Cheated once, will he again? He says no, but I'm unsure.

[MissTiff1124]

Hi everyone,

 

As you can see from the title, I was cheated on before, but forgave him and took him back. We have been together almost a year now but ever since I have been constantly on edge about texts and phone calls he gets, when he doesn't call or text me back right away, when we aren't together all my mind does is go into hyper drive about what he is doing and who he is with. It's making me crazy

 

I'm not proud of this but I've even snooped his phone and found some things that although I cannot prove he's cheating, they just seem strange to me. One was from a girl inviting him over, and the other was his ex, who even though it makes me so angry I don't show him that it bothers me he still talks to her. I am constantly wondering if he will leave me and go back to her, or meet someone else.

 

Friday was the last straw. I had to work late so I told him I couldn't go over there, to which he replied he was wanting to go out to eat. About an hour later I asked what he was doing and he said he was at some restaurant. When I asked where it was he completely ignored me, and when I asked if he was with someone got upset and told me I was acting psycho and I was scaring him, I apologized and went on with my night. Long story short, I didn't talk to him the rest of the night, and the next day he sends me a text with a gift he had bought me. Instead of thinking it was a sweet gesture, my mind went to "that ass cheated!" I don't even have proof, but it just seemed weird after our fight.

 

Then he was supposed to come over for dinner tonight, but all of a sudden he has to go to his mom's house. It just seems weird he gets this text from some girl asking him over and then he breaks plans with me. I want to trust him, because I love him a lot, and I know he loves me too, but my constant snooping and nagging and accusing is only going to push him away. I don't know what to do. I just do NOT want to look like a fool again. I feel like the second I let my guard down, BOOM I will get my heart broken.

Edited October 21, 2014 by MissTiff1124

[giblesp]

Generally speaking, a cheater is in a state of dysfunction and that's going to manifest one way or another.

 

This time round, he may not be cheating, but he is disrespectful to you. You deserve better than that.

[MissTiff1124]

Well, I was acting like a psycho, calling and texting him like a mad woman because of my own stupid thoughts assuming the worst. I just found it weird that after all of that, he'd buy me something. Just seems suspicious

[Awkward Grace]

Is that how you want to live day in and day out? I sure didn't, and I was married. I say, let go of this person who has not shown you respect in the past OR present.

 

there is a saying, " Thou doth protest too much". He's trying to turn it around on you. Don't let him.

[beach]

I can't see why you would trust him.

 

He isn't earning your trust back. Quite the contrary. What are you going to do about that?

[MissTiff1124]

I can't accuse him when I have no proof of wrong doing. Like I said, the **** that I think of in my head is just blown way out of proportion, I have no clue if he's cheating or not.

[Zahara]

Unfortunately, when you go back to a cheater, this is the consequence. Looking over your shoulder and living in anxiety.

 

I'm not sure why he couldn't respond to you and let you know where he was, and any idiot knowing that they once caused you to lose trust in them, would be smart enough to know not to cause insecurity or doubt.

 

Then comes the woman inviting him over. What was the previous conversation between the two? What was his response?

 

If you don't care for him talking to his ex, communicate that with him.

 

FWIW, an ex that was cheating on me, used to buy me gifts when he could sense me being suspicious.

[Elle1975]

Good that you want to trust him, I personally wouldn't.

 

The bad part of cheating isn't necessarily in the act itself, but in what comes afterward.

 

I would really suggest moving on to somebody you can trust, because living on the edge like that, isn't a good way to live. It's not a good and loving relationship.

 

It makes me think he keeps you around as a convenience for sex, or out of habit, and that either way it will not end well for you.

[Conners]

He doesn't seem that keen on proving his loyalty to you by ignoring your message. You are actually letting him walk all over you!

[PegNosePete]

I can't accuse him when I have no proof of wrong doing. Like I said, the **** that I think of in my head is just blown way out of proportion, I have no clue if he's cheating or not.

This is not a court case. You do not need proof and you do not need to accuse him of anything. If you are not happy in your relationship then you are free to leave it at any time. You do not need proof beyond reasonable doubt of any kind of wrong-doing. It's your choice alone.

 

He is being very rude and disrespectful to you, gaslighting and blame-shifting and acting extremely dodgy. These are not the actions of someone who is remorseful of his ways or someone who has changed. I would let him go. Not "because he cheated again", but because you are not happy in the relationship and he is clearly unwilling to see your point of view. He's not a good long-term BF. Time to move on.

