I think this is the End of it.. Very depressed..(Updated)

[sunburned]

I know my husband will be hurt if I continue to talk to MM..i know..

 

But I am also very scared about my mental well being if I completely cut of MM, unless I loose the feelings I have for him... I am so scared I will dive into depression and go crazy... at the same time I don't wanna hurt my husband..so I thought at least for a few weeks I wont be in touch and then slowly maybe I can just transition into friendship mode and no affair...

 

how else can I save myself from depression at the same time, not let my H feel bad??

 

Too late for that!

[sunburned]

Something is off in your story. I wonder if the whole thing is made up. There are so many different stories here, but I had yet to read ONE from someone this cavalier after her H learned of her A. And I respect that everyone handles things differently but your H's reaction (or lack thereof) as you've described it doesn't seem realistic.

 

Nonetheless, I am going to respond like your story is real. It is crummy to feel someone dumped you especially when you had so many chances to dump him (all pronouns universal).

 

That one tiny shred of dignity still on your floor can be picked up by blocking him everywhere and not responding ever. You are so overly concerned with appearances, how can you not see that?

[hello234]

Am I in love with him? Please tell me no.....

[sunburned]

ITs so hard and painful, day 3 of NC with MM. The one thing that's lingering in my mind is that, I got so much attention from this man and it was sooo beautiful, our interactions, our talk, our romance, sweetness..UGH..its sooo hard to let go of all that!! HOW DO U DO IT? its like a craving...I wanna feel that good feeling..and I get depressed that I cant have that and need to let it go myself.... How can I get the same feeling with my husb?

 

And what sucks is that I donno MM as deeply since I don't see him everday, don't live live with him, so I am seeing all the good and charming side of him which is making this really worse for me...That's partly why i feel like i should be in touch- So that i can know more about him and see the REAL him and then I wouldn't have a misconception that hes awesome. I feel like OK I can go NC, but till now he has pursued me so much, he does like me a lot, and it felt so beautiful , this crazy 'love' if u wanna call it... and what if he looses those feelings after months of not being in touch? What if I "lost" him? Would it be like I sacrificied and let go of something that made me happy?

I hate to break it to ya, but it isn't going to take him months. Women get attached much more readily than me. You might pine for months. By Sunday, he'll be on the couch, scratching his b*lls and watching the game.

 

You have remarkably used your "mental health" and your "hope" of seeing a more negative side of him as excuses to continue contact. He's a serial cheater. How much more of the REAL him do you need to see?

 

Unbelievable.

[Be_Strong]

Well, the most obvious solution is for you to stay busy with whatever will distract your mind from thinking about MM. When you are alone with just your thoughts, that will be the hardest time.

 

I've found that one of the hardest aspects of NC for women is the fear of the AP moving on or falling out of love with them. Typically this isn't as much of a problem in the early days of NC, but at around one month, this will really eat at you. Based on what you wrote, it appears this is already a concern for you. The difficulty with NC is that you are essentially treating a loved one as if they have died, except you know in you mind that they really haven't died. When you are tempted to make contact, you need to continually focus on the negative repercussions of such contact and how they outweigh any minimal feeling of satisfaction that you temporary could gain by breaking NC.

[Lurkeraspect]

ITs so hard and painful, day 3 of NC with MM. The one thing that's lingering in my mind is that, I got so much attention from this man and it was sooo beautiful, our interactions, our talk, our romance, sweetness..UGH..its sooo hard to let go of all that!! HOW DO U DO IT? its like a craving...I wanna feel that good feeling..and I get depressed that I cant have that and need to let it go myself.... How can I get the same feeling with my husb?

 

And what sucks is that I donno MM as deeply since I don't see him everday, don't live live with him, so I am seeing all the good and charming side of him which is making this really worse for me...That's partly why i feel like i should be in touch- So that i can know more about him and see the REAL him and then I wouldn't have a misconception that hes awesome. I feel like OK I can go NC, but till now he has pursued me so much, he does like me a lot, and it felt so beautiful , this crazy 'love' if u wanna call it... and what if he looses those feelings after months of not being in touch? What if I "lost" him? Would it be like I sacrificied and let go of something that made me happy?

