long distance confusion

[cathy]

Hi -- I am looking for some advice.

 

I am involved in a long distance relationship and I am not sure what to do.

 

It started over a year ago when I was taking a course in a foreign country. I met someone there, and before the end of the month we felt we were in love. I had never felt so much passion and excitement, so when the course ended, I stayed a few extra days and we decided to stay in touch.

 

We have been visiting one another about every 3-4 months since then, emailing daily, calling and writing. Our visits are incredible -- romantic and fun, and i have had the opportunity to travel to some really neat places with him.

 

We have talked about getting together, and he would be willing to come live with me when he finishes his degree and when I get a steady job (I am working on a graduate degree). He is a very kind, considerate, and loyal person.

 

The problem is with me. When we are apart, I have all these doubts that I do not feel when we are together. I feel unfulfilled by the emails/calls/letters that he sends (although they are a nice form of support during this stressful time I'm having with my degree). I start analyzing the relationship and I focus on all the differences we have (such as I am a bigger risk taker than he is, he is 8 years older and more settled, etc.). When we are together I feel fine, and it seems like we could work on those differences together. But apart, as now, I feel these doubts. I worry that our time together has not allowed us to get to know one another because it is always a vacation -- an escape from our respective 'real lives'. I am frustrated that we will have to wait a while (at least another year) to get together, and that to get together to find the answers requires at least one of us to make a major move -- which requires committment.

 

Do these doubts mean that I don't really love him? Or are they a product of long distance? Should we break this off? I am a little worried about myself too -- as I seem to always break off relationships after 1-2 years, and I'm not getting any younger (late 20's). For some of the breakups I had good reasons but for others I wonder if I should have hung on a little longer when things felt flat instead of giving up so fast.

 

Given that I feel so passionate about this guy when we are together, I don't know whether to hang on (with the doubts being due to the distance) or whether I should listen to those doubts and give up.

 

Giving up would hurt, but if this isn't going to work, then it would avoid the later pain of having made a lot more sacrifice for one another. At the same time, I sometimes feel like we have a chance to have a really interesting, dynamic, and unique international relationship that could enrich both our lives, and I'm not sure I should walk away from that. Another factor is that I'll be leaving where i am in about 6 months when I finish school, so I'm in no position to start a new relationship with anyone either.

 

Any suggestions?

[cathy]

I need to decide before he buys expensive tickets to come visit. Any input would really be appreciated.

 

cathy

[Ed]

I don't have to tell you that long distance relationships are hard to maintain, especially when it's that way from the beginning.

 

You have analyzed this situation pretty well. There is no way to really know someone until you have had a chance to spend lots of time together. You can fall in love with hopes and dreams of how it COULD BE, but, until you've had that time together you don't know if it WILL BE.

 

A year is a long time to put your life on hold just to get to the point where you can start finding out if this is something you want on a more permanent basis. Things will likely remain fun and exciting, as long as you have these times of separation. The anticipation and anxiety are what is keeping it going right now. But you'll never know for sure until you are with that person, day after day, for a long period of time. And that still won't guarantee it will last.