Gambling husband continues to lies and risk loosing his familiy, what to do?

[mailee]

Hi,

 

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and I have always known that he loves to gamble a little at the casino. Until 5 years ago when my son was born, I found out that he secretly gambles with borrowed money from banks and relatives. He has lied to everyone about why he needs the money and has fraud signatures to borrow from banks. When I found out, he asked for forgiveness and promised not to get into debt troubles again. However as time goes by, I had 3 other children and he stills hides the gambling and continues to lie about where he's been and where most of the money has gone. It worries me all the time and I had just found out that he has borrowed more money from banks against our home for gambling and he believes what he does is OK as long as he is hard working. He said that if he can't do the only thing he enjoys than what is his reasons for working. This is coming from a 37 yrs old man with 4 young children under 6. I have given him many chances to stop the gambling and the lying otherwise I will be leaving him but all this does'nt seem to have worried him as he continued with his gambling addiction. I have grown to not trust him any more but I still love him and wants to give him another chance, however I feel that empty threats does'nt seem to work with him. So I have ask him to leave and he has today but I feel so devastated, hurt and lonely and wants him back again. Besides the lying and the gambling, he is a good father and is good to me. What should I do? Is there anyone out there with a similar situation?

[HokeyReligions]

If he truly has a gambling addiction, there is nothing you can say to him to force him to change, and no promise he can make and keep. Have you googled for gamblers anonymous? Perhaps there is a support group near you. If he won't get help, let him go. He will just keep dragging you down with him. It will hurt, but in the long run you and your children will be far better off.

[nordanvind]

Your husband definitely has a gambling addiction, and he should really be in some kind of teraphy for it. I suggest that you give him an ultimatum. Either he gets help for his gambling problem or you leave him. It's up to him then to decide what's most important in his life, his gambling or you.

[ww]

once a gambler ...always a gambler

trust me.

they never lose this habit

[sami]

Help him. Take him to counseling and therapy..

[ww]

I don`t believe it will help.

As I said they never stop gambling.

It is stronger than they are.

They will lie, hide facts and risk everything ...just to feel the thrill of risk taking.

[tokyo]

Having a father who gambles and who does give the same excuses as your husband, I can only recommend you, either get him into therapy or kick his ass out to wake him up. 4 small children to feed and still giving his addiction nice euphemistic names is clearly not indicating that he's on his way out of this misery nor willing to try. Does he feel embarrassed about it at least? If you want to overcome an addiction, you should at least be able to face it and admit it to yourself that you have a problem and I can't see how someone with a big family and heaps of debts can't see that there's something wrong.

 

You and your children will suffer because of the debts and the lack of emotional support at home as things only turn around him. I honestly don't care how many problems you have, when you decide to have children you should do your utmost to care for them and he's clearly not doing it. Also Mailee, I think your focus should be your children and not your husband. Having children grow up with not seeing their dad often is hard I guess, but I can't imagine having a dad at home who means trouble for you and them is a lot better, that's also not a happy family. Cut your losses, before it destroys you and the future of your children.

 

Talk with him about therapy, If he refuses, then you will have to leave him to make him see the consequences of his actions, because if there's no kind of punishment or whatsoever, there's no reason for him to stop. Unless he hits the bottom and falls really hard, he will think that he can continue with his self-destructive behavior.

[moimeme]

Gambling is another addiction that grabs hold of the addict and keeps him in its clutches. Absolutely toss him out - he may need to hit a horrible low to get enough motivation to straighten out - or he may not. It's sad and awful that people become addicts but until they come up with a drug for that (and I'm serious and it would be worth it), you have to hope that something will spark his desire to change. Your tossing him out might do that.

[liswil]

If you don't get out legally, he'll take you down with him. A friend of mine has a husband who has done the same thing. HER credit is ruined now. He even opened new charge cards signing her name with his. He had the statements mailed somewhere eles, etc.. She's staying married to him becuase they have small kids and she knows at this point she'll be in worse shape financially if they divorce.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by liswil

If you don't get out legally, he'll take you down with him. A friend of mine has a husband who has done the same thing. HER credit is ruined now. He even opened new charge cards signing her name with his. He had the statements mailed somewhere eles, etc.. She's staying married to him becuase they have small kids and she knows at this point she'll be in worse shape financially if they divorce.

 

Let him pay alimony.

[liswil]

Kooky: They can't get money out of someone who doesn't have it.

[tokyo]

I don't know much about the US legal system, but wouldn't the State then have to in his place?

 

And what's her point in staying with him if he doesn't have money? Wouldn't she be better off without him ruining her name and causing her emotional distress everytime she comes home?

[liswil]

He has an ok job right now but she'd have less (she figures) separately than together. She couldn't live in the house they live in, it would disrupt the kids lives, etc....

[tokyo]

Hm, I really know too little about the legal background of marriages and divorces to be able to tell what is better, to stay or to leave him.

 

Sometimes I think that people underestimate their potential to make it on their own and they accept the emotional distress. because they think they wouldn't be able to manage it on their own without realizing how much of their energy goes into dealing with this stress and how draining it is to fight against it every day.

[liswil]

Sometimes I think that people underestimate their potential to make it on their own and they accept the emotional distress. because they think they wouldn't be able to handle it on their own without realizing how much of their energy goes into dealing with this stress and how draining it is to fight against it every day.

 

 

 

Very true! I was in that position myself several years ago.

 

Also people would rather stick with something that isn't too great but is familiar than to try for something better that is unfamiliar.