 

All of your posts and numerous threads scream...Me, me, ME! You sound like a 16 year old with a crush on her BFFs boyfriend, yet you say you're a woman, who is married, made vows to your "sweet hubby".

 

Please do yourself and your husband a big favor. Divorce. Admit to yourself that you're not mature enough to take those vows and commitment seriously, that at the end of the day, it's about your happiness and comfort. You've been asked many questions (in an attempt to make you look at things from a different perspective) yet you ignore those, and continue with more of the same, nonsensical, circular, self-centered talk.

 

You were used, for sex. This "relationship" happened because you have poor boundaries, and low self esteem. He was never, is never going to leave his marriage (just like you aren't) for you. It was an AFFAIR, not a flowery, loving, life altering relationship. He had his fun, it's over. Who blocks who, when, is pointless. Yet here you are for the umpteenth time, all shook up over just that.

 

Please tell me there are no children involved in this mess.

[Bittersweetie]

Hello, from your posts it seems like your interactions with OM were less like love and more like an addiction. You are addicted to the rush he gave you and made you feel, and that's what you're missing. The rush of those "interactions, romance, sweetness."

 

You truly want to break the addiction? Every time he pops in your head, think of something negative. Every time you want to moon over some kisses, think of who you betrayed with those kisses (your H, yourself). You want a rush? Go eat a chocolate.

 

And I'm not trying to be flippant. NC is hard, I've been there, I see now I was totally addicted to the rush my xOM gave me. Truly, just take it one day at a time. You can make it one day, right? Are you strong enough for that?

[hello234]

Hello, from your posts it seems like your interactions with OM were less like love and more like an addiction. You are addicted to the rush he gave you and made you feel, and that's what you're missing. The rush of those "interactions, romance, sweetness."

 

You truly want to break the addiction? Every time he pops in your head, think of something negative. Every time you want to moon over some kisses, think of who you betrayed with those kisses (your H, yourself). You want a rush? Go eat a chocolate.

 

And I'm not trying to be flippant. NC is hard, I've been there, I see now I was totally addicted to the rush my xOM gave me. Truly, just take it one day at a time. You can make it one day, right? Are you strong enough for that?

 

 

- thanks for the suggestions... WHat about you? are u NC now? How long did it take u to get over and come out of the addiction? How did you loose the attraction and desire for MM? I think that's my biggest thing.. I should start thinking of embaressing demeaning things about him... is that what you did? I need to loose that likingness...

[MissBee]

Start with marriage counseling I'd suggest as well as individual counseling.

 

I don't think anyone here can truly help you to be honest.

 

I think you need to in the offline world go seek counseling with your husband and well as on your own. That will help with NC as if you're busy learning about your self and your marriage you won't have as much time to sit around worrying about MM.

[sunburned]

In my original reply, I meant to write the word "men" (not "me") as the last word in the second sentence. I apologize. Too late to edit. Sorry

[Red123]

Am I in love with him? Please tell me no.....

 

I say this with kindness but no I don't believe you are in love. You appear obsessed with him. I don't know how old you are but when I read that your A has only been about 5 months I was shocked. The way you post it looks like you are very young for one, with minimal experience with relationships, but also as though you have been having an A for years. 5 months is a very short amount of time to fall in love especially when you only know them part time, which is the most this A can offer you. Other posters have commented that the mm will probably be moved on very quickly and it makes sense due to the length of the A alone, you should do the same and stop with the obsession,sorry but I doubt he is obsessing about you in return.

[hello234]

Actually, an update... Ive not been talking to him for 3 days now. He emailed me yest like I said I didn't reply. TOday he texted me, I didn't reply. So, I am not the one going behind him , even though internally I am sad..But it makes me more drawn to him as it shows he has no EGO, as he keeps coming to me even though I ignore him.. which makes me wonder- are all of ur MM like that too? Egoless? and keep pursuing u even after u try no contact? or is it just some special quality in my MM?

[Bittersweetie]

- thanks for the suggestions... WHat about you? are u NC now? How long did it take u to get over and come out of the addiction? How did you loose the attraction and desire for MM? I think that's my biggest thing.. I should start thinking of embaressing demeaning things about him... is that what you did? I need to loose that likingness...

