I think this is the End of it.. Very depressed..(Updated)

[evanescentworld]

I have very few words to say that would be polite, so I will merely tell you that for you to continue engaging with your lover, now your H has found out is nothing short of despicable.

 

You should be focusing on one of two things: Either divorcing your H and setting him free from being married to a woman who cheats under his very nose -

 

or -

 

You should cut off all and every single contact possible with your lover, and focus on rebuilding your marriage, strengthening your relationship with your H, and hoping he forgives every notion you have of keeping your lover in the picture, even though it is the unhealthiest and most disrespectful thing you could ever do to your husband, and your marriage.

 

You cannot POSSIBLY even entertain of keeping the man in your life, even as a friend! Really? I mean - REALLY?!?

 

You either need to leave, and free your H., or stay, and destroy all and any means of a connection with this man.

It's the least you could do for both your spouse, and his.

 

Jeesh....

[whatatangledweb]

I would guess she doesn't know it was an affair and she has no clue how your husband is feeling. Why not tell her the truth and then block their numbers. You say you don't want a divorce yet every time you have contact with your MM you are stabbing your husband right in the heart. You don't seem to really care how he feels, so why should they?

 

You need to really look at what you want. Your husband or the mm. Even if you want to stay friends with him then you are choosing him over your husband. You seem to be stressed out over the last week. Do you want to continue to feel that way? Only you can stop it.

[Be_Strong]

I don't understand why his wife is texting you and telling you it is ok to talk to MM if she doesn't know about the affair.

[Owl]

I know many of us here have a lot to say to our ex MMs.. after a relation is over.. and theres just so much to say, but the more you say, the more you feel aggravated, etc..and then MM responds, and u respond back etc..its never ending...

 

After I told MM that we will take it easy on our relation in general for awhile because my husb found out, he still emailed me wishing me today for some religious festival we have going on... I am frustrated because, my poor husband knows about it and the MMs wife still doesn't know and he is nicely here on the side emailing me and trying to get back into this whole thing with me. His wife is "fine with us being in touch" of course she is, she doesn't know its an affair..and I don't wanna look low by telling him to tell her, so whatever..But I am just bit upset and irritated that he thinks he can email me and get a response and continue this freely as his wife doesnt know..but what abt my hubby? He is the one who suffered cuz he knew...and if I continue he is the one getting hurt, not that wife of his, she doesn't care who her husb flirts with it looks like... so I just didn't respond this time.. last time I did but I did not reply now, considering my hubby's feelings.. Let MM also suffer a bit wondering why I didn't reply.

 

I mean I am not sure I want MM completely out of my life, I am ok with friends..but for now I did not reply to his email..maybe I will wait 2 weeks and then be like sorry, wish the u the same.. and etc..keep it general.. u know?

 

Wrong.

 

The correct response would be to send him "The No Contact Letter". Draft an email...WITH your husband, indicating that the affair is over, and that MM can no longer be a part of your life anymore since you've chosen to work on your marriage, and ANY further contact would be both very painful, and very disrespectful to your husband, as well as damaging to your efforts to rebuild your marriage.

 

Send it to MM, copying your husband so that MM can clearly see that its from the both of you.

 

Then the real hard part...stick to the plan outlined in that email.

 

Do you truly believe your husband won't be hurt by continued contact with MM a few weeks from now? Really???

Edited October 23, 2014 by Owl

[hello234]

I know my husband will be hurt if I continue to talk to MM..i know..

 

But I am also very scared about my mental well being if I completely cut of MM, unless I loose the feelings I have for him... I am so scared I will dive into depression and go crazy... at the same time I don't wanna hurt my husband..so I thought at least for a few weeks I wont be in touch and then slowly maybe I can just transition into friendship mode and no affair...

 

how else can I save myself from depression at the same time, not let my H feel bad??

[eye of the storm]

You can't!

 

Maybe try for once focusing on someone besides yourself. Focus on your H and use that to forestall this dramatic depression you are aiming for.

