Lost friends after husband died

[Timshel]

Hi everyone, I am new to this site but I thought I would try reaching out about something that has been hurting me for a long time. My husband died a year and 1/2 ago and since he passed all my "friends" have disappeared. I don't mean that they came around and I was miserable and drove them away. I mean they never came around at all. I am baffled and hurt and just recently strong enough to even talk about it (here.) Has anyone else had a similar experience? Have you had a friend who lost someone and maybe could give me some insight as to why things have happened this way? I feel really abandoned and I know I have to let it go and move on with life, but not understanding why people would behave this way bothers me all the time. Thank you!

[livingnightmare]

Sorry to hear about the loss of your husband.

 

I haven't been through what you have been through, I did go through what was a very traumatic breakup for me or how I handled it and can relate to being abandoned by friends, those I considered my best friends. When I needed their support they turned their back on me. I know how alone that can make a person feel.

 

In my eyes the reason anyone can abandon a friend in a time like that is because they are simply not a good person. A call from them, a chat, a few words of strength anything just company so a person doesn't feel so alone, it shows how selfish and self absorbed people can be.

 

Since my friends abandoned me (I went downhill first living a bad life style drinking etc to cope because of feeling so alone, I got out of that) Now I try to choose my friends very carefully, I dont test them, but I need to know they are real friends and their actions let me know they are and the ones I do have now are real friends for me through thick and thin. It is very true when they say you can count your real friends on one hand.

 

I know its hard, I really can relate to this type of abandonment from the people you thought would be there. Just understand that if people can treat people like that you are much better off without them in your life, there are some horrible people out there.

[Timshel]

Thank you. Do you really believe that people are that selfish? That if your not a good time person, they walk away? I do know that none of my friends have been through losing a spouse and they are all married. They have lost parents, so have I and I wouldn't know this if I had not been through it but losing a parent is traumatic, losing a spouse is absolutely devastating. Maybe they just have no point of reference?

I don't know, when I think of it in terms of how I would have acted, I am blown away. I can't picture myself being so cruel, even if I wasn't really close to a person. At least a phone call, a casserole, something. My conscience would bother me if I didn't.

The worst part that is still really raw for me is that maybe it's my fault. Maybe I'm a jerk with no insight and I just can't see it? Maybe after he died, they just couldn't see themselves tolerating me without him

I don't want to be a bummer, i'm stronger now, but I haven't talked to anyone about it and I guess I need to get it off my chest.

Edited October 21, 2014 by Timshel

[d0nnivain]

I too am very sorry for the loss of your beloved husband.

 

Many people can't deal with death. They don't know what to do or say so they disappear for fear of saying the wrong thing.

 

Have you reached out for them? Pick up the phone & say I miss you. Would you like to come over for coffee or go out to dinner or whatever . . .?

 

You may also have to try making new friends. If you are not already in one, join a bereavement support group. Check out groups like the Elks. I know by us, when someone shows up after a loss, there are whole hosts of people ready to distract them & to share the loss because they have felt it too.

[Timshel]

I did reach out right after he passed I called a couple who were friends of ours and asked if they could come visit, that I could use a hug. I remember I was crying during this conversation, it had only been about a week. His friends response to me was "I can't do that, I would get in trouble at home." Me: What??? (mind blown). I asked for both of them to come together please. All I got was they felt really bad for me and couldn't even imagine how hard it was. That's it, they never came or called me after that. I went into despair isolation after that. In the last few months I've reached out to a few but with little response. Now it seems everyone is so busy and don't have time to see me. But I know that people make time for things that matter to them.

 

Thank you for your input. I know I don't have any real friends, I question whether or not to tell people that I am a widow for fear that they won't want to talk to me. I guess I am thinking, I should stay to myself and not try. The compound hurt has burned me really bad. I don't know if I believe in people anymore.

[Personally Me]

Hi Timshel,

 

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

 

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 25 years about 8 years ago.

 

Break ups do this for many reasons, too. But losing a husband by death has many profound differences.

 

People are scared. It opens up their own vulnerability and feelings of life and death.

 

People may think you need time alone to grief.

 

People may not know know to help you.

 

Even family have difficulty how to support you. They want you to go through the grief as fast as possible and see you happy again.