 

I have been NC just under five years. I would say it took me a few months to get over xOM. I had a d-day and that kind of killed any feelings I had for xOM. xOM had said some nasty things to me, and that's what I thought of when he would pop in my head. I also pictured my H's face on d-day. You get the idea.

 

It's really all up to you. It may not be easy, but if you choose to not think about xOM, then you won't. Especially since there do seems to be an addiction aspect here. But if you make that choice to stick with NC and focus your energies elsewhere, your mindset will change. Good luck.

[hello234]

Actually, an update... Ive not been talking to him for 3 days now. He emailed me yest like I said I didn't reply. TOday he texted me, I didn't reply. So, I am not the one going behind him , even though internally I am sad..But it makes me more drawn to him as it shows he has no EGO, as he keeps coming to me even though I ignore him.. which makes me wonder- are all of ur MM like that too? Egoless? and keep pursuing u even after u try no contact? or is it just some special quality in my MM?

[Dontfindme]

Actually, an update... Ive not been talking to him for 3 days now. He emailed me yest like I said I didn't reply. TOday he texted me, I didn't reply. So, I am not the one going behind him , even though internally I am sad..But it makes me more drawn to him as it shows he has no EGO, as he keeps coming to me even though I ignore him.. which makes me wonder- are all of ur MM like that too? Egoless? and keep pursuing u even after u try no contact? or is it just some special quality in my MM?

 

I'm sure he has an ego - he just doesn't care about being respected in your eyes.

[A.Moscote]

He knows what satisfy him most, and he pursue it, and he put his satisfaction at the top, above other values. Rejecting you when things can get messy, then reach out again when he needs to, when there is a chance.

 

That is how I see it, and in case my view is right, then would it still sound egoless and attractive to you? More like too much ego and selfish to me.

 

Anyway I hope you will not reciprocate his actions. Be strong, focus on your goal. You can make it out of this unjust and deception.

[peaksandvalleys]

Am I in love with him? Please tell me no.....

 

No and seek professional help. PLEASE!

[MuddyFootprints]

you are in something, but it's not love.

 

Infatuated, most likely.

 

I don't know if you have been introduced to limerence yet, but you might want to do some reading on that.

[Cressida]

Actually, an update... Ive not been talking to him for 3 days now. He emailed me yest like I said I didn't reply. TOday he texted me, I didn't reply. So, I am not the one going behind him , even though internally I am sad.(...) it shows he has no EGO, as he keeps coming to me even though I ignore him.. which makes me wonder- are all of ur MM like that too? Egoless? (...) is it just some special quality in my MM?

 

Girlfriend. How would WE know if there's some 'special quality' in your MM? C'mon now......seriously.

 

Have you said/done/written something to him, to prompt him to contact you? Didn't you say you had blocked him/you guys had blocked each other? How is he contacting you and what did he want when he reached for you? What'd he say?

 

I think you are NOT in love with this man, you are probably a 'passionate' person looking for the thrill that has withered in their marriage.....you thus project fantasies of passion and love onto someone else, at very high risks...please try to address the situation objectively.

 

There's no 'mystery' behind him contacting you, perhaps he isn't that afraid of being caught as we all initially thought. Perhaps he just wants to know if the waters have settled in your home so you two would resume your 'relationship'.

 

Why don't you try to make it work with your husband, as it is obvious you are not in love with this man, but it's more a matter of ego, self-esteem, and a childish game.

You are married, you have a partner to be there for you. I was completely alone and that's what makes it much harder to give up on the person you're in an affair with. Don't risk your mental health, inner peace, even future, marriage, etc. for a little romp and a guy whose weapon is Facebook....come on now. How old are you two? You sound very young indeed.

 

Just do yourself a favor and leave this guy alone, what is it that draws you to him? Was it the sex? The future-faking? I don't understand how come this game you two are playing is impacting on you so much. If you focused on something else, things would settle down and would be so much easier to deal with. Don't torment yourself over this.

You could email him and tell him to please stop contacting you, that you are married etc. If you don't put an end to this, at some point you'll be tempted to answer him and start again, just to see what happens...

[whatatangledweb]

I am very confused. You were all upset thinking he would feel he dumped you. Now he is contacting you so it is the perfect time to block him so he knows you ended it.

 

You say you are not divorcing but how do you know that your husband will not once he finds out you have contact with the MM?