 

Every post is about you and your desire to keep the MM in your life, and his wife and what he is doing and what she is doing. What he is telling his W and how he looks and how you look.

 

Stop focusing on you. Focus on your M, either fixing it or getting out of it. You know that contacting the MM hurts your H but you still don't care. You are going to "behave" for a couple of weeks and then start chatting him up again. That is your plan that you have laid out to make yourself feel better. Try coming up with a plan to make the man you betrayed feel better. Try thinking about him. And if you can't. Leave him. He will thank you for it later.

[evanescentworld]

I will tell you this: Staying in contact with your lover will increase your pain, longing and suffering, onehundredfold.

 

And I'm sorry to be blunt, but what the hell makes you think you're entitled to have your feelings get off scott-free?

This is the sacrifice you make.

This is the "payback" for the shY-ite-stirring that has been created by your original selfish act of taking a lover.

You are bound to suffer pain from the withdrawal of this situation. You created the basis for the pain. You are the originator of the suffering you will feel.

And yes - you HAVE to go through it, because that's the way it is.

You are reaping what you have sown.

Your husband deserves to have your full, undivided and remorseful attention, unequivocally, without any side conditions.

 

as for your loss?

I'm afraid that's the suck-up part.

 

No. You have to go complete, total, entire No Contact, and cut this thing off 100% with no exceptions.

Use the feelings you have to cultivate feelings for your husband. Go to Counselling, and create an ambience for negotiation. You are at fault for having the affair. You AND your Husband are RESPONSIBLE for repairing your marriage.

 

If that's what you want, of course.

 

Given that you cannot even begin to hope to have the best of both worlds, what do you want?

 

Because it might just be time you Chose.

[Owl]

I know my husband will be hurt if I continue to talk to MM..i know..

 

But I am also very scared about my mental well being if I completely cut of MM, unless I loose the feelings I have for him... I am so scared I will dive into depression and go crazy... at the same time I don't wanna hurt my husband..so I thought at least for a few weeks I wont be in touch and then slowly maybe I can just transition into friendship mode and no affair...

 

how else can I save myself from depression at the same time, not let my H feel bad??

 

Go see your doctor, and get started on anti-depressants...right now.

 

You have crossed the line.

 

You need to choose one man to be in your life, and one to let go forever.

 

Depression is inevitable...has been ever since you started the affair, in fact.

 

The question is...which man are you truly going to commit yourself to, and which one will you free to live a life without you?

[Michelle ma Belle]

and also, his wife texted me today saying she is OK if I kept in touch with him and them..like WTH? its like I don't need ur permission, its my hubby that is not Ok..augh..im irritated.. cuz she doesn't know.. and they are completely ignoring my husband's feelings.. I donno if I should reply saying, yeah but my husband doesn't like it, so I wont.. or something like that? or just not reply and not reply to her husband and that will show it?

 

I'm sorry but where was this kind of conscience and your concern for your husband's well being and happiness BEFORE you decided to f*ck around on him?

 

NOW you are concerned about his feelings but only after he found out? Give me a break.

 

This all sounds supersonically fishy to me. Something is not adding up here.

 

If you really wanted NC you could have it.

 

If you really cared about your husband and deeply regret your actions and how much it hurt him and your marriage you'd not give a f*ck about the MM and cut him out of your life once and for all.

 

Unfortunately, I'm not sure you've learned anything from this experience.

[Be_Strong]

hello234,

I don't envy your current position. You've put yourself in a place where there is no path to take that doesn't result in pain for you. Divorce seems completely out of the question and impossible to even imagine. But the thought of not being with the person you are madly in love with is horribly depressing and painful. The body's natural defense mechanisms to avoid pain are very strong, and it will be virtually impossible for you to commit to either path right now because you'll try to avoid the corresponding pain.

 

Unfortunately, maintaining the status quo of staying married but keeping in contact with your MM is simply limbo, which is also painful and only delays the inevitable and increases the eventual pain that will be felt when you finally do choose a path. Having said that, and even with all the advice from other members here, and even when you know that the advice is solid, you probably still won't be able to choose and stay on a path yet. You will bounce around in limbo for a period of months until the pain gets so bad that you simply can't take it anymore and then you'll be ready to make a change.

 

I wish I could give you some advice that would solve your problems, but really, this is now just a matter of damage control. Every option will hurt.

[peaksandvalleys]

I asked this once before. Are you in counseling? If yes have you seen any improvement in your thought patterns? If not. Why aren't you in counseling?

[hello234]

hello234,

I don't envy your current position. You've put yourself in a place where there is no path to take that doesn't result in pain for you. Divorce seems completely out of the question and impossible to even imagine. But the thought of not being with the person you are madly in love with is horribly depressing and painful. The body's natural defense mechanisms to avoid pain are very strong, and it will be virtually impossible for you to commit to either path right now because you'll try to avoid the corresponding pain.

 

Unfortunately, maintaining the status quo of staying married but keeping in contact with your MM is simply limbo, which is also painful and only delays the inevitable and increases the eventual pain that will be felt when you finally do choose a path. Having said that, and even with all the advice from other members here, and even when you know that the advice is solid, you probably still won't be able to choose and stay on a path yet. You will bounce around in limbo for a period of months until the pain gets so bad that you simply can't take it anymore and then you'll be ready to make a change.

 

I wish I could give you some advice that would solve your problems, but really, this is now just a matter of damage control. Every option will hurt.

 

 

- Thanks for your thoughtful and mature response.... I know whatever path I take is gonna be painful.. But the important person here is my husband... I wish there was a way I didn't need to hurt him but also keep MM as a friend..no romance just friend.. Wouldn't that work?

If not, then BeStrong, what do u suggest is the best path? Both are painful so doesn't matter.. To just cut MM off right? That's what im thinking..But later down the road, months from now, I do not want to feel a regret that I let something go which made me happy... That's what I am afraid I will feel..a regret... ? Maybe I wont if I loose the feelings for him but right now feelings are so strong that its hard to ignore him

[whichwayisup]

and also, his wife texted me today saying she is OK if I kept in touch with him and them..like WTH? its like I don't need ur permission, its my hubby that is not Ok..augh..im irritated.. cuz she doesn't know.. and they are completely ignoring my husband's feelings.. I donno if I should reply saying, yeah but my husband doesn't like it, so I wont.. or something like that? or just not reply and not reply to her husband and that will show it?

 

But so are you! You want to keep in touch with xMM!

 

I mean I am not sure I want MM completely out of my life, I am ok with friends

 

You're either playing games or have some soul searching to do, to get your priorities back on track.

 

Why should they respect your marriage and husband, when you don't respect your own marriage and husband.

[georgia girl]

Didn't we just go through several pages of angst, anger and indignation because he blocked you first? Here's your opportunity. Block him now. Shut down the email account and don't reply. Also change your phone number, block him on social media and go silent for life. That way, no one can ever in the future determine that it wasn't you who ended things.

[Lillyfree]

i've actually read through this whole thread... and there isn't much more advice i can give apart from what others have said.

 

i would just like to say that you need to look internally in order to better understand the situation you're in. this isn't about MM, your husband, or BS. you're showing narcissistic traits and an addictive nature. this isn't true love, you don't love MM - he just provides a fix and like any addict you're holding onto that possibility that you may score one more time.

 

he's a fool for engaging you and thus enabling your addiction. but he's probably the same.

 

like most addictions, best way is to go cold turkey. and please get some counselling - as if you don't get to the bottom of why you needed this in the first place you're just going to repeat the affair with someone else.

[evanescentworld]

- Thanks for your thoughtful and mature response....

Every response here has been direct and mature.

Thoughtful, insofar as pointing out where you seem to be missing the point.... But nobody has given you "wrong" advice.

The truth smarts, sometimes though, doesn't it?