[No Limit]

Find yourself a man. Not a selfish boy kiddo.

I think you've become more co-dependant than in love to him. Find a guy that won't cheat on you, they're out there.

[d0nnivain]

Depending on a lot of context I might forgive a cheater who was genuinely sorry and who recognized his own role in making me paranoid by working to dissuade my fears & insecurities not fueling them.

 

If he said I'm at Applebees with Bob & handed the phone up so Bob could yell Hi! you would have been fine. The fact that he tried to turn this around on you . . . which caused you be psycho . . . tells me he's not the best guy.

 

Yes, you were wrong for being neurotic but he lit the match.

 

I couldn't live like that.

[mangetout]

As Zahara says...you have to live with the consequences of taking back a cheater.

 

My ex fiancé cheated on me and confessed. I gave him a second chance and it took another two years for the relationship to end properly.

 

Let's just say they were the worst years of my life. I was constantly paranoid just like you. I turned into someone I didn't like. The relationship became toxic for me. I absolutely regret giving him a second chance because it nearly killed my spirit.

 

Good luck cause you are gonna need it if you stay with him him. Be prepared for many incidents of mistrust and anziety

[Diezel]

This thread should be required reading for anyone considering taking a cheater back. The act of cheating is terrible and couples can get past this, but is this the life people want to live after being cheated on?

[Spectre]

This thread should be required reading for anyone considering taking a cheater back. The act of cheating is terrible and couples can get past this, but is this the life people want to live after being cheated on?

 

Yep, it amazes how many times I have seen people kind of just stick their fingers in their ears and pretend this person that betrayed them so horribly still loves them. They just never realize how tainted the relationship is. You can get past cheating, but you will overall be happier spending the rest of your days with someone who didn't horribly betray you. These are the words no cheater wants to hear, but meh, reality sucks like that I suppose. You reap what you sow, that's how it goes.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would get rid of him. He's not doing anything to help soothe your fears and repair the damage he caused. Not worth it, and I don't believes he thinks it's worth it either. He doesn't appear to care whether or not you are happy in the relationship - he's focused on himself. People who are really in love with their partners don't behave that way.

[changchewsoon]

That is why I've always advised people from moving on rather than try staying with a cheater, unless there are children involved.

 

You will always be constantly looking over your shoulder, and the smallest thing he does will arouse your suspicion and that is constantly going to drive you crazy.

 

You can't change a cheater, and neither should you. I really can't see how can there be anything good that could come out from this.

 

Hope you can stay strong and keep a clear mind, there are still plenty of good men out there which doesn't require to keep you constantly guessing and doubting.

[Fair]

Well, I was acting like a psycho, calling and texting him like a mad woman because of my own stupid thoughts assuming the worst. I just found it weird that after all of that, he'd buy me something. Just seems suspicious

 

This bugs me. Why are you putting yourself down? You are understandably on guard after what he did to you... quite frankly, I would never trust a cheater again myself, and if I did they would have to go a long way toward proving themselves by being completely transparent to me... this guy is not doing that for you. In fact, isn't being at all sensitive to your feelings or showing you any respect. Make no mistake, he knows his secretiveness is causing you anxiety and doesn't care... which is hardly surprising as cheaters are as selfish as they get. if he cared about the relationship he would be doing everything in his power to mend your trust and he's not even trying...

 

 

By the way, don't let him ever turn the tables and accuse you of being a "psycho". And don't put that label on yourself. It's all on him. He cheated. And because of that he'll never have any right at all to blame you for your suspicions.

 

 

That said, remember you have power, here. Don't leave it up to him to decide the fate of the relationship, thereby letting all the power rest in his hands while you sit on pins and needles waiting to see whether or not he's going to hurt you again. The torment you're going through is awful... Is it really worth it? I would personally move on rather than stay with someone I can't trust.

[No Limit]

He cheated. And because of that he'll never have any right at all to blame you for your suspicions.

 

The cheating was fun for him, not so fun getting caught, and now his GF still gets cranky over it. He's young and wants fun only, and I promise will cheat again - perhaps has already, who knows - so by taking him back you either make it clear to yourself that you accept his infidelity and look away, or you dump him for all he's worth (which isn't much judging from his behavior).

Edited November 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator