Unrequited feelings, what happened?

[CrazyDavey]

Please excuse the length of this post, but I feel I have to get all of the details out in order to get an accurate response to what really tore me apart these past few weeks.

 

I've known this girl for a little over a year, met her though a mutual friend. We've seen each other a number of times at social events, house parties whatever. We became friendly but we never were very close, never talked outside of those events.

 

About a year in I noticed that she became a bit more flirtatious as we hung out. We still only saw each other at the gym or parties and the like, but I noticed she would do little things such as grabbing my arm while walking down the street, grabbing my face and squeezing, touching my arm, etc. There was also the thing where she would take her fingers and stroke my face, even sticking her fingers in my nostrils (yes, I know, gross, but for me it drove me crazy).

 

I always chalked this up to behavior between friends. She is pretty, and I'm overweight. I never have had the proper self esteem that others do, particularly when it comes to dating, I'm in my mid-twenties and I've never dated anyone more than a month. She's liberal and jewish, and I'm a Republican Catholic.

 

However that all changed one night when I threw a party at my house. She came over with two friends, and I immediately went to chat her up. I had really no interest in speaking to anyone else at the party, when she walks in the room she commands attention, specifically mine. We spoke about sensitive topics, including her body image, and my lack of self esteem and total fear among girls We did keg stands together (we both had been drinking). And we ventured upstairs away from the rest of the party. We spoke some more for a while and I mentioned, among other things, that because we spent so much time upstairs, that people downstairs would think she hooked up with me, and give her **** for it.

 

At that point she grabbed me and began making out with me. There was nobody around to see it, this continued for a few minutes. She said when she pulled away, "I'll make out with you in front of anyone, I don't care who knows." We went downstairs, but we didn't make out. My idiot housemate ended up touching her inappropriately and she eventually left.

 

I texted her later that week and the next Sunday, trying to establish a connection. I had her number previously for a month but never had the nerve to talk to her. We made small talk, nothing really came. The next Sunday she had texted me and said that her friend who she was supposed to watch the game with bailed on her. I asked if she wanted to meet up then at a bar to watch the game with me, but she demurred, saying she didn't want to miss any of the game.

 

The next week I went out of the country so I didn't talk to her. When I got back I texted her and we immediately texted for several hours. Two days later I texted her and asked her out to a Hockey game. I made it pretty clear it was two tickets, and I hoped that it was clear it would be a date, and she said yes. The next day, she texted me and said she had to cancel; her team was playing in the LCS (baseball) and it was going to be the series clinching game, and she didn't want to miss it. She apologized and said that she didn't want to cancel because she didn't want to go. I said I understood. We kept texting over the next few days.

 

Something nagged me over that weekend, did she bail on me because she knew it was a date? Or did she think it was just a "friends" activity. The following Sunday we hung out with each other at a mutual friend's party. We spend a lot of time on the couch just talking. I had to eventually drive four hours home but I wanted to spend time with her so I just stayed. I had made the determination earlier that I would at some point pull her aside and tell her exactly how I felt.

 

Eventually I had to leave and I pulled her outside. I told her that just to clear things up, when I asked her out last week, it was for a date. I told her that I liked her and that I thought she was different from what is out there. I said she was cute, smart, and funny. She said she had never dated a friend before, and seemed unsure. She had mentioned that she considers me one of her best friends, which I found puzzling. I mean I love compliments like that, but I have seen her once or twice a month, and we just started texting a few weeks ago. She asked me what I wanted, and I said to take her out when I get back from my business trip (I was going to be gone for a week). She said yes to that. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me to get home safe and text her when I got home. I was on cloud nine at that point.

 

That feeling lasted about 16 hours, when I got a text around 2PM the next day which said "So I wanted to discuss what we talked about last night". She then said

 

"So the more I think about what we discussed I think it's better if we continue to hang out as friends. I don't want to complicate or ruin anything and I genuinely enjoy hanging out with you."

 

I was obviously crushed by this. I responded that I understand, and I appreciated her honesty. I never got a reply and we have not talked in the few days since. I am still upset. Upset that obviously she doesn't have the same feelings for me that I do for her, but also upset that I felt that I was jerked around, having asked for, and apparently received a yes to two dates in a week, only to have it taken away.

 

Does anyone want to take a swing at what she might be thinking? Did she really change her mind? Or was it just my imagination, running away from me in thinking we could ever be more than just friends.

[whichwayisup]

She had mentioned that she considers me one of her best friends,

She likes you but doesn't like you as in boyfriend material. She's actually playing you a bit. Not meanly but selfishly. She knows you "like" her and she enjoys that attention you give her. She knows (as you say, demands you attention when she walks into a room) exactly what she's doing here. She made out with you but her friends have judged her so she's backed off with the flirty kissy and touching you phase. You asked her out, she's canceled.

 

You care for her and have deep feelings, she likes you. That's the difference, you think of her often (or maybe she's always in your mind) she is out living her life and not making any real effort to spend time with you, only at parties or other gatherings with other people around.