 

Also you are doing exactly what your MM is doing so I don't get the insults at him. You are insulting yourself at the same time.

[sunburned]

Actually, an update... Ive not been talking to him for 3 days now. He emailed me yest like I said I didn't reply. TOday he texted me, I didn't reply. So, I am not the one going behind him , even though internally I am sad..But it makes me more drawn to him as it shows he has no EGO, as he keeps coming to me even though I ignore him.. which makes me wonder- are all of ur MM like that too? Egoless? and keep pursuing u even after u try no contact? or is it just some special quality in my MM?

 

No your MM is not special nor he is ego-less (that made me laugh). He is desperately trying to get you to feed his ego. I agree with What A Tangled Web. You are so very concerned with perception. And now you have been given a great opportunity to end/block once and for all. If you don't respond, you have reclaimed your power. You win. If you do -- even to tell him to stop contacting you -- your power still belongs to him.

[Cressida]

I am very confused. You were all upset thinking he would feel he dumped you. Now he is contacting you so it is the perfect time to block him so he knows you ended it.

 

That's exactly my point. Hello234, you said that what bothered you was the possibility that he perceived you as the 'loser' and himself as the one who got away with 'rejecting' you, and that was a sort of an ego thing that you didn't want to happen. So, if he contacted you and you can now block him or even write him an email asking to be left alone, THEN block him, wouldn't this give you the 'upper hand' in your view, and settle your mind?

 

I really believe this is a matter of ego rubbing and stroking....this isn't a relationship and you know it in your heart. You should focus on your 'hubby' and forget about this dude.

[herself]

I know many of us here have a lot to say to our ex MMs.. after a relation is over.. and theres just so much to say, but the more you say, the more you feel aggravated, etc..and then MM responds, and u respond back etc..its never ending...

 

After I told MM that we will take it easy on our relation in general for awhile because my husb found out, he still emailed me wishing me today for some religious festival we have going on... I am frustrated because, my poor husband knows about it and the MMs wife still doesn't know and he is nicely here on the side emailing me and trying to get back into this whole thing with me. His wife is "fine with us being in touch" of course she is, she doesn't know its an affair..and I don't wanna look low by telling him to tell her, so whatever..But I am just bit upset and irritated that he thinks he can email me and get a response and continue this freely as his wife doesnt know..but what abt my hubby? He is the one who suffered cuz he knew...and if I continue he is the one getting hurt, not that wife of his, she doesn't care who her husb flirts with it looks like... so I just didn't respond this time.. last time I did but I did not reply now, considering my hubby's feelings.. Let MM also suffer a bit wondering why I didn't reply.

 

I mean I am not sure I want MM completely out of my life, I am ok with friends..but for now I did not reply to his email..maybe I will wait 2 weeks and then be like sorry, wish the u the same.. and etc..keep it general.. u know?

 

Ok well you were concerned with who cut off who and who blocked who...there's your answer...you got his contact..so now take the power that you didnt email HIM and be done.

Your really mixed up cause you want friendship with him but got mad he emailed.

He didn't sound like he was trying to continue A...he wished u well for religious event.

[hello234]

I think the answers to this post will be beneficial to many of the MW out there trying to get over their (ex) MM.

 

So what was that one trigger, that one breaking point (if any) that made u un attracted to and turned OFF by MM and started to help u forget about him and get over him?

Was it an instant change of character u saw in him after, maybe say, his wife found out? Was it the way he treated you after awhile of having fun and then getting bored? Was he a traitor? So what was that disgusting image of MM that u portrayed in ur mind that helped u get through the affair and over him?

 

I constantly everyday find myself continuously being attracted to MM, in the way he talks, his confidence, his soft character..I thought like, OK, I am instead going to turn to my husband and see the good qualities in him, but of course our husbands we see at home all the time, and not always the "charming" or attractive side of them.. we see them sitting in their underwear in front of the TV...So its harddddd!! am trying to find that one "trigger" that will help me switch off my feelings and attraction for MM... It happened before with Ex BFs where as time went by I realize I do not desire them as much as I used to.. not sure if it was time that did it.. Ugh.. I am just frustrated... Thoughts?

[twosadthings]

Sure, that's easy, divorce your husband and marry your boyfriend.

 

 

Twosadthings