s true, you’re not alone. You might not have the same perspective the guy I knew had, but some people just don’t want what others assume they want. Maybe you view women in the dating context negatively because you don't want to date and partner up with someone.

[oldshirt]

You seem very rigid and absolute in your thinking and in your interactions. My hunch is that you are highly intelligent, have very keen observational skills and have a very detailed and maybe near photographic memory. My guess is your emotions and your memory are tied very closely together. There for you have very emotionally invested memories of slights and insults and personal rejections you have experienced in the past.

 

This has resulted in a very rigid format in your mind of what "works" vs "what doesn't work". You are much like the character of Sheldon on the TV show ' The Big Bang Theory.' He is very rigid and absolutist in his beliefs do to his knowledge of how things have played out in the distant past.

 

I have visions of you being slighted or rejected by a 15 year old girl at the big dance in March of 2005 in favor of the boisterous jock. Those memories are still fresh in your mind and the dynamics and algorithms of how the events came to pass are well imbedded in your memories.

 

The problem is it is now 2014, you are now and educated, gainfully employed adult male with clear skin as the acne cleared up in 2008 and that self-centered, entitled 15 year drama queen is now also an educated and socialized adult who has learned humility and has learned to recognize and appreciated the qualities in other people.

 

And for all we know, that jock may now be working the night shift in the warehouse at Costco and hitting the bar and getting drunk talking about his glory days every morning at 8 o'clock on his way to his one room apartment from work.

[Diezel]

WWDD is going to be the man at 35 who will have just women launching themselves at him in an attempt to settle.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

You couldn't be any more wrong. I can bet all my wealth that he was raised to worship women. However, once he stepped into the real world. He saw women for what they really were and his opinions changed.

 

He doesn't hate women. He's simply stating the truths about them. That doesn't make him a bad person and the truths weren't bad things about women either. It's just what makes men and women different. Simple.

 

Pray tell, what are we really? Because I read his first post and nothing in there described anything remotely recognizable to me as a woman.

[Natsu21]

I think he's implying women love drama.

 

He's not exactly wrong. Just not ALL women.