 

I know whatever path I take is gonna be painful.. But the important person here is my husband... I wish there was a way I didn't need to hurt him but also keep MM as a friend..no romance just friend.. Wouldn't that work?

Absolutely, completely not. That's an arrangement to suit you, and keep you happy. But it would devastate your husband. If you really want to put his feelings first, you should do what you know will make him happiest. And that solution is obvious.

 

 

If not, then BeStrong, what do u suggest is the best path? Both are painful so doesn't matter.. To just cut MM off right?

As we have all said, all along, I think you'll find...

 

That's what im thinking..But later down the road, months from now, I do not want to feel a regret that I let something go which made me happy...

Then, the time to decide what you really want to do with your life, is NOW.

You need to be blunt and ask your lover directly: Will you ever leave your wife for me? Because your decision hinges also on his cooperation.

And if I were you, I would brace myself for a lonely result, because I can almost guarantee he will not leave his wife.

 

That's what I am afraid I will feel..a regret... ? Maybe I wont if I loose the feelings for him but right now feelings are so strong that its hard to ignore him

Ye, that's the "sucky" part I mentioned.

You have to cut off all contact, completely, totally, now and for ever.

 

And yes, it will hurt.

And yes, it will take a heck of a lot of pain to get through, and get over.

 

Tough luck.

It's what you signed up for, the moment you did the deed.

[Owl]

- Thanks for your thoughtful and mature response.... I know whatever path I take is gonna be painful.. But the important person here is my husband... I wish there was a way I didn't need to hurt him but also keep MM as a friend..no romance just friend.. Wouldn't that work?If not, then BeStrong, what do u suggest is the best path? Both are painful so doesn't matter.. To just cut MM off right? That's what im thinking..But later down the road, months from now, I do not want to feel a regret that I let something go which made me happy... That's what I am afraid I will feel..a regret... ? Maybe I wont if I loose the feelings for him but right now feelings are so strong that its hard to ignore him

 

Good god...how many times and different ways do people have to spell it out to you?

 

NO...IT WON'T WORK!!!

 

You've admitted already that you know that any continued contact is going to hurt your husband.

 

What you've not acknowledged is that it will also erode away at your marriage.

 

Frankly...if you keep contacting MM...at some point your husband will give up on you, and get rid of you. At some point, he'll get smart and cut his losses.

 

You need to put on your big girl britches.

 

You need to stop, right now, and realize that if you keep on this path, you're going to lose EVERYTHING.

 

You claim that your husband is the most important man in your life...but your actions clearly demonstrate that you don't truly give a damn about what you're doing to him.

 

Either change your actions, or change your tune.

 

I really hope that your husband finds his manhood and lays down the law to you, very soon. It's the only hope your marriage has at this point.

[Be_Strong]

As others have said, staying "just friends" with MM won't work. Not just because of the hurt it would cause your husband (which it would surely do) but also because of the pain it would cause you. Your own healing from this won't begin until there is a clean and total split from MM. By keeping in contact with him, you are simply delaying the inevitable--and keeping yourself in this terrible position of feeling torn and uncertain.

[2sunny]

You CAN do the right thing. You can stop harming yourself and others. All with one simple concept and action.

 

You take ALL YOUR power back by cutting off ALL communication with the OM.

 

That's an action. An action you CAN do!

 

So do it! You will feel better eventually. Go through that pain to get to the other side. It will get better if YOU change things for yourself.

[MissBee]

and also, his wife texted me today saying she is OK if I kept in touch with him and them..like WTH? its like I don't need ur permission, its my hubby that is not Ok..augh..im irritated.. cuz she doesn't know.. and they are completely ignoring my husband's feelings.. I donno if I should reply saying, yeah but my husband doesn't like it, so I wont.. or something like that? or just not reply and not reply to her husband and that will show it?

 

 

THEY are ignoring your husband's feelings?

 

They don't need to care about his feelings, you do. It doesn't really seem like you care that much either so why the heck would they?

 

Stop responding to these people!

[Sugar Magnolia]

seems to me that you are worried that when you and hubby meet MM and wife, your hubby may expose your affair and you may have to prove you broke it off.... since your last text to him was that you wanted to be " low key" you did not end it at all,, he did... I am sorry you are in such a panic over this... there is nothing you can do to change this... move on... be grateful your hubby is willing to forgive.. good luck

[stillafool]

I hope your husband wises up and leaves you.

[hello234]

HEY all.... So I am starting to take the advise of all, and am at day 3 of NC.. BTW he unblocked me and sent me a mail wishing me yesterday as we had some religious festival..for which I didn't reply...

 

ITs so hard and painful. The one thing that's lingering in my mind is that, I got so much attention from this man and it was sooo beautiful, our interactions, our talk, our romance, sweetness..UGH..its sooo hard to let go of all that!! HOW DO U DO IT? its like a craving...I wanna feel that good feeling.... How can I get the same with my husb? And what sucks is that I donno MM as deeply since I don't see him everday, don't live live with him, so I am seeing all the good and charming side of him which is making this really worse for me...and then I feel like OK I can be nc, but till now he has pursued me so much, he likes me a lot, and what if he looses those feelings after months of not being in touch? Would it be like I sacrificied and let go of something that made me happy?

[hello234]

ITs so hard and painful, day 3 of NC with MM. The one thing that's lingering in my mind is that, I got so much attention from this man and it was sooo beautiful, our interactions, our talk, our romance, sweetness..UGH..its sooo hard to let go of all that!! HOW DO U DO IT? its like a craving...I wanna feel that good feeling..and I get depressed that I cant have that and need to let it go myself.... How can I get the same feeling with my husb?

 

And what sucks is that I donno MM as deeply since I don't see him everday, don't live live with him, so I am seeing all the good and charming side of him which is making this really worse for me...That's partly why i feel like i should be in touch- So that i can know more about him and see the REAL him and then I wouldn't have a misconception that hes awesome. I feel like OK I can go NC, but till now he has pursued me so much, he does like me a lot, and it felt so beautiful , this crazy 'love' if u wanna call it... and what if he looses those feelings after months of not being in touch? What if I "lost" him? Would it be like I sacrificied and let go of something that made me happy?

[FusionCutter]

HEY all.... So I am starting to take the advise of all, and am at day 3 of NC.. BTW he unblocked me and sent me a mail wishing me yesterday as we had some religious festival..for which I didn't reply...

 

ITs so hard and painful. The one thing that's lingering in my mind is that, I got so much attention from this man and it was sooo beautiful, our interactions, our talk, our romance, sweetness..UGH..its sooo hard to let go of all that!! HOW DO U DO IT? its like a craving...I wanna feel that good feeling.... How can I get the same with my husb? And what sucks is that I donno MM as deeply since I don't see him everday, don't live live with him, so I am seeing all the good and charming side of him which is making this really worse for me...and then I feel like OK I can be nc, but till now he has pursued me so much, he likes me a lot, and what if he looses those feelings after months of not being in touch? Would it be like I sacrificied and let go of something that made me happy?

 

Happy Diwali

 

Listen. It's really simple. If it's causing you hurt and pain it's really not good for you. Right? Learn to disengage and let go. The situation isn't healthy for you. In the end. Only you are responsible for your own well-being and happiness. Once you own up to the fact that you are being incredibly immature and selfish to your husband you will know what to do. You'll know what the right thing to do is. You need to grow up a little. I mean that in the kindest way possible.

 

See it for what it is and take responsibility for your actions instead of drowning in your own sorrows. The healthiest thing for you is to move on. You got yourself in this situation, you can definitely get out. Change your negative mindset and go for a path of healing. Remove yourself from the situation and see it for what it is. Take control of your emotions and face the hurt head on. You gotta face up to the music of what you did. And you will know exactly what to do. But please. Take responsibility for your actions in the past.