 

Most people dont realize this type of grief has no time limit, only those that have been through this can understand.

 

I was very involved in my husband's friends and he was the one that brought new friends into our circle. He was an extrovert and I was an introvert. When he passed away, I was faced with this, too.

 

A family friend told me that couples having marital problems would view me as a threat. Do you remember the program of firefighters adopting a widow after 9/11. It went bad, too many firefighters ended up having affairs and leaving their wives for the widow.

 

I don't think it is so black and white that people seemed to disappear.

 

I have one very close friend of 25 years. She moved to Egypt shortly after my husband died. We talk about everything and I miss our friendship of seeing each other and doing things together. I met her on my own and maybe that is why we remain best friends.

 

I am in a relationship now but we are reconciling, now. It's very hard on me. I have plenty of free time. I am friendly and can easily talk to strangers but haven't figured out how to make a friend.

 

I have only read your first post and respond. I responded to that but I am new here, too. My first attempt didn't go through because I didn't log in. Now, I see there has been many posts since then.

 

Don't be too hard on the people that seemed to disappear. We don't know how they are processing this. And because, we might do things differently if someone we knew was experience a loss of a husband, we can't expect everyone to do the same.

 

I hope this helped.

I could use a friend and it sounds like you could, too.

So, let's keep chatting.

[Copelandsanity]

It's through times of crisis when you realize who your true friends are. I've had a couple of friends who I've known and spent time with for years who didn't acknowledge my invitation to my dad's funeral nor invite me to their wedding. I don't hold it against them; I still hang out and have fun with them in a group setting, but I also recognize that they're not one of my close or reliable friends.

[Timshel]

Hi Personally Me- Thank you,

You have lost a husband like me, that means a lot to for your input. My husband and I were the same, he the extrovert, me the introvert. I am very friendly to people, I just have trouble initiating. We made a great team socially and I haven't had to make friends with people since college, so I feel lost in that regard.

 

Wow, that is horrible that the widow program turned out like that. It seems strange to me though because in the time since my husband passed, having another man in my life is the furthest from my mind. I actually do not want that and don't know if I will. I have read things on widow sites about married women feeling threatened by widows, sheesh, if they say so but it's over my head. Have they taken a look at him lately, really, come on! Our couple friends did act so weird when I reached out to them. What a bizarre thing to say to someone right after their husband dies. Like a week after his death I'm on the prowl for my friends husbands. It still irks me a lot when I think about it.

 

Mostly it has hurt me more than I can say. I know that you and the other posters are right. People are coming from their own places and 98% of it is not personal. It's one thing to be logical but another to have that stop the pain.

 

Thank for being so understanding. Of course I would love to "chat" more.

[Personally Me]

Hi Timshel,

[Personally Me]

Hi Timshel,

 

I am glad you feel the connection I feel. It helps knowing you are not alone and someone understands what it is like.

 

It is hard to make friends after college. It was a different time and a different life. This is how I met my best friend.

 

I smile easily and polite but shy in the beginning of any type of relationship. People do gravitate towards me but I don't know what to do with it or what to do next.

 

Don't give up in believing in people...

 

These couple friends are limited and it's not about you. You are not being a jerk, can't be tolerated without your mate. Don't blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. You lost your husband that was all.

 

I haven't any friends nearby. Partly is due to becoming a widow, being an introvert, moving away, not feeling connected.

 

I had a friend from a workplace, years ago. We had different lifestyles but we got together with our common interests once in awhile. The surprise was when I was caring for my husband in his last months at home, she was there for me and amazing.

 

We keep in touch through Facebook, just simple things like following each other. Last year, she lost her long term boyfriend and posts much about the ups and downs she is going through. I don't want to evade her space and I just do LIKES and when she is down, I comment to give her encouragement and understanding. She always pressing LIKE but hasn't commented back. I have offered that she call me anytime she wants to talk and she LIKED it. But I don't think she is ready.

 

I am going to sign off here and see if this gets posted. I have tried two times with length replies but they aren't going through.

[Ronni_W]

Timshel,

I'm glad you have found a friend in Personally Me...we just do have to love LoveShack! And I am so sorry for your loss of your husband.