 

It sucks to want someone, to love them and not have it returned. Unrequited love is very painful. My suggestion, google that phrase and read up on it, check out baggage reclaim too.

 

I hope you can detach and distance yourself from her, get over her so you can find a great girl who will love spending time with you and date you openly.

[CrazyDavey]

She likes you but doesn't like you as in boyfriend material. She's actually playing you a bit. Not meanly but selfishly. She knows you "like" her and she enjoys that attention you give her. She knows (as you say, demands you attention when she walks into a room) exactly what she's doing here. She made out with you but her friends have judged her so she's backed off with the flirty kissy and touching you phase. You asked her out, she's canceled.

 

 

Thank you. I appreciate the reply. I actually forgot to mention that she continued with the touching and flirting phase when I last saw her at the friend's party. I'm sure that doesn't make a difference but I wanted to mention that.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you. I appreciate the reply. I actually forgot to mention that she continued with the touching and flirting phase when I last saw her at the friend's party. I'm sure that doesn't make a difference but I wanted to mention that.

 

No difference at all. Just shows she feels she can do what she wants, when she wants and she knows you lap it up and it makes her feel good. Again, this isn't a well thought out/malicious thing she's doing intentionally-it's all ego and selfishly based. Though it is mean because she knows you 'like' her and she doesn't feel the same way.

 

You could ask her to stop flirting with you and touching you or if not comfortable with that, show her in actions, set up boundaries with her , next time she tries to reach out and tough you, you back up and cross your arms. Or don't smile when she flirts, change the subject. Subtle hints work too.

[CrazyDavey]

No difference at all. Just shows she feels she can do what she wants, when she wants and she knows you lap it up and it makes her feel good. Again, this isn't a well thought out/malicious thing she's doing intentionally-it's all ego and selfishly based. Though it is mean because she knows you 'like' her and she doesn't feel the same way.

 

You could ask her to stop flirting with you and touching you or if not comfortable with that, show her in actions, set up boundaries with her , next time she tries to reach out and tough you, you back up and cross your arms. Or don't smile when she flirts, change the subject. Subtle hints work too.

 

Thanks. I don't know if there will be a next time. This all went down on Monday and I haven't spoken to her since. I'm not sure I really can be "just friends" with her. Frankly, as I said previously I never really saw her as that close of a friend, and I was a little taken aback when she said that I was one of her better friends. I assume this was just BS to let me down easy.

 

I guess the one unanswered question is why she would say yes to dates twice and then flake out? Why say yes at all if it was in her mind the entire time she didn't like me more than a friend? Perhaps I'm reading this wrong but the signs (making out, flirting, touching, wanting me to stay longer) really all pointed to yes, she would go out with me, and that is why I'm so confused.

[CrazyDavey]

Thanks. I don't know if there will be a next time. This all went down on Monday and I haven't spoken to her since. I'm not sure I really can be "just friends" with her. Frankly, as I said previously I never really saw her as that close of a friend, and I was a little taken aback when she said that I was one of her better friends. I assume this was just BS to let me down easy.

 

I guess the one unanswered question is why she would say yes to dates twice and then flake out? Why say yes at all if it was in her mind the entire time she didn't like me more than a friend? Perhaps I'm reading this wrong but the signs (making out, flirting, touching, wanting me to stay longer) really all pointed to yes, she would go out with me, and that is why I'm so confused.

 

Does anyone else have any opinion on my situation? I still can't help but be a bit upset and feel jilted. Any input would be appreciated.

[preraph]

No way to know if this is a classic case of waiting too long to ask her on a date or if it would have gone the same way. What you know about her is that drinking made her make out with you, which she apparently wouldn't do sober. So I'm afraid liquor was behind her making out with you that night. Upon sober reflection, she decided she didn't feel that way about you. I'm sorry that's the case. But at least in the end she was honest about that and let you know. With a lot of girls, you simply cannot let it enter the friendzone and expect to then switch over to being more than that. Women will relate to you in a different way, tell you way personal things like they do their girlfriends, confide in you more when it's "just friends." So unfortunately, those signs do not mean you are heading toward something more in most cases.

[Kamila]

Even tough you have known each other for a year, but not close enough, I think you guys moved too fast.

 

You kissed, hugged, showed physical affection. But that's not enough to built something long term.

 

You need to have that emotional pull, you had that a bit for her, but unfortunately she didn't. She just wanted to show off (with you).

 

Next time you meet someone you really like, try putting off the physical and try getting to know the person. Ask them questions, date them, abstinence from the physical part, be friends, common ground and see if the feelings are mutual. After that you can reevaluate and see if you're heading for a relationship ...

[CrazyDavey]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. Much as I didn't want to hear it, I guess she really didn't like me after all. Still haven't talked to her since, not really sure what to say at this point.

 

Like I said earlier, I have never had great self confidence and never been good with women in general. I hope that I can pick myself up and get out there again, it just sucks to be kind of led on and then have to go back to ground zero again.