I do not have a direct experience, but my Mom became a widow at a very young age, and felt similarly "abandoned" by especially my Dad's most close and loyal friends. They simply did not know what to do and how to deal with THEIR OWN loss and grief; nevermind try to comfort a young widow and her two pre-teen children. It was too much for them to manage at levels with which they were used to managing. Not to mention that they still had their own young wives and families with whom to deal, and their own "life stuff" of jobs and mortgages and trying to pay the bills on time.

People are coming from their own places and 98% of it is not personal. It's one thing to be logical but another to have that stop the pain.

You are SO right...logic does not stop emotional pain. However, if you can find for them and their fears and sense of inadequacy, some small measure or degree of understanding it may help within yourself. It may help to consider that they are perhaps or most likely feeling their own lack of support and friendship toward you, and feeling incompetent and guilty and "bad" because of their inability to step-up as they most likely want to and, up until now, thought themselves capable of doing.

 

It is, of course, SO MUCH MORE of a difficult and incomprehensible time for you. But for them also, similar feelings and emotions, only not at a fraction of intensity. Life-changing for all who loved your husband. Only "life-changing" with very different meanings and consequences.

 

My most sincere condolences.

[Personally Me]

Ronni,

 

Your insight is right on.

[Ronni_W]

Ronni,

 

Your insight is right on.

Thank you for saying so, Personally Me. It was a long time ago...just about 40 years...and I was only 13. But sometimes...it's like it was just yesterday...or I am still just 13 (I'm not sure which, or if those are necessarily mutually exclusive.)

 

Regardless, at this moment, I really appreciate you for having posted the message that I quoted. Thank you.

[Personally Me]

Hi Again, Timshel,

 

I have figured out why my posts didn't go through...I had to check the "Remember me"...seems to be working fine now.

 

So, I will continue a little bit of what was on my original replies.

 

I actually do not want that and don't know if I will.

 

I was in a rebound relationship of 3 years, shortly after my husband passed away. Being with someone was the furtherest thing from my mind, too. This man was one of my husband's best friend and pursued me at a vulnerable time in my griefing. It started innocent enough, he said I needed to get out of the house and took me out for lunches. He knew I loved my husband and said it would be an honor to pick up where my husband left off. With that, I agreed for the wrong reason. I was so lonely, I thought we had a connection with griefing for my husband, I thought I would gradually fall inlove with him and I wanted to escape the pain. He lead the way and I just followed. We split up with a mutual understanding.

 

After that I went back into that delayed grief that I set aside. Delayed grief has happened to me a few times. I went into isolation for a year.

 

Very unexpectedly, I meet a man and we fell inlove immediately. He didn't expect to find real love again and neither did I. He lost his wife of 35 years and got into a rebound relationship that resulted in two children.

It's not that your heart has only room for your husband, it grows and makes room for love. We love each other so deeply and it doesn't take away from how we loved our past mates. It's actually overwhelming to experience this.

 

Even though, we are working on our relationship. I have come to realize that our greatest fear is losing each other. I believe this is because we lost loved mates and very sensitive to that. I think this is where our conflicts stem from, many times. Reconciling is real tough, but I hope to get through this, as well.

 

It's way too soon to know if you want that or will want that. But my experience has shown me that it could happen. Just stay away from rebound relationships ....I should have continued with the griefing process and not entered a relationship with a family friend.

 

Hope to hear from you soon.

[Timshel]

Hi Ronni W- Thank you for your insight. It is strange how some situations in our lives are so profound that we have the feeling of recall that it was only yesterday. I'm sure that time must have been difficult for you and your mother and now with distance has made you a more thoughtful person. Thank you for sharing that with me.

 

Personally Me- I am glad that you have found a meaningful relationship now despite your loss. Life does march on doesn't it. The year after my husband died has was nothing short of surreal. Now time has made me stronger and brought me back from the dead, so to speak. I'm sure you remember, it's kind of like waking up from a coma or deep sleep. I barely remember the 10 months after he died. I have two young children to take care of, my house was taken care of, I paid the bills, bought groceries, etc.. but I can't remember anything specific about it. My mom had to tell me how old I was because I forgot my birthday. I was a year behind!

 

As far as finding new love goes, I am not opposed to it, only skeptical a person I could love enough to feel romantic with will wander into my life. I think if it happens it does and if it doesn't that's ok. Not a priority. I have always been that way though. Love always found me, I was never looking. As far as a rebound goes, never gonna happen. I get why people have that, but I've never wanted a relationship just to have one. Never minded being alone. Now more than ever, it just feels safer to be careful who I let in.

 

I am much more concerned with friendships. I do have so much I want to give but feel (what is the word?) kind of like disenchanted, umm when the rose colored glass come off and you see the not so pretty truth. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

 

I guess right now I think that trying to explain how I have felt is like trying to tell someone what it is like to have a child. It really is something you have to walk. Words will never tell the tale. If I can't explain it then it is unrealistic of me to expect any other person to be able to know what I need.

 

What do others think of this?

[preraph]

I'm so sorry people have just left you on your own through this. I know people have busy lives, but real friends would be available at the times you need them most.

 

I'm going to suggest you google your town and "group grief support" and get into a grief counseling group. Get in one that is led by a professional. Otherwise, I have a feeling it would get mired down with some hogging all the time. This group could be at a church as long as the person leading it is truly trained and assertive enough to keep things in order. Otherwise, got for a group led by a psychology professional. I think this will not only benefit you on the grief but also supply you with a roomful of future friends with whom you have a great deal in common. Best wishes.

[Timshel]

Hi Preraph- that is an interesting log in name, I'm sure there's a story.

That is my problem I think in a nutshell. My isolation has left me to sort through everything on my own. I don't think I'm doing a totally crappy job, but it has to be skewed.

 

I did look into support groups and the only available is through hospice, where my husband died of brain cancer. Problem, they only have sessions during the week, at night. With my two kids, the only time someone could watch them would be on the weekend. It seems a little odd as I am sure I am not the only one with this problem, lost spouse=single parenthood, but I guess they don't want to work on the weekend either, lol.

 

So that is what prompted me to write in the first place, to get other people's logic and opinion lest I fall into another depression over it. Already the comments have shown me 1. Other people have had similar experiences (so maybe I'm not a nutcase.) 2. Other people can not be expected to rise to the occasion and are without malice. Although I have got to say, it sure felt like it.

 

In all fairness, there are some details that I have left out. The reason that I was drawn to this site in the first place. I am not sure if they are relevant to my question, but I am starting to think that maybe they are.

 

I don't know if anyone thinks I should give more background or if what I have said is enough.

[preraph]

It's always hard to work in extracurricular activities, but sometimes you just have to not put yourself last. I know money is probably an issue too. Keep googling around in case you missed something there. The main reason I think it would be helpful is to meet people who can replace those crappy friends of yours. But it's not the only option. If you're working your way through the grief and can't attend grief counseling, at least get involved on the weekend or whenever with some social group, whether that be church or one of the many meetup groups to just make friends or whatever. I know for a fact there are a lot of single mom groups that can provide various support and the occasional babysitting, done back and forth. It's a start and might free you up to then attend something at night once in a while.

 

If you google "meetup" and your town name, it will come up with all types of groups, from friend groups to dating groups to hobbiest groups like kayaking or ghost huting, or reading groups, play-date groups, groups for women under 40, etc. I think it would do you good to get involved with some new people at this time.

[Personally Me]

Hi Timshel,

 

You sound like you are getting back to being yourself. Yes, I understand losing track of time after your husband's death. I did the same thing, not knowing how old I was, not remember the year or date of his death. I was walking around like an empty shell and doing what was expected of me.

 

It's nice to know you are not completely alone with caring for two children. They are love and hope.

 

It looks like you got some insight why people seemed to cut you out and hopefully that makes the pain and disappoint lessen.

 

I think you are ready to make new friends but not sure know to go about it, as I am. And not wanting to get hurt again. I have always been very careful who I let into my life, too.

 

I have made small attempts to get involved with the community. Signed up for a membership for a centre for adults, 50+...

I didn't feel so comfortable there, like I didn't belong. It's a clicky group setting. I thought I would have lunch their one day and the ladies just stared at me like I was an intruder. I don't look like I belong there because I look way younger than I am...good genes. I am petitite and look like I am in my forties. I have been told that when people try to guess my age. I take care of myself and told I am beautiful often by strangers. I am happy with who I am and how I look, but I think this is hindering me to be accepted in 50+. It's very strange.

 

Then, I thought I would sign up for one of their yoga classes. I didn't feel a connection mainly because an exercise person. And to concentrate on quieting my mind to do the exercises was not working for me. I wasn't enjoying it. It was brought to my attention that I don't need more challenges in my life and new things are challenges, too. I have stopped going to the classes and I do feel okay with that.

 

Also, having to work at being accepted into these clicky groups of women is again a challenge that I don't know if I can do, right now. Maybe, I will try going there for lunch again and see how it goes.

[whichwayisup]

Hi everyone, I am new to this site but I thought I would try reaching out about something that has been hurting me for a long time. My husband died a year and 1/2 ago and since he passed all my "friends" have disappeared. I don't mean that they came around and I was miserable and drove them away. I mean they never came around at all. I am baffled and hurt and just recently strong enough to even talk about it (here.) Has anyone else had a similar experience? Have you had a friend who lost someone and maybe could give me some insight as to why things have happened this way? I feel really abandoned and I know I have to let it go and move on with life, but not understanding why people would behave this way bothers me all the time. Thank you!

 

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

You did absolutely nothing wrong! Shame on your so-called friends for bailing on you and not being there helping and support you during your grieving and worst time of your life. To abandon someone like that is hurtful and awful!

 

It means they cannot handle your sorrow and sadness. Can't handle death and the 'afterwards'. Maybe it's fear related, to their own demise or going through something similar in their futures, so they ran from it.

 

All I see are cowards and shi.tty friends!!

 

I hope you have joined a bereavement group to help you and have support. And that your family is there for you, any parents or siblings.

 

Hugs and again, sorry for your loss.

[Timshel]

Hi Personally Me, how is your relationship going? I sometimes wonder if I ever do become involved with someone, would I compare that person to my husband. I had such a deep and beautiful bond with him. Sometimes I think I'd never be able to live with someone again for that reason. I do hope that you are happy with your current love.

 

Yes, having the kids has been a Godsend. Taking care of them has given me strength and purpose. I do realize it would be good for me to start being social and not have my life revolve so entirely around my children.

 

That's kind of what brought my attention to the fact that I have no one and that all my "friends" had disappeared. I see what you are saying about feeling uncomfortable in new groups. The few times i've found myself with other women, they seem so stand offish and make no effort to include me or explore friendship. I don't know if women really are so catty/snobby or maybe there is something they don't like about me. It doesn't make me want to throw myself out there, being still emotionally weak. Poor men, we women really can be super bitchy. Also, since I am still relatively young, everyone is married, busy with family and their established group of friends. It kind of feels like, they belong to a tight-knit club that is not accepting new members, lol.

 

WhatIsUp- Thank you, everyone one here has suggested bereavement groups which I would definitely do if I could find one to attend. I really have looked pretty thoroughly, unless they are a secret club? I would need to have private counseling. I'm not sure if I want to do that. Not against counseling, it used to be my field of study, but I don't think the one on one process is what I need now. I do need community. A group sounds great.

 

I am an introvert so being gun-shy on top of being naturally terrified of putting myself in a room with strangers does hold me back. Here's a kicker, I would go with a friend, one friend would give me courage enough to try something.

 

I kind of know what I should do if I want to put myself out there and make new friends. I think at some point I will. I was hoping for you guys to help me try to resolve the issue/baggage of being abandoned by everyone during what was literally my darkest hour. I don't want to bring that hurt with me moving forward. I think my hurt, distrust and sensitivity could block people from being able to reach me. Does that make sense? I guess kind of like having a horrible break-up and then taking it out on the new one kind of analogy.

 

So I guess my question would be, how do I let go of it? I honestly don't know what I would do or say if I came face to face with one of these people. Not a big town, it's bound to happen. But also, how do I forgive? Do I take some of the blame?

[whichwayisup]

WhatIsUp- Thank you, everyone one here has suggested bereavement groups which I would definitely do if I could find one to attend. I really have looked pretty thoroughly, unless they are a secret club? I would need to have private counseling. I'm not sure if I want to do that. Not against counseling, it used to be my field of study, but I don't think the one on one process is what I need now. I do need community. A group sounds great.

You're welcome.

 

Have you checked with your local hospital? Or a church? What about group counseling, usually those who lost someone to death, are group related. My mom went to one after my dad passed away.

 

I am an introvert so being gun-shy on top of being naturally terrified of putting myself in a room with strangers does hold me back. Here's a kicker, I would go with a friend, one friend would give me courage enough to try something.

 

It's tough and I get what you're saying. I'm not introvert but I do suffer from anxiety (at times, it's under control now) so I know how hard it is to talk in front of a group of people that you don't know. The thing is, all those people are in the same boat as you - you all share that pain and can relate to it, so it'll bond and help you all. Try it. I'm encouraging you to go! you can do this! Don't let fears get in the way.

I kind of know what I should do if I want to put myself out there and make new friends. I think at some point I will. I was hoping for you guys to help me try to resolve the issue/baggage of being abandoned by everyone during what was literally my darkest hour. I don't want to bring that hurt with me moving forward. I think my hurt, distrust and sensitivity could block people from being able to reach me. Does that make sense? I guess kind of like having a horrible break-up and then taking it out on the new one kind of analogy.

I makes sense and it takes time to work through that pain and being abandoned like that. How about writing each of them a letter - but don't send it. This is therapeutic for you, to release that pain and forgive them for being selfish a-holes. It may help give you closure and also close that chapter of your life with them and give you hope for new friends.

 

So I guess my question would be, how do I let go of it? I honestly don't know what I would do or say if I came face to face with one of these people. Not a big town, it's bound to happen. But also, how do I forgive? Do I take some of the blame?

 

If you see them, ignore. None of them are worthy of you!

[Timshel]

Whichwayisup- Thank you, sorry I messed up your name! ^^

[Personally Me]

Hi Personally Me, how is your relationship going? I sometimes wonder if I ever do become involved with someone, would I compare that person to my husband. I had such a deep and beautiful bond with him. Sometimes I think I'd never be able to live with someone again for that reason.

 

I am going to post how my relationship is going in a new thread...

 

I had the same questions when I was in the rebound relationship and thereafter when I tried online dates.

 

My best friend helped answer that question for me. I can't recall her exact words about relations but...

There are all kinds of love and each love is different.

It made me realize we can be open to receiving love and giving love, without losing the love and bond I cherished with my husband.

 

You will compare the differences and be attracted to a man that has similar qualities and values as your husband. I have gotten myself into trouble thinking my boyfriend will behave and interact with me the same way as my husband. These are two different men and two different kinds of love. When I embrace these differences, I am much happier. I see so many wonderful differences, too. I see so many things that are uniquely us.

 

I know you are not looking to replace your husband and that's a really good approach. This will keep you away from rebound relationships, as you said you will never get into a rebound relationship.

 

It kind of feels like, they belong to a tight-knit club that is not accepting new members

 

Yes, it does feel that way, sometimes. Getting into a "tight-knit club" has never appealed to me for the same reasons you mentioned.

 

I get along with men better. They either like you or they don't. You know upfront.

I was raised by my father, who was a positive influence in my life. My brother and I have a bond and close in many ways. I had 9 uncles when I was growing up and saw at family gathering. I was around how males behave and interact, then women.

 

If I befriending a man, this would not be okay with my boyfriend. I wouldn't want him to befriend a new female friend either. I have read on some posts encouraging both to have individual opposite sex friends. I don't think it really works in the long run for a lifelong relationship.

 

It seems to work for the younger generation, sometimes. But from post I have read, there are many downfalls to this approach with the ones involved getting hurt and feeling betrayed in some way.

 

I have one son that when he tried to keep in contact with female friends, that the girls became catty with each other. And some times, it ended up more than friendship.

My other son is very good at having female friends and will not enter or continue one, if he thinks the girl wants more. He is separated now, but he still will not "lead a girl on".

Both sons had complications with female friends when they were in relationships, just different ways.

 

Sorry, I went off topic.

[whichwayisup]

Whichwayisup- Thank you, sorry I messed up your name! ^^

 

That's okay. I kinda like whatisup! Catchy.

 

Hope you're doing okay today.